Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction meant for entertainment purposes only.

White Noise

By Oishi1

Based on the story “Subspecies” by EmmaGear and SorenZer0

This story is satire, and does not reflect the views or opinions of the writer. If you don’t know what satire is http://www.merriam-webster.com/ . I didn’t link to the actual word. You can look it up yourself. Thrill of the hunt and all.

If this still ruffles people’s feathers, then all I have to say is, “Aha! People don’t have feathers! What are you? Some kind of sentient bird that got online?

“I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence,” –Frederick Douglass

"Really? Cutter? That just doesn't sound right," Dezba said staring into the rear view mirror. The other two sat in the back.  She was a pro at pest removal, but this was their first field mission. As the TermiGone van chugged along Prospect Avenue they got to know each other, "I always thought it was said Quah-Tarr,"

"Most foreigners do, but since it's such a small nation, I doubt they think about it at all really," Lamis said, "What about you? Lived in Berkley your whole life?"

"Nah. I grew up in the Mojave reservation. When I went off to college, I was the first in my family to leave," Dezba said, "Not that anybody has to stay considering the laws that granted us all of our old land, but once a place starts feeling like home, it's hard to leave," The other two nodded knowingly. They were both far from home, "I came to Berkley to get a college degree. My family insisted on it. They were pretty mad when I said I wanted to do this for a living, but what can I say? When you've found your calling, you've found your calling, right?" The other two nodded again, but this time they were a bit more hesitant, "What about you, Tania? What brings you to the great state of California?"

"Well, I grew up in Christ's Church, Barbados. I came here to get my doctorate in parasitology. I already have my masters, but I need field research to complete the doctorate program," Tania said.

"It's not a bad place, at least now. It used to be you couldn't go anywhere near Orange County without running into trouble, but things have changed. Berkley's always been pretty good, but in the past few years it's gotten even better," Dezba said.

They pulled up to a nice looking white house with terra cotta shingles, "Ok," Dezba said, "Raul and Juanita Obregon have a bit of a pest problem. This should be pretty standard. Just follow my lead, and I'll show you the ropes," They climbed out of the TermiGone van; their white jumpsuits glowed in the California sun. Tania was the tallest. She looked like a living shadow, dark and slim, Dezba was the shortest, she was also a little bit rounder than the others as well (You would be too if you had constant access to fry bread. That stuff's amazing), Lamis was somewhere in between. Shortly after Dezba rang the doorbell, a beautiful young woman answered, peeking nervously out the doorway, "Mrs. Obregon? We're with TermiGone. We heard you might have an infestation?"

"Yes, please come in. I'm so glad they sent women. My husband's at work, and I don't know how I'd handle letting a strange man in," Mrs. Obregon said.

"Uh, huh," Dezba said looking around. It was a nice new place. Pictures and ornate crosses lined the walls. The carpet looked new, and there was a fresh coat of paint on everything, "You've got yourself a nice home. Why don't you tell us a bit about the reason you believe you might have an infestation,"

"Thanks. We just moved in about a week ago. Sorry for the mess, but we're still cleaning up from the housewarming party," Mrs. Obregon said, "If you stay here long enough, you'll hear it for yourself,'

"Hear what?" Lamis asked. As if on cue, music began blasting out of the walls. Shelves vibrated. Picture frames and crosses fell to the floor. Everybody except Tania covered their ears as the horrible sound shook the world around them.

"Yep. Definitely termites," Dezba said.

"What is that, that noise?" Lamis asked hugging her own head for protection.

"Black Sabbath. 'Into the Void' I believe," Tania said. Everyone turned and stared at her, "What?"

"How can you not only listen to that noise but identify it?" Lamis asked.

Long before “The Incident, the ancestors of the termites’ music was already dubbed degenerate by the powers that be. On the street, it was just called White Noise.

"I sort of acquired a taste for it in college. It, it tends to grow on you," Tania said. The others continued to stare at her with expressions of doubt.

"They do this almost all day every day. They get louder at night. We can't sleep," Mrs. Obregon said.

"They probably have a network of amps set up in the walls. Wait until you get your electric bill. Yep, definitely a colony," Dezba nodded to the other two, "Go get the equipment. I'll try to find the best place to set up. The newbies eagerly ran out and got everything. The first couple of missions, they were generally pretty optimistic, but after they saw their first kill, she'd really know if they were cut out for the job, "Mrs. Obregon, I'm going to need you to leave the house for about two hours. That should give the fog time to settle. Is there somewhere you can go for that long?"

