The bag suddenly opens like some clouds from the sky have escaped, and without much ado, a slender, well-manicured hand comes out of the sky to grab me. Sorry, failed to mention that its length is twice my height. Details.
"Let me guess...tough day?" I ask, trying to be somewhat diplomatic. Little Katie wouldn't try to hurt me, but better safe then sorry, right?
"When it isn't a hard one, Scott? Over and over I have to pose for hundreds of photos in a beach, a house, an office, even in a space station dammit! Next time, don't be surprised if they ask me to be covered in hay and go to a barn for a shoot!"
Uh oh. Time for Little Helper Scottie to...you guessed it, help.
"You are right sunshine, but that is on the job description, right? You are supposed to do whatever the fuckin' photographer wants you to. And besides, these genes don't come easy, sweetie. You're lucky, and you know that."
"Lucky for what? That half..."
"Ahem."
"OK, MORE than half of the Earth's male population hears the name "Kate Upton" and almost instantly get off? I get treated like a workhorse or worse by most men I've been working with, like a piece of fucking meat! There has been a long time since I've seen a man look me right in my face and not right in my boobs!"
"...not me, for one." Play it safe, man. Play it safe.
"You look straight to my ankles, darling. And now that I remembered, I wonder why you haven't done anything. I mean...you have been living with me for the past 10 months and you haven't done a single advance on me!"
Ouch."Considering the fact that I'm around 6 inches tall yet?"
"No...just carefully stepping right over it." Literally, I might add.
"Well...as you have tried to...step right over it(sic), let me remind you that I'm the same height as your ankles, and I have trouble doing the vast majority of household things by myself. You chose to bring me here, but I don't feel any better by having you carry me to whenever I want to go!"
"Well..." she counters, and when doing so she leans to the dresser I stand on, putting her(cave like, might I add) cleavage right in front of my vision. "last time I checked, your brain capabilities hadn't shrunk. Or your hormones, for that matter."
Pause the film. Cut. Just to take things into consideration, the most gorgeous girl in the world, in a absolutely titanic size, tries to flirt with a man the size of her finger. Excuse me, but my brain has trouble processing all that information.
Back to the story however, now's the good part.
"That doesn't make any sense Kate, and you know that!" Drama classes. Always remember your drama classes, Scottie.
"Ohhh..NOW I get it!" Shit."Maybe you, y'know...swing the other way? If that's the case, I've got some guy friends that would like..."
WAIT. WHAT? "Nooooo, no, no, NO. I am perfectly straight last time I checked, thank you very much!" Damn this girl.
"Then we get back to my point! Maybe you don't like blondes, or you want girls with breastplates or...I don't know."
Ok, time to face the music now.
"It's not that...just...it would not work and we both know that. You have a big reputation to hold, and having a smurf for a boyfriend would end your career."
"You are soooo wrong, you know that? All the men I've been with my size have only hurt me and pain me and in one instance rape me! And look at J-Law and Mark, or Ariana and Jacob! They surely had the same doubts as YOU do right now, but they decided to give it a shot and look where they are now!"
Maybe she's right...maybe I just let my insecurities hold me back...
"You have a point there Katie, but you know that if it doesn't work out...I'll have nowhere to live."
"Well, my dear Scott, if it doesn't work out, you still will be my best and most dear friend."
"OK...so that makes us..." I don't know nothing right now.
"We'll see", she says grinning, and before I am aware, I get scooped up by two gigantic hands that bring me closer to her billboard-sized face. I then close my eyes and prepare for the blow, as her plush lips come closer, and closer, and...you get the drill.
To be honest, being kissed by an 200 foot woman is a mix between getting stuck between two huge vents and getting pressed into the comfiest pillows ever. I know that it's more cliche'd than superhero movies, but it felt like a lifetime, even if it lasted only a couple of seconds.
"Reconsidering now your options, Mr. Harper?" she asks with a playful glint in her brown eyes.
And of course, my brain decides it's bye-bye time and I'm left completely speechless.
"Uh...dunno." How charming, I know.
"I'd truly love to stay here and do...things with you buuut...I've got some shopping to do."
I nod and almost mechanically get in position to get into her purse, but the almighty hand that usually gets me inside it's not coming.
"Please tell me that you want to go in there?" she asks accusingly. "The boyfriend of Kate frickin' Upton won't get into a purse like a regular shrinkie!" And while saying that, I see her readjusting her bra and looking at me with a sly smile.
You know what? I think that shopping is my favorite activity from now. Well...almost favorite.

