When I do my boss a favor by house-sitting for a her for a couple days, I had no idea what I was getting myself into or when it will ever end.
There are so many problems with the characters and their actions that I am unable to even count them all - their behaviour is completely ridiculous for the situation, she can easily overpower him in so many ways - and yet asks to "kiss her feet"? He is at least reasonable at the beginning and obeys while trying to convince her with reason - but call her names later? What the heck?
Their discussions then become just silly - I don't know how a teenager would behave with such power, but the world would look much differently now if it was like that.
Now, I can understand your apparent desire to make the story more cruel later, but she could have simply shown that from the start - but she seemed simply not to care about him at all (or am I wrong about it), but now just behaves unreliably.
I am finished with the story after this chapter, since I cannot find any hope for the next ones. Sorry...
A female explorer gets stranded on an alien planet. With no recollection of how she got there, she must find a way to coexist with the miniature civilization.
I love it! Can't wait to see her play some more with the people - and I see where You are going with the PRR, but she does not need to be very cruel with them or anything - four hundred feet tall is a huge difference to scare them off (at least one third of a million times more massive?).
Also - would love to see more details about how the people feel about her power over them, how she humbles them.
Otherwise all great and can't wait for the next chapter! I found the concerned gentleness greatly relaxing when I needed a break or was stuck :)
Regards, Gerald.
Thank you very much! It's always great to receive input on how others view my stories than "Well Done" or such. I haven't given any of my stories much thought for the past month so who knows where I'm going...
ANYWAY, I am happy and hope you continue to read.
Sincerely, DMG
Oh come on, just kill them all and start something normal...
Author's Response:
Gerald, I loved your last review, and would love to hear also what you don't like about these new chapters. Could you elaborate about what you don't like?
I can understand how the story seems to never end, and all the chapters are convuluted, with the same characters over and over. Do you see these as factors that hurt the story?
Again - only my personal feelings, experiences, thoughts and emotions. Likely not applicable to anybody else. And spoilers FTW!
I also did not want to elaborate in the previous review any further, since I already put all my modest thoughts into the it – after leaving out the ones here - and also I have not read the chapters thoroughly after 21st - just speedread through it, since after the characters became unreliable for me, there was no point in caring about them. This is the main reason I do not apply any rating to this - just my random thoughts, feel free to use the ideas - or not. And most certainly - please do not feel offended by them, I am merely writing how I felt about the events and only because You asked for it.
Since I already disliked the unreliability around ch21 - why have I even kept coming back, you may ask? I was hoping there might be still some plot, some closure to their story - the beginning was very interesting and showed a real promise of that. Now, I may be wrong, but it seems that most people around here do not care about silly things such as storyline or plot - but instead want colorful descriptions of size play. There is nothing wrong with that and I am sure others can appreciate Your magnificent accomplishments in this matter.
But the plot requires much planning, realistic and inspiring events carried out by well-thought characters. Ron seemed like one to me - but only for the first 20 chapters, and even then after ch11 it may have been my "desire" to make him realistic rather than his actual actions. Others weren't detailed enough - and still aren't, I feel. In this story it seems that things just.. happen - it can be fun, especially with added smut and humiliation, but when there is no plan behind the events - why bother? Reading a story just for the descriptions and stimulation seems a bit silly to me...
Especially how I do not care much about those things. Well, not mainly at least - they are fun, that is why I look around these sites as well. And not anymore - several years ago I would have loved it, but with time.. one can easily imagine any kind of size/power related situation there can be out there, which makes descriptions - and even collages, renderings, movies - irrelevant and repetitive.
Because - as I tried to hint in my previous review - events are empty without emotions.
And emotions can only be explained on characters that one can believe in. Not necessarily associate oneself with - that is not the point of stories, but reliability is the key.
