Date: February 19 2013 8:02 AM Title: Chapter 1
for me to go into any detail I'll have to read an examine the story again, but I think the main thing was a lack of premise, like why they are on Earth. Although come to think of it, if you're planning a sequel, I'm sure any concerns I had about the plot will be addressed in that.
Author's Response:
Oh, the reason they are on Earth is mentioned in the story, chapter 2. The cone device Marian and the others hunted probably had a malfunction, and set course to Earth from Alpha Centauri. Marian illegally crossed the borders and Marcia follwed her to get (steal) the cone.
Date: February 14 2013 5:52 PM Title: Chapter 7
I did notice a few plot holes but I think I'll leave it at that.
Author's Response:
Oh, tell me. I plan to write a sequel, and I am willing to explain a few things then :)
Date: February 14 2013 5:44 PM Title: Chapter 6
So Marcia can die of drowning but not from the lack of air that comes with being more than a mile high. That's really odd. Unless I'm missing something?
Author's Response:
The "mesosphere" begins at 30 miles, and I read that the oxygen/nitrogen levels are rougly the same as in the lower atmosphere. But Krawalonians, being able to reach such heights, need less oxygen than humans. But they can drown indeed.
Date: February 14 2013 5:37 PM Title: Chapter 4
Cool! The cat fight has started.
Here:
err, "acquaintance" of me.
You mean "of mine".
And here:
We know each other for a long time, and I can tell you I cannot express my dislike or my desire to see her vanquished.
I think you mean:
We've known each other for a long time, and I cannot stress enough how much I dislike her or my desire to see her vanquished.
Author's Response:
English is not my native language, so I do make some grammar errors. Nice of you to piont it out, so I can use that for my future stories.
The other explanaion would be Marian's translator doesn't work 100% correct....
Author's Response:
English is not my native language, so I do make some grammar errors. Nice of you to piont it out, so I can use that for my future stories.
The other explanation would be Marian's translator doesn't work 100% correct....
Date: February 14 2013 5:24 PM Title: Chapter 3
So when is the "cat fight" starting?
Date: February 14 2013 5:16 PM Title: Chapter 2
Marian mentions she comes from a planet orbiting the star Algol. I did a bit of reading, and this apparently lone star is actually part of a systen containing three stars and as such, this would make it very hard for a planet(s) to exist because of the effects of gravity. Any planets that do not want to be flung away would to have to be so close to the that star they would be too hot for any life.
Author's Response:
You take it seriously, do you? Good, I like that.
Anyway, I read Algol is a binary system, meaning it consists of two stars, not three. And binary systems can have planets with a stable orbit at Earth's distance.
And let's be honest, what do we know about Algol the Krawalonians would not? :)
Date: February 14 2013 5:04 PM Title: Chapter 1
A funny start. Not many stories can claim to make me chuckle. I suppose the story gets a whole lot more serious after this chapter. I wonder if they actually call the police...
[Report This]Date: October 16 2011 10:09 AM Title: Chapter 7
"...but the fight was and Marian back in the ship over before a nuke was fired." Lines like that need to be tightened up, because they stand out against all the really good writing here. I did like the resolution and Luke's ingenuity. This is a creative series with some very good highlights and entertainment.
Author's Response:
Thanks! Corrected it.
[Report This]Date: October 16 2011 10:05 AM Title: Chapter 6
Some of the details you include are very useful, like the village stuck to Marcia's back. The action seems to follow the girls as they enlarge, so their height remains constant while the world around them shrinks. Maybe a couple POV descriptions would be welcome, what the humans see when they look up at the enormous women.
[Report This]Date: October 16 2011 9:57 AM Title: Chapter 4
Good dramatic tension in this chapter. It's interesting to see the dynamic between Paul, Luke, and Dennis as well. Marcia's a nice, classic villain, it sounds like. I look forward to seeing what comes next.
[Report This]Date: October 16 2011 9:55 AM Title: Chapter 2
The action moves pretty quickly, doesn't it? I like the premise, the race for the objects, and the allusions to the alien society. Good writing, but you'll want to go over it all one more time to clean up a couple spots.