"Sure. Ms. Villarreal and I were planning on going jogging anyway. Are you going to kill them?" She looked concerned, but curious at the same time.

"Not in this treatment. This one just stops them from reproducing. We don't want them spreading any further than they already have. We may have to drill a few small holes. We'll do our best to patch them up or cover the cost for a professional to do it. Is that ok?" Dezba asked.

"Um, sure. Whatever it takes. Just don't level the house," She laughed nervously, and then headed out.

"What we need to do now is find the main nest," Dezba said.

Lamis screamed. The other two looked in her direction and saw two tiny pale things skitter along the ground.

"Don't just stand there! Stop them!" Dezba yelled. Despite being further away, Tania was on top of them before Lamis. She trapped one under the sole of her work boot. It let out a high-pitched feminine scream. The other one stopped running for just long enough to enable Lamis to trap it the same way. One was male, the other female. Aside from their size and their outright paleness, they looked like naked people. They struggled, half pinned under the tread of the boots.

Dezba leaned over toward the male, "Where is your central nest?"

"I don't have to tell you! We were here first," He shouted. This always made her laugh.

"How far back do you want to go?" She asked with a smile, "My father's Mojave and my mother's Navajo. Which one were you here before? I can assure you, we were here first. I don't know how long. When your people showed up, they scattered us. Much of our oral tradition was lost,"

"I didn't mean it like that!" He said. His eyes kept trying to hold her gaze, but she was tapping her foot; and he couldn't help but stare at her heavy leather boot. Unlike the other two (who had just bought theirs), her boots were well worn and dirty. Mysterious rusty grit caked the treads. If one looked closely (not recommended) they would notice tiny limbs that weren't properly cleaned off, "We're not hurting anything. Just leave us alone. If it's about the music, we'll turn it down alright?"

"You can 'not hurt anything' somewhere else," Dezba said.

"Where should we go?" The pale thing asked.

"Doesn't matter really. As long as it isn't here," Dezba said, "You can go to the neighbor’s house for all I care. Unless they pay us to move you, you'll stop being my problem,"

"You can't make us move!" He yelled up at her.

"You're very strong willed," Dezba said, "I bet breaking you will dissuade the others. All you have to do is press down with your boot," she looked at Lamis, but she was crying and shaking her head, "Very well, Tania?" At her command, the tiny thing under Tania's boot let out a scream, so did Lamis and the tiny thing under her boot. Dezba smiled. Tania was showing potential. She didn't even question the order. If she got that doctorate, Dezba would be taking orders from her soon. Lamis was probably going to quit before the week was over, "Now go tell your friends what I told you. I will be back in a week," Lamis let the pale thing loose and it walked away, deliberately trying to look brave.

"This isn't over," he said, trying to look menacing, before slinking off into the shadows. Tania scraped the remains of his girlfriend off of her boot, then realized what she had done to the carpet.

"Sorry," She said sheepishly. If she was blushing, they couldn't tell.

"Don't worry. We have something that'll get that right up," Dezba said. Lamis stared at the stain for a while as the other two set up the fogger. Dezba found empty wine crates in the corner and smiled.

"Bingo," she said.

"What?" Tania asked.

"Just a theory. I'll tell you later," Dezba said.

After they'd set things up and were piling back into the van, Dezba asked, "So, how is it that you know so much about their music?"

Tania gave an embarrassed shrug and smile, "I sort of dated one. You know, before the thing. His name was Louie. I know, I know, it was a mistake. My parents didn't like it, but we were sooo in love. She pointed to a tattoo of a snowflake on her neck. It was just barely a shade darker than her skin, and the others hadn't noticed it until then. When it happened, you know, they all shrank, I tried to keep him and care for him, but after a while it became more and more of a burden," She trailed off.

"What happened?" Lamis asked, though she looked worried about hearing the answer.

"I was sort of drunk, and it was a dare from one of my sorority sisters," She looked embarrassed again, but the other two stared her down until she answered, "I sort of swallowed him one night," She gritted her white teeth in a guilty fashion. Dezba gave an uproarious laugh, but Lamis gagged.

"Eww! How could you do that?" Lamis asked, "That's just disgusting!"

"I've eaten stranger things. Back home we ate live octopus all the time, and jellyfish are in our salads. It's no big deal. It wasn't the last time I did it. It sort of, I don't know how to say it, felt good. I mean GOOD, good, down below," Lamis freaked out again, while Dezba continued to laugh.

