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The bag suddenly opens like some clouds from the sky have escaped, and without much ado, a slender, well-manicured hand comes out of the sky to grab me. Sorry, failed to mention that its length is twice my height. Details.
"Let me guess...tough day?" I ask, trying to be somewhat diplomatic. Little Katie wouldn't try to hurt me, but better safe then sorry, right?
"When it isn't a hard one, Scott? Over and over I have to pose for hundreds of photos in a beach, a house, an office, even in a space station dammit! Next time, don't be surprised if they ask me to be covered in hay and go to a barn for a shoot!"
Uh oh. Time for Little Helper Scottie to...you guessed it, help.
"You are right sunshine, but that is on the job description, right? You are supposed to do whatever the fuckin' photographer wants you to. And besides, these genes don't come easy, sweetie. You're lucky, and you know that."
"Lucky for what? That half..."
"Ahem."
"OK, MORE than half of the Earth's male population hears the name "Kate Upton" and almost instantly get off? I get treated like a workhorse or worse by most men I've been working with, like a piece of fucking meat! There has been a long time since I've seen a man look me right in my face and not right in my boobs!"
"...not me, for one." Play it safe, man. Play it safe.
"You look straight to my ankles, darling. And now that I remembered, I wonder why you haven't done anything. I mean...you have been living with me for the past 10 months and you haven't done a single advance on me!"
Ouch."Considering the fact that I'm around 6 inches tall yet?"
"No...just carefully stepping right over it." Literally, I might add.
"Well...as you have tried to...step right over it(sic), let me remind you that I'm the same height as your ankles, and I have trouble doing the vast majority of household things by myself. You chose to bring me here, but I don't feel any better by having you carry me to whenever I want to go!"
"Well..." she counters, and when doing so she leans to the dresser I stand on, putting her(cave like, might I add) cleavage right in front of my vision. "last time I checked, your brain capabilities hadn't shrunk. Or your hormones, for that matter."
Pause the film. Cut. Just to take things into consideration, the most gorgeous girl in the world, in a absolutely titanic size, tries to flirt with a man the size of her finger. Excuse me, but my brain has trouble processing all that information.
Back to the story however, now's the good part.
"That doesn't make any sense Kate, and you know that!" Drama classes. Always remember your drama classes, Scottie.
"Ohhh..NOW I get it!" Shit."Maybe you, y'know...swing the other way? If that's the case, I've got some guy friends that would like..."
WAIT. WHAT? "Nooooo, no, no, NO. I am perfectly straight last time I checked, thank you very much!" Damn this girl.
"Then we get back to my point! Maybe you don't like blondes, or you want girls with breastplates or...I don't know."
Ok, time to face the music now.
"It's not that...just...it would not work and we both know that. You have a big reputation to hold, and having a smurf for a boyfriend would end your career."
"You are soooo wrong, you know that? All the men I've been with my size have only hurt me and pain me and in one instance rape me! And look at J-Law and Mark, or Ariana and Jacob! They surely had the same doubts as YOU do right now, but they decided to give it a shot and look where they are now!"
Maybe she's right...maybe I just let my insecurities hold me back...
"You have a point there Katie, but you know that if it doesn't work out...I'll have nowhere to live."
"Well, my dear Scott, if it doesn't work out, you still will be my best and most dear friend."
"OK...so that makes us..." I don't know nothing right now.
"We'll see", she says grinning, and before I am aware, I get scooped up by two gigantic hands that bring me closer to her billboard-sized face. I then close my eyes and prepare for the blow, as her plush lips come closer, and closer, and...you get the drill.
To be honest, being kissed by an 200 foot woman is a mix between getting stuck between two huge vents and getting pressed into the comfiest pillows ever. I know that it's more cliche'd than superhero movies, but it felt like a lifetime, even if it lasted only a couple of seconds.
"Reconsidering now your options, Mr. Harper?" she asks with a playful glint in her brown eyes.
And of course, my brain decides it's bye-bye time and I'm left completely speechless.
"Uh...dunno." How charming, I know.
"I'd truly love to stay here and do...things with you buuut...I've got some shopping to do."
I nod and almost mechanically get in position to get into her purse, but the almighty hand that usually gets me inside it's not coming.
"Please tell me that you want to go in there?" she asks accusingly. "The boyfriend of Kate frickin' Upton won't get into a purse like a regular shrinkie!" And while saying that, I see her readjusting her bra and looking at me with a sly smile.
You know what? I think that shopping is my favorite activity from now. Well...almost favorite.
Chapter End Notes:
Happy new year, y'all!
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