Why the fuck was I sent here anyway? I don’t need this at all. My girlfriend isn’t the brightest, but man, she is dominating! I mean she does this stuff too sometimes.. I am at my fifth meeting for Alcoholics Anonymous. I swear that I’m only here because I messed up her favorite dress. I didn’t even know that was so! She expects because she finds it to be pretty.. that obviously the rest of the world will assume that is her FAVORITE DRESS!
I just sit around and listen to other people moan and bitch about their problems. Not too many really want to be here.. and those who do, I feel bad for them, it usually means they fucked up big time! Sometimes luck just bites in you in the ass..
I haven’t said anything at all yet. The group leader, John Walter, is way too obsessed with religion. Walter tells us that if we all devote ourselves to God then maybe our alcoholism will go away.. if it was meant to be.. or some shit like that. Complete crap! I have been raised an atheist and I’m not about to change my views because some girl cried about her dress.
Walter made this thirty year old woman cry because he told her that her parents would be ashamed of her activities if they were still alive. Walter thinks that by being a dick.. everyone else will caress and rub him till he comes with so much self-gratification. He’s just pathetic and has a short fuse.
Walter speaks with this loud and somewhat fake Southern accent, he was born in Michigan like most of us here. Walter is 5’6 with red hair and probably weighs at least 200 pounds.. the guy has done a good job making himself big, if that was his goal.
Walter says in this loud slow voice, “Now we shall start the AA meeting! Last week, we have learned so much! So many of us become dependent on the bottle, whether this is due to peer pressure or the need to escape, this addiction is ruining all of your lives! Who wants to start by telling us about your progress?”
A man raised his hand. He was a tall blonde man who looked like he was around twenty-five. You often think of these cocky anchormen with their flashy smiles when you think of a guy like him but he just seemed desperate to get out of here. He was one of the guys I felt bad for, he wasn’t much of a drinker himself (certainly drank less than I did, and still do, on a regular basis). I heard his story the first week, he drove a couple of his drunk friends home and crashed into another car for being too slow on the brake. Nobody was injured.. except both the cars had to go into intensive repair. He didn’t go to jail, just was sent to these meetings.
The man said, “I have been making more progress this week, Mr. Walter. I still hang out with my drinking buddies all the time but the pressure for me to partake in such an activity has been gone since I joined here last week, sir. I plan to be a waste of space.”
Walter said, “Very good, Mr. Kaplan. However, you still need to attend your six remaining meetings. Do you believe in a Higher Power, Max?
Max responded, “Yes, I do. My family has been devoted to Lutheranism for generations. I would never dream of abandoning my religion, sir.”
Walter said, “Well, well.. we know that tradition keeps you on that path. But do you truly believe in such a Higher Power? Don’t you know that God is watching down on you right now, paying attention to every one of your moves? He will know if you are lying to me.. thou shalt not lie, as the Good Lord says!”
Max said quickly, “Um..yes.. I do.”
Walter bellowed, “SCREAM IT OUT!!!”
Max belowed back, “I BELIEVE IN A HIGHER POWER!! SIR!! THE GOOD LORD DOES NOT WANT US TO DRINK ALCOHOL IN COPIOUS AMOUNTS, SIR!! THAT IS WHY GOD HAS MADE OUR BODIES REACT IN MANY STRANGE WAYS DUE TO TOO MUCH ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES! EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD WAS MADE BY GOD! ”
Walter said, “Very good, Mr. Kaplan.”
I think Max got the guy fooled.

Yet again, I didn’t bother to say anything. Knowing the kind of guy he is, Walter probably thinks he got me scared. It’s better that way.. I have been “taking notes”. I even drew comics about me without alcohol, it mostly involves me getting high. Ha ha! I might as well go do that with some guys to celebrate my relevation that alcohol isn’t good for me. Thank you, Mr. Walter!

I drove back to Pearlman College. It’s a decent place.. I wouldn’t exactly call it a Harvard or Duke, but it gets its job done. Some of the best parties I have ever been to were on this campus. I’ll take a C or two to have a good time. I go to my dorm room and see one of my roommates, Chester, “Here Comes the Sun”, on his guitar. One of his favorite hobbies is to sit by the window and play. I don’t mind, Chester is pretty good.

I called out, “Yo, Chester! Doing anything tonight?”
Chester stopped playing his guitar and said, “Dude, how are those meetings goin’ for you?
I said, “Great! In fact to celebrate, I say that we should get high with a couple of buddies.”
Chester laughed, “Great way to celebrate, Rick! Great way! You know I got my shrooms under my bed.. this is going to be easy.”

