Throwing my keys onto the table, I pulled at the knot of my tie. After the big announcement things had gone wild at the party. I'd kept my composure, a happy poker face permanently affixed to my features, but nothing sat right with me. The way Ae Ri had acted, the fight with Charlotte, the fact that she fucking owned a damn company. Why had she kept it secret? Why hadn't she told me about the bullying at work?

"Baaaaaabe, slow down!" She slurred her words, a few miles passed tipsy. We'd both been given shots repeatedly to celebrate her ascension to command. I'd drunk a few but, as designated driver, I declined the rest. That didn't stop her from accepting them on my behalf though. She'd tanked a ludicrous amount of alcohol through the night. Shots and cocktails were plentiful, thrust in her direction by almost everyone.  I'm not sure how much she could handle at 4'11, but at 5'6 she drank enough to give three of me alcohol poisoning. Apparently the legend of Ae Ri extended to her iron stomach too because people were purposefully, constantly bringing more. Drinks and food. It was a conveyor belt of decidence. Ae Ri didn't need to ever get anything, instead having it delivered by her now subordinates. So, her night consisted of dancing, eating and drinking, back to back, without pause. Sometimes all at the same time. Hoovering up platters of hors d'oeuvres may have assisted in padding out her alcohol but still, she seemed inhuman with what she could stomach. Her abs had been bloated, pressed tightly against her dress by everything she'd consumed at the party, but now, back home, her combustion engine stomach had burned it all flat again.

I was exhausted, walking to the kitchen to rehydrate. Her obnoxiously high heels didn't seem to be a problem while drunk either as she followed me, clicking and clacking the whole way.

"Baaaaaabe!" She called, giggling, cheeks burning bright red in a stereotypically Asian way. I'd ignored her the first time but now she was hovering over me.

"What?" I asked grumpily, filling a tall glass with water from the tap.

"Oh, good idea." She reached around my shoulder and took it straight from my fingers. In a swift motion, she emptied it, gulping it down in a few seconds. Was that just her second nature now? To take whatever was in someone else's hands, expecting it to be another offering to her gluttony? "Thanks." She said, bathing me in alcohol laced breath. At least she thanked me...

I looked up at her, sandwiched between the sink and her tall, broad form, still eye level with her nose. That sense of claustrophobia was crawling back under my skin. "Was that it? You just wanted water?"

"Noooope. I wannaed to tell you that you're cute." She smiled. "Really cute. And little. My lil' Paulie." She sang, swaying happily. I remained deadpan, unimpressed by her drunken epiphany. "You look soooo adrorable from up here." She sounded like she was in pain saying the statement. As if it needed to come out, bursting from her chest. "So tiny down there!" Another giggle. "Lil' sub six foot Pauuuulie." I hadn't particularly cared about the whole six foot thing. It was an arbitrary thing that the Internet popularised. But, having Ae Ri singing about it and laughing was making me suddenly self conscious. I fidgeted backwards against the sink. Did she think I was short? A gasped was suddenly inhaled. More thoughts shot from her mouth. She whispered, "God, in 6 inch heels I'd be six foot tall. And - and in four inch heels I'm your height now!" I didn't like this train of thought. I wanted to get off at this stop, to move away. It felt impossible though with her drunkenly leering over me. "Oh, you are so cute when you look this teeny tiny!"

"I'm still taller than you!" I blurted.

Her head tilted to the side, smile stretching bigger. It's right then that I knew I'd fucked up. Drunk Ae Ri knew she'd found a gap in the armour. She leaned down bringing her face towards mine. Pure alcohol burned my nose. "Do you feel bigger than me?"

My claustrophobia grew as her body closed in. I didn't. Not at all. Just as she had before, she bent at the knees and hunched over to hug me. Being inebriated meant that, unlike her normal hugs, she put a lot of her weight onto me, pushing the sink painfully into my back.

"Ri, careful. You're heavy." I grunted, forcing my body to stay as straight as I could.

