Date: August 13 2016 2:31 PM Title: Missing
The descriptions are great, I could definitely picture the world as I was going along.
I think this helps the reader to fill in spots where the writer doesn't write for one reason or another.
For example, you didn't go into detail of Kim climbing the rock, but I could picture her clearly. Her hands gripping at groovers, her little body maybe a bit sweaty, grunting as she fought and clawed her way to the top of the rock.
As far as Sentence structure and stuff goes. This is the first chapter of a work-in-progress. You're going to flesh it out as you go. I doubt you have the entire story planned out on how you want each chapter to feel and and sound. I always feel the first few chapters of any story come off as formulaic until the writer hits their stride.
Thus, for now, I think it's kind of moot to pick at things too much.
What I like:
Details
Quick to establish the roles of the world
Nice plot established with Julie missing and introducing Tessie.
What I didn't like:
Length. Though, I assume this will probably fluctuate as the story progresses.
More development with Tessie?
[Report This]Date: August 13 2016 12:07 PM Title: Missing
Your use of description is very effective and well groomed. I like that you depict a world where small people have adapted to their lives and have tools like carved out ladders to move around.
I like the Tessie character, she has a cute description. I'm looking forward to seeing how she develops.
I would say that you could make your sentences slightly less formulaic and allow them to flow into one another more freely. If a sentence seems like it reads like a list of actions, try harder to integrate one into the other.
Thanks for writing and posting.
Author's Response:
Thank you, yea I'll try to put more into the sentence flow.