Y’know what drives me nuts? All the hero crap strewn all over the media these days. Can’t even turn on the TV without seein’ some schmuck gettin’ a medal from the mayor for pullin’ a cat outta some tree! And what’s so great about that? Anyone can be a hero, but you know what takes some real guts to pull off?
Bein’ a villain, that’s what!
Think about it for a sec, will ya? How many of them super-zeroes can ya name off the top of your head right now? Lessee… I got Mr. Invincible, Red Atom, Blitz Ace, Sunny Girl, Flan Man, and that’s just the ones I remember seein’ on my phone within the past hour or so! All of ‘em get their own product lines, toys, TV shows, yadda, yadda, yadda. Literally half the movies that came out last year were some cape-stuff featurin’ actors playing some two-bit nobodies I’ve never heard of, but since they’re apparently some super famous losers on the opposite end of the country, they get their own freakin’ movie?! Are you kiddin’ me?! And for what? They get paid crap — if at all, especially if they’re one of them hoity-toity stick-up-their-ass types that do all this pro bono — have to be on call 24/7, and they gotta have some sorta secret identity nonsense so that the public doesn’t recognize ‘em. It’s an awful lotta work for little thanks in the end if ya ask me.
But villains? Haha! Now villains, on the other hand, are the real reason why the world keeps workin’ the way it does. What’s a hero gonna do if they don’t have a villain to plot some sorta scheme to keep ‘em busy, huh? Sit on their asses all day, that’s what. You really can’t have a true hero-based society without a few great villains to keep business goin’, if ya know what I mean. Sure, they might be painted as the “bad guys'' of the world, but when you think about it this way, they’re really the top dogs on this planet. Compared to those heroes, villains could care less about charity and all that crap. Hell, I know several baddies that banked at least a cool bil just this past year alone, and tons more that raked in the millions! And sure, a good chunk of that money definitely ain’t legit, but you really think they’re gonna give any of that back? Ha, hell no!
“Just another night on the late shift… Wait a second, did something move over there? It’s probably nothing, but I’ll check it out just in case. Probably just a rat or something. Like anyone would try and steal the Yago Compendium with how much security we’ve got around here. I really do need to bring a book or something to these shifts next time...”
And lemme put it to ya another way: villains always manage to outsmart those heroes at every turn, or at least at some point, right? I’m a bit of a sucker for all those old cartoons and movies myself where the villains were actually, y’know, decent bad guys, not like today where they’re mostly portrayed as bumblin’ idiots by the hero-centric media. They used to be the stars of the show! Heck, in one of my favorite TV shows, Crazy Cabbies, there was always this one old-timey villain guy who was so awesome that he coulda won any of the races he was in anytime he wanted, but he purposely stopped miles ahead of everyone else just to set up traps and mess with all the rest of the heroic slowpokes. But the one time he actually wants to win a race, they called him out on a technicality?! Bad guys can’t catch a break! The heroes always get duped into falling for some sorta trap or scheme, and sure they might end up gettin’ out of it in the end, but they fell for it in the first place, right? Exactly what I’m sayin’ here! If ya ask me, villains should be left to run things since they usually end up bein’ able to predict any sortsa problems before they happen. Sure, they might not have the best plans when it comes to rulin’ over something, but you name one person on this planet who really made history with their Plan A? Go ahead, I’ll wait… Heh, couldn’t think of one, could ya? Meanwhile, heroes are the ones tearin’ down world orders and all that, puttin’ good folks into harm’s way by toppling power structures before they even had a chance to refine ‘em. Just really pisses me off when I think of just how much things have flipped over the years towards all this hero bias…
“H-Hello? Is someone there? There’s no way someone would actually have managed to make it all the way up here and dodged all the security on all the other floors on top of it…”
On top of that, villains are waaaaay more recognizable than most heroes. There might be thousands of “literal who?”-tier heroes out there, but you get yourself a great villain and suddenly everyone knows their name. ‘Course ya gotta get yourself a catchy name on top of it, and sometimes that ain’t necessarily easy.
“Holy crap, it’s Rebound! I repeat, Rebound has infiltrated the building! All units, we are under attack! Opening fire immediately! Permission to use lethal force?”
“This is Brigade Leader: permission to use lethal force is granted! Units positioned on 63rd and 65th floors, converge on the 64th floor hallway at once with weapons drawn!”
