This review will be harsh but I think you need to hear it. This story was not a total waste but it wasn't that good either. Detail is a must, but it shouldn't wash out the story. There is so much that you could do with a story like this that one chapter doesn't do it justice. In fact, with your permission, I'd like to try my hand at this exact story, I'd give you credit for the original story of course. What do ya say? 

The first chaper was terrible. Too much backstory in stuffed into a chapert. I felt myself going to sleep. The second was better, but not by much. Sorry man. You've got a great idea, but the way you're precenting it is off.

Great idea, terriable 1st chapter. There are two main reasons I say this. First, it's not in frist person. I perfer being the charater not hearing what they do. Second, diction. I think it's safe to assume you're of British decent, becuase it shows in your writing. Saying things like "arse" and "bum". I, personaly, find those types of words distracting. Saying "ass" and butt" is easier and will make more sence to everyone. Anyways good idea, bad presitation of that idea.

This story could've been a lot better. Now I've only read the first 2 chapters so maybe you already fixed some of the things that I'm going to critque. Also I'm not yelling at you or anything, I'm just trying to give some helpful adivce. 

The frst thing that I noticed was the "you"s instead of "I"s. Now abc has already talked a lot about this so I'll just say one thing about it. More people will want to read a story in the 1st preson. 

The second thing is that in the first chapter you changed precpetives. "...she was caring and looked after me as well as my younger sister Tilly. You notice that she is..." I had to go back and re-read that three or four times to truly understand what it was saying. You also have a lot of grammar and spelling errors, but I'm not gonna be too picky on that. Mainly because I suck with grammar and spelling too.

The next thing is that Chole goes out of charater in the 2nd chapter. You describe her as gentle in the 1st, but then she insults her brother in the 2nd. Now maybe that's based on personal exp., however I am an older brother I care for my little bro yet I don't insult him....much. If I were to insult him I'd atleast say his n

Last and, in my opinion, most important is detail. You don't have enough. You say in the first chapter "...you see a blonde figure standing in the doorway." It's great that you told us her hair color, but we want to know more about her. Is she tall? What are her facical features? Is she skinny, or large? What color are her eyes? You get the idea. Going into detail helps the reader. The reader should be able to have a high quataily movie of your book playing in their head as they read. Now, like I said, I've only read the first two chapters so maybe you've already been adding more deatil.

I want to say again, this was in no way ment to be rude or insulting. I'm just trying to give you some tips on how to make a great story. For a first story, it's not that bad.