So I kept browsing through the story looking for maybe some parts that would be somewhat interesting plot-wise, but it seemed - and still seems - that everything is repeating itself in a barely changed form. I know that is how life works, but this is not the reason for a story to emulate that - and certainly does not make it interesting. Ron's remained consistently, stubbornly and excruciatingly stupid. Erica's exploits were repetition of Alison's in the 19-21, which were already a harder variant of what Jessica was doing earlier. Jack seemed to be simply a dummy, stateless plot device - incapable of any conscious thought and dancing (or dangling on the puppeteer's hand) to the context, not to mention numerous plot-holes surrounding his appearance and behavior. I quickly found even Alison's niceties empty and boring. Jessica's "return" to "evil" seemed silly and unrealistic, not to mention that I would not think she would ever be "evil", just troubled - but you would think meeting her father like that would affect her in a deeper way... it felt like just an excuse for further craziness - why do You insist on her behaving like a monster, even with her knowing it is bad - it is inhuman... where was she raised, among hyenas in a safari? I also deeply disagree with your (or Ron's?) opinion that all people are generically evil to each other - from both evolutionary/biological and sociological perspectives - and there is no such thing as "naturally cruel giantess", as long as they can see small humans, which the ones in this story did - even if some spoke otherwise. Not to even mention the missing pills or Cassie's character - although I feel like there is no "character" in her at all, it seems others at least have excuses to behave like that - lousy, but still. To make matters even worse - everybody kept repeating their mistakes and failed to learn from any events - and every single time! Around the 40th chapter (when Ron wanted - again - to help Jack), it occurred to me that they are merely "regular" people put in these "giantess"/"small man" positions - without much, if any, thought put into how it would change them, their behaviors and emotions - which further added into the character unreliability pile. The Jack's obvious lies only confirmed that. But the worst part was that everything kept repeating in the conditions that remained basically the same. Great smut, but nothing else seems worth reading.
If you wish to inquire about details on any of the above, feel free to contact me - the full evaluation would take ages, but simply put - right now it seems like a dull series of events with gts theme rather than a story. Such thing can be fun - but no longer for me. And it was not anything wrong with the new chapters - they were just as good as the early ones, but also the same plot-wise.
That is why I honestly hope You will figure out how to just kill them all as quickly as possible - or whatever ending You may have in mind :>
You can always start a new story and advertise it in the last chapter - I am sure everyone will follow.
Author's Response:
Gerald, you have no idea how much I appreciate this. The fact alone that my story can evoke so much thought makes me very happy about the writing I've decided to do.
Though my response to your review my be brief, I assure your I've appreciated all you've written, and all your opinions you have of my story.
In short, youre right about everything. This "story" slowly became more a series of events as it continued, and less of a classic climactic buildup. I truly had no plan when I began, I just kept writing and writing and writing. Though it is fun and readers enjoy it, the fact is that it cannot go on forever. Because before you know it, the characters and things that happen to them become only sagways into more humiliating and torturous situations. The characters just become ways of driving the story into other situations.
As a result, there is no real strucutre, you are correct. even as I wrote this, I felt this. I was like "huh... it should probably end here". But it didn't, I just kept going. Then even again, I would say "well... it HAS to end now, there's no other choice!" but nope, I kept going anyway. I guess it became too much fun, and my very temporary form of story became too long, and before you know it, characters change, and their decisions become less and less genuine.
So with that, characters continue to make mistakes. No lessons are learned. You're right.
Everything in this story seems to happen for the sake of "fun", which is exactly what I have writing it. This is all good and that, but you're right to say that the elements of a real story are lost when "fun" becomes the main priority. Which is too bad, because I wished i couldve kept it fun AS WELL as have it a well written, structured story.
I hope to one day achieve this, but it's too late for this story. It's become what it is. As you've said, smutty, humiliating, which is all fun, but their is no redeeming it unless I go back and start making DRASTIC changes.
I'll say this here and now, the ending is coming soon. Because as I've said, your feelings are feelings I've had too. It can't continue, or else the characters, events, situations, just become less and less important.