See? Just like me, heh. Pretty great name, right? Betcha can’t guess what my superpower is, huh? Well, I’ve actually got a bunch of ‘em, unlike some of those lamer villains like Techs Mechs that just rely on their wealth and gadgets to do the trick for ‘em. I mean, sure, the guy’s some sorta super-wealthy Mexican attorney or somethin’ that also happens to be really into tech on the side, and yeah, he was voted Villain of the Year by Villain’s Weekly two times in a row, but the guy just goes around committing crimes in some high-tech power suit. Don’t get me wrong or nothin’, the guy’s one of my villainy idols and all, but I kinda like my villains to have some old-school superpowers, y’know? Anyways, like I was sayin’, my superpower is…
“This is Central Command to all ground units: what the hell’s wrong with all of you?! Didn’t you just say it’s Rebound? Stop firing this instant! You know what’s going to happen if you hit her, right? Grrr… Damn, she’s already at least ten feet tall from what we can see on cams. Stay away from the windows! You know she’s going to crash right through them!”
That’s right, I call it the “Rebound Effect”. Ain’t nothin’ like it in the world, and I’ve never even seen it in the movies or anything, but damn if it isn’t awesome! There’s probably a whole lotta science mumbo jumbo behind how it all works, but hell if I know the ins and outs of it all. Basically, fighting back against me causes me to get bigger ‘n better on the spot, or what I’ve come to call my own personal “rebound”. The more ya give, the more I bounce back, and based on how long I’ve been at this villain game, there ain’t no limit as to how much stronger I can get. Not to brag or anything, but I’m pret-ty sure I’m the greatest supervillain in the history of ever, heh.
Now, I know what you’re thinkin’: “Hey Rebound, if you’ve been doing this for a while, shouldn’t you have outgrown the planet by now?” Well, first of all, I have, more times than I can count, and second, that’s where all my other powers come in handy. See, in addition to my Rebound Effect, I can also shrink back down to normal whenever I want and store up all my accumulated size and strength into my own internal “bank” of sorts to grow as much as I want, whenever I want. And the best part? There ain’t no interest or fees on making a withdrawal! Unlike my own bank, which I really need to switch over from sometime. Can you believe they charge you eighty cents for making a freakin’ withdrawal? I just needed a couple bucks the other day to grab a hot dog from a food truck, and all of a sudden I’m hit with a fee to my account balance? Talk about the real villains of the world, am I right? Well, anyways, I’m gettin’ sidetracked…
So after I get really huge, there’s usually a heckuva lotta damage from the fights that always break out afterwards. I mean, I’ve decimated banks, galleries, super-secret tech outlets — you name it — and the fighting spills onto the streets roughly 85% of the time, if I had to make an estimate. I usually try to make a quick in-’n-out getaway, but there’s always one guy, and I mean one real jerk, that always tries to put a bullet in me just as I’m about to go full stealth escape. You probably know the type: some rookie who’s still in his first few weeks on the job, working a post he hates but somehow has a real itchy trigger finger, and suddenly wants to prove himself to get outta his gig and get a promotion to a better shift. Yep, those guys. And they’re all named Rob too! If your mother named you Rob and you’re a security guard, you’re automatically a douchebag by default from my experience. The irony of their name is… Well, anyways, so like I was sayin’, since I always end up fighting some guards, armed forces, heroes, and the occasional cosmic savior or two, I always end up doing some major damage to the Earth. Now I’m not talkin’ a busted building or two, but “my enormous boobs flattened the Himalayas” and “Paris looks a lot better in the shape of my sole” levels of damage here on a regular basis. As much as I’d love to keep it all as it becomes — and I really mean it since seein’ your footprint where a major city used to be from outer space is waaaaaaaaay better than what was there before — the planet would’ve been destroyed a loooooooooooooong time ago, there wouldn’t be a whole lotta other people around, and to top it all off, how else would I accomplish my dream of getting my own animated TV show if there wasn’t anyone around to, y’know, animate it?! Luckily for me, I’ve got another amazing power that lets me restore anything to its former state — buildings, planets, universes, people, etcetera — whenever the heck I want, and man, if I didn’t, life would be a lot more boring than it is now. On top of it all, I can even choose if people retain memories of what I did before the restoration, and usually I let ‘em keep ‘em because who wouldn’t want to remember my awesomeness, right? Nobody, that’s who!
“Bravo Team, she’s leapt from the northern windows on the 64th floor and is rapidly heading in your direction. Be on the lookout for any associates and prepare to strike before she can land. Make sure to watch out for falling shards of glass down there.”
“But sir, if she lands from that height, doesn’t that mean she’ll-”
“I know, dammit! That’s why you need to make sure she doesn’t make a crash landing or we’ll have a real giant problem on our hands!”
