Date: March 12 2017 10:06 AM Title: DONT CUM 2 HOUSTON
I want to address what I've read so far. I do like this story, in general.
Specifically, I like how you focus on the real and gritty nature shrinking stories can have. You do a good job making everything seem alien and dangerous from the main character's perspective.
I typically ignore those things, because it makes it easier for me to write my stories, so good on you for focusing on those aspects.
One thing I'm not as sold on is the story's pacing, or maybe how it flows from chapter to chapter. Sometimes, I find it a bit hard to follow the events of the story, and it sometimes feels almost episodic.
For example, I felt like there was something missing between the end of Chapter 3 and the beginning of Chapter 4. I just couldn't figure out how those events connected.
Also, was Chapter 2 a flashback? I assumed so but I wasn't too sure. Another thing about Chapter 2 was that it got a bit confusing to figure out which person was speaking. Maybe placing identifiers in front of each line of dialog could help readers understand which person was talking throughout the chapter? It wouldn't look all that nice, but it would be effective.
And I'm not certain on how the relationship between Jade and the girl is supposed to work, because they don't really act like you'd expect best friends to act. I don't know if that will be expanded upon later on, since I'm stopping part way to leave my thoughts. I guess you'll explain some of the other plot elements before the story ends, like how or why the girl shrunk, since this is a finished work.
Also, did you specify their ages or anything? I don't know if I missed it as I read, so I'm just going off of the tag.
I'll try and finish reading the story eventually, and hopefully give you a clearer and more finalized review.
Author's Response: Hi. I understand your criticism with the pacing, I regret some of it as well. In specific, I wish that I had not even included chapters 1 and 3. I had a major change in direction on where I wanted the story to go after I started chapter4. I feel that after that it's fine for me. The chapters were intended to be episodic as well, with small sections between each instead of each continuing from where the other left off. Some insight into these areas is given later in the story. Let's just say that between chapters 3 and 4, Jade wasn't happy with the girl's reaction and chapter 4 is a sort of punishment. Chapter 2 is a flashback, it's the last conversation Jade and the girl had before the girl woke up shrunken. There are indeed more revelations with the plot and the relationship between Jade and the girl. So maybe wait until chapter 10 to fully comment on it. All characters in the story are in the ballpark of 18 to 19. Thanks for reading.
Date: July 30 2016 11:19 AM Title: The Ride
So I went back and re-read the whole story from start to finish.
I note that you completely revised the "Halftime" chapter. The extra exposition is helpful, but I what I remember from the original version was very impressionisitic, and I thought it might be the perspective of an older woman, either remembering her youth or fantasizing about a childhood experience that never happened as a way of escaping from her current traumas. Jade seems like a nemesis figure, a warning against the danger of trusting others too easily.
The protagonist calls Jade her best friend, but she never acknowledges any attraction to Jade. Jade, in contrast, doesn't seem to recognize any boundaries between friends and lovers (among girls, anyway).
So I'm a little disappointed that we never got to see Jade fully defend her decision to shrink her friend (Sofia's sudden arrival and the precipitous shift to the sex scene really makes Jade look like a ninny). Jade also never explains why she thought it was okay to drop her tiny friend between her breasts. The protagonist clearly didn't enjoy being used as a sex toy by a giantess, but surely Jade got something out of it.
The major theme here is the inability to communicate. Even the final chapter suggests that you don't have to be shrunk to struggle to hold a conversation. Still, I'd have like to have seen the final confrontation with Sofia played out. Sofia and Jade already talked about shrunken sex; surely Sofia is curious about the protagonist's experiences.
Obviously, the only appropriate fate for Jade is to be shrunk herself.
