Reviewer: Ancient Relic Signed
January 13 2014
Chapter 14: Competition's End
I actually didn't think they'd go home so easily. But they did, and their goodbye felt really good. This time, I think you did much better in describing their last night. While you didn't mention every detail, you gave us seeds that our imaginations could grow. When you said 'dollhouse', I saw Sherri doing what Betty did earlier, and when you said 'sauna' and 'hot tub', I saw Sherri doing what Betty and Annie did in that scene.
I have some advice for Season Two. Go back, and touch it up a bit. If you haven't seen it in a long time, then you could easily look at it with fresh ideas and improve it in ways you didn't think of the first time around.
An editor/coauthor (depending on the amount of work done by the other people) could point out typos and make suggestions, and consider contacting another author about providing that (I'd be happy to).
You did well this time, so if it's a lot better as you claim then it's going to be fantastic. Take these even farther next time around:
1) Make sure Betty is a master manipulator and schemer. Think carefully about the information you give us, and either give us what we need to figure it would or what we need to be mislead and suprised.
2) Lots of variety in challenges and sex scenes, and don't make them too simple.
3) Give lots of thought to realistic and complex relationships and interaction.
I eagerly await the future of your series.Author's Response:
Thanks for your thoughtful and intellegent feedback. I think I will look over Season Two with a spell/grammar check to smoothe over some of the more egregious typos. I consider myself a pretty mechanically sound writer but my spelling and grammar are rough around the edges sometimes, especially in my older works.
I'm pretty happy with Season One given that it was something I never really intended to publish or even show to anyone but closest friends at the time. If I wanted to get serious about it I could go back and rewrite the story and especially put some meat on the bones of the early chapters. However, my mind has moved on to other things by now. Plus, I'm not quite the same person I was 8 years ago and I'd find it hard to recapture the same feeling I had in the story. I think the story will have to stand as it is, flawed though it may be.
A lot of the things you criticised about Season One are improved upon in Season Two, particularly getting into depth with the characters and how they feel about each other and their situation. I tried to make everyone react to things in a way that was consistant with their characters. The sex scenes become more detailed as well, and there is a lot of variation between them. Most of the competitions are different than in Season One, and the ones that were carried over were altered in some ways. Generally, the biggest strength Season Two has over Season One is it's level of detail. Season Two is more than three times the length of Season One dispite it taking place over exactly the same amount of time.