Reviewer: Tigernach Signed
Date: August 11 2018
Title: Chapter 1: Meeting Madison
I have just read your first chapter, and while it is a good story, so far, you have serious grammar and spelling problems: punctuation is incomplete; tenses do not always match; you frequently use 'then' when you should use 'than', etc. If this reviewer allows, I will provide you with a partially corrected first chapter:
“And then I told him ‘Cmon Pussy. Don't stop now, you're almost there.” Carly said as she didn't even bother holding back her voice. Something that Dave didn't appreciate in the slightest.
Dave was your average guy, brown hair and medium built frame. He's not really popular and he's also not that unpopular, he's just kind of there. And he takes pride in that.
“Serious, Have you ever heard of an inside voice.” Dave responded, its not that he doesn't mind hearing his friends' sexual funs, he just doesn't appreciate all the looks those two are getting from the rest of the cafeteria
“Well anyway, long story short, he busted a nut in me.” She responded proudly. Carly Jones was a young and fit girl with jet black medium hair and clothes that would put a whore to shame. Her tight tank top hugged her chest and her shortshorts hugged her ass. Carly had a reputation at school for being the school’s bicycle. And she takes pride in that.
“Anyway that's my life, what's going on with you?” Carly asked Dave as he looked away.
“Not much really, just studying and shit. I'm way behind in science, I think Miss Creed is out to g-”
“Not like that. I meant like who you fucking?” Carly interrupted as Dave looked at her.
“Is that seriously all you can think about? We've been friends for what, twelve years, and this is what our relationship has evolved in.”
“Just answer the question, Dick” Carly joked back.
“No one, just haven't been looking lately, you know.” Dave answered back as Carly decided to stir the pot.
“Haven't been looking, or haven't been scoring? You know if you need help, I can always come in and-”
“And this conversation is over!” Dave responded as he got up to leave. “I got shit to do, Carly, see you later.”
“Wait, Dave!” Carly said causing him to look back at her. “Can you go up to Derrick and put in a good word for me? I want him next.”
“For fuck sake, Carly!” Dave said under his breath as he walked away, out of everything Carly could be why did it have to be a sex crazed fiend?
Dave walks through out the school yard planning on making his way to the science class. Miss Creed might help him, however its very obvious she doesn't like him. Dave doesn't know why, he considers himself a good kid, sure he's not a saint, but no one his age is.
While walking through the schoolyard, he heard some voices not so far away. They sounded like a bunch of girls laughing. Normally Dave would just keep walking and ignore them, however when he picked up on what they were saying, he stopped.
“You fucking prude! You think you're so much better than us, don't you?”
“She's think she's so fucking pure.”
“Yeah, because she's fucking too stupid to realise the truth.”
Hearing the bullying, you know you can't just walk away and do nothing. Dropping your bag just in case its a fight. You walk up to the voices. There, you see three girls around a girl with her back to the wall.
You recognised the three bullies, Ruby, Diane and Lindsay. They were cheerleaders and just to fit that stereotypical old attitude, all three of them were actual bitches. Ruby was the leader, that was obvious, with her long blonde hair and her beautiful face that made her think that she was better then everyone else. Diane had darker skin and was taller, and Lindsay had red hair and a smaller frame than Ruby.
The girl they were bullying was unknown to you, and she was dressed like an old lady. With clothes that covered her entire body, not even showing a part of her. She had honey coloured hair and a headband that held her hair down. She looked nice, however, from the look on her face, she obviously felt uncomfortable.
Being the hero, Dave decided to step in. “Hey! Hey! Get away from her!” Dave yelled, gaining the attention from all the girls. He stood between them as the cheerleaders looked at him with disgust.
“What the fuck do you want!” Ruby barked as Dave started to tell them off. “Just leave her, okay? There's no reason to do what your doing.”
“Who are you, her fucking brother, or something?” Ruby answered, the venom coming from her mouth.
“No, I'm just someone who doesn't like bullying, so now just leave her alone.” Dave snaps back as he felt like he was doing to right thing.
Ruby looked like she was ready to go off and start hitting on him, and since Dave is not really comfortable hitting a girl back, he feels like he would lose.
