[Report This]Date: July 18 2014 8:31 PM Title: Chapter IX: Amanda's Next Move (1)
I love vore stuff it's pretty much only thing I read on this site, which is what drew me I'm to this story. I will admit it's kinda f hard to read because of how it's set out but it does sort of get easyer as it gets towards the end. It may be predictable but tbh most story's like this kinda are but that doesn't matter to much. There was a few minor spelling mistakes through out but other then that I kinda liked the not so serious side of it.
I defiantly would recommend writing these story's on a computer or somthing instead of a phone tho though so you can write more detail and improve layouts and things
Frankie :)
Author's Response:
I know it's hard to understand, but I think of my ideas as if I was making a movie mainly because I am not much of a reader I just watch TV that's why it's a little hard to understand. Also I'm a vore fan as well. You'll know my favorite GTS categories if you read my bio.
Thanks for your review.😁
Date: July 18 2014 9:10 AM Title: Chapter IX: Amanda's Next Move (1)
Ok, I'm going to try and give an honest review here. First of all, please, keep your summary short. The first paragraph about the story is enough, we don't need to know about categories because we'll find out about while we read the story, and we certainly don't need to know about size examples, keep it for the story notes, don't spam the front page of the site like this.
And why do you have to post every chapter as a new story? Why not just keep it under one story so that it's easier to keep track? You should just update a single story called the Adventures of PA McFalls and that's it.
Now, onto your writing. Let's take the opening paragraph as an example:
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“Ow,” I said. “Dylan are you okay?” Belle asked. “I'm fine my leg just hurts,” I answered. “I think you injured it when Amanda hit you and you landed into the wall,” Dillon said. “Yeah I think it's broken,” Emma said. “Yeah it's not broken it's just injured,” Andy said. “Well we got to get ready for the big day tomorrow,” Belle said excitedly. “What's tomorrow?” I asked. “It's my birthday duh,” Belle answered. “Oh that's right I uh… totally knew that,” I said nervously. “Did you forget?” Belle asked. “What? No,” I said in a high pitch tone. “Okay I know one thing and that's you being a terrible liar,” Belle said. “Okay fine I forgot,” I said. “How old will you be?” Dillon asked. “I'll be 18 years old,” Belle answered.
--
First of all, the center alignment is not a good idea. Keep it aligned to the left like everyone else does. It serves a basic purpose which is to make it easier for the reader to read. Having it aligned to the center is difficult for the reader beause lines have different lengths, but when aligned to the left, all have the same starting point.
Secondly, I didn't read a single word about where they are. You didn't describe the scenery at all, I only see dialogue but I'm not sure what to do with it. It's like I'm reading a bunch of people having a conversations in the middle of a pitch black room. I simply can't imagine the scene without you describing it a little.
Thirdly, space dialogue between the characters. After each line of dialogue, you tell us who said what, in what way and stuff like that. It certainly keeps it clear about who is saying what, but it's too robotic, monotonous. Instead, you should reserve a line for one character only and switch between charactes using paragraphs, no matter how short they are.
And lastly, you need to give the story a bit more flair, more stuff that keeps it interesting. As I've said, describe the scenery more, describe about how everyone feels, or at least how the first-person charater does. Tell us about their emotions, how their faces look, what they are thinking and stuff like that. Let me just try and write the first paragraph my way and you'll see what I mean:
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"Ow!" Pain shot up through my leg.
"Dylan?" Belle said. "Are you ok?"
"I'm fine, it's just my leg. It hurts a little."
"Just a little?" Dillon said as he leaned over to take a closer look. "Amanda's blow certainly seemed powerful. She smashed you on the wall! It should have been enough to break it."
"Yeah, " Emma said in agreement, "I think it's broken."
"No." Andy stepped in. "It's not broken, just strained. You're going to be fine."
"Hopefully!" Belle said, visibly releived. "We have to get ready for the big day tomorrow after all!"
"What's tomorrow?" I said.
"Uh, my birthday?" Belle looked a bit disappointed.
"Oh, that." I flushed, how could I forget? "Yeah, I knew that."
"You forgot."
"What? No!"
"Okay." Belle crossed her arms. "You really are a terrible liar." She smiled at my obvious nervousness.
"How old will you be?" Dillon asked.
Belle turned her head. "Eighteen."
---
Suddenly, there's a better flow. It's more readable and grabs your attention. Remember, you're writing a story here, not a movie script. There's much more to a story than just dialogue.
Hopefully I was able to give some constructive criticism here. If you do the things that I've said, I'm pretty sure that you'll get more reads and more reviews in the future. I'll certainly wait and see when you post the next chapter and give you feedback about whether you've improved or not.