Tittering at my efforts, she rubbed herself into me, letting more of her weight press me backwards. I struggled forwards, abs flexing against hers, battling to stay upright. Each lungful of oxygen for her pushed more breath out of me, her chest and stomach and diaphragm inflating, invading the space I could occupy, shrinking it smaller. Then the arms around me squeezed tighter, crushing my ribs and turning me into a dog's squeak toy. Ae Ri's breasts dominated my chest, covering me up just as they had Charlotte's. But I was smaller than Charlotte. Those watermelon tits were almost touching my chin as they squished up and around and all over. "Ri!" I squeaked, warping further around the sink, body becoming mishaped. Her laughter grew at the noises I let out and, to my amazement, she somehow constricted me further. I could feel her pecs hardening to steel, pushing her tits up even perkier, biceps swelling, seemingly bending my bones as they engorged bigger.

"Riiiiiii!" My voice continued to climb in pitch as her grinning, face got closer, contorting me over the counter.

"Mwah... Mwah... Mwah." She started to push big, hard, exaggerated kisses into my face, leaving purple lip prints across my cheeks. Each one forced me to bend more as she was apparently oblivious to my spine creaking.

"Stooooop." I wriggled in her arms, pouring my meager offering of strength into an escape. But they were immovable, thick metal bars, gradually compacting me ever thinner. "Ri, stop!" I demanded, thrashing.

Lilting giggles echoed around my head as she straightened, lifting some of her weight easily and stopping the gradual distortion of my vertebrae. "Stop?" Ae Ri asked. "But you're enjoying this soooo much." Wriggling her hip side to side, she rubbed her thigh and crotch against mine, highlighting the massive erection stabbing into her. It had sprung out of me without me even realising. Once again, my Brutus of a dick had betrayed me, even if it was stabbing someone else.

"I'm not!" I barked.

"Ohhhhhhh, stop lying, Paulie." She cooed, chuckling, standing fully upright she lifted my weight slightly, forcing me onto my toes. She'd positioned us so that we were nose to nose, her arms keeping me there even if I didn't have the height required for it to be possible. "I'll let you go when I'm done with you." She purred. This time the kiss she delivered was on the lips, twisting her head slightly and forcing hers to my own. I swooned. I sagged into her. The pain and outrage was a dull ache for a moment as her lips bleached my thoughts, our tongues dancing together.

But that was only for a moment. I let out a muffled cry and jerked my head back. She broke the kiss and gave an annoyed "Aw! Why'd you do that?"

"I said stop!"

"Fine. I'll stop. But you have to do something first." Some bones in my back popped as the pressure increased suddenly harder. She bent forwards, purposefully torturing me.

"What? What!?"

"Admit you like this." Her tone had changed, smile altered, parted lips only just upturned at the edges, nostrils flaring and a flash of something I recognised in her eyes. She was getting off on this. On the power she was flexing on me.

"I don't!"

"Stop. Lying." Her breath stung my eyes. It could probably corrode a breathalyser. "Tell. Me. The truth." I was collapsing in on myself like an aluminium can, her strength surging stronger with each punctuated, breathy word, lips curving upwards.

And as she did that, my cock did the same, doing the opposite of being squished flat like the rest of me. My balls throbbed, tensing tighter. "He's telling the truth. Why aren't you?" She rubbed at it idly with her body

"I like it." I wheezed quietly, insides shrinking all on their own now.

"What do you like?" She practically boomed in comparison, excited, wringing words out of me as if I were a wet towel.

"I like - I like that y-you can manhandle me!" I felt dirty saying it. I was supposed to be taking a stand after all the bullshit. I was supposed to be better than this.

"You like me being stronger than you?"

"Y-yes!"

"And bigger?"

My oxygen deprived brain went into hyper drive. How was she bigger than me? Did she just mean the heels? Did she know I lied about my weight? A more devastating thought hit me. Did she gain enough to be heavier than my fibbed weight? Hyper drive waned and emergency functions took it's place. I didn't have time to question this.

"Yeah! Yes! I like it!" I conceded completely, speaking a truth I'd been in denial of.

"Seeeeee? That wasn't so hard." She said, rubbing the tip of her nose against mine in an Eskimo kiss. Like a steam engine venting pressure the hug eased. Then, in an abrupt, explosive movement, Ae Ri grabbed my waist and hoisted me into the air, lifting me like a sack of groceries. I had air time for a half second as she transitioned her hands to grip my ass, cradling our crotches interlinked, my legs straddling her hips.

"Whoa, wha!" I screeched in shock, surprised that she could lift and carry me so effortlessly.

"I wanna have more fun." Some of the words were conjoined but that's clearly what she said, waddling, carrying me. Each step jolted my body, rubbing my member  against her in a way that made my head spin.