“Whatever, let's just fucking leave these two virgins alone!” Ruby said snidely, as she walked away, both of her lackeys following her. “Oh, and don't think that this is going to help you score with her! She's fucking locked up tight.” Ruby yelled again as she finally went out of sight. Turning around, Dave faced the girl he was protecting. She was a full head shorter than him, so he had to bend his head down to look at her.
“She does know you can do stuff for people out of the kindness of your heart. But then again, she probably doesn't have a heart.” Dave joked to her hoping to break the ice.
“Thank you.” She responded, as it seemed to work. “I didn't know what to do there.”
“Ruby’s a total bitch, so just walk away from her whenever you get the chance.” Dave explained as he forgot something “I'm Dave. Who are you?”
He extended his hand to her, and after a second she took it “My name is Madison.” She told him as she pulled her hand away.
“If you don't mind me asking, why were they picking on you?” Dave asked as she looked away.
“Well I kind of moved here recently, and-”
“Oh I get it, pick on the new kid kind of thing, huh. Geez that must be rough. I've lived here my entire life so I wouldn't know the feeling.” Dave said to her “Well I hope your adjusting well.”
“I am, but I don't think thats the only reason.” The Shy introvert said as you became curious “They were in my class this morning, and when I said something about myself I... got laughed at.”
“And that is?”
“I'm a Christian.” Madison said as it all made sense to you. The clothes, the prude and virgin comments made by Ruby and the others.
“So that's why they were picking on you. Because you believe in God?” You ask.
“Yes..” She responded meekly as she looked away.
“I mean... surely you've been picked on before about that?”
No... not really. I went to an all Christian School before I came to this one.” Madison responded as Dave started feeling bad.
That explains why she looked like an angel, herself. A girl like that is too good for a crummy school for this.
“Do...” Madison started getting Dave’s attention” “Do you believe in god?”
Crap. How does he respond to that. He can't be too rude and say he doesn't, and he doesn't want to lie and say he does. Dave’s got to think about his answer.
“Um well... I think its kinda...” He says as she looked confused. “I mean I've never really thought about it. If God is real, then that's cool, and if he isn't then I don't really care.” Dave looked to see if his answer was working. It kind of was.
“Don't get me wrong I can understand why people believe in him, having someone take care of your life and guide you is defiantly nice, and I'm not faulting anyone for believing in him. And if he’s real, then great, but I don't think in this moment that I believe in god.”
Dave looked and saw Madison. She wasn't angry or sad that you didn't believe in god, she looked kind of happy.
“That... that was a really caring answer.” She said as Dave looked away blushing a bit. She did look beautiful.
“Uh... Thanks.”
Dave then watched as Madison reached into her bag and pulled out a small lunchbox, she opened it up and Dave saw her pull out a muffin. It looks good as she gave it him.
“Here. Consider it my way of saying 'thanks'.” She said as Dave took the muffin. Not wanting to be rude he took a bite of it and he absolutely loved it.
“Wow, Madison, this is really good.” You tell her.
“Oh, that's nice of you to say.” She said as it was her turn to blush.
“I'm serious, this is really good. You can open up your own bakery with this.”
“Thank you.” Madison said with a huge smile on her face.
Madison wanted to talk more, however, Dave had a problem.
“Oh, man, I've got to go. I need to get Miss Creed’s attention before she leaves.” Dave then ran past but stopped just in time to say goodbye to Madison. “Nice to meet you, Madison, thanks for the cupcake.”
“You're very welcome.” She answered as he kept running. Madison watching him go with a huge and caring smile.
Please use this copy to compare with your own uploaded text, and see what I mean. BTW: only proper nouns, names, the beginning of sentences and the personal pronoun 'I' should be capitaliised, always.
Author's Response: Thank you, it seems like you enjoyed reading it enough to critic on it. Ive always had a problem with Then and Than.
As for the capitalation issue, i due that to try to put some emphesis and emotion. im not saying its alll that reason as i imagine ive put some unwanted Capitals before.
I know i should change and edit it more but i dont think i will. Not laziness but more from the fact that im satisfied, even with the issues.
Hope you enjoy the other chapters though
