On the Road

With the outer arms of Hurricane Gertrude sweeping through the area, rain had started falling fairly heavily, there was a massive pile up on I-10 south, forcing the bus driver to take alternate route down to New Orleans.

Taking the Airline Highway, like so many others, the roadway was jammed with traffic, they turned off onto Louisiana 42 north of Prairieville and followed it east across the Amite River into Port Vincent. 42 turned into 16 through The French Settlement where the road became Louisiana 22 and soon they were lost.

During the drive, the members of the bad were literally bombarded with questions:

How did you guys get together? (Celeste)

Eddie – we all started in high school, messing around in Charlie’s parent’s garage.

How old were you when you started? (Daphne)

Aedin – Shit. Me and Eddie were like 14, 15 maybe, and Charlie was 15-16, Pete’s the old man, I think he was 17.

Pete – That sounds right

What was your big break? (Daphne)

Charlie – Aedin and Eddie wrote the song ‘Slave to Rock’ and it got some local play in LA, somebody with some stroke heard it, asked if they could use it in a video game, next thing you know we got a bona fide hit and mega hits on our video on YouTube. 

What is your favorite color? (Anna)

Aedin – Black

Eddie – Pink, looking at Anna as he answers, half smile on his face.

Charlie – Purple, big fan of the Baltimore Ravens football team

Pete – Green, color of money baby

How old were you when you lost your virginity? (Celeste)

Aedin – Laughs, I’m still a virgin

Eddie – I’m not, I was 15 she was 24, that was like 12 years ago now.

Noting the scowl on Amanda’s face, “Okay, maybe that’s enough Q&A for now,” Karli said, choosing to intervene before things got too ribald.

“Something fucked up is going on, we’ve been driving for like two hours and we seem to be in the middle of nowhere,” Eddie said, looking out the windows of the bus, gnarled cypress trees lined the roadway on both sides, Spanish moss hanging from the trees like a funerary shroud.

 “This is like hillbilly country,” mumbled Pete, peering out the windows of the tour bus.

Aedin frowned, “We’re in the bayou, it’s Creole country,” he clarified.

“I thought this was Cajun country?” Charlie chimed in.

“What’s the fucking difference?” Pete asked.

Aedin shook his head, realizing there was probably no point in making the distinction for Pete. “Don’t worry about it,” he said.

Pete shrugged. “Whatever, you know-“

There was a loud pop from up front and bus pulled dramatically to the right. Swerving a couple of times before the driver was able to bring it safely to a stop on the narrow shoulder beside the crumbling asphalt.

“Fuck!” yelled Charlie, bracing himself on the couch.

“What the fuck happened?” Eddie yelled in the direction of the driver.

“Blowout, right front tire,” the driver said.

“Check that shit out!” Pete exclaimed, pointing through the window of the bus at what appeared to be some type of old graveyard ringed with a high iron fence. Jumping up, he moved toward the front of the bus, “Hey open the door,” he said, putting a hand on the driver’s shoulder. Pete turned, “Eddie, c’mon let’s check it out.”

The driver pulled the lever and opened the door.

Eddie looked from the girls to Pete to weird isolated graveyard outside. Grinning, he got up and joined Pete.

Still sitting in the bus, across from Aedin, “You know I’m wearing black panties,” Celeste said coyly.

Aedin looked at her as Pete and Eddie got off the bus. “What?”

The girl with the fiery hair repeated herself, sucking her bottom lip between her teeth.

Karli frowned, Amanda scowled while her daughter Anna averted her eyes and blushed, Daphne just giggled and nodded.

Aedin smiled. This is not awkward. “Um, cool,” he said, not entirely thrilled to be hungover and now the subject of scrutiny in an estrogen fest.

Getting off the bus, Eddie and Pete walked across the worn and broken pavement of the narrow road to the site of the boneyard. The gates to the fence were rusted and corroded and open. Situated near the center of the fairly small graveyard amidst the collected of eroded simple tombstones was the only building visible, a small mausoleum, white stone stained green from years of exposure to the elements and vegetation. In total, there were another thirty or forty tombstones, some pre-dating the Louisiana Purchase.