This story was frustrating, but I think that was the point. The protagonist escapes her peril through perseverance, but she hasn't really learned anything about herself or how to avoid such a fate in the future. Betrayal by a friend alters your sense of your place in the world, but the protagonist doesn't seem to have been changed that much. Her suffering while being caught between two horny giantesses is purely physical; we don't know her sexual preferences or whether she finds the experience arousing. Her (new) friend in the final chapter shows a little curiosity, but the protagonist just finds the whole thing embarrassing. Jade's violation of her trust has more meaning than her violation of her body.
I think you could have done more with the protagonist, if only to give us a better sense of her understanding of Jade and why they are friends. Your revised "Halftime" chapter makes the case for the protagonist's vulnerability due to loneliness, but we don't see her process her experiences with Jade in terms of that vulnerability. Both Sofia and Jade are the protagonist's friends and both Sofia and Jade are attracted to girls, but only Jade acts on that attraction with the protagonist, and does so by violating her. The protagonist understands that this was wrong, but she doesn't articulate how it could have been right.
The protagonist deserves to have her own desires, and we deserve to read about them.
Date: July 24 2016 7:00 PM Title: Warm Blood
Never enough booty action, but I can certainly appreciate how this story focuses more on the relationships between girls. In fact, that drew me in a lot. My one honest critique is that it should have been a little more clear in design. For example, it jumped around a little bit and the ending was rather ominous in a way that I didn't quite fancy, but good work!
Date: July 24 2016 2:11 PM Title: The Ride
I read the enhanced "wolves" chapter and this one. Stylistically the conversation with another friend was a good way to go about explainging how the girl got out of her situation. The conversation flowed well, too. Right down to the part where her friend interupts to ask Siri a question.
From a practical stand point the conversation rehashed a lot of what we've already read, and is a bit redundant. Even anticlimatic.
Still, I like the story as a whole and like your style. I hope you continue to add new work. As long as I'm around you will have an audience!
Date: July 23 2016 4:33 PM Title: Wolves
Great addition, having Sofia come (cum?) back. The sex scene with the poor tiny caught in between is a lot of fun. A good addition to the story! More importantly I am really curious to see how it's going to develop with Sofia in the mix again.
Date: July 22 2016 8:56 AM Title: DONT CUM 2 HOUSTON
Hear are my thoughts through the first 8 chapters.
First, this is a slow roller, sort of like a freight train when it goes from a stand still to moving. It did pique my curiosity early. Some of the other reviewers have commented on the somewhat abstract interaction and personality aspects of the story, but I think you actually really make it work.
I am curious why you changed to a 2nd person point of view in chapter 7, then returned to 1st person in chapter 8.
I enjoyed 7 and 8 the most: very descriptive and evokes some reader empathy. This goes back to the freight train analogy: once it gets rolling it's going fast and heavy.
Now that I am all caught up I'll continue to read as you update.
Date: July 21 2016 6:34 AM Title: DONT CUM 2 HOUSTON
Jade's little trick at the end shows that, on some level, she still thinks of her captive as a person (or something that used to be a person and still retains person-like traits that can be exploited). Jade must therefore have some internal justification for why she can treat a (former) friend like a plaything. Looking forward to learning what that justification might be.
Date: July 19 2016 10:55 PM Title: Miami Ultras
So I quickly gave this story a read. Here are my thoughts:
The flashback chapter, chapter 5 was it? That could have been handled better. The transition from the current timeline to the flashback and back was barely noticeable. I was reading and then all of a sudden I was like, "Wait what? How did we get here from the past chapter? And then after some backreading I realized it was a flashback." I suppose the little summary said: How I met Jade, but it was still not very obvious imo.
So far Jade seems like an uninteresting character. And the main character feels more like a camera than a character. Jade just doesn't get any response from me, whether good or bad. She just feels 'meh'. Not sure why that is. So far all we've seen of her displays the bare minimum of character if that makes any sense. She just plays a role. The role of antagonist, but doesn't really offer much in terms of character.
The MC, have we even got a name for her yet, not sure? So far she also has basically no personality of her own other than reacting to the world around her and being the readers eyes in this story. I think this escape stuff might be a good chance to give her some character if handled right...