Not everyone will die, but I know what you mean :P and the ending will happen very soon, I hope most are okay with that.
I'll definitely advertise a chapter, just because I love writing here so much. But I don't wanna drag this story on longer than it has to as a result of that. I think a new story is in order, yes.
Again, gerald, I've truly appreciated this. Thanks so much for the reviews, and, although you may not enjoy my story like you once had, I hope you still have the patience and time to write another one in the future :) if not, then hopefully for my new one! (if it happens).
You really know your stories, and any writer on this site is lucky to hear from you. Thank you again!
With all the hurrah-positive reviews around here, I believe it would be nice to provide some deeper thoughts on the story.
Just to make sure I am not misunderstood: the following are my own personal thoughts, emotions and experiences; I am not trying to assault anybodies beliefs or feelings - we are all free to do, think and write whatever we want (well, within law and gwnet's rules at least); and finally I may be completely wrong about some parts or even all of it.
Additionally, if anybody has not read the whole story yet, a mindful:
WARNING! MASSIVE STORY SPOILERS AHEAD! WARNING!
And also some profanities - but what would anybody immature be doing reading a review of R-rated story in the first place... so on to the review:
The beginning was great - I loved the interesting mix of gentleness, fear, with hints and bits of violence coming from various characters. It progressed nicely. One could feel sorry for Ron or even envy him at times ( ;) ) and everything was great.
It all changed somewhere between 19th and 21st chapters. The latter of which I could only barely force myself to finish reading - something simply broke. Let's say that the "fight" they had was fine, it was to be expected and the Allison's reaction understandable, since she was stressed and angry - but their actions that followed in the next days felt completely unreliable for me.
Starting with Ron - as he was the biggest disappointment. I am not saying that nobody would behave like him. Just he seemed so.. brainless and unable to comprehend his situation. Unless his brain powers diminished with his size - and it seemed he wielded full cognitive capabilities just days earlier - his inability to reasonably explain himself, appeal to her better or even apologise properly is ridiculous. The angry outbursts felt simply unacceptable and pathetic - I understand that may have been the idea - especially as a convenient plot device, but I simply cannot believe anybody sane could possibly do that.
His pointless behaviour, when trapped in the drawer was also hardly reliable. Not to mention the obvious conclusions that he should have come to. And possible solutions to his ordeal. Apologizing, talking some sense into her, trying to appeal to her feelings.. Yes, he seemed to try some of them but it stunk of apathy and lack of conviction.
I get that he was scared, annoyed, angry and felt powerless - it seemed he had no way to influence her. But he should have figured out that he could - it was an ultimate and dangerous way, but given no choice and a lot of time to think about it, I believe anybody would realize it.
This most important "solution" was death. Yes - death is a part of life. It's so simple. You can - and should, to experience and accomplish as much as reasonably possible - try to avoid dying and also live how it suits you for as long as you can. But there are things more important than life - and Ron should have discovered that. His honour for instance - or call it whatever you want, if he was convinced that Allison did not care for him - or wanted to hurt him, which in a way would require her not to care - then the most reasonable thing would be simply to end it. Or - and the fact he did not even bluff is the real killer - threaten to take his life first. After all, at his size she may not be able to force him to eat... and even if she figured a way, being so tiny created a lot of opportunities for a suicide.
I simply do not see how one can be really into macro/gts, especially the violent one - without accepting the sensibility of death.
And of course, his wife should realize if threatened with such thing that she went too far. Of course their relationship would change, but it had already. And this brings us to Allie - her sudden change is the second worst thing that happened.
Again, I understand the attempt to expose Ron to different things that the giantess can do with a tiny man, but what how she started behaving was just... inconceivable.