“Too fucking weird,” Pete mumbled, looking on, squelching through the damp ground as they walked on.

“Graveyard in the middle of nowhere,” Eddie said, looking around. “And quiet, you’d think there would be, I don’t know, like swamp noise or something,” he commented.

“Swamp noise?”

“You know, like in the movies,” he explained.

Pete nodded. “Let’s go have a look see what’s in there, besides I got to take a piss,” he said, pointing at the decaying edifice.

“Better not be like a vampire or some shit,” Eddie said.

“Dude, it’s like the middle of the afternoon,” Pete replied, looking skyward and holding his arms out.

“Just saying, pretty sure I can run faster than you,” Eddie quipped.

Circling around the ten foot by foot ten building, the heavy stone doors were ajar, pushed outward. Peering in, Pete snapped his head back, “Bah, something crawled in there and died,” he said.

“Let me see,” said Eddie, calling up the flashlight app in his phone. Leaning in through the narrow pass between the doors, he shone his light inside. It smelled dank, something pungent, almost putrid hung heavy in the close air. “Smells like your feet,” he said, moving inside.

Dark green stains covered the wall from floor to ceiling, the only feature in the room was a dais of some type, it looked like a maybe four feet by four feet square about six inches above the rest of the floor in the middle of the room. On top of the dais, there was what looked like a crudely drawn white chalk circle with arrows poking out of it, a bunch of symbols, some of the design looking like it had washed away by the rain blown in through the partially opened doors. Near the center of the pattern was an overturned bowl, something dark and sticky spilling out from under it and congealing, and on one side was a clear unlabeled bottle of some burnt amber colored clear liquid, almost like tea, a cork stoppered in the top.

Eddie scowled. Reaching down, he picked up the bottle.

“What the fuck is it?” Pete asked, entering the musty room and coming close to the circle.

“Don’t know,” replied Eddie, working the cork out of the top of the bottle.

“Dude, check it out,” said Pete, unzipping his fly and removing his penis from his pants before urinating down on the circle, washing out several of the symbols.

Eddie scowled, “Dude, what the fuck man?” he said.

“I told you, I had to take a leak,” he said, giving his dick a shake before tucking it back into his pants and zipping up.

“You’re straight up class,” Eddie said, tone snide.

“Fuck you,” Pete said, moving closer to see the bottle.

Get the cork free, Eddie brought it to his nose, then held it back a moment before bringing it to his lips and taking a pull.

Pete scowled.

Eddie’s face puckered at the burning sensation traveling down his esophagus.

“Give it,” said Pete, reaching out for the bottle.

Eddie handed it over. Like Eddie, Pete sniffed it, whatever it was smelled like booze. Lifting the bottle to his mouth he drank some, pinching his eyes closed and turning his head to the side. Initial reaction over, he smiled and wiped his mouth with the back of his arm, “Burns,” he said, voice hoarse.

Eddie chuckled, “Shit has definitely got some kick,” he said.

Pete nodded, grinning. “That split tail has got us on a dry bus, we got to get some of this to Aedin and Charlie.”

“I wanted to record their faces when they get that first taste,” Eddie said, “Post that shit on social media.”

Pete laughed as they slid out of the mausoleum back toward the bus.

“I’ll go in get them to come out,” Eddie said.

Pete nodded and waited in front of the bus. Looking through the windshield, he pointed at the driver, then the bottle. The bus driver nodded and smiled. Eddie returned with Aedin and Charlie.

“Hey, you guys won’t believe what we found out in the graveyard,” Pete said.

“Dead bodies?” said Charlie, tone unimpressed, looking around at the darkening stormy sky.

“This,” said Pete, holding out the bottle.

Aedin frowned. Taking the bottle from him. He frowned, eyes narrowing. “This a joke of some kind?” he asked, suspicious.

