Reviewer: littless Signed
April 29 2019
Chapter 5: Chapter 5
Did I give you a 9 (4.5 stars) last time? I'm so sorry. It was a mistake. I hope this time it gets a 10.
So you want bit of critique eh? Ok, I'll give you critique. I must warn you, I write professionally, but only technical writing; I'm new at this fiction stuff. Take my words for what it's worth, which may not be much. Just something to consider. Now then ...
The story itself is fine and I think you write masterfully, however, I think the story is moves slowly. It's long on description and narrative but short on dialog. That's okay in this situation, so I don't know how to make it move faster, but I think more dialog would help, and possibly telling it in the third person. But what do I know?
Like Bigdawg K, I'm not really into the violent stuff, but I don't think this was very violent. It teetered on the edge of real violence but you did a good job of walking that fine line. And far be it from me to tell an author to change their story to suit my tastes. if I don't like a story, I don't have to read it. You shouldn't have to change it to satisfy me.
But on the other hand, there's lots of violent (and butt, vore, foot, smell and all sorts of other nasty stuff) here. So it's a refreshing change to find something more gentle. But again, it's your story.
I enjoyed it and hope to read more, seeing Jaden dominate over Laura, but playing with her. Tortoring her not with physical pain but in bringing her to the brink of satisfaction then pulling back. But that's just an idea. Do what you please.