I open my eyes and groggily stare at the large alarm to my right. If my calculations were correct (hint: They always are), I had around half an hour before the larger-than-life young woman that was quietly sleeping next to me would wake up, unmistakably causing me to do so as well.
Never the less, I decided to pass the time doing one of my favourite expeditions: climbing "Mount Ari", as I like to call her, much to her dismay.
Since I was sleeping at the bottom of her bed(due to her request in order to "ensure my safety") it was very easy to start from her feet. Thank God she's not tickly, as that could prove to be an unsolvable problem, her being barefoot and such. Moving on, I can see the twin hills of her butt rise before me. She was wearing some very light PJ's, and as such I could easily notice her behind(hell, her whole body) was steadingly rising up and down, up and down, almost hypnotically. This fact, combined with the softness of her butt made me to forget about my "climbing" and just lay down for a second. Or two. Or a whole minute, perhaps. But it remained just a... proposition , as the mere thought of sleeping on her bubbly behind was...kinda pervertish, if you ask me. Plus, when the inevitable happens and she rolls over...good luck on recognising my dead body. Her sitting on me was not checked on my "to-do" list, actually.
Moving forward, this was probably the easiest part of the schedule, as there was a relatively flat expanse in front of me, namely her back. (Funny thing it is, some basic parts of the human body are becoming entire regions when you're 6 in. tall. Hell...that's life for me.)
I decided then to break into an extenaive, flat-out sprint. I wasn't Usain Bolt in that aspect, mind you, but I wasn't a slouch either. Class of 10' Track Team for the win, man. It was going all well and the finish line(the backside of her neck) was nearby...until I tripped on her bra strap and fell rather unceremoniously, if you ask me. Baring this setback(and being glad that no human eye saw that. Reputations to keep, man.) I finally was in front of her neck. Thankfully she slept today with her hair all laid free, so I wouldn't have to do some fancy gymnastics work to get on her ponytail. From there it was a relatively short walk to the top of her head. I thought it was time for a little...motivating speech right there. Yeah.
"Since the dawn of time, man has tried to break free from his limitations, and reach places seemingly unreachable. T'was I, today, who oftered a small pebble into that cause, for I climbed one of the most...why is the mountain shaking?"
An instictive glance on the clock told me that I SHOULD have 12 minutes left...but I didn't had the mind to try and think about that right now.
"As the captain of this ship, I shall be the last to abandon it, and do my du..."
Some friendly advice from your 6 inches pal over here: Falling down face first into a pillow is not as harm-free as it sounds. Tested and legit.
When I turned around, still lightly dazed by my fall, I saw a quite sleepy but very amused Ariana Grande looking down at me.
"Maybe you need to cut down on these speeches, Marco Polo."
"Hah hah. Very funny. Any other world saving tips from your greatness?"
"Watch where you stand, love."
Remember what I was saying earlier about worrying not to get under Ariana's cute lil' ass? Well, be careful what you wish for, y'know, cause it can very easily come back and hunt you...god she's heavy. *grunts*

"Are you sure that we should go through with this, Peeta?"
"We don't have another option, Katniss. What we should do..."
"CUT! Dammit Mark, what the hell? It was going so well until your ugly face appeared! Show some heart, my boy! Break! Back in 15!"
Ouch. Michael Bay is not the most patient director, but now he's really getting on my nerves.
See, we are filming an...adaption of Hunger Games, only that half the contestants are tiny. Michael insisted.
And while I was a small actor before, now this movie will get me on the A-list! (To be honest, I only took the job because my equal parts intelligent and beautiful girlfriend is pretty much the centerpiece for this whole franchise, so...)
"Thinking again, squirt?" (Oh, how I love that nickname), she said, as she had quietly been standing above me all this time.
"You know that you might disfunction and burn something, don't cha?" she asked with a gleeful smirk , while chewing a gum for "relaxation purposes", as she usually says.
"My dear Jenny" I started knowing well that she loathed being called that, "I'm sure that you've heard about dirty talk being the...spice to a struggling relationship, haven't you? And so, as I was thinking, maybe we..."
"WAIT A SECOND MISTER! ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT YOU WANT TO BREAK UP WITH ME?"
I smirked. Revenge was a dish better oftered...small, after all.
"No, Jenny. Just a friendly reminder, though, that I get to pick every movie or series we get to watch for the rest of this month, and I'm sure that you can't get enough of Hoosiers!" I said, all the while watching my beloved's expression change from a angsty to a confused and finally back to a deflated one as the sad reality finally registered to her, that she had lost yet another of the bets she so loved to place.
"Whatever God took from you in size, he most certainly gave it back to you in wit. I'm sure of that."
