“Are you recording?” 

“Yeah… just give me one second to make sure the lighting is okay…”

“Well hurry up!”

Neither man in front of her house was making too much of an effort to keep their voices down as they bickered like an old married couple. Lian glanced past her curtains to confirm her suspicions, then let out an exasperated sigh. 

It’s way too early for this bullshit. She thought and peered down the street. Some of her neighbors had taken notice of the commotion.

A few had emerged from their homes while others observed behind the windows. There was no way to tell which among them had snitched on her, but Lian surmised they would want to watch the confrontation as well.

Lian took one last bite of her late afternoon bagel, then sauntered towards the front door where the flamboyantly dressed man was just on the other side. Before he could knock, or more likely shout, she swung the door open to get a better look at the brave superhero who had come to bring her to justice and save the day.

The hero was a fairly tall, muscular man dressed in a skin tight set of bright red spandex with golden accents haphazardly hot glued to the rest of his cheaply made ensemble. Some accessories such as his shoes were not up to code it seemed, since they were normal converse sneakers and his gloves looked like they were ordinary dyed cotton or wool.

Lian crossed her arms as the superhero blinked in surprise to see her appear so suddenly. He paused for a moment, but quickly recalled that he was being recorded and there could be no second takes. Proudly he recomposed himself, placed his hands on his hips and puffed out his chest like a rooster.

He offered a dashing smile and glanced around to ensure the cameraman had a good angle, and some of the neighbors were watching as well. “So! You are the foul villain-!”

“I’m retired. Go away.” Lian cut in, then promptly slammed the door in his face. She took another bite of her sesame seed bagel and spun on her heel to return to her kitchen table. I guess the Hero Board let’s any dumbass become a vigilante if they have a dumb costume nowadays. 

Absentmindedly she began to scroll through her phone, until she heard the incessant noise at her door again. “Did she just…? Y-You will not evade me by retreating to your wicked lair!” The man blathered, and began to pound on the door once again. “Come out and fight me with what little honor you have.”

“Uhh… Should I stop recording? She just shut the door on you.”

“We can edit it in post just shut up for a second!” The hero shot back and continued to bang on the door angrily. He continued to barge on the wood repeatedly, and Lian realized he probably was not going to leave.

She switched tabs on her phone to browse the web. “Is it…. legal… to… kill an intruder…?” Lian murmured to herself as she fumbled to type the query into the search bar. 

Stupid pop-ups. No I won’t turn off my ad-blocker now just tell me what I wanna know! Lian thought and mashed the tiny exit button on the pop-up from the legal advice website. She was halfway through the blogpost when her front door was bashed open and hung by the hinges. “Hang on a moment.” Lian said disinterestedly as she checked to make sure she completely understood the article. “I want to make sure this website is credible first.”

“I have waited for long…!” The hero trailed off when he realized she had not even looked up from her phone. His left eye twitched. “Hey! Pay attention to me for fuck’s sake! What’s your problem?!”

“Dude, you literally broke into my house. What is your problem?” Lian asked and decided the website seemed pretty trustworthy, bothersome ads aside. 

He marched forward deeper into her abode, closely followed by the cameraman who struggled to get his equipment through the front door. “You are a supervillain and I am a superhero!”  The belligerent hero insisted. “We are supposed to fight before I send you to jail!”

“Yeah and I’m retired; I’m not a ‘supervillain’ anymore. So just go away… Um… Whoever you are.” Lian warned dismissively, and watched as the man’s face went as red as his spandex tights.

Now he seemed absolutely enraged. “Do… Do you not know who I am?!” He said in disbelief. 

Lian paused and stared at him intently, she scratched the side of her head as she tried to figure out if she had seen him in a comic or maybe the evening news before. “Uh… Red…?” She began and glanced at the cameraman while she spoke. 

He nodded encouragingly to her. That meant she at least had the ‘red’ part of the name down. Most superheroes were not exactly creative when it came to their names and used the color of their outfits somewhere. The cameraman mimicked some kind of explosion with his hands subtly from behind the flustered superhero.

Her eyes lit up. “Oh! You’re ‘Red Blast’ right!” She proclaimed confidently. “Yeah I’ve seen you on the news before.”

“…It’s Red Dynamite.” He clarified. 

Lian shrugged. “I mean close enough. Anyways, like I said before I’m retired and don’t do the whole evil supervillain thing anymore.” She remarked. “But if you go down the street I’m sure Mrs. Abernathy’s cat escaped again and she would probably love it if you found it for her. It’s in heat and is sort of driving the neighborhood crazy at night when it finds a stray.”

“Y-You…! Are we sure that this is the right house?!” Red Dynamite asked and turned around to face the cameraman. He gestured incredulously to Lian in disbelief. “There is no way this bitch is really the Blood Lotus.” He seethed.

Blood Lotus? Who the fuck came up with that? Lian thought and cringed at the title. Whoever did at least had not put a color into the name, but clearly had not been able to come up with anything that matched her superpower. 