We congregate in the woods outside our dorm building. There are four of us.
It is me, Chester, Andrew, and Roger. We were probably one of many groups of people smoking right now. However, they are some of the best people to smoke with. Chester and I are the two fuck-ups of the group in many ways. Both of us are too scared to care about anything too important, so we just try to have fun. Chester is less of a fuck-up since he is a musical genius, not the best, but good enough that he can get a pretty sweet job. All I really did with my life is win a high-school Scrabble tournament.. that stuck it to those high-brow classmates with their showy words they don’t really understand.I definitely just got lucky there... beating six people in a day at Scrabble. I guess it just runs in the family. However, I always have been kind of obsessed with numbers to tell the truth.
Andrew is a genius in many ways. He is extremely book-smart but still manages to be fun to hang around with. He has accomplished a lot in high school, but today just hangs around with us. Great influeneces! Andrew turned down schools such as Dartmouth, Duke, and Cornell to come here since he’s a Perlman Scholar.
I wouldn’t have done that.. for the most part, Perlman is filled with dumbasses. Andrew admitted that he knew that before he came here. Andrew also comes from a pretty wealthy family, he can afford college. He’s from New Jersey, a state which Perlman is simply known as an “alright school with high-quality academics”. People who get the Perlman scholarship in my area usually turn it down. One of my best friends, who was two grades above me, got the Perlman scholarship. He just laughed and never gave it a second thought..he didn’t even get into the places Andrew got into. You have to get rejected by Ann Arbor and Madison before you take any dinky scholarship from there...you gotta love those naive Northeasterners.
Roger is funny, laid-back, and apathetic like the rest of us. Roger was the only one I actually went to school with. He is a football player and pretty good at it, but he apparently wasn’t good enough to be recruited by University of Michigan. However, ever since Roger matriculated at Perlman, its football team has actually been doing alright. Maybe soon we will be a Division I school.. that would be sweet.. think about it! Perlman’s acceptance rate would go down like a zillion percent..

We all just lie down on the ground and start smoking the ganja we have. Nights like these are what remind me that life is worth living. I listen as one of them starts screaming, “FOREST FIRE! LET US BURN ALL THE CUTE FUZZY ANIMALS DOWN TO THE FUCKING GROUND!!” That was Andrew, he gets crazy often when he gets high and we love him for that. I get up a little bit and see a little flame go off. We think, “Wouldn’t it be funny if we didn’t put it out?”. I decided, “Fuck it.”, and blew the flame out while it was small.

I said, “No way in Hell am I going to one of these “Potheads Anonymous”, or whatever the fuck it is they have..”
Chester said, “Why not, dude? You would find a lot of buddies to get ripped with.. I swear that this shit has been making me smarter, man! It really has.. I can transfer the fuck out of here if I wanted to.. but I love you guys too much.”
Roger says, “Hopefully in a gay way!”, and starts laughing.
We all laugh at that.. stupid Roger. We all know he is a closet homosexual, he just fucks chicks because they think he’s a “cutie” or something like that.
I swear, he’s just going to rape one of us someday..
We all just keep getting high till the sun rises.

I laugh and say, “Who of us is going to class?” Chester said, “Yo dude.. I am totally smart now, hah hah!”
I then hear someone say, “Varrick.. you better be going to class today! I am sick and tired of being your caretaker, but I’m not about to let you screw up your life like this!”. I wish I never told that bitch that story of my actual first name.. she uses it every time she’s pissed at me. Yes, this is my girlfriend Holly. Holly has the exterior of a beautiful blonde but the interior of a bald, sad, old cranky man.
I said, “What’s the point, honey.. I am too high to learn anything today anyway.”
Holly said, “We need to get you off your habits.”
I said, “Not a big deal.. I’m just hanging out with my best friends.”

Chester then said, “If you are two are breaking up or anything like that, I’d totally fuck you.”
Holly said, “No, it’s okay Chester.. we just wouldn’t be-.”
Chester said, “No no, I wasn’t talking about you. I was talking about Varrick here.”
This broke the tension and the four of us start laughing.

Holly grabbed me by the arm and said, “We are going to have to talk privately tonight.” She left.

Roger said, “Ganja says you’re a liar, man.. you totally have the hots for that dummy.”
Chester said, “What kind of chick wouldn’t be able to resist a guy who can play a guitar?”
Andrew said, “It destroyed my chance at Prom last year.. probably was the fact that I wasn’t looking at her face enough too.”
I said, “You know though that is a tradition for real men. Real men get the best chicks. Your skills are perfect for that.”

Chester said, “Yea.. we were all as high as fuck when we met that chick. It’s the pussy who stays with her.”
I then asked, “Have you ever put in a deposit with her?”

Roger said, “Of course.. that bitch gave me AIDS.”
Chester said, “Must be a bank for pussies! I have the greatest idea, I think I will rather so write a song about this occasion!”
Andrew said, “For Rick, the biggest cunt in all of Perlman!”
We all laughed at that. That statement was far from true..

Roger said, “Wow.. just to think that today I have to go all the way to Georgia to play football against Emory.”
Andrew commented, “You guys should win that!”
I said, “You don’t know fucking Perlman, dude.. they could get Tom Brady and they would still find some way to mess up.”
Andrew responded, “You know.. I was accepted to Emory but chose this lovely school instead.”
Chester said, “And we all laugh at you for that.. most of us don’t even think of applying to schools such as Em’ree..”

We each take another joint.. fuck everything.. at least I’m staying here today.