"Ae Ri, put me down." I tried to stay calm, to have some control of the situation as she carted me through her apartment. But gradually my chest was tightening, a fear permeating my brain and lining the edges of the part of me that really did think this was hot. However, right now, my focus was on not being dropped by her, hands on her shoulders, still dubious about the strength needed to carry me. She didn't appear to be struggling at all though. "Ri, put me down." I growled this time.

An eyebrow cocked upwards at the demand. I hadn't realised where we were. Her bedroom. "Down? 'Kay!" Her response was chirped happily back to me. Gravity abruptly claimed me as she threw me down onto the bed. My weight crashed into the mattress, making the frame creak. I half bounced before being descended on by a ravenous murder of crows. Her hands were everywhere, forcing me back down into the mattress, feeling me up and down, tearing at my clothes, ripping my shirt open and sending shrapnel, collatoral damage buttons spraying across the room.

"Ri, stop!" I bellowed, frantically trying to bat away her hands. She transitioned to unbuckling my belt. I pushed at her arms, again telling her to stop, wriggling up the bed, but her grip on the leather was cinched in too tightly. I slowed her down but that was it. That was all I could do: Slow the inevitable. Unbuckled, she moved to the trousers as I flailed, slapping wet noddles against her steel. Without a care, she tore the button and zipper asunder.

Fingers encircled my wrists and, climbing onto the bed after me, Ae Ri muscled my hands down onto the mattress, above my head. Now my pulse really spiked, adrenaline easing into my blood stream. My verbal resistnece was silenced swiftly, another mind blanking kiss. Soft, warm, comforting lips, far, far bigger than they once were, met mine sensually, partly pacifying my panicked fight or flight response. I moaned angrily into her but bit by bit, my defiance was unknotting. Heavy, firm and sturdy, her weight was impossible to move. Impossible to budge. Oaken legs were tucked under her so her ass was on my hips, knees around my waist, ass and sex against mine. My own wriggling was sending waves of pleasure along my shaft. I was a man treading water in the ocean, each effort to save myself edging me closer to succumbing. When her tongue pushed into my mouth, I debated biting her. Lightly, of course. A warning. Something. But ultimately, I knew that was stupid. I didn't want to hurt her. She was just drunk. Yet still, an animal fear was growing inside of me, even if some deranged part of me found this hot.

Breaking the intimate kiss, she rose above me, hair falling around us both like a curtain. A string of saliva connected us for a moment before it snapped and a line of thin, wet cold fell to my chin, neck and chest.

"Ae Ri, let me go." I ordered again, too proud to beg.

"But you taste soooo good." Diving back down, her soft, pink, bumpy tongue dragged a line along my chest, up my neck, tracing the line of saliva she'd left. It tickled me, sparking more physical struggling, trying to break free. Tingles radiated over my body, a wild fire spreading from the skin her tongue had touched. Whipping my body left and right, hard, I couldn't budge her. She laughed at my attempts. "I told you already Paulie. You've got no [i]chance[/i]." That really got the adrenaline going. Those words. The fact she was right. Even if I 100% didn't want this I couldn't stop her. It clawed at my brain, chest rising and falling as shallow breaths rattled through me. A new rash of terror broke out over my nervous system, memories of the past, of when I'd felt this powerless. My legs swung up and down, beating against the bed, the only part of me that had any sense of freedom. "I'm gonna eat you up." She purred, continuing to pepper my chest up and down, dipping lower, towards my crotch. "And you're too skinny and weak to do anything about it, aren't you, Paulie?" Those words seared into my brain. The teasing and bullying it all came back in flashes, incensing me.

"GET OFF!" I bellowed loudly, seeing red, refusing to be a victim again. I went into a full meltdown. Adrenaline completely emptied into my system and with a strength I'd never naturally have, I broke loose, swinging and bouncing and punching, almost frothing at the mouth. She'd been crouched low over me, in a feline stretch, kissing my abs and pelvis, with her arms outstretched. That stance had meant it was easier to break free. As soon as I did, she'd straightened up, shocked. I felt my fist hit something and Ae Ri finally backed away, getting off of me. I kicked at the mattress, heart galloping in my chest as I curled into a ball near the head rest like a frightened animal.