"While I wouldn't personally do it, I'd like to see you do it if we get the chance," Dezba said.

"Nuh uh! If you're going to do that, warn me so I can leave the room! How could you eat something so, so filthy? There's no way that's Halal," Lamis said.

Tania shrugged, "Sure. If we're getting rid of them anyway, I can't see how the method matters,"

Yeah, she was definitely going far with the company.

They made a few more house calls that night, but most of them were just one or two of the annoying pests. The Obregon house was going to be where the money was for the month. Dezba had a feeling this was going to be the biggest colony she'd ever seen.

The next week when they rang on her door, Mrs. Obregon ushered them in, "It's even worse than last week!"

"They still play that," Dezba shuddered before finishing her sentence, "music?"

"Not only that, but they're screaming and thumping on the walls all the time now. It sounds like they're dyeing. I thought you said that stuff wasn't poison,”

"It wasn't. It was just a form of birth control to end their reproductive cycle. Every since the event, they've been multiplying like rabbits, and their gestation time is shorter. It only goes to prove they were never human in the first place," She leaned against the wall and listened for the noise. A lurid grin spread across her face, "They aren't dyeing. That’s the sound of a bunch of tiny orgasms,"

"What? I thought you said you got rid of their ability to reproduce," Mrs. Obregon said.

"The problem may be bigger than we originally thought. Tania, get me the W.A.S.P. spray," Dezba said. Tania went back to the van, "Tell me, Mrs. Obregon, was your housewarming party a, wine tasting, by any chance?"

She looked embarrassed, "What? We were curious. White people made it look so fun. It turns out you don't even get to drink the wine! You have to spit it out. It was so boring, you have no idea,"

"That's probably where they came from. The wine crates. They repopulated and proliferated in your walls,"

"That still doesn't explain why they are," She whispered the last word, "orgasming,"

"I'm afraid you don't have termites. It's much worse than that," Dezba said, "I regret to inform you that you have a W.A.S.P. problem,"

"Wasp?" Mrs. Obregon asked.

"White Anglo Saxon Protestant. I know this is unbelievable, but they actually have sex for pleasure. By giving them free birth control, we may have done them a favor,"

"Protestants? In my house? Sex for p-" Mrs. Obregon fainted before she could finish her statement.

"Ok, Lamis, get her outside. I have a feeling this is going to get messy. Tania, help me in here," While Lamis dragged the limp Mrs. Obregon out of the house, the other two set up the traps, "We're going to have to use drastic measures to flush them out,"

"Poison?" Tania asked.

"No, they probably have a filtration system, besides, anything that'll kill them will kill the rightful residents as well," She began setting up little black boxes on all of the walls, "This will drive them out just fine, and it's mostly harmless. Get your pack on and get ready to catch as many as you can. They're gonna flood out," They wore vacuums attached to massive backpacks. Once they were all set up, they braced themselves.

"So, what are the boxes?" Tania asked.

"You'll see," She flipped a switch and heavy bass boomed through the house. It had a nice beat and it drowned out the W.A.S.P. music (Tania said it was 'Cemetery Gates' by Pantera, Dezba took her word for it) Before long pale pinkish bodies were flooding out of various holes in the walls retreating from the boom of "Many Men" by Fiddy Cent playing on the speakers. There were wails of confusion and anger, but they were soon drowned out by the sound of the vacuums as they sucked up as many as they could nab. Some attempted to retreat back into the walls, "Don't let them get away!" Dezba stomped down on a crowd nearing a hole. Tania nodded and followed her lead. They were having way more fun than they should grinding the tiny things into the ground. Dezba told her parents it was all about taking something back for her people, but Tania had the right of it earlier. It felt good in ways that it shouldn't. When they were done, the new carpet was a mess (the company would cover the cost of cleaning), Tania’s boots no longer looked new, and the hems of their jumpsuits ranged from pink to dark red. Aside from what they killed, they must have captured hundreds. When all of the confusion cleared, Tania reached back to the now heavy, wiggling bag on her back.

"What will happen to them?"

"Officially? They are 'relocated', but unofficially, after our 'humane extraction process' the bags are just taken to the clean room," Dezba said.

"Clean room?"