Later that day, Professor Kevin Donovan was working at the Perlman Physics Lab. A terribly underfunded laboratory, but with great minds such as his, it managed to do alright for itself. Donovan is tall- around 6’4. He was misanthropic by nature, but truly brilliant. Donovan’s speciality is quantum mechanics. His latest study was something crazy, in fact its origins were from a frat party. He kind of felt bad for the Perlman administration in that respect, many other universities would have told him to not waste his time on something so impossible. Thankfully this is looking to be less impossible...
Perlman, a new and lucky university, has been rising slowly.. very slowly though. Donovan wanted to see if he could manipulate atoms.. this would be a terrifying weapon if it worked. It would only be second to nuclear warfare.. Donovan was the only scientist who put a lot of effort into it. That didn’t matter to him.. his narrow-minded colleagues wouldn’t be able to stand his narrow-minded self anyway.
He had one faithful assistant, a young intern, named Amy Chipper, who was a graduate student at Ohio University. Amy is often like her last name, but working with Donovan has watered down that tendency a bit. Amy was spending a semester in Perlman on his crazy experiment. She believed that if this was going to get her a top research job after she gets her P.H.D.. then it was all worth it. Amy didn’t mind the weeks of isolation though.. most of the people at Perlman weren’t even worth talking to. Most were either potheads, dumb jocks, or elitists of average intelligence. Amy was currently working on a design for the machine which would fit this concept.

Professor Donovan called out, “Amy! I hope this time you have an appropiate design...” Amy responded, “Professor Donovan! I tried my best.. please don’t be disappointed.” Donovan sneered, “I have been told you are the one of the best who wanted to do this job.. but of course the brightest minds from my alma mater laughed and poked at me for my idea..” Amy said, “Um.. I found your idea to be kind of funny too, sir.” Donovan said, “Just show me the goddamn design.” Donovan looked at it..it had a 5’ by 5’ square base, a 4’ high cylinder and a long rotating ray which surrounded a metal rod, which controlled the ray’s height. Donovan said, “This will actually do.. it is not so big that the charge will be lost and not too small that it will be too weak. Good job, Ms. Chipper.” Amy smiled and said, “Thank you, Professor Donovan.” Donovan said, “Now, I understand that I have said you would be working with me for a semester, but I pretty much don’t have anything else for you to do. I will write you a letter of recommendation once you are looking for jobs and please get the hell out of here.. any more time in this place and your spirit will be broken!” Amy said, “Oh really? Are you sure?” Donovan said, “I have never been more sure of anything else in my life, Amy!”Amy said, “But.. I don’t have any classes till January, what do I do till then?” Donovan said, “I dunno.. drink beer, trash your house, whatever it is these college kids do.. if you need any advice on the matter, you can call my son, he’s a sophomore at Perlman.” Amy said, “It’s alright.. I don’t think I could.” Donovan laughed, “I was just implying that my son has lived more than you have and you are four years the elder! Now go! You have spent way too much time here..” Amy then left and said, “I hope your theory works, Professor Donovan.”

A talk with the girlfriend.. geez.. in her own dorm room. If her roommate is there, I swear that I would just flirt with her right in front of my girlfriend. I don’t think the roommate would mind. I haven’t drank any alcohol in six days.. just to please my stupid girlfriend. It’s over and I don’t care what she says!

Chester said, “Yo dude.. what are your plans tonight?” I replied, “I’m visiting Holly and I’m gonna stick some Ayn Rand up her ass.” Chester laughed and said, “Sure.. we all know that in Soviet Perlman, hotness control you!” I said, “Wanna go with me?” Chester said, “No way.. I spent a lot of money on this guitar. See ya later dude!” Chester was right of course, that was the only reason why I was staying with her..

I take the 5 minute walk, obsessively looking for left-behind goodies. All I could find was a smashed beer can.. I wasn’t even going to bother checking that. It started to rain as I approached the house.. damn it, this could be the worst night of my life!

I go up to the third floor and knock on the door. There is Holly, standing there and smiling. When she smiled, she looked like a goddess.. but no, I had to remember, she was my enemy now!
I ask, “Yo Holly.. how has your day been?”
Holly replies, “Alright, I guess. I got a fresh manicure and pedicure at the salon nearby.”
I laughed, “What happened to classes! Haha!”
Holly said, “I only had about an hour of classes today.. do the math.”
I said, “All the math in the world got me here!”
Holly said, “We have been dating for six months now, I want to know you better as a person.”
I said, “What the fuck does that even mean? Come on, think about what you just said for a minute! It’s not like I’ve been putting on a show for you or anything like that.”
Holly said, “I know.. but you get what I mean.”
I laugh, “No, seriously. I’m confused. John Walter says it’s because I don’t believe in a god. However, believing in a god still makes me confused and I don’t know why. Mr. Walter is so smart too.”
Holly replied, “Maybe if you would stop your habits, you would find your own path.”
I said, “What habits? One’s habits are another’s hobbies. Why should I give up my passions in life? Wouldn’t that make me despondent and lost, I would be so confused and sad and I’ll make John Walter shit in his pants and from what I understand, shit doesn’t smell very good.”
Holly scowled, “Can’t you just take me seriously for one minute?? I want to spend more time with you, I really want to get to know the real you.”
I said, “Well, I have been showing you the real me for six months. I run on drugs and I plan to keep it that way.”
Holly said, “Um.. but that’s not the way to be, you can get into so much trouble for that.”
I then said, “I’ve been on this path since the 7th grade.. I got arrested twice since then and I’m still here. Nothing that bad is going to happen, I’m telling you babe.”
Holly said, “That’s horrible! You have some issues...”
I said somewhat irritated, “If I’m too tough for ya, that’s it! I’m breaking up with you. I’m a very desirable man.. I can get any chick on this campus and you know that too. All you ever did was see me as a fucking status symbol and now you want to be the one who reforms that symbol.. it is your ticket to fame on this stupid campus. I have you figured out easily and I want you to keep your little puzzle as a theory. Goodbye!”

