Tuesday nights were thankfully quiet, giving Viv little to do besides mop the floor and dream of different ways she could kill Lana. At 10:00pm sharp, she closed up the cash register, ready to tuck into some Trader Joe’s stir-fry and 5 episodes of Suits.

Shit, she realized, approaching the door. Didn’t Candi say I had Bespokes to unbox? Her entire body groaning, she headed into the store’s backroom.

“Bespokes” meant Bespoke Pleasures, a high-end brand of exotic specialty toys. Viv couldn’t imagine how half their products were even meant to be used — that five-headed starfish dildo was a particular puzzler — but they had enough of a niche audience in town for Candi to keep buying more.

Candi was a shrewd saleswoman but not so experienced with the business management side of things, as evidenced by her cluttered office. Around 15 feet by 15 feet, its space was filled with office supplies, tables stacked with old bills, and more chairs than the store’s two-person staff could possibly necessitate.

Today, they had gotten new boxes from the Monstrous series, Bespoke’s line of oversized dildos inspired by giant mythological creatures. They were all far too large for the human body, obscuring their use case, but in their own odd way they made Viv feel reassured. She couldn’t make them fit, but nobody else could, either. Definitely not Lana. A slight smirk crept across Viv’s face as she got to unboxing.

There were only four packages, but they took up an entire table:

- THE UNICORN, a thick 18-inch horn of creamy silicone that only grew thicker as it spiraled downwards. Unicorns themselves aren’t monstrous, per se, but good luck getting past the first few inches.

- THE CYCLOPS. Apart from the whole eye situation, cyclopses are just humans but bigger, and the design reflected that. A bulbous tip sat atop a six-inch-wide base that ran down nearly two feet before meeting two orange-sized balls.

- THE DRAGON. This was a gargantuan, gnarly beast, sporting multi-sized rows of smooth crimson spikes that ran down its base. Six inches thick and five times as tall, Viv couldn’t think of any use for it outside of exotic roleplay. At least the Cyclops would make a good gag gift.

And then there was THE KRAKEN.

It was actually the most utilitarian of the lineup, beginning with the pointy, somewhat narrow tip of a suctioned purple tentacle. But as you slid down the tentacle, it grew, and grew, and grew — slowly expanding outwards along its absurd four-foot length until it arrived at a twelve-inch-thick base.

Viv cringed at the thought of something that could literally split her in half. She wasn’t even sure how she’d get it out of the box. With an awkward hug, she tried lifting the four-foot-tall package. It was much, much heavier than she’d imagined, and as she slid it off the table it pulled her down to the ground with it. The two landed with a thud.

Getting up with a groan, Viv noticed one last box that had been hidden behind the Kraken. It was much smaller than the rest: slender and skinny, roughly the size of her forearm. It carried the Bespoke logo, but beside it was another logo reading AUDUS — along with a bright yellow sticker reading “PROTOTYPE.”

Candi had told her about this — sex toy makers often sent out early models to store owners for them to “test drive”. Better let the boss take care of this one, Viv thought, though she turned the package over anyway.

THE SPELLCASTER

The grandeur of the name was laughable given the photo underneath — a skinny, twig-like brown rod that her grandmother could probably snap in half. It would have been right at home in a Harry Potter porn parody.

This state-of-the-art pleasure device uses machine-learning technology to perfectly fulfill every user’s desires, ensuring no one is left unsatisfied.

No one, huh?, thought Viv with a sad smile. Somehow, she was sure even this twig would be too big for her.

Although… it did look pretty skinny. And wasn’t Audus that company making AI-assisted smart speakers up in the Bay Area? Her aunt owned one of their bark-activated dog food bowls. Viv doubted such a large corporation would partner up with a niche sex toy brand if they weren’t 100% confident in what they were doing.

Maybe it is time to take a bigger role around here, Viv thought.

Carefully peeling off the tape, she unopened the box to find the slender stick from the illustration. It looked like… a slender stick, dark brown with slight intentional bends along its length. But more importantly, it was slender like a stick — maybe half an inch at its widest. Slender like something that could fit Viv.

Maybe there’s a button or something, she thought, reaching to pull the stick from its styrofoam case — but the instant she touched it, its surface burst into a sea of bright iridescent blues, coating the dim room in its light. Viv squinted. Batteries included, I guess.

After double-checking the store’s door was locked, she returned to the backroom, hopped into her boss’s comfy swivel chair and slid down her pink shorts. She had gone so long without sex that the thought of a toy that could even potentially pleasure her was making her insatiably horny.

And yet as she grabbed the Spellcaster in her hand, her anxiety was giving her pause. What if even this didn’t fit? That crooked surface scared her. How was she even meant to work this? Audus made smart speakers — was she supposed to talk to it?

“Hey,” Viv said. The Spellcaster said nothing.

A hot summer night and here she was, trying to talk to a stick. She had never felt more pathetic in her life. Just put it in, you coward.

As if magnetically controlled, her hand overcame her own fears, slowly guiding the Spellcaster towards her already-wet lips. Her body needed to fuck badly, her own tolerance be damned. She thought to stroke herself with it first, but her libido was too impatient for foreplay.

Here goes nothing.

“Nnnngh.” Viv felt a jolt of pain and clenched her teeth. The first inch felt thick — embarrassing Viv, given how comedically skinny it was.

But it also felt… good. The glowing blue surface seemed to warm to her own body temperature instantly. She slid in another inch, expecting to wince. Yet her pussy hungrily gripped the Spellcaster, sending constant waves of pleasure to Viv’s mind.

Through the bliss, she could almost feel vibration. Weird, she thought — it wasn’t doing that before.

She held the Spellcaster in place, intending to take things easy, but her pussy’s needs won over and within seconds she had slid in a third inch. She let out a small moan. Fuck. When was the last time she felt this good?

A fourth inch and her moans grew louder. “Never,” Viv panted, answering her own question out loud. “I’ve never felt… this good…”

A gentle hand began rocking the Spellcaster back and forth, and the spots of blue began shifting in response, as if trying to predict her next move.

“Mmmnnn… I wish every toy…”

The humming increased, now audible. Viv’s hand sped up. They were the same piece of machinery, working together to bring her to the same beautiful goal.

“…mmmmNnnn…fit me…”

Those waves of pleasure felt like they could capsize boats now. Viv had never reached orgasm, but she could tell she was getting close.

“…like this…”

ZAP.

“FUCK!,” Viv yelled in literal shock, yanking the toy out from her. The stick had just electrocuted her. “Fucking prototype,” she growled, kicking it across the floor. It left a visible snail trail she knew Candi would notice, but she’d deal with that later. She still had to put the rest of the Bespokes out.

But now it was impossible for her to focus. That stupid toy had left her blue-balled, or whatever the XX-chromosome equivalent was.

How much was that employee discount again…?