I had nothing but a blank stare as Kristen set the dollhouse on the table. She sat back down with a proud smile, eyeing me expectantly as if I’d suddenly marvel at her idea.

“The hell am I looking at?”

“A dollhouse.”

“Why?”

“I’ve kept since I was a little girl.”

“Why?”

“Because I like it. Plus it’s useful for times like these.”

“Why?

“We’re going to use it.”

“Why?”

“You have any better ideas?” She quipped, finally tired of my question.

“I think nothing would be a preferable idea honestly.”

Kristen rolled her eyes, “Just get in the house. It won’t be that bad.”

I sighed, shrugged, and headed on over. Not like I was busy or anything. To be fair the dollhouse actually looked rather nice, albeit old. It must’ve been one of those Barbie Dreamhouse Mansion things. It just screamed five-year old girl with bright pink walls, a red roof and judging by the windows a yellow interior. The colors were a little faded and I could make out the layer of dust on the roof but aside from that and a couple bits of chipped paint it was actually in really good condition.

You know what else? The thing was huge. Like, way bigger than a dollhouse had any right to be. Compared to a real-life house it was nothing but to me it seemed like a house made for giants ten times my height. Once I got to the door it felt like I was a toddler who couldn’t reach the doorknob by himself. But this was a dollhouse so I didn’t need a doorknob anyway. With a bit of heaving I push the door open and headed inside.

Ever heard of the uncanny valley? It’s this idea that no matter how close technology gets to recreating people in say movies, there’s something unnatural about it that makes your brain tell you that it isn’t right. That was how the dollhouse felt. There was no mistaking I was now standing in a giant living room but it felt so fake I found myself fascinated by every little detail. The tables, the furniture, the TV, even the floor was all made of the same cheap plastic with some basic textures applied to it all. In a weird way it was kind of refreshing. Even if everything around me was still gigantic this at least seemed…I dunno…easier? I could actually walk around this house and get by on my own if need be. In an actual building I’d need a chauffeur just go to a different room but give me ten minutes here and I can do it.  

“Having fun?” Kristen giggled from outside.

“Time of my life.” I dryly replied.

After a minute or two I heard her outside again, “Hold on. I can’t hear you…let’s see…”

I fell flat on back as the entire house rumbled like an earthquake was happening. I knew logically it was just something Kristen was doing outside but that didn’t stop me from hiding underneath the nearest table before a plastic chair or plate crushed me. Loud cracking and popping noises from above rang in my ears, making me curious enough to take a peek to see just what the hell was going on. Once I looked it became immediately obvious once I was greeted by Kristen’s smiling face in place of the roof. The roof was now gone and in its place my friend loomed over the entire structure like some kind of deity. I could see her hands on either side of her head. One had the freshly removed dollhouse roof, the other had her phone. She lowered her phone into the room with me, propping it against the wall.

“There we go. That work?”

Hesitantly I stepped outside into the open, marveling at how even a simple smart phone was bigger than damn near everything in this place. “Looks like it should.” Sure enough, it played my voice back with no problems.

“That’s good. Having fun?”

“This is surreal.”

“Why? Aren’t you used to stuff being bigger than you?”

“Yeah but this…It makes me feel like I’m a toy or something.”

She stared blankly at me. “Aren’t you? I mean, I put you in a dollhouse. Doesn’t that kinda make you a toy?”

“Last time I checked toys don’t move, breathe, or talk.”

She shrugged. “I dunno. You see some of those new toys out there? They can do some neat stuff.”

“Yeah…still not a toy.”

“You sure?”

“Certain.”

“Don’t wanna be my toy?”

“Not a chance.”

Her cheeks puffed out, “Too bad. I wanna play.”

Immediately my eyes rolled as I realized this was another case of me being stuck with someone else’s whims. At least I wasn’t bored anymore. “Sounds like this is going to suck.”

“Nonsense! Just hold on.” The giant girl watching from the heavens left, quickly returning with an old Barbie doll. She flashed it towards me like it was a trophy. “See?”

“Woo you have an old doll. What’re you going to do with that?”

She smiled, lowering the doll until it was propped on the little dollhouse couch across from her dollhouse TV next to the incredibly out of place smart phone. “I’m not gonna do anything. You are.”

“Of course I am…” I sighed. “What do I need to do?”

Kristen giggled, covering her mouth with her hand and speaking back in a high-pitched pretend voice. “Robby~ Come here~”

“Guessing that’s supposed to be the doll?” I pointed to the thing on the couch.

“Robby!”

“Coming. Coming.” I headed over to the couch, sighing yet again.

“There you are!” Kristen’s Barbie voice cheered. “I’ve been out all day and my feet are so sore. Could you rub them for me?”

“You’re kidding.” I looked past the roof towards Kristen but she maintained a straight smile and silently urged me on. After shaking my head and sighing once more, I walked over to the doll’s stiff, lazily propped feet by the ground and started pretending to massage them. They were slightly smaller than I was so compared to Jaz or Kari’s it seemed like an absolute cakewalk. That and, you know, she was a doll. “I take back everything I said before. This is surreal.”