I just thought up of all of that on the top of my head..if she thinks she can change me though, then damn her! I felt like a jerk though when I heard her crying. Holly was crying and sniffing like I was entirely in the wrong.. she said, “I’m sorry Rick.. I just thought I could do a few things that would make you happier in life.. I just wanted you to be with me and this is what I get!”

The game of guilt.. damn it! I bolted out of there before I changed my mind. I rationalized, just because she gets a little tipsy so her friends won’t leave her, and I do it since I like it.. the whole world goes against me!

Kevin Donovan drove back to his apartment. These days, he lived alone. Kevin took a beer from the fridge as a pat on a back for a job well done. Five years ago, it was him, his wife, and his two sons. He hasn’t seen either of them in a few months.. when they visit, they stay with his wife, Nora. His kids were practically science experiments. He took an authoritative and cold style with his two kids, gave them the feeling that nothing was ever good enough. Both were probably on par with him intellectually, but no way Kevin was going to admit that. His kids reacted differently. The first one always studied and filled himself up with activites all the time, he was Valedictorian with a perfect test score and escaped by going to MIT. The second one made sure to stay away from home as much as possible, he spent all of his high school years playing. His grades were down the gutter and Kevin was very apathetic about that.. if he was like the first one, he would have made a big deal about how the second one only scored forty points below the first on the SAT. Got him into Perlman and Chicago.. Kevin promised to only have four beers.. that number quickly changed to fourteen. He passed out.

I ran out and my first plan was to text my three best buddies.. I told them “Party at Carter’s..”. Luckily for me, Holly lived right near Carter’s. The bad news was that the rain was still going on and I didn’t have an umbrella with me. Good thing, yet again, it was a minute walk. I walked in with a feeling of relief, no longer did I have to worry that Holly would be upset by my actions.
I walk in and immediately head towards the punch bowl table. I see a guy and a girl kissing right on the table. At least, it’s not getting in the way of it. I see some of my drinking buddies Steve, Luke, Rhonda, and Edna. None of them were dating each other.. many thought it was a strange co-ed drinking group, but I liked them.
Luke said, “Hey.. it’s been kinda strange not seeing you at these parties the past week, what happened?”
Edna responded, “The only possibility, I believed, was that you finally transferred out of here.”
I laughed, “No, no.. still a.. whatever the fuck our team is called.. the Ants.. or something gay like that.. haha! Yea, I’m making up for some lost time.”
Steve was looking at his cell phone and said, “Yo Rick! I’m sorry about the breakup you had with Holly but her roommate Amber is coming to this party.”
I said, “Haha! She’s gonna make this party a hell lot more fun!”
Rhonda whispered, “I’d watch out buddy.. from what I hear, she controls the man, not the man controls the woman.”
I whispered, “I think you’re ahead of me on those drinks.. haha! But I don’t mind, I like a challenge here and there.” I smile with anticipation and chug those drinks faster.
Out of the fifteen girlfriends I’ve had since the 7th grade, I don’t think I ever asked any out without being completely out of my mind with drunkeness. Everybody has a technique, that is mine. Even Saint Holly fell in love with my antics.

Right now, Amber simply knows me as the guy who helps her in Physics but has a lower grade than her since he doesn’t bother to hand in the problem sets, Perlman tests are cake though...they’ll bring me up to at least a B+ overall without any work.

Steve whispers, “Psst.. Rick.. I slept with Amber before.. she’s overrated.”
I attempt to punch his arm, feeling the cool air, and say, “Shut up..”
Steve said, “At least you are in the right state to have fun.”

Amber walks into the house alone. She’s a brunette who obviously spends a lot of time trying to look good. She seems taller than usual since she is wearing 4’ heels. Amber is short but has DD’s, which are real by the way.
Amber squeals, “What have I missed!! I’m so happy that there still is some vodka here!” She runs over to the bowl, a little tipsy already, and fills a whole glass.

