Reviewer: Thornton Signed
Date: November 02 2016
Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1
If you're looking for the harsh criticism that'll potentially help you learn, then I'll give it a go.
Your dialogue in the earlier chapters seem contrived, very much so. When Addie is trying to insinuate about James' plight during her time shopping with her mother, it's incredibly obvious. It just protrays that Karen is either an idiot, or that Addie is incapable of anything subtle.
You have created a plot which is heavily centralized around Addie asserting power over her family. Yet, it's the dialogue again where it falls down. Everyone is sensationally over-reactive to everything (i.e the Credit Card, Abiding by House Rules, Respect James' role in the family) and then incredibly under-reactive to actual things that would be horrific in a real-life situation (i.e Karen completely turning around on Addie's behaviour, instead of horrified and indignant rage, Karen asks her not to put him in her cleavage...?)
Then, in terms of plot holes, why is there even a brother... or a dog? Because both of those seemed to be an afterthought which was thrown to the side immediately to make way for an unbelievably disfunctional relationship between Karen, Addie and James... which wasn't built up sufficiently or fleshed out.
You've found a strange limbo in your writing where half of the story is plot-centric or at least building towards that, but the other half of the story seems to cater towards a pure 'Giant girl puts man between unusually large breasts.' You've insinuated that James is highly insecure about his fetish, yet you've created a world with Magicka where it's likely highly common that society accepts people wishing to be shrunk.
Lastly, what irks me somewhat is James' personality. He has a spine one minute and can stand up for himself, and the next moment he's a one-dimensional character that is oggling Addie's chest. Would make you wonder why on earth Karen would have ever married the man, he doesn't seem to have a single redeeming quality. Which would later make you wonder why she would be accommodating to a fantasy she doesn't enjoy at all.
So, to sum up. You've a great ability as a writer, but your dialogue is too forced and doesn't feel natural. You can write humour, I like James' internal monologue about buying size-themed furniture. You've a talent for suspense writing and you'll enjoy a great readership, but the story lacks the immersive quality for me.
Lastly, I hope you don't see this as a harsh review. You wanted constructive criticism, so I've tried to deliver. You have to remember though that the majority of the people that will be reviewing are not lurkers, they're writers. Everyone has their own style and groove, so take everything with a pinch of salt.
Thornton
Author's Response: Thanks for the review. It's about learning. You're right that the dialogue is contrived at times... that's partially on purpose. But I thank you for pointing that out, because it wasn't on my radar. The characters are not meant to be viewed totally as real-life people... but maybe I should try to do that more. It's like the characters in anime ecchi... like with the style of harem anime, with all the cliches... it's done for fanservice and titillation. Realism is substituted with exaggerated unrealistic dialogue/events for the primary purpose of sexual excitation. For example, when Karen asked her daughter to not put James in her cleavage again, it was solely for arousal purposes; I was aware it was not realistic. I did that on purpose, because my instinct told me it was fun and enjoyable.
The dog exists solely as a prop... something to be shrunk down. The brother exists for variety, and because sisters sometimes have brothers. He could return and get shrunk.
I really appreciate you taking the time to write a review. I think I see your view point better. I could write an entirely realistic, believable story... or I could swing to the other end of the spectrum and have it being entirely fantasic and unbelievable. I was trying to write something in between, because I thought that was where the intersection of sexy-fun and plausible drama existed.
The over-reacting is hyperbole on purpose (i.e the Credit Card, Abiding by House Rules, Respect James' role in the family) and the under-reactive parts are on purpose as well... to a degree. I'm trying to create emotion. with sometimes unrealistic behavior. Actually, I'm trying to find the balance between realism and un-realism. The primary reason I'm writing is for entertainment, and the orgasmic fun of it. Shrinking gives me a high, and I'm trying to facilitate that pleasurable experience.
You're right that James is shallow, but in being a pervert, he makes it more fun for the reader looking to get sexual enjoyment. That's what I'm trying to write.
I could create sexiness with totally realistic characters, but I find it more difficult. It would seem too bland and boring.
I don't fully understand how the dialogue being unrealisic is a bad thing. It serves the prupose of my goal: erotic fun. But I think you are onto something with it... something I don't fully see. I am mixing realism when I see it as beneficial (the anger/arguing) and unrealistic (banter in the car with Karen and Adelaide) to create a fetish high.
Thanks for the nice things you added near the end. You're very thoughtful and generous to have taken the time to offer some constructive criticism. I need to think about this more, because I'm trying to understand how the story would be better if it were 100% realistic. The characters are truly 'characters'... in the sense that Kramer from Seinfeld is a character. But instead of humor, it's excessive emotion or absence of emotion or flaunted sexuality that defines the characters.
I hope you don't see this as a harsh response to a review. It seems to me more like different philosophies or styles of writing... each with different purposes and goals. Both seem equally valid and useful. But I could be wrong. I'm still learning. Thanks again for taking the time to help me.
