[Report This]Date: November 12 2023 9:55 PM Title: Suki's Day (Part 4)
I do have a bit of constructive criticism regarding the start of this chapter.
The scene in which Nadia confuses the sock for a monster trying to eat her didn't quite work for me. I was able to figure out what was happening thanks to it being stated outright at the end of the previous chapter, but I found this to be confusing at first here.
First, I think you decided to reuse part of the end of the previous chapter at the start of this one, as it helps to clue the reader in that we're seeing the same scene from a different perspective. This wasn't a bad idea, but the fact that it was exactly the same passage from the before left me with a sense of deja vu and confusion.
If you knew ahead of time that you were going to use this technique, a better strategy might have been to have saved Nadia's portion of the narrative at the end of last chapter for the start of this one exclusively and work those thoughts between Nadia and Suki's lines of dialogue right before it at the start of this chapter, maybe starting with a description of Nadia being taken out of Suki's pocket from the tiny's perspective. In other words, the dialogue tips us off that we're rehashing the previous scene, but Nadia's internal struggle and rage is only expressed in this new chapter.
This would provide us with enough of a clue of what's happening without making us question our sanity (or maybe that was just me?) for a quick second.
Second, while I can buy Nadia not knowing what a sock is (I actually like that, as Jane set the precedent earlier by not knowing what underwear was. This makes sense, as these things are luxuries that people struggling to survive, at least to the extent of the Little Folk, wouldn't have or know about.), I had some trouble believing that Nadia couldn't tell the difference between a living creature and a sock, at least as written here.
I think you were on the right track by noting that she was crying and became terrified as she was lifted, but a more in-depth description about her becoming hysterical or maybe a note that her vision was blurred through tear-stained eyes would have made such a mistake much more believable. Blurred vision could easily justify her mistaking the sock for something like a snake, and going hysterical throws logic out the window entirely, which makes it easier to justify almost anything from her perspective.
Third, a description of Nadia feeling the material of the inner sock as she was "swallowed" and/or during her climb out would have provided an opportunity for the reader to figure out that the beast wasn't a beast at all. Maybe a thought or two from Nadia about how this isn't how she envisioned the "belly of the beast," noting how soft and unalive it seems, could have worked here.
And finally, I feel like we needed just a bit more detail on the "crawling beasts" that Nadia thought the sock resembled. As noted above, I kind of think this was supposed to be a snake, so maybe replacing "crawling" with "slithering" might have helped emphasize this. If it wasn't supposed to be a snake, another description in passing would have helped the reader identify what this was supposed to be.
When I read through this the first time, the "crawling beasts" part threw me off a bit, and I was wondering if Suki had a pet that she was using to tease Nadia with. As I read on, it became clear this wasn't the case, but I was really confused for a minute.
Overall, I think using this immersive narrative style was a good idea here, and you captured Nadia's blend of terror and anger (more on that in a minute) extremely well. But the scene itself was hard to follow and it took reading it a few times for me to figure out exactly what was going on here. I hope my criticisms above made sense and might be useful to you going forward with you work.
Now, with that out of the way, I really liked this chapter overall.
I can't say enough how much I loved Nadia's attitude here. People react differently to fear, and that tends to get lost a bit in these fetish stories, with tinies usually having the narrow emotional range between terror and hopelessness. Nadia deciding to go out with pride and sacrificing herself to inconvenience her captor and the "beast" is refreshing! It was great to see her anger win out over her fear and embrace such a "fuck you!" mentality, even if it didn't work out for her in the end.
I'm really enjoying pretty much all of your characters in this story so far, but Nadia has quickly become one of my absolute favorites!
I also like how the dynamic between Suki and Nadia is shaping up.
With Suki, it was finally stated outright what had been hinted at quite a bit these last few chapters: that Suki had an exceptionally lonely childhood and had no friends. That explains her awkward social skills, as well as her lack of value for other people. I think she takes out her frustrations with people in general out on the Little Folk (I still say that, deep down, she sees them as people, but indulges in society's claim that they aren't to justify doing what she would want to do with anyone if she could get away with it).
In short, she's never had anyone in her life that to care about or who cares about her, and that frustration comes out in sadistic glee as she has tormented Nadia and company.
But now, near the end of the chapter, we see the tiniest signs of her feeling a sense of companionship with Nadia. She uses her personal shower gel to clean the Little Folk (and it's noted how big a deal that is to Suki) and she seems somewhat happy that Nadia is clean and to feed the little person (even her excuse that Nadia was "too clean" to play with seems like a weak excuse to give the girl a break).
I'm not saying that Suki cares about or respects Nadia, but maybe finally having someone else around has started to change her a bit. This opens so many narrative possibilities! I initially thought/hoped this might turn into a Shana redemption story, but is it really a Suki one instead (I wouldn't have even thought that just a couple chapters ago)? Maybe it's one for both of them. Or for neither of them!
Even if Suki keeps being evil, this new development could open some interesting avenues to explore for Suki and Nadia (especially given Nadia's justifiable hatred of Suki).
I've been pretty high on the unique relationship you built between Emily and Jane previously, but I'm starting to see a no less unique one forming between Suki and Nadia but in an entirely different way. I'm really looking forward to seeing where this goes!
Author's Response:
As always, thanks for your feedback!
As far as criticism goes: I can see the problems now that you've described them to me.
Nadia's POV piece in the previous chapter already clashes with the story. Having it repeated in the next one does indeed feel weird...
Maybe I didn't notice this dissonance because there was a week between writing one chapter and the other, and I didn't reread them both after writing. But as for the snake, it's something I absolutely would not have noticed on my own. It seemed good to me, but that was probably me being biased, having written it.
The two chapters do have the appearance of being disconnected from one another.
Either it looks like a snake is brought in from out of nowhere, with no explanation as to where it comes out, or you get that it's a sock, but then there's no logical explanation as to why Nadia would see the sock as a snake.
For now, my idea is to cut Nadia's POV from the end of the previous chapter and keep it only in the chapter that focuses on her, which is more fitting, and adjust the sock part in both of them to make everything a bit more believable... I hope, anyway.
That said, I'm proud and happy that you like the characters and how they interact with each other, since I tried to create them as complex and believable characters.
As for the redemption... we'll see about that!
Once again, thank you so much!