"Yeah, about half of the critters in this bag are probably dead, many of the others are badly mangled. The fan blades for the vaccum really do a number on them. The clean room is where we take the bags to be washed out. All of it goes down a big drain, that leads to who knows where,"

Before Tania could respond, they heard a shrill cry from the ground. About ten holdouts finally charged forward, armed with sewing needles and tiny homemade guns. Dezba sighed and flipped the switch on her vaccum, but the full bag alert went off. Tania was a bit more fortunate, and managed to suck all but three up. The remainders made a break for a hole in the wall, but the two girls caught them easily enough and tossed their weapons away.

"Hey look, it's that one from earlier," Dezba said pointing to one of them she had in her hand, "Or at least I think it is. They all look the same to me,"

"You'll pay for what you did to Charlotte," He yelled as he pounded with all of his pathetic might against her hand.

"Who?" Dezba was genuinely puzzled for a few seconds, before it finally clicked, "Oh, it had a name? I didn't know you still bothered with those,"

"You think you can just barge in here and murder this many people without repercussion? We've alerted the Housing Authority. You will go before the judge for this," The tiny man said.

"There are only two people in this room right now, and if I were you, I'd choose my words with either of them more carefully," Dezba said with a wicked grin, "Hey, Tania, about that trick you learned in college. Care to show it to me?"

"Sure, I've got time. We're going home right after this right? I don't know that I can work another house until I've scratched my itch (if you know what I mean)"

"Yeah, this was our last call," Debza said as she handed the tiny to Tania, "Just a quick stop at the clean room, then we're done for the day,"

"I don't know what you're up to, but you won't get aw-" The tiny thing said before Tania shoved him into her mouth. She smiled with her teeth together to keep him trapped. Dezba could see his little fingers between Tania’s incisors trying to pry them apart. Tania raised her eyebrows, then the fingers between her teeth vanished and her taste buds could be seen pressing through the gaps. With one quick motion, she swallowed, and then opened her mouth wide to show Dezba that it was empty.

The remaining two began to scream and flail around more frantically than earlier, "Now you try it," Tania said with a smile.

"I don't know," Dezba said.

"Come on. Just this once. I won't bother you about it again," Tania said.

Dezba sighed, "Since we're here, I guess I might as well," She slowly brought the one in her hand to her mouth. He kicked and fought, but she dropped him on her tongue and drew him in easily. She had to hold it in her mouth for longer than Tania in order to build up enough saliva to bring it down. She was surprised to find that she enjoyed the feeling of him fighting and scraping around in her mouth. The fact that he thought he could get out and still had hope was exciting. Despite her earlier reservations, she had to admit she was very excited. When she figured she had sufficiently lubricated the creature, she swallowed hard. She could feel its struggles the whole way down, but tried to keep her cool about it, "Not bad. Not bad,"

Tania was popping the last one in her mouth, just as Lamis and Mrs. Obregon reentered the house. She smiled sheepishly before swallowing. Mrs. Obregon looked confused. Lamis ran back out of the house. They could hear her retching through the walls. They didn’t know if it was from seeing Tania eat one or the blood everywhere.

"Ok, Mrs. Obregon. We've taken care of the majority of the problem. Just in case there are a few holdouts, keep the speakers up for about a week. If you see any more, feel free to call us. There's no extra charge. It's considered part of the same treatment," Dezba said.

"Thank you. I appreciate all you've done for us," Mrs. Obregon said, still giving Tania a funny look.

"Don't worry about the carpets," Dezba said, "Our guy should be in tomorrow to take care of that as well," Mrs. Obregon looked down, noticing the mess for the first time and winced. They headed out the door before she could say anything else.

"Do you really think what it said was true? Can they take us to court?" Tania asked.

"Not that it's anywhere near the same thing, but Dred Scott, a slave, sued his owner for his freedom, and certain tribes sued the U.S. government when their land was taken away; but neither case was successful," Dezba said.

"Because white people have better lawyers?" Tania asked.

"Because you can't sue someone who owns the court system and win," Dezba said, “Those kinds of cases never have a chance,”

They threw their wiggling bags into the back of the van and jumped in. When Lamis had cleaned up, she climbed in as well, “I’ve been thinking, and, I’m not sure I can do this,” She said.

“No kidding,” Dezba said. Lamis’s jumpsuit was still clean.

“It just doesn’t seem right,” Lamis said. She was near tears, “I’ll put in my two weeks notice, but I don’t even know if I’ll make it through that,”

Dezba sighed. Some people just didn’t get it.

They drove back to the clean room in silence.