Reviewer: DollsizeHarlequin Signed [Report This]
Date: July 04 2015 7:29 PM Title: Chapter 1

This is good, i would certainly read a seequal of it if you were to make it into a series. Your 'action' scenes with the crushing and the interation and such were really nice paced and had enough description to allow the imagination to fill in anything else the reader may need.

Interactive dialogue was good and didn't bog the story down with dull repetition or needless padding and overall was realistic.

The only issue i would say i have is that you can afford to be a little more liberal with the scene-setting descriptions. People come into a story expecting to be told what the characters look like for example, but we dont have that here, all we know is that your main character had school shoes and white tights on...

Perhaps in future take the time at the start to fully set a scene, it really helps with reader immersion.

Awesome work on the slave girl by the way ;)  That was good fun hehe

Ems.

Reviewer: AdamX Signed [Report This]
Date: July 03 2015 6:28 PM Title: Chapter 1

Bravo, I hope it continues.