The name is Jeff Manley. And, I used to be a stuntman/bodyguard. But, nowadays, the body being guarded is mine.
What am I talking about? Well, in case you've been living with Amish missionaries on a South Pacific island, for the last twelve months, I'm talking about how I was SHRUNKEN DOWN TO SIX INCHES IN HEIGHT BY A CRAZY GOTH-PUNK B***H!
Sorry about that. The subject is still a touchy one with me. What makes it all the worse is that I wasn't even the intended target. Rock star Gwen Stefani was! I simply took the hit for her.
And, now, I was in her custody. Accompanying her on her "Love/Angel/Music/Baby" tour.
At the end of every concert, she'd give a brief recap of what had happened during the videotaping of "Ain't No Hollaback Girl." Then, she'd have one of the high school drill team dancers from the video carry me out on a pillow (like the Crown Jewels of England), and introduce me as "my little hero."
What made it twice as embarrassing for me was a jumbo trinitron having to be used so even the fans in the first row could see me!
In between concerts, I would surf the web on a laptop that Gwen (she insisted on being called by her first name, now) had bought for me. I was trying to find out if anything like this had ever happened before. But, the closest thing I could find, on the subject of shrunken men, was a list of websites specializing in what could only be described as...erotic science fiction.
I remember shaking my head in disbelief at one particular title.
" 'THE MAN FROM M.A.C.H.O.?' What kind of sexist idiot would write crap like this?"
Two months into the tour, I got the bad news. The green stuff responsible for shrinking me had been confiscated by the LAPD, and turned over to the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia. Popularly known on the Internet as "gunk," it had been tested on lab rats and rhesus monkeys. And, as expected, each and everyone of them had been reduced to the size of mice and chipmunks!
Unfortunately, despite all kinds of analysis and monitoring, no way had yet been found to restore the size of those animals. In other words? It looked like I was stuck this way for good.
At that moment, I thought that was the worst news I could possibly hear. Ohhhhhh, brother!
Was I wrong!