She showed and assured that she loves him only days earlier, with no reason to suddenly change her approach completely. I get that she may have wanted to teach him a lesson - but such pointless violence is, by definition, pointless. Why has she not tried to explain him her motives - why just bully him without a word of explanation or even a chance to come clean. Sure I understand that women often behave illogically (I even experienced some of that) and are hard to understand sometimes, but for fucks sake.. he still was her husband. What happened to for better or for worse. If she ever loved him - even if she would cease to - she would still have some compassion for him. Not to mention it was the first time she felt like she really needed to punish him.
And so while I can just barely understand the entrapment, the further exploits culminating with stepping on him are simply and clearly - impossible to believe. I could not find a way to convince myself that somebody could change like that so quickly - and without apparent reason. I know the story is told from Ron's perspective and the reader is not aware of everything that drives others, but it does not give them green light to behave erratically. Unless affected by one of serious mental diseases and I think it would be noticeable earlier, should Allie be.
Sure, they had a "fight". And yes - she must have been annoyed by his issues with.. pretty much everything surrounding his shrinking (which also was ridiculous by then). But I believe it takes much, much more traumatic experience to affect a person that much. Not to mention - it felt like a person in her position would feel more angry at Jessica and the world for this happening, but no.. she just steamed it off on the little man. Convenient for the plot twist, but completely absurd when it comes to character reliability.
So she just did not seem like a person to me anymore - and neither did Ron, even though he was mostly a victim by then. And that broke the story for me. If not enough details are given to build an image of what kind of person a character is, then it is fine - I could always learn it from their actions and I could usually convince myself that they must have had reasons to act as they did, as long as they are at least remotely consistent. But it was specifically pointed - and so many times - that she cares about him and loves him. I even went back to some previous chapters to make sure that I got it right and I believe I did. And love simply does not make you do things like that...
It was actually even worse - as some of their previous choices and actions suddenly felt less convincing, as if some self-issued perception bending to make them feel more human was no longer feasible... Her forcing him inside the panties, him lying constantly, the purposely antagonising relationship between him and Jessica, and so on... just seemed less believable.
After the main characters lost any credibility, I could not go any further for some time - it already seemed they were like dolls dangled around by some random puppeteer. I mean no disrespect, but I simply felt this way. I am also not trying to suggest that it was her turn to violence that repulsed me - it would be fine if she was given any convincing reasons to do it or was showing any attitude towards it earlier on. His troubles with Jessica were good - great even: intense and stimulating.
I tried to get back to it after a couple weeks, wondering is I maybe got to immersed or attached to the characters. Or perhaps that I simply misinterpreted it. But the impression was the same. I then moved to the promised 33rd chapter, hoping to skip the unreliable part - but somehow, they still felt strange and as if made of formika. I simply could not force myself to believe in them again - and was also worried that they might turn their behaviour around by 180 degrees without a reason... Even their reconciliation somehow seemed fake and shallow, although I must admit I could not read the remaining chapters throughoutly.
WARNING! MASSIVE STORY SPOILERS ABOVE! WARNING!
I waited a couple more weeks before writing this review, to give it some more thought and maybe let the disappointment settle down a bit. But the general feeling has not changed - it still seems like two (or more) stories, glued together - with incidentally similar background and character names. I just prefer to think that it ended around chapter 19-20.
My belief is that in a character-driven story, their reliability and consistence is a paradigm - after all, all fictional characters are merely a bubble made of their observations in the writer's and reader's minds. A bubble that is ready to burst should they do something not human enough. They do not have to always act logically, no people do. Especially when surprised, angry or annoyed. But every once in a while everyone does - usually sooner than later - and acts depending on his or her value system, but at least somewhat reasonably. Even after stresenous encounters. Basically the human brain rearranges to process memories and prepare for the following challenges and experiences, or - as they say - wounds heal, over time.