It was just a very edgy name. And the ‘lotus’ part seemed to have a racial connotation as well, assuming it was because Lian was Asian-American. Not to mention Lian was pretty sure she was actually allergic to lotus flowers anyways…

She simply shrugged and wiped the crumbs off her fingers from the bagel. “Look, I have some shit to do today.” Lian mentioned. “This is my house and you two are intruders. So legally I can defend myself. Just because I’m retired doesn't mean that I’ve become a pacifist.”

“Is that a threat?”

“I mean yeah? Sort of?” Lian responded. “Why don’t you just spare yourself the trouble and leave? Consider this your last warning.” She told him directly.

Red Dynamite laughed heartily. “I have faced foes far more troublesome than you! Your words do not frighten me, scoundrel.” He insisted, and cracked his knuckles threateningly. “While it is not in my nature to hit a woman, if it is to protect the good people of this fine city then I will make an exception!” 

“Hmph. If that’s the case then take your best shot.” Lian replied, and crossed one leg over the other. 

Even though she would much rather he simply leave her alone, Lian could not quite keep the faintest trace of a smile off her face. She had forgotten that she did not completely hate her old career path, and it had been a while since she had any fun with her powers. 

With her challenge issued, Red Dynamite let out a bellowing roar, then lunged forward with his arm outstretched. His eyes were wide with a weird mixture of arrogance and glee to finally do something praiseworthy for the camera. 

Very quickly, that same expression was erased and replaced by one of utter confusion. His mighty blow had indeed struck something, but alas it was not Lian’s jaw where he had initially intended to hit. Instead his fist had connected with something soft, fuzzy, and slightly moist. 

The expansive wall of light-colored fabric gave off a rather earthy odor which stung his nose very slightly, akin to how a stuffy locker room might smell. Red Dynamite furrowed his brow and noticed that everything else had changed significantly as well. The cameraman was no longer right behind him, and the kitchen was gone too. 

Before he could contemplate where he was, an unfathomable force like the impact of a meteor into the earth crashed into the floor right next to him. Red Dynamite let out a squeal of fear and lost his balance, then tumbled to the floor haplessly. A thunderous giggle like the rolling of menacing thunder clouds shook him to the bone, and he felt his veins turn to ice. 

Slowly he realized what had happened, and Red Dynamite looked up at the stretch of fabric which he now realized was the supervillainess’s sock. It extended for what seemed like dozens of feet into the air, and led to a stretch of impressively toned legs. She had placed her other foot next to him, which left the obviously outmatched ‘hero’ trapped between her feet.

Lian chuckled as she witnessed Red Dynamite’s reaction to his sudden transformation into a much less impressive two centimeters tall. “Not bad! I think I sort of felt that in my big toe.” She quipped and raised her foot over him threateningly. “But it’s my turn now, right?”

“W-Wait! I’m sorry!” Red Dynamite begged as her foot descended. His pleas fell on deaf ears as he was now far too small for Lian to hear, although she could accurately guess what exactly he was trying to say. 

The superhero spun around and tried to run as fast as he could, but made it less than an inch away from his encroaching doom before it slammed into him. For a brief instant he was trapped in between the soft expanse of her sock, which was pulled taut around her meaty sole. 

Her insurmountable weight pressed Red Dynamite into the unyielding ground, where he promptly burst open like a grape. Just for good measure, and also since he had been pretty annoying, Lian ground her heel from side to side until he was properly smeared across the ground. 

Jeez. Almost felt kinda bad for the little guy at the end there. Lian thought before she turned her attention to the cameraman she had also shrunk. Unlike Red Dynamite, he had immediately made a break for the exit at a whopping couple of centimeters per second. 

Her laughter echoed across the house and broke the spirit of the cameraman, who stumbled and fell to the ground once she stood to her full menacing height and lazily walked after him. Lian got on her haunches and scrutinized him more closely.

“P-Please… I’m just an intern!” He begged as her elephantine fingers descended from the heavens and squeezed him tightly. Lian thought he fit very cutely in her platform-like palm.

The cameraman was on his knees begging for his life, but to her th sounded like faint squeaks and other nonsensical sounds. Lian scratched her chin. “Hmm… That’s a weird request.” She guffawed as he stared back at her in confusion. “I was going to let you go! But you want me to eat you? Huh. I mean… Are you sure?” 

His reaction was priceless. Lian tried her best to resist the urge to smile as the cameraman continued to scream even more loudly until his voice cracked pathetically. “Well alright! I don’t want to make you upset or anything.” She replied to his false request. “I guess I am kind of hungry, you two interrupted by breakfast.”

With that Lian opened her mouth and tossed the cameraman past her lips like he was a piece of popcorn. He slammed into her enormous, slimy tongue which quickly ensnared him in an ocean of sticky saliva. Before he could come to terms with where he was or how to possibly escape this predicament, Lian tilted her head back and swallowed him whole.

Hmm, kinda salty. I really hope he didn’t piss himself on the way down. She thought as Lian felt the gurgling in her stomach once the man was melted alive by a sea of potent acid, then turned her attention to the camera left behind on the ground. It was a pretty expensive professional quality film camera, maybe she could sell it online. 

Maybe it could cover the costs of the door she now needed to replace. Or better yet, she could ask a different hero to build a new one for her. She had nearly been the unfortunate victim of a dangerous vigilante after all.