Date: September 19 2019 7:41 AM Title: Chapter 1
Really nice how she decides, firmly and with conviction, that she'll be taking ownership of him :)
Date: September 17 2019 5:48 PM Title: Chapter 1
A really nice story. I hope you add to it.
Pros: The caring interaction between the two of them. Her ownership of him in such a tender way. His acceptance and even desire to be used by her in a way that she wants, despite his feers (well, minus the panic of being swallowed and crushed by her womanhood).
Cons: Only grammatical errors. More specifically, your lack of paragraphs. Some of this can be attributed to copying and pasting your story, though you always have the preview option to check your work.
When two different characters are speaking, their comments should each merit their own paragraphs.
This may seem nitpicky, but for the reader it makes a significant difference in ease of reading and comprehension. Reread your story as it appears on this site and you will see it's one massive run on paragraph.
This is a simple grammatical presentation that you can easily fix on what is a terrific story. In other words, always remember who your audience is and what they expect and will deal with.
Please take these words as constructive, because your story is truly great and your ideas fantastic.
Author's Response: Thank you! I’ll do my best to address the things you pointed out- it’s been a while since I’ve done anything like this, and I couldn’t remember how to tab on my phone.. (That feels quite pathetic to say, but it’s the truth, so I’ll own my pathetic-ness and do my best to correct it in the future.) “Nitpicking” is good! If everyone smoothed over all the nitpick-y stuff, I wouldn’t ever realize, and would keep making the same mistakes.