Date: December 14 2015 6:38 AM Title: "Time to change"
Alright, review round two, I think this time I'll be more objective. Firstly, As with chapter 1, there is still an absence of detail, there is no description of smell, taste, touch, there is sight but it's too basic, describe the rooms/bodies to a bit more depth.
For example; the man shoving his erection into the plastic body, there could have been a better build up, maybe a description on what it's like inside of the box, the smell of plastic, the rigidity of the body, the panic or nausea that might've taken place in more descriptive detail. If it were something like "I could only see the dirt covered vinyl of the floor, the mans large hand gripped my back harshly making my body erupt in pain." it paints a slightly clearer picture in a sentence, whereas I literally cannot picture a thing in this chapter, it's too vague.
The length is arguably toshort for what is meant to be a normal story; a short story this may be fine, but it skips into too many different places and interacts with too many people to be considered a short story. In which case, you need to give some expansion to what you're trying to write, this is in my opinion, middle school writing level; which I think makes it seem even more seeming that you're not trying. If you were to again, even just expand on the details further I think the length may just barely skim being ok for what you're trying to accomplish.
Overall, maybe I'm being too harsh, and I would hope you take this with a pinch of salt like all internet criticisms should be; past that, hopefully the next chapter sees something promising.
Author's Response:
A few things. 1) I'm having to retake english for a third time I'm sorry that i'm not an A* student, 2) What the hell is middle school? and 3) I do this in free time which is not very often so I don't have time to do much for this so i'm sorry if it's rushed.