I head towards the bowl and say, “We can probably finish this up pretty quickly, what do you say?” Amber says, “Of course. However, I think you misused a pronoun.. the sentence is going to be “I can probably finish this up pretty quickly.”.” I said, “Whatever you say.. you don’t even know who you’re talking to.” Amber said, “Yea, I do. Sweetie Varrick, the guy who let his girlfriend take him to an AA meeting.. if you were serious, you wouldn’t have attended.” I said, “But it’s kind of hard to compete with her.. I can only think of a few girls who can compete with Holly in bed.” Amber asked, “Like who?” I said, “Well, there is Leia, the foreign exchange student from France. She’s pretty cute. You can’t forget Ellie, a babe and a sweetie, she will practically do anything a guy asks her to. And there is..”
Amber said, “Hey! Ask just about any guy on campus! Leia is probably ridded with STD’s and Ellie.. well she’s not as cute when you take the beer goggles off.”
I said, “Dunno what’s that like! I always have them on.. I think I win this competition, unless you believe everything that people tell you.”
Amber laughed and said, “You know what.. I kind of see why things are going to work out the way they are going to.”
I said, “If we go to the same psychic.. we are both probably so fucked up.”
Amber said, “Ohh.. I’m not sure if this is who you are talking about, but Holly tells me that I’m going to be a fucking failure and I don’t like that at all.. it’s not like she’s a teetotaler or anything like that.”
I said, “Hmm.. maybe we can be fucking failures together.. emphasize the first f word!”
Amber and I have a few more drinks and then we go upstairs.

A week has passed. Kevin Donovan has finished his masterpiece. It is just like the movies. He stole a car, a Jetta, from some guy who is shitty at parking (well better for the other drivers..) and zapped it with his invention. He set it on 1/20 and the car grew smaller and smaller before his eyes. He picked up the car.. it fit comfortably in his hand . He felt the temptation to drop the car and let it smash and tell the guy, “I thought it was a toy.”. However, Kevin wasn’t quite ready to let any of these idiots have any knowledge of his invention. He laughs to himself, the one thing he would want to do with the invention is to enlarge all of his beer cans and create a pool. Swimming in beer and drinking it all.. it would be a great idea.. but the idea of drinking stuff which his body touched was kind of gross. Definitely just a pool, he would drink beer from a giant straw. His love for alcohol would become extreme! He wouldn’t have built this without it... Kevin decided to bring the car back to normal size and put it back in its parking space.

I was leaving my “British Poets” class with Andrew & Chester. We head towards the parking lot. Chester says, “Woah, Andy actually parked his car straight this time, way to go!” Andrew said, “Hmm.. I guess I did! I forgot what I did though.” I said, “Sorry Chester, it’s going to take some time.” We see this girl walk by, she has blond and curly hair. Besides that, there isn’t anything else distinct about her.
The girl said, “Hi.. do any of you have Dr. Donovan as a teacher?” I said, “No, and yea for that!”
It would suck if my dad was my Physics teacher.. knowing him, he isn’t very strict but spends his time openly making fun of all his pupils and making them feel like the little shits they are.. something my dad and I always had in common, except he is a better trained bastard.
The girl said, “Do you know anyone who does?”
I said, “Um.. my dumbass ex Holly does, I think. Why don’t you bother her in Ellison Dorm. It’s right behind you. She’s in room #331.”
She then said, “I thought you would know.. in fact, I thought you were him for a second.”
I said, “Um.. thanks, I guess.. I don’t know how to take that. But Dr. Donovan is my dad.”
She said, “Oh.. I think I’ll go then.”

Andrew then said, “No wait! I think I know where he is! I don’t have him as a teacher.. but I can take you to the Perlman Physics Department!”
She replied, “That’s alright.. I know where it is. I work there sometimes.”
Andrew responded, “Oh.. that’s alright then.. what’s your name?”
She said, “Amy, Amy Chipper. I’m here at Perlman for a research program.. but am getting my PHD from Ohio State.”
Andrew said, “I’m Andrew Ferni. I’m a freshman at Perlman and a Perlman scholar.”
Amy replied, “Oh, that’s cool. I was a Perlman scholar too but Cornell was too hard to pass up.”
Andrew said, “I see.. I made the opposite decision actually myself.”


Chester hollered, “Enough of the Perlman Scholar crap.. I want to watch “24”!”
Andrew said, “Jack Bauer may have little time to save the world but I have plenty of time to have a conversation.”

Amy said, “Oh.. I better be going. I must see Dr. Donovan as soon as possible. Nice meeting you though.”
Andy said, “One more thing.. can we swap cell phone numbers.. in case.. um you know!”
Amy giggled, “All right. If that’s what you wish..” They swapped numbers.
Amy ran off.

Chester said, “Woot, big blow to the Perlman Scholarship, haha! Who wants a education in cold New York when you can have it at cold Michigan??”
Andrew responded, “Everyone is entitled to his or her decision..”
I said, “So did you ask her out at all during this big conversation?”
Andrew said, “Stop being an ass, of course I didn’t.”
I said, “Yea.. her hair kind of creeps me out to tell you the truth.”

Andrew said, “I personally think it’s a nice style.. maybe some of it isn’t natural.. but it looks good on her.”
Chester said, “Nobody is as hot as Holly!! Haha!!”
I said, “Debatable..”
Chester said, “Well, you pick on Andy. I pick on you... I either need that big touchy-feely jock or Andy to pick one me now.”
Andy said, “Well you smoke so much pot a day that only a quarter of the smoke would fill up the big science building.”
Chester said, “Kinda funny.. but you gotta remember, I have the attention span of a mayfly.”
I looked at my watch and then realized I only had an hour or two to get ready for my date with Amber.
Chester then said, “Oh by the way, guess what I did again!”
I said, “No.. remember public urination is not a turn on!”
Chester laughed and said, “No no, but good guess!”