“We totally found it,” Eddie said, jerking his thumb back toward the graveyard.

“Fuck off,” Charlie said, taking the bottle from Aedin and smelling it. He eyed Eddie and Pete, “Smells kind of like rum,” he said.

Aedin nodded, “Take a hit,” he said.

“Fuck that,” Charlie said, handing the bottle back.

Aedin sniffed it then took a long draught. Eddie fumbled with his phone, trying get the video to record as Aedin’s face puckered and he coughed. “Taste like bloody gator piss,” he said eyes screwed shut, holding the bottle out.

Pete looked at the driver, “You go,” he said.

“No, I’m driving, I shouldn’t,” he said, waving his hand.

“Fuck off, don’t be a pussy,” Eddie said, taking the bottle from Aedin and holding it out to the driver.

The bus driver took the bottle and a little sip, instantly making a sour face. Eddie laughed, recording the expression on his cell phone.

“Just you Charlie,” Eddie said.

“I don’t think so,” Charlie said, frowning.

“When are you ever going to have chance at random graveyard rum again, it’s like finding porn on cable TV,” he said.

Aedin shook his head, eyes still half lidded. “Graveyard rum, we should write a song about it,” he said chuckle turning into a cough.

“Fuck it,” Charlie said, seizing the bottle and taking two good swallows.

Eddie swiveled the phone to record Charlie’s face just as Karli rounded the front of the bus.

”What the heck is going out here?” she asked, just taking note of the bottle in Charlie’s hand.

“Are you kidding me, what are you guys, like fourteen?” she said, a scowl on her face. Extending her arm toward Charlie, she opened and closed her hand a couple of times. “Give it.”

Charlie shuddered and handed her the bottle. She sniffed the contents and immediately held the bottle at arm’s length and jerked her head back, eyes closed, tongue sticking out. “That’s horrible!” she said.

“It’s a man’s drink,” Eddie said aiming his phone at her and grinning as Charlie tried to compose himself.

“I personally checked the bus, how did you managed to smuggle this aboard?” she demanded.

“We found it,” Pete said, looking back toward the graveyard.

She frowned. “You found a bottle of whatever the heck this is in that graveyard?” she asked, incredulous.

Eddie and Pete nodded in unison.

“Who in their right mind would drink something like this?” she challenged. The men all looked at each other.

“Anyone ever tell you that you’re beautiful when you’re angry?” Eddie asked, flashing her a wink.

She scowled, “Anyone ever tell you you’re stupid when you’re awake?” she replied, flashing him a scowl.

“Sick burn,” said Pete, pointing his finger at Eddie. “Son you just got owned.”

Taking a step forward, she jammed the bottle into Pete’s chest, “Take this back where you found it.”

He took the bottle and gave her a straight arm forward salute, “Jawohl,” he said in a German accent before journeying back into the graveyard. Looking at what was left in the bottle, he snickered and drank it, lobbing the empty bottle back toward the mausoleum.

Putting one hand on her hip, she pointed at the bus door with the other, “Get back in there right now!” she ordered. “There are three ‘lucky’ young girls in there who get to spend the day with Injustice, idolizing you while you morons stand out here drinking god knows what form a bottle you found in a bloody graveyard in the middle of nowhere,” she barked, definitely not happy. She leveled her gaze on the driver, frowning. He nodded meekly and skirted around, getting back on the bus.

“Relax, it was just some harmless swamp juice for crying out loud, you need to un-wad your panties and relax,” commented Eddie.

“You may need un-wad my foot from your ass if you don’t get it back on that bus right now,” she stated, face brooking no argument.

“Un-wad my panties? Did any of you bother to check your phones and see that were are in a no service area? Hmm?” She asked.

Eddie and Pete checked their phones. “What does that mean?” Eddie asked.

“It means we are stuck in the middle of nowhere, with no means of summoning help,” she informed, face a mask of restrained anger.