"Paul, what the fuck!" Roared my girlfriend, nursing her lip. She'd sobered up very quickly. "Did you just... Did you just fucking punch me?" She snarled, stomping around the bed.

"I told you to stop!" I barked, still buzzing with chemical fight.

"So fucking what? I thought you were just playing! And you punched me!" She shoved me, launching me, ricocheting me off of the headboard.

I let out a pained wail and fell to the floor. Her anger flickered when she saw me, laid out, across the opposite side of the bed, feverishly scrambling to get up. "Paul?" She asked, no fury in her voice, finally aware of how strong she was and how scary the situation must have seemed. Scratching at the floor, I moved to stand. Her heels thudded against the wall as she kicked them off, vaulting the bed, chasing me as I left. "Paul, are you okay?"

I span. "What do you fucking think!?" Ae Ri shrank back. I'd never shouted at her before. Not like this. I was lost in basal emotions. It was refreshing looking down at her again. The illusion of her towering over me was gone. Her timid expression, the concern, it softened my rage but I refused to let it burn out. "Leave me alone." I said, words cold instead of hot, spinning away, continuing to try and fix my clothes, heading to the front door.

"Paul, where are you going?" She asked, voice trembling.

"I'm going home. I don't want to be here."

"Please don't. I'm sorry. I didn't realise you - I'm so sorry, Paul. Please!" She followed me, bare feet slapping against the floor, apologetic words coming closer to tearful. "We - let's just calm down and talk, okay? We can set up a safe word and this won't ever happen again! I swear, I -" It was clear I wasn't listening. Dishevelled clothes, shoes in hand instead of on my feet, I grabbed my keys from the table. Incoherent pleading babbled into a torrent as I stormed out, slamming the front door behind me.

Sounds of anguish pierced the door. Swearing and screaming that sounded as if it should be in some drama rather than real life. Ignoring it all, I hurried, descending down the steps and rushing to my car. For the first time in weeks, I sped home. Eyes peeled wide and muscles tense, muscle memory mainly carried me there, turning when I needed to and stopping only when I really had to.

Getting home, that amped feeling rapidly ran dry. I guess I felt relatively safe being back in an almost nostalgic home. I shuffled through the house senselessly. Falling onto my own bed, it felt warm even though it was ice cold. Cocooning myself up, swaddled with blankets, exhaustion took me. By the time I awoke, I felt like I'd been I a coma for years.


However, even a coma would have ended with the pounding on my door. Bleary eyed and dry mouthed, I entered the world in a tilt-a-whirl. Maybe I was more drunk than I'd thought last night because this was one hell of a hangover.

My phone, still in my jacket pocket, buzzed. I checked to see a number of notifications, all from Ae Ri. Most were apologetic but a few were angry. A second round of fist on door made me jump. Dropping the phone on the bed, I slipped through my apartment, trying to be silent. I knew who was on the other side of the door but I looked through the peephole anyway.

My stomach sank deeper when I saw her. Ae Ri was stood on the opposite side, hair a mess, make up smeared and running from tears and wearing a random assortment of clothes. A far cry from her usual look. Had she gotten in a taxi looking like that? I couldn't fathom her pride allowing her to do that. Even so, fuck that. Edging away from the door, I moved to hide somewhere and wait this out.

"Please open the door, Paul." I skipped a few heartbeats when I heard the muffled voice. How had she known I was there? "Paul. I just... I really need to see you." I hesitated. "I saw your shadow over the peephole, I know you're there." Great.

I was still half clothed in a torn suit, aching and probably bruised. Fuck it, she might as well see her drunken handiwork. Turning the key I'd left in the lock, there was a click and, cautiously, I opened the door. Her huge mocha eyes swelled up, bigger and watery, lip visibly quaking. "What?" I asked with a surprising rasp.

She took a single step into the house and locked herself around me with a hug. Sobbing into my chest, she leaned against me. Just like yesterday, her weight wasn't controlled, but this time it wasn't intimidating. It was vulnerable and broken. The icicles frozen around my heart began to thaw. I closed the door and hugged her back.

We talked for a long time after that and, later, with a lot of discussion, the situation was somewhat diffused. And we agreed on a safeword. Tangerines.

