Date: January 27 2024 10:29 PM Title: The Revelation and Awakening
There's some good ideas in this story, and the prose itself is well written, but I think how the story is conveyed could use some work. Most of these six chapters feel very expositiony, like I'm being told a summary of the story instead of jumping directly into the story itself. Oftentimes, instead of getting intimate with the characters and their actions, we're just told about them. For example, when the friends meet outside Shawn's house, we're told that they questioned why they are there and discussed it until someone points out it's his house, when it'd be more engaging to see the conversation play out directly. We're told Shawn agrees to the shadowy figure's deal instead of just showing us him agreeing to it. We're told characters feel sad over Erin's disappearance instead of seeing them cry or hear what they had to say about her or really getting into any specific moments.
My favorite line from this story is: "Erin, with a tenderness that belied the coldness of her presence, reached down and cradled his face in her hand." It's a moment where I'm not told how the characters feel but am shown it through an intimate moment. This one line captures how uneasy Shawn feels, comforted by the return of his long-lost friend while disturbed by the way in which she has reappeared into his life. If this story had more moments like this, where we see and hear things through the character's perspectives instead of being told directly how they feel or regularly reminded how important these events are going to be, that would greatly benefit the narrative.
I hope I got my point across, it's a tricky opinion to explain. Again, I think the ideas in this story are interesting and you're clearly good at syntax, but the story should be more zoomed in on the actual events and not just read off like a summary.