Andrew said, “Where do I start guessing?”
Chester said, “I didn’t do this when I was high..”
I suddenly knew, this has been Chester’s obsession for the past two years.

Chester was an alright student from Georgia who went to Exeter for boarding school. He put all of his money on the fact that he mastered the guitar, piano, violin, and clarinet. He applied to his favorite school early which put him on the waiting list till like a day before he went to Perlman.. the first year around, he tried to transfer.. no luck.

I said, “You sent in another transfer app to Brown..”
Chester said, “Yea, you got it! My grades may have not improved any.. but I got more music to send them! This will be the year I’ll get out of this hellhole.”
I said, “Just to warn you, man.. I went Ivy shopping with my family back in the day and not as many people do drugs there as you think.”
Chester said, “I realize that.. that’s why I didn’t write this essay high! The school’s gotta want a 1500 musical slacker.. that’s what I hear it’s all about.”
Andrew said, “Well, good luck though. You’ll be kinda disappointed once you get there.. that was the first school off my list.”
I said, “See.. this kid knows what he’s talking about.. choosing Perlman over Brown!”
Chester said, “Yea dudes.. are you all wanting to get the fuck out of here too?”
I said, “I wish.. I’ve been doing worse at Perlman though than I ever did at high school.. I’m going to be selling drugs on the street.”
Andrew then said, “That’s probably going to be true..”
I said, “I’m experienced in that area.. I created a monopoly in Fisher County. It’s a small price for fixing some family troubles we’ve been having at the time. I didn’t even have fixed prices for the drugs.. the dumber and richer the person, the more money that guy had to spend. It worked really well.”
Chester said, “Somebody is a Grade A bastard..”
I said, “I learned from the best... but it’s probably more so that most people are so easy to con. All you have to do is play to their “I’m the best” sensibilities.. you have a lot of them out there in Fisher.”
Andrew said, “I know the kind of people you’re talking about.. try New Jersey! A state which was tricked by the tactics of Perlman.”
Chester said, “Don’t believe US News! Brown is better than Harvard!!”

We all continued to walk back to the dorm.
We saw a huge crowd of people cheering and then ran over to it. They were cheering, “ROJ ROJ ROJ ROJ ROJ!!” Roger did something pretty good.

Roger saw us and ran over. He said, “The Perlman football team has beaten the one in Emory, for the first time ever!!” We all gave him high-fives. Roger said, “I think we are ready to play Michigan..”

Andrew said, “If you wanna see people cry, then yea!”
Roger said, “We Pillburgs will show our innate strength! I’m actually liking football here! In all seriousness, since we beat Emory pretty badly, the Michigan football coach called our school and he said that I may be able to get out of here next year.”
I said, “Wow! Congrats dude, that’s great! You always have been pretty sick at that sport.”
Roger said, “And of course, I’m going to take the offer if I get it that is... three years in Michigan baby! Everybody on the football team hates me though..”
Chester said, “They put the dumb loser in dumb loser jock.. don’t worry about it!”
Roger then said, “Yea, that’s true. Also Rick, I’m sorry to have to report this to you.. but Mitch’s got your old girl now.”
I said, “I don’t care.. she must think Mitch is funny..”
Andrew laughed, “I take back my other comment a week ago.. Mitch is the Biggest Cunt of Perlman! Mitch is going to be pushed around so much.”
I said, “But he’s so funny!”
Chester cried, “Too funny! Too funny! Holly is a hotty though!! Of course he will be so funny..”
That was a phrase Holly once used a lot to describe me.. “so funny”, I could make her laugh throughout the whole date with my crazy ideas. Mitch is as boring as fuck but he’s also obnoxious so he will probably be considered “so funny”.

Amber was going to be over here any minute. I was actually going to try to look decent. We both viewed each other as attractive, but still that is more so the reason to why I should put in the effort. We were both extremely experienced. I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, I was actually kind of nervous. This date couldn’t possibly beat the one at Carter’s last week. But it was Chester smoking a joint..

Chester said, “My man is goin’ out with a hottie with fake breasts!! I’m getting high with my imaginary girlfriend, Suzie, tonight!”

“Hey Chester, you really are making me envy your plans for the night!”. Amber has arrived.
Chester said, “I know.. everything’s more fun when you’re a little high.”
I said, “You know, Amber.. we can get pretty high with our goals tonight!”
Amber giggled and said, “I would never forget that, Ricky. Never!”
Amber was ready to kiss me, so we did, right there! We huddled in together and it was great. She gave my tongue enough room to caress her and she was very gentle and erotic with me. To put it bluntly, Amber is a great kisser.


Amber and I decided to go fancy tonight, we decided to eat at Stella’s. It is an Italian restaurant which is famous for its unique pasta dishes. We walk over to the parking lot.
Amber asked, “I’m guessing you have a car.” I said, “Yea, I live like a half hour from Perlman.. I got a car.” Amber was a Long Island girl. I’m not exactly sure what attracted her to here..
I play around with my keys and look for my car... this can’t be good. I definitely parked it in this lot yesterday.
Amber asked, “What’s wrong, honey?”
I replied, “I can’t find my fucking car.. I don’t know where I could have put it.” My cell phone started to ring.. I look at it and saw that my dad left a message.

