Reviewer: selinofell197 Anonymous [Report This]
Date: February 03 2019 10:29 AM Title: Chapter 1 Shrunk

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Reviewer: Carycomic Signed [Report This]
Date: February 01 2018 8:03 AM Title: Chapter 10 Chaos

I almost hate to say it, dude. But, this story _urgently_ needs re-editing, from beginning to end! double-spacing between paragraphs. Plus, much more legible separation of narrative text from character dialogue.

Reviewer: smotherslave101 Signed [Report This]
Date: January 17 2018 3:15 PM Title: Chapter 1 Shrunk

Another amazing chapter keep up the awsome work !!

Reviewer: aknouh Signed [Report This]
Date: December 04 2017 3:26 AM Title: Chapter 5 Acceptance

keep up the good work

Reviewer: Frizzlenidifizerizid Signed [Report This]
Date: November 12 2017 11:59 PM Title: Chapter 1 Shrunk

For your first story it's not bad. I suggest taking your time in detailing his thoughts, actions, and the enviornment around him. If you had gone into more detail, you could have added a few more pages worth of words to expand on this chapter. I agree with vgiv about quotation and structure, which you really should work on.

I suggest looking up Jacksmith, and reading a few of his stories, especially 'Julia'. He is a very good example on the way you should quotation your conversations and form your sentences/indentations.

Your chapter has intrigued me, so I'll probably end up following your future chapters if they pan out :)

 

@ilikepie

I don't understand how you could be confused? The story is titled 'Lisa', thus 'Lisa' will obviously be a main component of the story... I feel that criticism is slightly ridiculous, but I suppose that is just my opinion :/

Reviewer: vgiv Signed [Report This]
Date: September 15 2017 12:49 AM Title: Chapter 1 Shrunk

Formatting definitely needs work, but you already said you were working on it so that's fine.

The firsf person perspective is difficult to pull off convincingly. A lot of people do that for their first stories, and get mixed results. You need to make the transition between thinking and physical actions more clear, and quite frankly, add in a lot more details. Be more specific, or just describe things more elaborately.

Don't make entire sentences in all caps. It looks bad and sounds bad when it is being read. Only use all caps once or twice at most, and that should be for good reason, like someone who is usually quiet suddenly yelling. 

And dont do this:

Well that happened I said with fear in my voice. 

You need quotation marks. And there are other instances when question marks should be used, like when making plams or suggestions to oneself. Like when Brad is wondering how to get Adria's attention. 

And refrain from describing a bell ringing by trying to make the sound with words or letters. Just say 'the bell rang' or of you want to be fancy 'the high pitched wailing of the bell reverberated through the hallways' something like that, not RIIINGGG.

And since this is a first person story, with only a single person not talking to anybody yet, don't focus so much on what he is thinking and put more emphasis on what he is physically doing or what he is seeing.

I'm sorry if I sound overly critical I'm just trying to help. I think you have potential, and don't want to see your efforts and talents not used to their fullest possibility. Hope this helps.

Author's Response: vgiv thank you for review I'll do everything I can to improve the second chapter. I'll definitely use your advice to help me so I can make this a better story. Thank you again for the advice I'm really thankful that you care enough to give me the advice I need.