Date: November 19 2016 1:15 PM Title: Introducing Vance
I like it! Writing skill is important, but not as important as the story itself. Your technique isn't bad and this chapter hooks the reader.
I like how you let us use our imagination. We don't know what's going on with Carly. We see her 'red' eyes and guess. Perhaps she's infected by something, or possessed. You 'show' the reader, instead of 'tell' and it makes it more immersive. We're trying to use our brains to figure out what the heck is going on, which is fun.
I'm biased because I'm also a big fan of the 'supergirl' trope (i need to find the official name for that trope...the one where the female is normal sized but physicially superior). Plus she takes control and doesn't give him a choice in the matter. Great stuff!
Thank you! That's always my goal whenever I tell a story, to let the reader work out the answers for themselves as I give them the little details here and there. I really appreciate the comment :)