“Son, I took your car for the night.. I sincerely hope you didn’t have any good plans for the night, otherwise you’re a sucker.”

No way.. he could have known.. unless damn that Holly! Blabbing her big mouth in Physics class! My dad likes to be an asshole.. no other reason why he needed my fucking car. He has one of his own! Well.. fuck that! I would have stole his.. but he probably didn’t bring his car to campus that day just to screw me over.

I said, “Damn it. My dad took the car for the night without asking me!”
Amber said, “It must suck that your dad is like that..
I then went on this rant about my dad.. half the time, thinking that this doesn’t turn Amber off. “All my dad does is sit at home, work on his crackpot theories which don’t even make sense, and mastrubate to porn. He’s a goddamn sociopath.”
Amber smiled and said, “Don’t worry, you are nothing like your father. Let’s see what else we can do!”
I said, “I have an idea..”. I text Chester with, “Dad stole my car, time to clean up his office..”
I then say, “Chest will take care of all of this for sure..”
Amber said, “Would he want to do something like that?”
I said, “Yea.. Chester isn’t an asshole, but he is a crazy fucker.”

Amber then said, “Let’s just have some drinks at the bar!” I said, “Alright, whatever floats your boob- I mean boat, haha!” Amber lightly slapped me and laughed. This is great! Not only is Amber beautiful, she is also witty and tolerant.. three things I’ve learned I need in a chick.

Kevin was driving his latest girlfriend Cecilia to Stella’s. Kevin said, “My dear, after my successes, we shall celebrate!” Cecilia said, “I always liked Italian food.” When they got to Stella’s, they talked to the receptionist who asked if they had a reservation. Kevin said, “Yes, ma’am! In fact we do, Donovan- 2 people!” The receptionist said, “Right this way, sir and ma’am! I hope you have a wonderful night.”
Cecilia and Kevin get settled. Cecilia said, “I know that I’m dating a genius, so I hope I get all of this stuff right.” Kevin laughed and said, “Don’t worry about it! You are a great girl and a fine actress! I like you better than Paris Hilton anyway, you got a lot more sense.” Cecilia said, “But Paris Hilton is far from ‘genius’.” Kevin said, “Ho ho! Very true! I just hope my boy doesn’t mind that I took his car.. I never got a response from him, but what else was I to do! This is the perfect dinner for us!” Cecilia said, “Maybe I’ll be his mommy soon..” Kevin said, “Haha! The only weird thing is that you would be only four years older than my eldest son, Max.” Cecilia said, “I don’t mind... all these young people have no idea what they are doing for their lives, I need to settle down with a real man.” Kevin said, “But oh! Tonight is your true test.. the desert! I know you will like mine.. but will I like yours?” Cecilia giggled, “I’ll do my best, Kev!”

Amber and I were really two peas in a pod at this point. We enjoyed our time together and then went to her room with the risk that Holly & Mitch would be there. They were. Mitch said, “Yo! Jealous, Varrick?” I said, “Yo, meathead! If you would actually turn around.. you’d see who my buddy is.” Mitch said, “Oh her.. I still think you jealous!” Amber said, “We were hoping that we would have the room for ourselves tonight..” Holly said with a slurred voice, “I’m sorry dears, I didn’t know that you two were having a date tonight.” Mitch called out, “OOOO!!! Somebody’s flame went out!” I said, “Haha, but before I started dating Amber, I always thought that fighting was simply part of a relationship..” Amber said, “I love you, Rick!” She kissed me on the cheek right there. She whispered, “I think they are a little too intoxicated for us.. let’s go back to your place.”
I suggested that we had a race, but Amber reminded me that she had heels on. I said, “That’s alright, I’ll just win.” We decide to go with the romantic walk. Amber said, “We should go to a beach together someday.. I’m a pretty good swimmer.” She definitely had the form & figure of a swimmer. I said, “I’m excited for the show!”

We went to my dorm room and I saw Chester, Roger, Andy, and Steve all surrounding something. I whispered to Amber, “Wait a minute, I have to see what my buddies are up to!”
Chester laughed, “Yo Rick! Best idea ever you had there! I know that Dr. Donovan has these crazy ideas.. but I never knew he actually worked them out. Look at this biggie! Idiot left his office door wide open though..”
I asked, “What the hell is that?”
Roger said, “With this thing, we can shrink stuff, like in the movies!”
I said, “Geez.. let’s keep this piece of shit away from my dad, thanks guys!”
Amber said, “We should totally design our own kinky house and live in it!”
I said, “We just need somebody willing to keep the dollhouse, besides Andy, since everyone else will probably wreck it!”
Andy said, “I live near a toy store with this display minituraized house, you two can get married in that!”
I shook my head, “Amber and I aren’t going to be part of a fucking zoo.. use your head man!”
Andy said, “Not a problem, I would be kind of rich because of that.”
I said, “Nah.. all the money will go to my dad who is going to spend it all on internet porn.”
Chester said, “Woah! That’s toally going to be our goal! Make sure that someone else is giving the porn businesses money besides your creepy dad!! I want to try this thing! It’s time for a new perspective on things.”
Roger said, “Haha, let’s get a party here and we can all play Strip.”
Andy inquired, “Strip Poker?”
Roger said, “No.. just strip.. we all get naked and.. uh yea! As long as we don’t get stepped on... it would be kind of kinky.”

