Reviewer: giantess jessica Signed [Report This]
Date: December 23 2017 11:15 AM Title: Chapter 1

i would like to know if you like to make a story with me?

Reviewer: Frizzle Signed [Report This]
Date: December 12 2017 9:38 PM Title: Chapter 1

Not bad. You seem to be good writing coherent sentences with detail. Your paragraphs and indenting however could use some work, so that your text doesn't look like a wall. For an example check out some of Jacksmiths storys, or I'll give you this example below.

Don't do this

"Two more drops and that should finish it." Ashley muttered to herself as she eased the small dropper over the beaker and slowly placed two drops into the green liquid. Ashley placed the dropper on the table and sat back in her chair. " There it is at last." Ashley whispered to herself. Months upon months of collecting the proper ingredients came down to the concoction that mildly bubbled before her. Months spent with many a sleepless night as she worked to find the ingredients needed for the magic potion that would make her wildest fetish come true. She could already feel her panties becoming wetter by the second as she thought about all the possibilities her hard work would bring to life.

 

Do this instead!

"Two more drops and that should finish it," Ashley muttered to herself as she eased the small dropper over the beaker and slowly placed two drops into the green liquid.

Ashley placed the dropper on the table and sat back in her chair, "There it is at last," Ashley whispered to herself. Months upon months of collecting the proper ingredients came down to the concoction that mildly bubbled before her. Months spent with many sleepless nights as she worked to find the ingredients needed for the magic potion that would make her wildest fetish come true.

She could already feel her panties becoming wetter by the second as she thought about all the possibilities her hard work would bring to life.

 

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Other than that, along with a few minor grammar and spelling errors, you got a pretty good story with a pretty good plot going! If you continue writing this story I'll probably follow it :) good luck!

Author's Response: I greatly appreciate the review, I’ll definitely be taking the time to go back and clean up the texts with proper indentation and spacing. It does make it a more difficult read without it. Thank you so much for your feedback and your following!