Date: June 16 2014 3:23 PM Title: Chapter 19 Part 2
I finally got around to reading this story and I'm blown away by it. Everything about this is just awesome and it feels completely natural.
I only have two issues but please take it as constructive criticism. I well and truly love this story.
1) At the beginning of that conversation between Crystal and Ava it seemed like everyone spent too much time feeling sorry for themselves. Granted people do that in real life but these girls just went from fists of fury to just moping about. Btw Ava's become my favorite.
2) Ava and Alex don't seem to show any form of disgust or regret at actually killing. I know those guys didn't have family's but we're talking about young college girls that have just killed men. They should at least be feeling remorse or disgust for what they had to do.
Other than that I can't wait for you to finish this story. I love the plot, I love the characters, and I love your style of writing. I'd say it reminds me of my own writing style but I think you do it better.
Author's Response:
Thank you for criticism, I've actually caught on to the second one after I went back and reread it myself, but you know meh...lol. I actually thought the whole giving them a warning thing was a good substitute for it, even the strutucre wouldn't be as solid to others, but you right. I think I can find a way to explain that feeling actually as the story continues...And believe it or not, Ava is actually my favorite to....and it wasn't suppose to be that way.
I was actually trying my best to give them a real human personalty, its extremely hard to do without missing a few errors on how real people act to certain situations, for example the second thing that you mentioned. It's real easy for something like that to slip a person's mind while writing, but I'm practicing and getting better, that's all I can do. They say practice makes perfect.
I do thank you for your constructive critcism and the fact that you like this story, I really appreciate the review.
Date: June 14 2014 2:20 PM Title: Chapter 19 Part 2
That chapter was so long. Too long perhaps - nearly 6000 words. It was good though.
Here:
But Ryan has an army of Regulars with specialize bullets
You mean: specialized
I imagine if somebody went through a chapter I wrote they'd fine some mistakes, but people don't seem to point them out when they review stories I wrote.
[Report This]Date: June 12 2014 7:16 AM Title: Chapter 19 Part 2
Great can't wait to see Ryan gone
[Report This]Date: June 11 2014 3:01 PM Title: Chapter 19 Part 2
A gun that can only be fired once and Jaden could be the key to a stronger human race , that is something! I ope those girls can shrink Ryan down then torture him for what he did before killing him!