I said, “I don’t know guys.. if my dad find us, he will swat every one of us like flies, knowing it is us. But his lack of trust in others may play well for us.. I’m sure my dad would have made it this so that he can take the machine with him.” I look at it.. yea, there’s an auto-shrink and auto-enlarge here.. we will have the machine with us. Hmm.. from looking at this, we could potentially carry this thing around in our pockets, but there wouldn’t be enough charge to grow us back. This is something fun to make a story about while we’re high, but besides that, this is a really stupid idea.”

Andy said, “We’re hearing this from someone who sold drugs on the streets of a wealthy suburb.”
I said, “I didn’t get caught for that.. I did a lot of shit with that money though. I helped my brother Max in Boston get a place of his own, since my father would always make Max’s stay terrible. He has always been a lot more mean to Max than he was to me..”.
This was probably since he knew that Max was more like his mom than his dad. My mom couldn’t take my dad’s behaviors anymore and in fact even attempted to have him sent to an asylum for antisocial personality but that didn’t fly, my dad isn’t a nice guy but he is sane. They got a divorce after I went to Perlman, both were very willing.

Chester said, “That was nice of you, dude.”
I said, “I always do what I can to help my friends out.”

Steve said, “Yo, it’s pretty obvious that your dad has not done a lot of nice things..”
Andy said, “Let’s just keep this machine to spite him!”
I shook my head, “Even if we have this one.. I’m sure my dad built a second one. He has made a lot of enemies around these parts.. in fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if this one has a glitch or two. Glitches, we probably wouldn’t like.”
Amber said, “I still can’t believe he would take your car like that..”
I said, “He’s done a lot worse.. but I guess I have to owe him something. At least he didn’t put me and Max up for adoption, he threatened it but never actually did so.”
Roger said, “Guys, why don’t we test it first. Let’s use my history textbook!”. First, we are able to shrink the machine to half its size, so its easier to carry around. We then run outside with it. We also make sure to get a couple 12-packs of Bud Light.

We have the textbook and set the machine to 1/6 and then.... HOLY SHIT!! It actually worked. It looked like the textbook was being compressed into itself. It happened.. shrunk!
Roger laughed, “Now I can tell my professor that I have a hard time reading small writing!”
Chester said, “Let’s grow it 36X! Then it would be a heavy fucker!”
Andy said, “We love Chester and his pot.”
Chester said, “Let’s do it!”

We set the machine to 36X and keep all of the other settings and then watch as it grows. The whole thing seemed like an illusion, the book was stretching in all directions possible and then we have one as big as a car.
Roger said, “Sweet! I’m loving this!!”

We then heard, “THIEVES AND SCOUNDRELS!!!” My buddies tried to get out of here as soon as possible.. but I knew that a hypocrite had to dealt with face-to-face. My father came towards us and said in a low voice, “Richard.. what you have done today is terrible. You and your minions go into my office and steal my prized invention! What is it that you were going to do with it? Make a giant pool of beer?”
I said, “Actually that’s not a bad idea Dad...”
Dr. Donovan said, “That was my plan too..”
I said, “You can’t forget robbing the internet porn companies of their money!”
Dr. Donovan said, “Silly, I can do that without a fancy machine!”
I said, “Of course you can, Dad. You are the smartest human being in the world.”
Dr. Donovan laughed, “And certainly smarter than those who end up in the porn industry! You used it up for a stupid book..”
Chester said, “Yo dude! What do you plan to do with it, man?”

I thought.. goddamn it.. Chester, now’s not the time!

Dr. Donovan said, “Dude? What happened to respect from young people these days? You are supposed to address me as Dr. Donovan. Why don’t you go back to playing cacophanies or whatever it is you do with your life and leave this talk between father and son?”
He then told me, “You notice how much smarter your other buddies are.. they got out of here! As Niccolo Machiavelli wrote, “It is better to be feared than loved.”.”

Chester laughed, “Alright Donny, I’ll do what I can! I’ll make sure my buddy here sends you a CD. What I shall do to make you happy is add internet porn to the mix!”
Dr. Donovan sneered and then said, “I’ve had it with you kids.. now is the time to administer the punishment! I’m guessing my son already has some idea of what’s going to hit him, can’t say the same for your stoner buddy here though, but the main question is going to be when. That’s the dangerous part!”
The first thing my father did was zap the machine on himself. He and the machine both shrank to an inch and ran off, we couldn’t see him at this point.

I said, “This isn’t good man.. we are dealing with someone who is capable of anything.”
Chester said, “I get what you mean..”
I said, “He’s going to wait a while before he strikes.. probably fixing up the machine so he can bastardize it.”
Chester said, “Maybe someone would step on him..”
I said, “I can’t wish that, dude. He’s a lot of things but he’s still my dad.”
Chester said, “I understand that man..”
I was sincerely scared out of my mind. Now I know of what my father is capable of.. there is only one thing I could do, wait and try to not show any signs of anxiety.