And that’s another thing I hate about heroes: they’re always goin’ it alone or teamin’ up with a buddy only outta desperation to end up callin’ for backup in the end anyways. Hey losers, maybe take a hint from the villain community and get yourself some lackeys, huh? Speakin’ of which though, I dunno why, but people always think I’ve got some sorta goon squad lined up to help me out with heists and stuff, and by “people” I mean good guys in general that don’t have a brain in their head. I go it alone from the plannin’ to the execution, and it’s always worked out for me in the end. I mean, sure, I’ve gotten a buncha team-up offers from the League of Villains, Baddies ‘R We, DOOM Slayers Anonymous, and a few other villain organizations, but it’s always an “Oh, you have to give us 15% of whatever you steal, and in exchange, you get this crummy membership card and a $5 gift certificate to Hot Topic” sorta bullcrap in the end. No thanks, I’ll pass. Sure, they always have some dumb idiot standard goons as a perk, but… Well, I dunno, just never really been my thing.
Now I ain’t sayin’ I’d never do some temp team-ups or somethin’, but that long-term stuff just isn’t my style. You gotta have the right villain vibes and stuff in my opinion to make that work. Take for instance that Punmeister the Celtic Gentleman guy over in the UK: the guy’s been terrorizing Ireland, Scotland, and England with pun-based riddles and schemes for a few years now. He’s got himself an army of loyal baddies to help carry out his schemes, and he’s even got his own archenemy in that Dapper Knight that fights off baddies in a suit while using a buncha weird gadgets. On top of it all, he’s got his own right-hand personal maid, Chimera, who’s a real force to be reckoned with. Only met her once myself at a villains’ conference, but I hear she’s as loyal as you can get, and lemme tell ya, I’d hate to cross her. She’s got your standard acrobatic reflexes and a maid background, but her main gimmick is this strange piece of alien tech she picked up some time ago that lets her mess around with anyone she uses it on, including herself. I dunno what exactly it can do myself, but she wields that thing like nobody’s business. I heard she just shrinks down some lackeys for fun sometimes or grows herself with that trigger finger of hers, and I’m pret-ty sure there’s a lost hero or two climbin’ around on her nylons somewhere, but hell if I’m gonna find out that answer. Point being that it works for them, not for me.
“Oh crap! She just took all those shots like they were nothing, and she just slammed into the pavement without trying to break her fall. Oh no… Ohhhhh no! Commander, we have a major problem down here! She’s… S-She’s growing rapidly! Dear god, she must already be 200 feet tall and climbing! Everyone get back now!”
Did I also mention I’m one of those rough ‘n tumble types too? I’ve gotta whole messa nice passive perks on top of my main powers that make me even more amazing! Super strength? Check. Healing factor? Check… Well, it’s pretty minor at least. Pain immunity that gets stronger the bigger I get? That’s a big check right there. Magic resistance? Hell if I know why, but these tattoos on my body reflect most magics from those punk-ass spell-slingin’ heroes right back at ‘em, and the stronger spells barely even hurt at all. Immortality? Well, at least I think I got that seein’ as how I’ve survived in space a buncha times without needin’ ta breathe or nothin’, and I don’t really need to eat or sleep like all the normies do, so I’d say that’s a safe bet. I probably have a buncha other passives I don’t even know about too if I had ta guess! For instance, I know I ain’t got super speed, but gimme a second or two to put a lotta my super strength into my feet and I could definitely give Johnny Fasto a run for his money. Well, maybe for a few seconds or somethin’. Hey, I ain’t, uh, what’s that word again? Y’know, the one that means “all powerful” or somehin’? Meh, screw it. I’ll just look it up when I get back home.
“What the hell did I tell you idiots?! She’s a goddamn monster of a woman! Grrr… Dropping from this height and gaining all that momentum on the way down to accelerate her fall and amplify the damage she’d receive… That bitch knows exactly what she’s doing. That little stunt would’ve killed almost anyone but her. We’ll be lucky if she settles down at just over a mile tall by the time she’s done adjusting. Pull as many of your men out of there as quickly as possible! I don’t care what you have to do, but she cannot escape with that data no matter what the cost! Delta Team, permission to scramble. They said I was crazy to have airborne units on alert 24/7, but I knew this exact situation would happen one of these days!”
Oof, that’s gonna leave a heckuva mark. Probably toppled a few buildings downtown from those residual shockwaves. Meh, I’ll just restore stuff afterwards like usual.
“They couldn’t’ve given us an easier mark. Fox, Tiger, Zebra, Linx, all lock on to the target and aim your missiles at her abdomen and upper thighs for optimal damage. Launching the first barrage now…”
Heh, they never learn, do they? In case ya didn’t notice, I’m kinda in the middle of a thing here…
“Jesus Christ, she didn’t even flinch! All we managed to do was make her even bigger!”
“Fox, calm yourself down! You’re getting too close to the target. Pull out now before-”
“AHHHHHHHH!”