These are just my observations/suggestions so far. I will say your descriptions are really effective and create pictures in my mind easily. Description is definitely your strong suit as a writer, so keep that up! Just flesh the characters out a bit more, maybe introduce some new characters that are a real part of the story (know about the shrunken stuff or are shrunken) and not just background. So far the only 2 "real" actors in this story are the Main Character and Jade. Some other regularly occuring characters to interact with would also help with fleshing out you're current characters.
Hope this helps and keep it up!
Author's Response: Thank You for this long review. I understand Your complaints addressing the protagonist's lack of a personality, I didn't give her one so the reader was capable of inserting themselves into the story more easily. I think that how I am handling Jade is within my vision, she is supposed to be distant and hard to understand, do You know what I am trying to say? I think boty characters show a lot of personality in chapter two, however. The next chapter will certainly flesh out the protagonist more, and another character will be introduced in chapter nine, and another in chapter ten. I hope you enjoy that. Thank You.
Date: July 06 2016 6:03 AM Title: Halftime
People who say they want to be "free" often neglect to specify whether they want to be free from or free to.
Author's Response: Well the protagonist is shrunken, so naturally You would assume being free means being returned to Your normal size.
Date: June 19 2016 10:27 AM Title: Warm Blood
I've previously read a couple of your stories on this site over the years, and I just went back and read all of them. I really appreciate that you're trying to do something different than the typical story around here.
I'm not a connoisseur of the Unaware aspect of size fantasy, but your stories have given me a good taste for it. Tiny people being physically overwhelmed by giants is a core element of size fantasy, but it is often neglected (including by me) and your stuff does an excellent job of describing the gulf between giants and tinies. The most banal or careless activities for a giant becomes momentous for tinies, a force of nature that is futile to resist.
I also appreciate that your giants truly are a different order of being than your tinies, even if previously they were peers with an established relationship. Any attempt at relations (of any kind) between the two is mocked. The lives of your tinies are filled with awe and loneliness. It's a bleak perspective, and I like it.
Thanks for writing!
Author's Response: Hi. Thank You for this review. From what people say about me in this community I feel that my writing is very polarizing and some people don't like what I'm doing. Because my narrators come off as emotionless, or my prose is very long winded and poorly formatted, or because I usually deal with weird subject matter like scat or gore or noses. A lot of people don't really try to appreciate who I am for what I do because I'm doing things differently. Whenever someone takes the time to really read all of my work and get an understanding of what I'm trying to do it makes me really happy. It probably sounds stupid when I say that I take way too much time just making sure that the details I include in the story, like scale and where people are and the positions of body parts, are consistent and well thought out. But it's just what I do. I guess I'm sacrificing a lot of aspects that people love, like eroticism and emotion and voice, in favor of a story that I sort of have to sculpt. I'm so finnicky, I'm constantly going through my stories and making edits even months after I've finished them. Knowing that some people like You like what I'm doing gives me a lot of more energy and motivation. Thanks for the review!
Date: May 22 2016 11:05 AM Title: Warm Blood
I very much enjoy how you assemble your words and thoughts to tell this story. I am in favor of strong development of both characters and environment and your pace is well executed. Just an FYI Chapter 3 about a third of the way down fell is mispelled.
Date: March 26 2016 11:58 PM Title: Sandwitches
I enjoyed these two chapters. the first paints such a clear and vivid image, and creates a stark, isolated atmosphere I really appreciated. the second, with only dialogue, is a great little emotional back and forth. a very effective portrait of jade and our narrator. for me this was something different, and I enjoyed the extreme difference in texture here between the two chapters. a pleasurable read.
Date: March 26 2016 4:27 PM Title: Sandwitches
I know you're probably trying to give some background/context to the story, but I think there was a bit too much talking, not enough action in this chapter, and it was really difficult to follow who was saying what to who. I skipped over most of what was said and went straight to the end.