I do not mean to impute that there are any other problems with storytelling, nor that it is somehow wrong or improper. I am also not trying to imply that You, dear Author, are not skilled or that I would think of something better - far from it, I think I am a lousy excuse for one and would not be able to come up with something so interesting. My thoughts regarding what the characters could possibly do were not suggestions, merely provided to explain better why I felt this way. And lastly, when it comes to the writing.. my knowledge of the language is pathetic and laughable.
No irony intended.
Finally, even though I personally prefer gentle approaches, I am not against violence in stories - again, far from it: a good, immersive, convincing story about violence, humiliation and even murder (that's what it is, after all) can be equally great. Sometimes even better, just like You have shown at the beginning, combining those two elements to produce exciting and gripping developments.
All in all, I simply want to provoke You, dear Author, to think about it a bit - and even though it may have been only my impressions, I hope it may influence your future works in a good way.
To which I an honestly looking forward - just like I loved many others and the beginning of this one, I am sure I will find Your future stories interesting as well.
This one seems forever burnt.
If You feel that I am somehow mistaken about what happened, or think that it changed at some point later on - please let me know. I will surely try to return to the story in the future to see if it has.
Seven stars for great start and huge potential - minus three for the unfortunate disappointment.
Regards and farewell, Gerald.
Wow! Lemme just say right off the bat, seeing this long review was extremely exciting for me.
The fact that you took not just the time to formulate these intricate notions throughout reading but also took the time to articulate them is an honor itself. I never thought I could provoke any kind of analysis of the characters like this.
Though I'm sad the characters weren't cutting it for you after a while, I'm extremely glad you took the time to write this.
My thoughts are not so different. I'm aware that the story takes strange twists and turns, which consist of characters acting strange, or being inconsistant.
I suppose there are several reasons for this, many of which I'm probably not aware of, including the story going on much longer than I initially anticipated. It was supposed to end after Glenns accident and Ron's near-swallow. But right around when I posted that chapter, it began getting popular, and I was compelled to continue. It gave me the drive I needed to keep writing it.
You're correct say this "story" contains many stories, because it totally does. Once the "glenn story" ended, I began the "jack" story. because it all carried on, the story began to take the format of a series, also because of it's length. i made the mistake of adding to this one story, instead of creating others. i regret this, because now it will stand on its own with my different ideas.
Again, I am extremely glad you analyzed the characters as you have. This is important to me, because the character development is so important in my story. I initially wished only to develop the characters, in order to intensify feelings of mental humiliation and such. Inadvertantly I suppose, as I tried to create embarrassing situations, the characters began to blossom a bit. Before I knew it, I relied heavily on the characters traits to continue the story.
This may have been the turning point that you have seen. Before, I developed the characters strictly for the situations. After, the characters stood as themselves, with situations around them.
If I could do it again, I would have added the erica/jack portions in a new story, and allowed this story to end. but, as I got too excited, I simply kept adding to it, taking on the form of a lonnggg series in one whole piece of story. Now, sadly, the story as a whole will constantly decrease and increase in quality, as better and worse quality chapters will continuously be added until I'm finished.
I hope you do come back soon, and I hope you enjoy what the story eventually becomes. initially, I wrote it just for fun. But then, when I got excited over the reads and reviews, I wanted to continue, instead of creating new stories and characters, because I knew the readers were attached. this can have it's pros and cons I suppose.
one reason i think youll like what it eventually becomes is because I intend on reverting back to my old perspective on the story. I'll be thinking more on a short term scale, than a long one. This is how I wrote the beginning, as it was just supposed to be a short term thing. Things will get back to business, instead of being more "drawn out".
Again, thanks for your review, because it reflects many of my own thoughts already, and has shown me many others.
check back soon Gerald! I don't want to lose such an insightful reader
Tiny man steal, politburo find. Read to find out how end.
Who says anybody serious will read it?
Author's Response:
I hope those h8rs don't!
[Reviews - 4] Cindy and her girlfriend Toni have hit a rut in their relationship. The passion just seems to have faded away. Neither is ready to give up yet though and Toni's physicist brother has lent her something that may bring the passion back.
