Date: December 20 2020 8:39 PM Title: Introduction and lore
like where this is going cant wait for more.
Date: February 10 2020 6:25 AM Title: Chapter 1
Excellent! I look forward to seeing more.
Author's Response:
wish granted! :D
[Report This]Date: April 18 2019 5:01 AM Title: Introduction and lore
This continues to be great. I am looking forward to more. Out of every currently-ongoing story here that I have looked at, this one is the closest to the kind of story I want to read (and write).
It sounds like your main story is good too, it's too bad I wouldn't be able to read it.
I agree with what you say about NWO stories. It is a difficult balancing act to make sure that the small characters have a role in the story while making it clear they are mostly insignificant in the lives of the large characters.
If you are interested, my story "On the Cold Hillside" takes place in my own NWO-type setting, with chapter 1 from the small perspective and chapter 2 from the large.
Word choice problem in chapter 4:
"The equivalent, for a male, of a cat's spindle."
Should be "purr" instead of "spindle." (I learned something new when I looked these words up in an English/Italian dictionary...)
The other things I have noticed are mostly minor issues with consistency of verb tense and pronouns. For example shifting from past tense to present tense in the same sentence, or Pip being referred to as both 'he' and 'it' within the same sentence.
Author's Response:
Again - and sorry for the late - thank you for the review. Thanks to you I fixed the issues...
Date: March 22 2019 8:40 AM Title: Introduction and lore
Thanks for posting this. I read it on DA and wanted to leave positive feedback, but since I don't have a DA account I couldn't.
This is really well done. The main character and the world she lives in are fleshed out so that they don't revolve entirely around the size issue. It makes the size difference more affecting when it's put in context with other things going on. And the prose is consistently good; there are spots where it could use more proofreading but it never becomes distracting.
Finally, I especially appreciated this because I found it remarkably similar to a story I've been trying to write a long time…
Author's Response:
Thank you very much. In effect I think: in a NWO society in which men are a little thing (in more than one sense), why the story should revolve around them?
So I inserted Pip (or I wouldn't upload the story here :P), but a much bigger world than him runs and evolves... women smile, cry, run away and are afraid even without him.
In the main story of mine I tell from the point of view of a tiny man, so the story revolves around men... but women live their lives unaware and indifferent to those of men. In a scene, for example, a man from a tribe chases the wounded protagonist to kill him with a knife. The scene takes place in a city park. Great moment of tension, the protagonist avoids the knife as long as he can, but the attacker lands it... and just at that moment a gardener literally explodes the attacker with a lawnmower. Commenting "stupid animals... do you have to play right here?". :D
Anyway, I know I need proofreading (omg, I didn't even know that "revisione" could be translated with "proofreading"), but as I wrote... I haven't no one who can do it. So: could you tell me, if you want, where I need to improve? ^__^
Thanks again
[Report This]Date: March 21 2019 6:25 PM Title: Introduction and lore
Great start. Thanks for sharing!
Author's Response:
Thanks to you ^_^