Of course Ridgecrest University ended their school year later than everyone else.

Of course every other summer job in Shelby Beach in had been taken by the time Viv got home.

And of course Tiny Pussy Primrose wound up working at the only adult toy store in town.

Vivian Primrose blew the dust off a silicone dick. It’d be a bit more embarrassing if anyone was watching, but Candi’s Shoppe thankfully lacked storefront windows, and business wasn’t exactly booming most Tuesday afternoons. Wiping the dildo clean with her rag, the 20-year-old sat it back down on its shelf with a plop.

One penis down, hundreds to go. The tiny, velvet-walled boutique somehow fit more dicks than a frathouse.

Wiping down another, Viv impatiently eyed the store clock. Just a few more hours and she’d be free — free to sit in her childhood bedroom and watch Netflix alone all night. Some fucking summer this was turning into.

How had her social life come to this? She was cute. She had curves in all the right places — C-cups, a nice round ass, hips that looked especially wide on her 5’2 body. For most of high school, she had all the positive attention she could ask for.

She almost had Jake Dodson.

Viv had started dating the lacrosse player senior year. As horny as she had always secretly been, she had been saving her virginity for a guy like him — nice car, handsome face, massive dick.

Too massive, it would turn out. She had heard it was normal for girls to bleed during their first time, but he couldn’t even slide inside of her. As much as she needed his cock, his tip alone felt like sheer torture. So they waited a week and tried again.

And again. And again. She just couldn’t fit him.

Viv was the one to break things off. It was a pre-emptive strike; he hadn’t texted her in three days, so she knew something was coming. But what the fuck was wrong with her pussy? Maybe she just needed some experience with smaller guys. The last year of high school was the perfect time to be a slut, anyway. And so she started sleeping around — or trying to, at least.

Rick Arles from the swim team. She tried riding his chlorine-soaked dick in the locker room after practice. He was too big, too.

Gabe Cruz. They tried fucking at a party and then he ran off to flirt with Molly Nilsson when he realized he couldn’t fit.

Brian Davis. Fucking Microdick Davis couldn’t fit his penis inside of her.

And then, Viv recused herself from the dating scene altogether. She acted as if it was her choice, like she had become a born-again virgin (though she was still a literal virgin, technically speaking).

But by then it was too late. The legend of Tiny Pussy Primrose had been born.

Men yelled out “TPP” when Viv walked through the hallway as if they had just spotted Bigfoot. At least a dozen asked her to sign it in their yearbooks.

And now Tiny Pussy Primrose was back in town, working full-time at a shop that sold foot-long dongs. What could be more embarrassing?

“Don’t forget the statue!” her boss Candi yelled from the backroom. Viv’s eyes turned to the five-foot granite penis at the front of the store.

Right. That would be more embarrassing. She squirted her rag and reluctantly got to work on the polished stone, starting with a bulbous tip that stretched wider than her hips.

The one saving grace of this job had been that none of her former classmates would see her. Gen Z got all their sex toys on Amazon or those cheap Chinese sites. All Viv had to deal with were kinky boomers and quirky lesbian couples.

And then Lana Camden found out.

Lana was one of the prettiest girls in Viv’s class, one of the richest and, as typically follows, one of the bitchiest. There had been a period of maybe three weeks in senior year where Viv thought she had finally earned her approval. That’s when Lana slept with Gabe Cruz, who doubtlessly told her Viv’s secret — and less than four days later, the entire school knew what “Tiny Pussy Primrose” meant.

Viv and Lana didn’t speak after. Viv didn’t dare look Lana in the eye after. But when Lana and her clique managed to sneak up on her, she’d always whisper the same poison-tipped words into Viv’s ear:

Hey, Primrose.

And now somehow, fucking somehow, the bitch had found out where she worked. Poor little Tiny Pussy Primrose, making minimum wage selling the cocks she knew she could never handle. How could a demon like Lana resist? She started making visits to the store around 6:00pm, often with friends but increasingly solo, always making a point to pick out one of the biggest dildos they had— as if to say, look what I can fit.

Viv looked at the clock again. 5:34. T-Minus 26 minutes until that bitch found some new way to ruin her entire evening.

No. Not today. The moment she walked in, Viv would tell her to fuck off and that would be that. Her boss would back her up. It didn’t matter if Lana had become one of Candi’s most reliable customers. Right?

Ring-a-ding.

“Hey, Primrose.”

It was the mother of all jumpscares. Viv spun around to see Lana, her evil grin spread wider than usual. She had caught her favorite loser wiping clean a 60-inch dick.

“H-hi.”

The 5’7 bombshell strutted over to the statue, genuine Goyard bag in hand. Normally a place like this would be beneath her, but she was clearly deriving some sort of erotic pleasure from torturing Viv. Besides, she had never hidden how much she loved to fuck.

“Mmmm. He’s big, isn’t he?,” she giggled, face to face with Viv as she gave the massive phallus a bear hug. “Think they grabbed him off some poor ol’ statue?”