Still, with Ae Ri back at work and me staying at my place again, it felt like a rift had opened up between us. The feeling of that night was unshakeable. I understood why and how it had happened but it was just... Depressing. And it underlined a truth that I couldn't handle. Gradually, the light at the end of the tunnel faded, clouded by self loathing and doubts. I began to believe I'd never get my strength back. I'd never get away from being a lamppost of a person. Nothing I did mattered. I didn't go to the gym with Ae Ri anymore, the willpower fading. Still guilty about what had happened, she didn't push me to go. She just comforted me as best she could. I sympathised with her though. It must be difficult trying everything to prop someone up and yet they always seemed to fall back down.

Compounding that darkness, my savings had taken a massive hit with the height transfers and all of our lavish, extravagant dates too. So financial crisis weighed on my shoulders, heavy enough for me to feel like Atlas being crushed by the sky.

Putting on a strong visage, I tried to stay positive. For the most part it worked. Ae Ri could tell something was up but I didn't tell her about my money issues even with her being so obviously ready to nurse my battered psyche. I couldn't. Because thoughts lingered in the back of my mind, telling me not to. She'd acted so... So insidiously multiple times now. I was starting to question who she really was. The happy go lucky clutz I'd fallen for had a dark streak. Angry and vengeful and power hungry. It scared me. Not worried, scared. What was she really capable of? Had she always been like this or had she become drunk with size? Had I empowered a monster or had my angelic girlfriend been corrupted by physical power?

Almost two whole weeks passed with me like this. Sleepless, haggard, tired. I'd lost more weight, my performance at work had dipped and, feeling suffocated by life, I did my best to keep pushing on. But nothing seemed to be working. I'd spiralled harder and harder and harder, hating myself with every plummeting drop.

Until one day, with one statement, I hit rock bottom.


"Don't forget, we have to go in for the next transfer on Saturday." Ae Ri said, picking at her food, my depression seeping into her mood too.

A shroud of ice dropped my temperature, a pallid colour taking over my face as the blood drained away. I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I... I don't want to, um, do the transfer."

Silence rang loud in my ears.

A half dozen blinks from her chocolate eyes passed. "What? Paul, what do you mean?"

"I don't want to go back there. I don't want to donate more size."

A shell shocked expression stayed on her face. "Wha... What do you mean?" She asked again before switching questions. "Is this because of what happened? I - I told you I was sorry. We made a safe word and everything and... And... You can't just... You're gonna be fined. You can't just not do the transfer."

"Then I'll just pay the fine." I said, knowing that any fine would be leaving almost destitute. I couldn't face going back in there. "A-and it isn't about what happened. I've been feeling this way before that."

Ae Ri put her fork down now. "What is this about? What do you mean you've felt this way for a while?"

"I can't, Ri." I finally began to open up some of the pent up worries. "I can't go back in there and lose even more muscle and even more weight." I stared at my mostly empty plate. "I can't eat and I can't gain it back and I won't let them take any more. They don't even know why it happened!"

"Babe, if you're that worried about it why didn't you say something before? Have you even checked in with them to see if they've figured something out?"

"No. No I haven't. But why should I have to? If they figured it out they should be the ones calling me."

"Paul, this is a really bad idea. You can't do this so last minute. You can't break the contract, you -"

"I've made up my mind. I'm not going back in there." My temper flared. "The whole fucking point of this was to stop being some skinny, lanky fuck. And guess what? I still am! I still am and now I'm 5'10 instead of 6'5! Now I get beat up in the gym and overpowered by my f-" I stopped myself there. But from her expression, I knew it was too late.

"So this is about me, huh?" There was a smouldering fire in Ae Ri's eyes.

"No... I... Yeah, it is but it isn't j-"

"What, you're mad this little girl can out lift you? How fucking fragile is your ego? Big strong man can't ha-"

"Ego?! Are you fucking kidding me? Out of the two of us, you're the one with the fucking EGO! What was all that shit that you were saying to me back then?! If I didn't stop you how far were you going to push it?!" Whisps of rage were coming off of her. It wasn't just anger though. The frown on her face, the look in her eyes. I could palpably feel the hurt I'd just inflicted.

The cutlery on the table rattled as a fist smashed down onto it, making me flinch. "I already told you I didn't fucking mean that! We talked about that. I was just drunk and teasing you and... I wouldn't... I told you I... I..." Looking away, grasping for words, for once she seemed at a loss.