“Mmmm~ That feels good!”

“I’m sure it does.”

“Be a good boy and I might even reward you later. Teehee!” Kristen started trying to giggle in her Barbie voice but it quickly turned into real laughter. Can’t blame her, I started laughing too. This was so damn weird. How could I not?

“Make sure to get in between the toes!”

I took another look at Barbie’s foot. All of her toes were drawn on with nothing separating them in any way, shape, or form. “…How?”

“Is that backtalk I’m hearing? Get to work!”

“Y-Yes Mam!” I pretended to get scared and hurriedly work, kinda getting into the pretend stuff a bit.” My eyes darted upwards into the soulless doll eyes and I had to fight the urge to laugh again.

After a minute or two of pretend massaging Kristen or rather, Barbie cleared her throat. “Nice job Robby. I think you deserve a reward.” Massive fingers grabbed the doll’s arm to move the hand up over her lips where I then heard loud giggling. “Follow me.” I played along, following the doll who was bouncing her way up the stairs. We ended up in the dollhouse bedroom. A sickening pink color was everywhere to be seen, the bed, the walls, even the shelves, but my eyes were focused on the Barbie Kristen placed on the bed. After a little bit more rearranging of her limbs she had her legs crossed while seated on the edge of the bed, head tilted so that lifeless blue eyes stared right at me. “Since you’re such a good boy Robby I’m going to let you have some fun for once.” Kristen’s fingers grabbed the doll from behind, plucking at her shirt until the loud sounds of it tearing off rang in my ears. The tattered garment was tossed across the room, leaving the doll’s bare, nipple-less chest out in the open.

“Always knew Barbie was a slut but damn.”

Ignoring me, Kristen chuckled in a deeper version of her doll voice. “Come here and have some fun~” She leaned the doll back against the bed and pulled her fingers back to watch.

I quickly climbed onto the bed and found myself eyeing the half-naked doll. As totally unarousing as this was I couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassed with my friend literally looming over me and watching the whole thing. Even so, I made my way on top of the doll and stood before her breasts and gently placed my hands on either one.

“Don’t be afraid. Keep going.”

I rolled my eyes and started to rub roughly where the nipples would be on a real person. “Thank you.” I moaned the most exaggerated way. “This is nice.”

“Mmm…It’s nice for me too.” Kristen gave a similar moan. “Hey Robby…?”

“Yes Kri-…Barbie…?”

“Do you like being my pet?”

“Yeah.” I nodded, just flat out not caring anymore. “You’re really pretty and you have such nice feet and you take care of me and…” I was cut out by the roaring laughs of my friend who couldn’t hold it in anymore.

When she finally calmed down again she quickly resumed the act. “I’m glad you feel that way. Even though you’re small…I’ll always take care of you. You know that right?”

“Of course.”

She chuckled, “In that case. How’s about you come up here and give me a kiss?”

“You got it!” I stopped my token rubbing of the doll’s chest and hopped over the small boobs towards her face. My body kneeled over, bringing my face closer to hers. Her entire plastic head was only slightly bigger than my body so it wasn’t hard to reach for her lips and bring my face near them. I leaned in, of course not kissing the damn thing because who knows where it’s been, and made loud smooching noises.

Kristen lost her mind after that, howling with laughter and keeling back into her seat. I soon started doing the same thing. As hesitant as I was to even get close to the dollhouse this was a lot of fun. Weirder than weird. But fun.

“And so Barbie and her pet Robby lived happily ever after.” Kristen managed to say amidst the chuckles.

“And Robby got laid.” I added with my own laugh.

She wiped her eyes with a finger, slowly calming back down. “That was fun.”

“That was weird…and fun.” I admitted, wiping my own eyes.

“Knew you’d like being a toy.”

“Just for a pretty girl.”

“Whatcha trying to say about me?” She raised an eyebrow and smirked. “Am I not pretty?”

I saw a trap a mile away there so I went for the unexpected answer. “Very pretty. Just not a girl.”

Her eyes widened in surprise momentarily before she giggled once. “Shut up.”

I laughed, finally winning one of these exchanges. “Either way. That was a nice way to kill time.”

“Mmhm.” She nodded in agreement. “Ready for dinner?”

“Yep. What’re we eating tonight?”

“Tacos.”

“Sweet. Let’s go.”

The next couple hours were spent making and eating dinner. No more antics happened that day worth reporting either. We just ate, watched a little TV, then decided to head to bed. Can’t complain though. It was a nice, fun day with Kristen, with hopefully a few more to come while I stayed there. These few days were a really refreshing break from the train wreck that was my life.

I wondered what the next day would bring. Would it be another heart wrenching day where life somehow gets worse? Or would it be a pleasant day with my friend?