[Report This]Date: September 29 2023 6:27 AM Title: Chapter 5
I really enjoyed this chapter! While I'm loving the Emily-Jane stuff, the old saying that "a story is only as good as it's villain" has a lot of merit, so it was nice to see Suki get the narrative spotlight for a bit. We got a hint of a backstory, some more insight into her personality, and a lot of inappropriate touching in public. That's all we can ask for, really!
We only saw her briefly, but I feel like you found Maya's voice! I think her using shorter sentences but several in a row was the right way to go with her. It gave her a youthful tone, maybe because it made her seem "quick" or hyper. In any case, between that and the generous use of exclamation points there at the end of her segment, her dialogue came off as unique, and, at least to me, it seemed to fit the character well.
I loved that Suki took the time to laugh so long after pulling one over on Maya. I think for a lot of characters, even evil ones, it would have felt out of place or weird for her to take the time to focus on that after the fact. But Suki's extreme arrogance and sense of entitlement make that work for her. She feels superior to Maya (and everyone else), and this is just one way that she expresses it, even if it's only to herself.
The interaction between Shana and Suki was pretty intriguing. Shana's even mean to her friends. She comes off as less like a villain and more like an uncaring grump, which gives her a very different feel from Suki. I'm really interested to see where you go with Shana over the course of the story. With her backstory, there's certainly some potential for redemption for her, but she could just as easily not go that way, too. Even if she stays as that uncaring grump until the end, she's still a fun character to read.
And, again, excellent work on cranking up the vulgarity for our tomboy bully. It makes her come off as more menacing, even to her best friend.
Overall, this was a great setup for what's coming. Let's hope Suki can at least keep her hand out of her pants before she fills up. No need to taunt the Little Folk too much!
Author's Response:
I'm thrilled you enjoyed the chapter so much!
This chapter was actually the one I struggled with the least, this was pretty much the first draft I wrote, to which I only added details or reworded some things afterward.
The fact that I could freely explore the characters present without the restraint of morality gave me more room to maneuver, and I'm especially happy that I was able to portray Shana exactly as I wanted her from the beginning.
As for Maya, I have to admit that I only put that dialogue as a placeholder, but if you think it's good, then I can move on just worrying about figuring out how to write Jane!
And spoilers for the last thing... Sorry, but no. She couldn't help herself.