[Report This]Date: September 16 2023 1:35 AM Title: Chapter 3
This was a pretty rewarding chapter. After Jane was looking pretty well screwed last chapter, it was nice to see Emily and Maya come through in the clutch.
In particular, Emily finding that inner strength that she didn't know she had to break away from Shana and headbutt Suki was satisfying to read. Up until this point, she's come off as a nonviolent type of person, so for her to step that far out of her comfort zone to save Jane comes off as a really big deal.
One minor thing, though. I personally would have had Emily throw her head back and headbutt Shana's face or step on her toes or something instead of screaming to get free. I guess it's possible that she could scream high pitch enough to hurt the bully's ears, but I think it would have been easier to buy Emily doing something a bit more physical and catching Shana by surprise. Other than that, I thought that scene was really good.
I enjoyed getting some backstory on Shana, and I think using Maya as a catalyst for that was a good call. The tension between Maya's mom and Shana makes her mean streak make sense, and it allows the reader to feel just a tad bit of sympathy for her. I like complicated characters, and Shana now has a couple more layers to her than she did a chapter ago.
I also think Shana's dialogue came off a lot better than it did last chapter. She came off a lot more crude than she did before, which fits her character so much better. Personally, I might have shortened up a couple of her lines of dialogue and further embraced contractions for her ("You don't even know where it has been" to "You don't even know where it's been," for example), but this was a huge improvement! I also noticed we checked in on Jane once before she got shoved in Suki's mouth, which was welcomed as well. Just keep working at these things as you move forward and I think your work will pop that much more.
Speaking of dialogue, I do want to say that the way you write Suki fits the characteristics you've been presenting her with perfectly. She sounds like an entitled snob every time she speaks. Keep up the good work on that front!
So it looks like we'll get to see Maya and Emily console Jane after her near-death experience and/or Suki go tiny hunting in the next chapter or two. Either way, I'm looking forward to it!
Author's Response:
I'm really thrilled with your review!
I spent a lot of time trying to find the right way to write my characters, and I'm really happy that you think I succeeded! Especially Shana, who sounds better to me too now that she's more crude and vulgar.
Still speaking about Shana, the fact is that I don't like evil giantesses, or at least the one dimensional ones, who are evil just because, so the fact that you appreciate me giving her some character motivation is something that hypes me up!
Suki, on the other hand, is almost easy for me, and I don't know how to take the fact that I manage to write an entitled snob so well, so I'll take it as a compliment! Just kidding, I'm glad you like her too! Or at least that you think she turned out well.
And yes, you got the next 2 chapters right, the first of which I'll post as soon as I finish writing here, and I hope you'll find it good!