This chapter needs spaces between paragraphs.

It was quite hard to read 

I read this story with my mind set to "Written Media Critic"

So as a "magazine owner" I would not accept this story. We're too focused on our readers and if we had such a story, people would not buy it and we would not make a lot of cash.

Ok, now to review with the mind of "Myself, the bitter reviewer who writes stories and is less bitter now" 

However, as I am not a magazine owner or anything, I can now give you my review of this story.

Ok, so your story was rejected by a magazine. Oh well, who cares, their loss. At least here we understand and respect people (unless they type in all caps and spell you as "u.")

So I think the story was good, but it isn't a masterpiece.

Also you gave out unnessecary details. For example, I don't need to know about the other gangs, because they were not relevant to the story. Unless you were planning on sending a series to a magazine, then adding such details were not needed

Seriously, I hate Neo-Nazi gangs and I hated the stories you wrote that were about them. Nazis are evil. No Hitler was not a great leader, he drove Germany into the ground. He only riled up the people and delayed their economic collapse by a few years.

Nothing great about him. Now then. Putting in great details around the end of the story is not good either. You give us a whole bunch of info which we think will go somewhere, but then we're slapped with a big "The End" and you go "What the hell?"

So there's my gripes, rants and review of the story. Even if the magazine were to be ignoring the vore in it, some of the stuff in the story was not needed 

I dunno how I'll say this, but here goes:

Needs more grammar. It's no good making a story like it was constructed in a hurry. There is no rush to post a story, so there is no need to skip on the grammar and use chatspeak

Reviewing stories is the same thing, but sometimes you might want to review quickly. Anyway, so there is no rush for writing stuff here. No one has a gun to you saying "Write this story now!"

Take your time, work out the errors or at least improve on the grammar and then post it.

Until then, I won't be giving this rating 

Who doesen't love a big growsy smashyfest? Two people don't. I think we're tied in number. Two people for and two people against :D

But you can see why there hasn't been a mega story for a while. It just does not work 

I recommend a crude plan or something so at least you have an idea on what to do. Doesen't have to elaborate. Thinking as you write is good, but planning it is better.

Of course, you plan offsite on Microsoft Word and you make sure no one but you reads it.

So if the subplot works, well plan it out, see how it might work and then consider your options 

What I mean by is that you take this story and put it as Chapter 2 of the previous story. I know this site needs more stories, but quality is better than quantity

Author's Response:

 Dear Stylesrj, Am still mystified; also by your remark - 'quality is better than quantity.'  Does that mean you are unhappy with it?  I would like your comments whichever way you see it.

Banfield.

p.s. How about you, chozo....anything to say?

The site does need more stories, but you shouldn't fulfill the requirements by posting each chapter as a different story.

I have read part one, and it seems to be just like Chozo's story, except you changed the protagonists. I dunno how I can say my opinion of the story nicely. I mean, my opinion of it is a mixed bag. I like some parts, don't like others and others are neutral, so I dunno...

Sorry, I should have put "realism" in quotation marks or perhaps added lack of realism... whatever, you probably get what I mean right?

Anyway, when a story is written, it can either be a good story or a sex story. If it can't be written well, then you better damn well better make the sex good. It's not "sex" when they do it every paragraph.

Writing stories isn't all about "Let's put sex words in every paragraph" or "Let's have the army lose to piss off people like Stylesrj" or something like that. You got to know what you're writing about and take in the good points with the bad.

I'm trying to see if I can be nice. But at the same time, a critical person who will point out some problems and tell you how you can fix them. Of course, in a story like this, there are so many problems that need fixing, and not by hammering a plyboard over it 

You have to try harder in order to be "violent" :D

Keep at it, you're not going too far in violence, in fact, it's not violent enough. The only thing more violent, shocking and scary to me is that bunny rabbit at the end of Doom. You know, where his head is on a pike in front of that mountain... that was scary.

Anyway, so what might be described here is shocking or violent, but I still think nothing beats that rabbit. Keep at it with the violence and don't think you're going too far

I found it an interesting story, but quite far from violent. If there was any "violence" I probably didn't see it as such.

Tell me, what was the violent part of the story?