Huh. Coulda sworn I felt somethin’ just now on my stomach, but I ain’t seein’ nothin’ other than a news copter hovering around here. Wonder if any of my henchies are streaming this right now? Oh right, I forgot to mention the henchies, didn’t I? They’re members of the Rebound Army, my loyal fan club, but I just call ‘em “henchies” for short. Easier to say and all. The more heists I pull off, the more henchies I get, and I can tell I’m gonna get plenty of accidental exposure tonight already.
“Crap! Did you see that?! She just started bending over slightly and crunched Fox between her abs like it was nothing! I don’t even think she realized she killed him! We’re probably even less than flies to her right now!”
“Calm down, Delta Team! We’re gonna go for a second run and get her attention this time. We just need to hold out for a little longer until the heroes get here to take her down.”
“But sir, why can’t we just let her get away?”
“We’ve got our orders, Zebra. This is the life we chose, and I intend on living it until the very end, even if we’ll ultimately owe our lives to this giant monster reviving us and most of this city at the same time. Put your pride on the line and give it your all until your very last breath!”
“Yes sir!”
Damn, I’m startin’ to get pretty huge now. Won’t be much longer before my boots end up bulldozing into the next town at this rate, heh. Nothin’ a hard reset to the world can't fix later though.
Anyways, I think I’ve still got a few hours to kill ‘til the latest patch of Eternal Army 3: Supe Battlefield comes out, so might as well have a little fun before then. Actually, I was thinkin’ tonight would be a Bright Swords night, but either way, kickin’ some ass online is gonna happen regardless. Guess that’s all for now, future henchie. This is your favorite villain, Rebound, signin’ off. Catch ya on the flip side!
From high above the city’s skyline, the towering supervillainess known as Rebound stretched her stance wide before gently lowering herself a relative few inches off of the ground while maintaining her footing, a distance of roughly a few hundred feet to the current five mile titaness. Clad in her typical costume of a sterling white set of revealing armor that exposed a large amount of her smooth, chocolate skin, the woman was a true sight to behold, a goddess of beauty and brawn that no mortal man could truly resist, despite her ultimately evil nature. From the top of her figure, Rebound was blessed with a faded ivory mane that barely touched her shoulders, accompanied by a pair of piercing sapphire eyes that stared daggers into anyone or anything her gaze fell upon, whether intentional or not. In one of several anomalies to her anatomy, a strange set of additional bunny-like ears protruded horizontally from the top of her skull, most likely attributing to an enhanced sense of hearing, though their true functional purpose, if any, has yet to be discovered. A massive pair of bulging breasts were kept taut by her attire, easily DD-cups if not larger, followed by a set of perfectly-chiseled abs lining her torso, a natural testament to her superior strength and finesse. While Rebound’s arms appeared to be normal in nature, there was clear evidence they were secretly powerhouses in their own right if she ever chose to flex them: her own thigh and leg muscles, while seemingly thick and toned by their outward appearance, would noticeably flex on occasions like these, showing off their incredible hidden muscularity and a snippet of her true potential. All of this culminated into a pair of large, armor-clad feet that are often a luxury on capers, as Rebound is usually known to go barefoot as her usual modus operandi and stomp her opponents directly underfoot as an extra humiliation factor. Finally, the villain’s most unique aspect of her being was that she was covered in bright red tribal tattoos across random parts of her body, most notably on her left bicep and stomach; while the true nature of these patterns are unknown, it is highly postulated that they are birthmarks, magic-resisting markings that seem to be a mixture of physical and ethereal compositions. This monolithic, gorgeous ne’er-do-well is none other than Rebecca Darkhound, known across the globe as the world’s greatest supervillain, Rebound, albeit a rather lazy and overly cocky one at that.
“Seriously? That’s all ya got?” the haughty villain taunted, flashing a smug grin at all the mobilized forces littered on the ground below her still trying to prevent her escape. From her viewpoint, an idle glance of the area allowed her to spy numerous special ops soldiers on the ground, several snipers on rooftops trying their best not to be seen, as well as a few fighter planes scurrying about beneath her notice, though she chose to purposefully ignore the latter two groups on a mere whim. “Hah! For a toy-lookin’ buncha misfits, you guys certainly are a bore. Barely even ticklin’ me,” she continued, letting out a mild tut of disdain. “Oh well. Not like I was plannin’ to go easy on any of you in the first place anyways after one of your guys decided to put a bullet in my ass and get this ball rolling. It’s good ta know I can get as rough as I want and know nothin’ of value’s gonna be lost if I end up breaking such shoddy lil’ playthings.”
Extending her right arm in front of her, Rebound reached down towards a thirty-story skyscraper, eagerly curling her gloved, armored fingertips in anticipation of the excitement to be had with all the numerous forces of good surrounding her and their guaranteed reinforcements to come.
“Alright then, time to have a little fun!”