“…I don’t know.” Viv took her rag and tried finding something else to dust.

“You don’t know? I thought you were the expert now,” she said, touching every piece of phallic merchandise as she stalked her prey through the store. Her skinny fingers spun through a carousel of erotic birthday cards.

“Anyhoo, my parents are in Salzburg for the weekend, so I figured it’s a good time to load up,” she said, as if she didn’t stop by every single day. She stopped by a rubber mannequin, using her hands to present his 8-inch rubber member like she was a QVC host. “What do you think? Could something like this make me happy?”

“I’ll ring you up,” muttered Viv, avoiding eye contact as she made her way behind the counter.

Lana gave a mock gasp. “Trying to rush to me along? You’re in retail, Primrose. You should know your job is to…”

She walked her fingers along a shelf to an even larger cock — 10 inches tall, 2.5 inches thick, with a tiny dial dangling off of it that controlled its vibration.

“…upsell.” She gripped its head tight, then gingerly swung it onto the counter.

Viv was ready to erupt. There was no fucking way Lana could fit that up her cunt. It didn’t matter how many stupid jocks she—

Ring-a-ding. Someone else walked in.

Lana rolled her eyes. “Jake! I told you to stay in the carrr.”

Jake Dodson.

She was fucking Jake Dodson?

“The A/C was off and you had the keys,” the 6’5 lacrosse player said, sweating. “I keep telling you, it gets really— oh. Hey, Viv.”

“H-hey, Jake,” replied Viv, already on the verge of tears.

“Sorry about my boyfriend,” Lana said with a giggle, wrapping an arm around his sweaty Adidas tee.

BOYFRIEND?

Jake hunched down to kiss Lana’s lips. Viv’s watery eyes strained open.

Don’t blink. Don’t let this bitch see you cry.

But the beast had had her fill. “I think we better be going,” Lana whined to Viv with a fake pout. “He gets impatient.”

She flicked the dong on the table with her pinky and, giving a final sinister smirk towards Viv, dragged Jake out of the store. “See you, Viv,” said Jake before he could be sucked back into the sunlight.

But Viv was frozen. What could she say? What can anyone say when the heartless bitch who ruined your life returns to twist the knife one last time?

She wished Jake would at least have the sense not to date that cunt. But what was the point of wishing? There were no shooting stars in this world, anyway.

CLANK! Something dark and tiny slammed the glass counter with the force of a meteorite. Viv leapt back.

It was a store key.

“Wife slipped on our dumbass son’s Legos. Gonna need you to close tonight,” Candi said, not even looking at her employee through her thick Gucci shades as she marched for the door.

Improbably, “Candi” was her birth name, though it likely in no small part inspired her uncle to leave her his adult store in his will. (That and her ten-year stripper career.) But that was the oddest thing about her, and the 34-year-old had been a pretty good boss to Viv, all things considered.

Well… except when she had more important matters to attend to. She snapped her gum as one would their fingers to get Viv’s attention. “Viv.”

Viv looked up from the key. “Huh? Yeah. Closing,” she nodded, right before remembering she had no clue what that entailed. “Um, Candi, I’ve never—“

Candi sighed, and even through her shades Viv could tell she was rolling her eyes. “The front door’s got a lock. You lock it. Oh, we also got some new Bespokes to unbox in the back.”

Viv nodded, but her boss sensed something was off. She took off her shades, putting them in her purse. “Viv. You been crying?”

“No! No,” Viv lied through a swollen throat. “It’s funny, I, um, I got that new black cherry lube on my fingers, and then I rubbed my eyes with those fingers, and I’m probably allergic, and, um…” She wiped a tear before realizing it contradicted her alibi. “And now I’m obviously making it worse, huh?”, she said with an anxious laugh.

“How’d black cherry lube get on your hands?,” Candi asked, her tone suddenly accusative.

“Oh, I wasn’t using it for me— there was this customer who—“

Candi laughed, obviously messing with her. “Relax, Viv. I’m not a cop. Well, not since that one summer I worked bachelor parties.”

Viv tried faking a laugh of her own through obvious sniffles. “Okay, but I wasn’t, um— using anything.”

Candi smiled. “I know. You should get yourself something. Learn about the merchandise. Customers love it when you know about the merchandise.” Viv blankly nodded along. “I told you about that employee discount, right? 60%. That’s a damn good discount, Viv. I’m losing money.”

“Oh, I know. It’s just that even with the scholarship, I’ve got this car I’m trying to pay off, and—“

“I get it. Still, you gotta treat yourself more.”

“Right.” Viv still hadn’t told Candi about her… situation. But what good was an adult store employee who couldn’t even handle a silicone microdick? Besides, it was nice having someone in town who saw her as normal.

“And hey, let me know if that whole poly-sci-whatever thing doesn’t work out,” said Candi, putting her shades back on as she exited the store.

“I could really see you taking on a bigger role around here.”