Date: December 15 2015 3:19 AM Title: The Beginning
I've never said you needed to be an A student, i ain't an A student, all i want is to see description, which is the basis for a story. I will admit however, that if you are doing this in spare time, then sure, it will impact the quality; in which case, maybe don't post as quickly and clean and expand chapters before posting; better to release a good chapter a week than a bad chapter a day.
Middle school is before highschool; it's primary level. In reflection, that's a little harsh, but i'm trying to get a point across.
I'll leave this alone from now on, i believe that i'll honestly just end up being a thorn in your side, and frankly it benefits neither of us; in which case, i would again hope you've taken all with a pinch of salt, and have a good day/night.
[Report This]Date: December 14 2015 1:44 PM Title: The Beginning
Blunt and honest, that's what I'll go for here:
Terrible? No. The concepts are interesting, the depth and detail are lacking. Chapter one bounced around, no rhyme or reason. Chapter two seems to not be so choppy, but it definitely needs expansion. Perhaps I'll jump in on this round robin.
Date: December 14 2015 6:38 AM Title: "Time to change"
Alright, review round two, I think this time I'll be more objective. Firstly, As with chapter 1, there is still an absence of detail, there is no description of smell, taste, touch, there is sight but it's too basic, describe the rooms/bodies to a bit more depth.
For example; the man shoving his erection into the plastic body, there could have been a better build up, maybe a description on what it's like inside of the box, the smell of plastic, the rigidity of the body, the panic or nausea that might've taken place in more descriptive detail. If it were something like "I could only see the dirt covered vinyl of the floor, the mans large hand gripped my back harshly making my body erupt in pain." it paints a slightly clearer picture in a sentence, whereas I literally cannot picture a thing in this chapter, it's too vague.
The length is arguably toshort for what is meant to be a normal story; a short story this may be fine, but it skips into too many different places and interacts with too many people to be considered a short story. In which case, you need to give some expansion to what you're trying to write, this is in my opinion, middle school writing level; which I think makes it seem even more seeming that you're not trying. If you were to again, even just expand on the details further I think the length may just barely skim being ok for what you're trying to accomplish.
Overall, maybe I'm being too harsh, and I would hope you take this with a pinch of salt like all internet criticisms should be; past that, hopefully the next chapter sees something promising.
Author's Response:
A few things. 1) I'm having to retake english for a third time I'm sorry that i'm not an A* student, 2) What the hell is middle school? and 3) I do this in free time which is not very often so I don't have time to do much for this so i'm sorry if it's rushed.
[Report This]Date: December 12 2015 9:49 PM Title: The Beginning
I really like what you tried to do here! The big thing is it was just thrown together. You had these great ideas, but each of your paragraphs should of been a separate chapter with much more detail. How it is now it is too jumpy. I loved the first two paragraphs just wish there was more to it!
Date: December 12 2015 6:34 PM Title: The Beginning
Look, i'll be very frank, i dislike this story. It feels as if no effort has been put in, it isn't that creative, it doesn't really depict anything in detail, and is honestly quite dull in general. I'm sorry if this annoys you, but it really feels like you haven't tried at all.