"Sexyness too, don't forget." Oh, the irony.
And of course, this not-so-well-thought comment earned me a halfhearted flick in my face, which actually felt like more of a slap to me.
"BACK IN FIVE!" Michael's voice rang throughout the studio. I hate this prick.
"Anyway, Romeo, have to go and change for the next scene. Don't get lost, please."
"Wait, oh fair maiden! Won't I get a kiss as a reprize for the earlier slap?" Fair enough, right?
"First of all, it was a flick. And in case you have forgotten, which I'm totally sure you do, the scene where we make out and shit is right up ahead. You won't keep a lady waiting, right? Adios, mon amour!"
And with a mock curtsy, she went backstage to change, giving me a good chance to actually reflect on our relationship for once.
You see...we are not a match made in heaven, for sure. I was a small(both in size and in fame) actor starring on mostly indie or B-movies. But somehow I was invited to the Oscars as a representative of the "physically impared", commonly named as shrinkies. I was actually assigned to the same table with Jennifer at the afterparty, and seeing that everybody was either drunk or laid(man, the things I saw in there were enough to keep me away from gossip for a lifetime), she started talking to me. One thing led to another, and before you'd know...we were somewhere in downtown L.A, me naked on a pillow and Jennifer vomiting in the toilet and generally going through the phases of that wonderful thing called hangover. Once we were both somewhat sober, we started wandering what the fuck happened last night. As it turned out, nothing that was NSFW, just us sitting on a bed and saying corny jokes and random facts about our lives. Did you know that she was a Louisville fan? I didn't.
While the sensible thing would've been to bribe me and never talk to anyone, we somehow kept contact and gradually built our relationship away from the spotlight...until a son of a bitch from TMZ filmed us making out and uploaded it on YouTube.
The rest, as they say, is history.
Back to the present though, Michael Bay is signaling for us to get back into position. It's showtime, everybody!
Nontheless, when I see Jeniffer...woah. Aside from the fact that she's like an ancient statue in height, she seems beautiful to me even though she's caked in mud. We're on the 74th Hunger Games, remember?
"You better close your mouth or you gonna catch some flies, bro." she says while extending a hand in order to carry me back to the scene, although...I can see her lightly blushing under the heavy makeup.
I climb atop her quite steady hand and we're off to the filming spot.
*A couple of minutes later*
"Katniss...what if we die here?" I say, as explosions can be heard on the background. This is a Michael Bay film, after all.
"No, Peeta, we won't. Just...just be calm, ok? And know that I love you, no matter what happens today." As she says that, I can see her whole face coming closer to me until I'm all but engulfed by her lips.
To be honest, it was supposed to last just a couple of seconds(precious screen time, anyone?), buuuut, let's just say it went on for quite some time...
Have you ever felt...a connection with your beloved? A silent understanding that both of you are thinking the same thing? Well...that happened today, as her clear blue eyes were focused on me, and I could see...adorement in them? This was not an act, for one.
"CUT! CUUUUT! WHAT THE FUCK! THIS ISN'T A GODDAMN PORN! WE ARE MAKING ART PEOPLE! GET ON WITH THE PLAN, DAMMIT!"
"Are you done?" Jennifer/Katniss asked, and I could see the wheels turning on her head.
"YES!"
"OK. Well...FUCK YOU!" And with that beautiful phrase, we both strode out of the studios while everyone(crew, cameramen, actors, Michael Bay himself) was too stunned to even move.
"Jennifer...about what happened there..." I started, not being sure what she thought.
"What? I just saw two young people madly in love with each other. And by the way, I do." Wait...what? WHAT?
" I don't remember giving you a marriage proposal. Or a ring, for that matter."
"Oh, I know. Just because...you know, it'll be a nuicance to buy a ring, much less carry it...I just accepted." Okay...I guess.
"And don't forget", she said as we stepped onto the car, " there won't be an obnoxious director to interupt us in my house" Okay, okay, I couldn't hide my grin. Happy now?
"I know, but you need to take a shower first, right?"
"Oh I know...and you'll get to be a special guest! Fasten your seatbelt, honey."
Oh...this is the good life, as Yeezy says. The goooood life.

There are many ways to wake up. Some people are waking up at 6 am. in order to catch the bus and start another workshift. Others wake up at 7:45, in a hurry to get on their 8 to 6 jobs. As for me...well, I have the privlege to wake up any time I want, next to the most gorgeous girl in the world. Or to be honest, any time she wants. Minor details, I guess.
"WAKE UP, YOU LAZY BIRTHDAY BOY!"
