Wow, the spacing dude.... spread it out a little, and edit it a few times before you upload.  Get Kimberly to proof read it, and allow her to give you more suggestions....

The female perspective could be your most valuable tool!  I like your basic story and the tale itself.  The writing could use a bit of work though, you need to describe EVERYTHING, in great detail, and 'paint a picture' so-to-speak, so that the reader can visualize the scenes playing out, ya know?