Reviewer: gadgetmawombo Signed
Date: June 27 2013
Title: Chapter 23: Amber – gift and aid.
I do love this story but I have some criticisms with the way its structured and the way its told, these things are my humble opinions though, so dont take them too seriously...
Firstly, Im hoping for some action in the next chapter. By action I dont mean like killing or a grand adventure I just mean things happening. I kind of understand what your going for, its like your seeing things from multiple points of view, but to me the only real time this story moves significantly forward is during a Kate or Interlude chapter.
The Nichole and Amber chapters are spent with them just trying to catch up to what the reader already knows from the other chapters. Im guessing that at some point their gonna figure things out and Nichole and Amber are going to be part of the driving force behind the plot, but at the moment not only are they not really interesting/likable characters (my opintion BTW), they merely spend the majority of their time re-iterating and analyzing what happened in a previous chapter in their own heads; their perspectives dont really drive the plot forward...
They, themselves DO drive the plot forward but most of the time it is during one of the Kate chapters when the reader isnt being given a full access pass to everything they are thinking. Basically they work better as 3rd person characters in my opinion. Maybe you want to show the perspective of someone completely oblivious to the caretaker system? Well both of them are oblivious, so you really dont need to have two chapters dedicated to showing this.
Overall thought, the story definitely one of the greats in my book, its just that I think it could be told better if it had less padding/filler halting the story's progression, there is really no reason why we the readers need to fully comprehend what is going on in their pretty little heads to this extent.
My two cents anyway, just some friendly critique.
Author's Response: I truly appreciate the feedback - I feared it might be even worse, up to the point that readers might complain about the sweeping boredom and even giving up on the story entirely (the latter may still be happening, since there wouldn't be any feedback from such disappointed people).
The original plan contained much more character diversity, they had three distinct plot lines - which were interconnected, but mostly independent from each other. After the script changes (before the ch9) it's basically a single story (with side-characters popping in and out) and I was even considering skipping the N&A chapters partly/entirely - but I felt they would feel too shallow if I did so. But keeping their perspectives leaves them in a peculiar position for several chapters - suspended in their own ignorance in contrast with Kate's revelations. If their stories were told earlier, they may have been more emotional or interesting - but there we go...
When it comes to Nicole and Amber "being part of the driving force behind the plot" - they already are, we will learn later how it would have happened differently if it wasn't for them (although it wasn't their conscious intent, of course), but we will start to understand more in the next two chapters (it was already hinted, but will be properly explained) - perhaps the level of detail on them will start making more sense then?
Also, I understand a lot of the descriptions feels like they're just retelling/rethinking the earlier events, there are still things happening around them - and I felt that before we jump into real events and the finale, it is important to at least fully describe the three main characters motives (the original plan aimed to also explain other mothers and some firsts, which would be _much_ longer - and I realized it might be too much for me to write, even besides its other.. disadvantages).
I understand the desire to see how this ends (and don't worry, we'll get there :>), but I really wanted to at least try to explain it comprehensively - after all, dry events are almost meaningless... the script listing all events has like two pages for the entire story (not to mention that explaining what happened so far would require only several sentences...). It's only with the girls observations and motivations that their actions start to make some sense and we can relate to them (of course it is fiction and all that, but I hope they seem reliable enough for that). Even if we disagree with what is happening or wish they would act differently - which probably happens a lot with Amber/Nicole. Also - their ignorance may make them look similarly, but their motivations are completely different and that may guide their further actions in different ways, even though they currently had fun together carelessly - in contrast with Kate's understanding what is going on.
With all that in mind, I will try to speed up the progression (but the next chapter is ugh.. 7k and counting), perhaps shorten the next bundle a bit - I had eight mostly static chapters planned (20-27) to understand the stage before moving onto the more important things. Maybe it would be better if I had published the entire story at once, as there would be no wait period between the chapters (it worked very well in that Big Sky story - I really recommend it, BTW).
I don't know - again, huge thanks for the advices and please do let me know if - and whenever - it feels boring or too long, dragging, etc.