"It still fucking happened! A-and I don't want to give you any more size." Even as I was saying it, I was questioning why. I'd already forgiven her for what happened. Hadn't I? Or had I just bottled it up, stoppering it with a flimsy cork that was only a few milimeteres from popping off? No, I was still angry. But that anger had nothing to do with the transfer, so why was I mashing them together? Linking them with two sentences, hardly a breath inbetween.

Ae Ri chewed her lip. Then she rocketed up. "You fucking promised me!" She yelled, stabbing a finger at the air, towards me. "You offered it. I didn't ask for it. This is bullshit. It's not fair to just go back on your word."

This outburst caught me by surprise. Very abruptly she'd moved away from legality of the transfer. So that was all just a smoke screen. "Wow, so fuck me? Fuck the guy who made a mistake and now doesn't want to keep making the mistake."

"A mistake? You... This was all a mistake!?" She gestured between us, from me to herself and back.

"Yeah, maybe it was a fucking mistake. Maybe giving you a midget any of my size was a mistake! Since you got bigger I don't even fucking recognise you anymore. You're like a cometely different person!"

Planting her palms on the table, I watched her expression darken. "You know what the mistake is? That you got to be 6'5 in the first place. You got the genetic lottery and a handful of little mean words and your bitch of a mother made you hate it. I'm doing the world a favour taking your size. You're pitiful." That last word was spat like a nail into my chest.

The things that we'd bonded over to begin with. The secrets I'd not told anyone before. All the feelings we'd shared over coffee months ago in the cozy warmth of a café. She was using all of that to crucify me, nail by nail. I stood up too now, sending the chair toppling over. "Shut up." I rumbled.

"Or what?" A sparkle in her eye gave her a manic look. She straightened up and a reminder that she was a lot more imposing than she used to be rang in my head. "What are you gonna do?" Her arms spread wide and she laughed. "What can you do?" With an almost carefree strut, she circled the table. "Come on, show me what you can muster up with your wounded, widdle male ego."

It would have been so easy to take a swing. To punch her square in the face, to let the pot boil over and to chip her bloated ego down to size. But I didn't. I refused to stoop that low. Instead, I played her game. I hit her with some emotional damage. Leaning down, I delivered a kill shot. "I'm dumping you, shrimp. We're done." In hindsight it may seem like a childish reaction, but right now it was the best feeling ever. I wanted to cut her down.

All her bravado, all the cocky arrogance, it all broke away. A mask of disbelief and shock slipped over her face - the type of shock you get when someone tells you your car has been stolen or your house has been burgled. Anger broiled under the surface of it as her brow turned into a sharp V, eyes widening. And then it exploded. Her push very nearly snatched me off of my feet as I back pedalled into a wall. "You're dumping me?!" She roared, hot on my tail. I scrambled up, scraping along the wall as I tried to create some distance. "You don't get to dump me!" A bull charging down the streets of Spain, she followed me. In my panic, I didn't know where to go and ended up stumbling through the apartment as she found things to throw at me. Anything that was mine, she threw. Books, my laptop - the keyboard smashed into a blast of keys, my clothes. Somehow I traversed the whole apartment being pelted by everything, and, peeling a t-shirt from my face, I erupted out of the door, tripping over myself in a bid to get as far as possible.

I fumbled with my keys, jangling through them until the bleep of my car's doors opening greeted my ears. Clamouring in, I smashed it into reverse. Ae Ri threw another book at the car, cracking the windshield as I sped away as fast as I could. Adrenaline thrumped through my veins and anger pulsed in my head as she dwindled in the rear view, screaming inaudible anger at me.

I drove and drove, this time completely aimless. Dust settling, eventually, the reality of what had just happened set in. This odd sense of deja vu set in. It was like the last two weeks had been a dream. A bridge between the start and end of a single argument that resulted in me in my car driving away. Driving away from the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. It was only now that I noticed the t-shirt I still had in my fist. In the chaos I'd not registered keeping it in my hand after I'd left the apartment.

Numb, I pulled into a car park. Unravelling the t-shirt in my hand my mouth opened ajar. Stretched and cracked, the words 'beast mode' looked back at me. Her lilac perfume clung to it. The scent of my ex. Ex. Was this all a mistake? Why had I said all that vile stuff at the end? Had I just ruined my life even more because of my own self-pity?

Sat behind the wheel, I shook. I cried my heart out.