You must login (register) to review.
Reviewer: Casanova Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: July 07 2014 4:56 PM Title: Cold Realization

Kilowatt, you're a fine writer with a quirky sort of style. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but your diction and sentence structure and just everything else makes for an odd mix of humorous, formal, and maybe even a bit sarcastic. This certainly helps your first person narrative, because in first person stories every word that is written must build the protagonist's character, and of course it doesn't hurt to have a unique voice for your protagonist. Overall, I think that is the strongest part of this story.

My main bit of criticism would be that perhaps the baseball portion of the story is a bit too long. While I do appreciate the flashes of character we see in the protagonist (generally well-respected, seemingly honorable for the most part), I worry that perhaps too much time is spent with in depth descriptions of the game that might not be crucial, and instead slow the pacing of the story. That being said, I think that it's very nicely done how you've developed this odd dichotomy for Clark, where, as far as I can tell, he's a somewhat honorable guy that you'd expect to uphold his side of the bet. However, he keeps making boneheaded decisions, and these decisions wouldn't necessarily appear as boneheaded if we hadn't seen how Clark interacted with his teammates throughout the two baseball chapters. So it's a bit of give and take, obviously, but my humble opinion is that you may have hit the "too much baseball" end of the spectrum -- especially in light of the initial chapter, where we see Clark is shrunk (a mysteriously shrunken man -- one is grievously injured, no less -- is far more interesting than baseball, even for non-macrophiliacs).

Ultimately though, you've managed to make Clark interesting and likable enough (although he should've just worn the damn hat) such that I'm sure many people will continue to read just to see what becomes of him. I definitely look forward to future installments.

Reviewer: AdamX Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: July 06 2014 7:56 PM Title: The Least Dangerous Game

Ah, good stuff.

Reviewer: Chloe13 Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: June 02 2014 7:00 PM Title: Eerie Building with a Side of Comeuppance

I will admit the first chapter I read I wasn't sure what to think since your writing style was different than anything else but in a good way.


Next I must say you have great diction through the entire collection of the chapters. I don't recall you repeating a descriptive word at all so nothing became stale which obviously is great.


My last point is that I really want to see this next chapter I  have a feel the next chapter is going to be the best I love suspense in a story


I will be reading 


Reviewer: AdamX Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: May 26 2014 8:45 PM Title: Eerie Building with a Side of Comeuppance

I'd watch baseball/softball a lot more if these were the stakes.

Reviewer: riczar Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: May 26 2014 2:40 PM Title: Cold Realization

A very imaginative plot!  I've been following this, despite knowing that this would turn badly for the guy.  I wonder if he knows that he doesn't have a prayer of winning this one.  The girls all seem to be athletic, if their performance in the baseball game was any indication.  I hope that the friendship between he and Angi won't allow things to get out of control when he's shrunk.  Each of the girls will probably have a turn with him.  I'll continue following this for now.

Reviewer: Asterisk Signed starstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: April 15 2014 11:03 AM Title: Bottom of the 10th

Alrighty, did a quick read through of the story so here's some feedback.


First off you have a decent thing going here. I wouldn't call this story bad at all and it's actuall a little impressive considering it's your first story. I'm interested to see where this goes.

Now for some negative things. Grammar and sentence structure is off in a decent number of places. Some lines read like their overly complicated and there's a couple typos and at least one space issue. That's not too bad though. I think what could really help your story out is more detail. I know what happened but what runs through his head at the time? How do other people react? How about some world building? What lead to this game? Who agreed to the bet? They aren't fully needed but details like that can really sell the world and immerse the reader.


But like I said, it isn't bad at all. I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with this!

Reviewer: Mr E Signed [Report This]
Date: April 10 2014 4:17 PM Title: Cold Realization

Your time has come. that paragraph sent shivers down my spine.

Nice start I'm looking forward to the conclusion of this

Reviewer: vgiv Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: April 07 2014 9:42 PM Title: Bottom of the 10th

The vocabulary differences and use of different words show a more experienced writer, hope to see more.

Reviewer: vgiv Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: April 07 2014 9:40 PM Title: Cold Realization

Nicely written.

Reviewer: realRS Signed [Report This]
Date: March 25 2014 10:28 AM Title: Bottom of the 10th

Well you write a strong baseball game, I'm looking forward to the main show.

Reviewer: aaron Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: March 25 2014 2:19 AM Title: Bottom of the 10th

This is an excellent idea for a story. I love the way it written. I cannot wait to see what happens next.


You must login (register) to review.