Now, now. It's one thing to wake up with someone shouting in your ear, and another when said someone is the size of an aircraft.
"You know, there are better ways to wake someone up. Especially on their birthday." Three months into our relationship and she still amazes me.
"BUT IT'S YOUR FIRST!" *kiss* "BIRTHDAY!" *kiss* "WITH!" *kiss* "ME!" *loooong kiss*
Being really dazed after this whole ordeal, I didn't have to say anything at all. In fact, her playful smirk said everything.
I took the chance to check her out,it is my right as her boyfriend after all. She was sitting on her knees in front of my sleeping form, looking like an ancient war goddess, if goddesses were that cute and wearing small pink bikinis. I highly doubt th...wait a second. BIKINI?
"Eeerm...Kate, is there something that you have been hiding to me?" She started to look a little bit worried there. Bingo!
"Huh? Well, outside the fact that it's your birthday today...no, nothing at all" *smiles*
"No...I meant, something that has something to do with how we'll be spending my birthday."
"Errr..."
"Spill it." Nontheless, I already knew what was coming.
"We...are...going...to a bitch..." What? With people? "that I rented for a whole day."
I was left speechless. "What do you mean...rented. Like, we'll be alone?"
"Last time I checked...yeah, pretty much. But if you don't like it we can always stay here and cuddle." What are you thinking, woman?
"Are you kidding me? The beach is totally fine, especially when due to my size, I'm usually not allowed in one!"
"Good...then, shall we leave?" Something on her smile made me nervous.
"Uhh...yeah, I gue..." But before I could even finish my sentence, she suddenly jumped way high. And of course, due to basic physics laws, it worked like a trampoline, throwing me several meters(to my perspective) into the air...and right onto her spacious cleavage.
"Well...I can say for sure that I didn't expect it to be so effective." she said as she was smirking down on me. "Onwards, then!"
Women. You'll never understand them.
____________________________________________________________________________

Since it was a noisy, summer-y day in LA, Kate thought that it was best to do a little publicity stunt. After all, no such thing as bad publicity, right? And was there a better thing to do than Kate freaking Upton going through LA in nothing but a tiny bikini?
Nontheless, I thankfully was completely hidden from view, buried deep into Kate's massive cleavage. I never was on good terms with paparrazi, and this fueled their.hate against Kate Upton's "boy toy", as I was deliberately called.
Nontheless...as it seems, my girlfriend thought that it would be a great idea to have breakfast. I wasn't negative to that idea, until I figured out that she wanted to have burgers. In McDonalds, of all places.
"Do you honestly think that it's a good idea? Been seen in a crowded place like this?"
"Is there something wrong with how I look? IS THERE?" God, let's try and be rational now.
"No,no,no,no,no, sweetie, not at all...just...please, just take it from the drive-thru." I could see her calming down now. Mission accomplished! *pumps fist into the air*
"Okay...since it's your birthday." *smirks* "But this also means that I could do this!" And before I can even ask, she presses her two mounds together like a sandwich, with me of course as the unfortunate victim.
"I would like a chicken burger and a large coke, please!" When did we arrive at McDonalds already?
"Uhhhh...yeah. Sure...umm..."
I could really feel for this poor lad. Being in the presence of a supermondel scandily clad is not something you do every day. Actually, from my...premier seat between her enormous breasts, I could see her smirking and generally having fun with it. "What?", she said when she noticed my glance. "A girls gotta have fun, right?" Right then, her "luxurious" breakfast arrived,
"Thanks love!" she said, all the while blowing a raspberry to this poor boy, who was seriously having trouble coping with this situation, and actually looked like he was about to pass out. I guess Kate has that effect on people...
After all these...shenanigans, we finally arrived at the beach. And what a beach it was...
Truthfully, it looked just like these perfect ones you usually find on wallpapers and postcards. Guess my Kate has some taste after all.
"Soooo? Whatcha think?" Kate said after removing me from between her breasts.
"I...I...this is beautiful. I never thought that I would do something like this on my birthday...thanks." I said, also hugging her index finger for good measure.(Girls dig that romantic stuff, right?)
"Owww!" she cooed while bringing me closer to her full lips, that inevitably engulfed me after a few moments. "To the beach, then!" she said after that long kiss. Boy, what a moment it was.
Following this great sequence of events, we decided to come down to our seats.(At long last, if you ask me.) It wasn't anything fancy or overblown, just two nice, comfy seats.
"Are you ready to spend a birthday you'll never forget?" Kate asked me, of course having that signature sly smirk of hers.
"I sure am, love. I sure am."