Reviewer: Bridget_drkW Signed
November 15 2022
Chapter 1: Chapter 1
These first two chapters have been incredible. The way you describe the lab and the security measures to keep everything secret (for as long as it needs to be) makes this story incredibly immersive and realistic. The doctor comes off as VERY interesting and mysterious. Molly is very likeable. The jargon and its overwhelming impact on Riley is great. The logistics and protocols make the world deep and create a desire to know more (loved the iron door and the "unnecessary" security measures). The rapport is believable and well-written, and Riley's growing (and I'm sure fleeting) comfort with Molly offers a momentary break from the stressful but enjoyable mounting tension. I just can't say enough good things about these two chapters.
The only constructive criticism I could give would be that you transition a fair amount between present and past-tense and it can be a bit jarring. See two examples below. I personally think writing exclusively in past-tense is much easier and more fluent but that's just me.
"Molly POINTS her finger at Riley’s chest. “Well, basically – that’ll be you! For Ava!..."
"so he SCRAMBLED along after her like a baby duckling."
All in all, great job and looking forward to seeing his response to Molly's "good" news.Author's Response:
I'm thrilled to see you drop by! I'm so happy you've enjoyed it so far, and I hope to have do the first two chapters justice as I progress!
Your works were a huge inspiration for this story and I can't wait to see how it grows and develops over time. Thank you so much!