Nice beginning, so far - the introductions are important to immerse in the story (and I may know it better than many), but he should have told her about it before shrinking (yes, even knowing she would not believe - it is important to prepare) - and even then shrinking himself would be so much better to ease her into this.
I do not mean to criticize your plan, but it seems Cindy would be afraid, petrified even - at relative 45 feet tall Toni must seem like small office building - only moving and vivid... in such situation - upon discovery of the impossible - she would be speechless, scared out of her wits... or at least angry for what he did to her - and most certainly not "wet and tingly", that is unless they had a common history of being attracted to those kinds of things.
As for the characters, it is nice that You are trying to tell a story in the background and I hope they eventually tell us why their relationship was cold in the first place to better understand their size spiced interactions.
5 stars because I can see the potential - if you keep the consistency and creatively explore various things they may do instead of just limiting to naughty parts play (which tends to happen in a lot of stories - I think we have enough).
Also - personally I find the idea of being recorded in such situations disgusting.. not sure if any females would like to see their private parts themselves - they are fun for the other gender, but I do not think many of non-narcissistic people consider their own parts very alluring.
Author's Response:
Thank you for the reivew. Easing her into it may be have been a better way to go about it now that I think about it. I kind of liked the element of surprise though. I guess I had to use a pit of the poetic license on that one. I don't want this to be one off story meant soley for... gratification but at the same time I don't want to wait to long to get to the meaty part of the story I'm hoping to strike a balance here.
I don't tink I mentioned anyhting about being recorded in the story, the device that shrunk her merely looked like a camera (or a Xbox Kinect).
Again thank you for the review,I hope you continue to enjoy the story.
PYS
Jack's best friend calls him over for a day. He stays alot longer than that. She's got a secret to show him, one that he'll surely NEVER forget.
Nice beginning, but please not only foot stuff - she must have some other ideas in mind and they should quickly find out that playing with feet is not the only thing they can do at this size...
Not to mention that 2 inch tall person would barely be able to do anything with them (except tickling, perhaps - still possibly nice, but really - that is why I am not much of a macro foot fan).
Anyway - hope she does not turn evil - that would be silly (even temporarily - sure, she may angry for something, but seriously.. she is his friend for how long?)
And of course - looking forward to the continuation. I hope they not only have some fun, but also talk with each other - she can always tell him what she feels about him while he is working, right?
Especially how she wants to have a conversation!
Author's Response:
Yo! Love your reviews! And don't worry man, foot stuff isn't my main 'thing'. I'll try not to be feet heavy. I'll go balance it out, ok? Happy reading!
The problem is what for does she need her finger so badly right now... why not just enjoy the moment - and why so quickly annoyed? I'd rather think she would be overjoyed by his passion...
I understand the plan for a slight turn to domination, but seriously... Otherwise was good.
Author's Response:
She is! Twas a game they were playing in which Jack doth achieved a stalemate!
Firstly, I never understood why people facebook, whatever... I guess - no, I have no idea.
Secondly, the password, well.. at least TWi1li@ms or similar to keep brute attacks at bay. Additionally I think it might have been much more interesting if he was stepping (jumping?) on the keys and she connected the letters, I am not trying to tell you how the story should go, just.. I would love if You made their play a bit more sophisticated and detailed, like while "writing" he could go "and now press shift, no, no, keep it down" - also very humbling that he needs help with such things, You know. Just a random idea to stimulate Your imagination :>
Thirdly - no offense, but... duck season?
Fourthly, when I write dialogues, I try to keep continuous sentences of a single character in the same paragraph - it helps the readers to figure out who says what.. after all we do not hear their voices so it is easy to get lost (like when she - apparently - said "You look tired." - just another random thought.
And lastly: tired after just several minutes? I know he orgasmed but still.. he just slept for a couple hours.
Otherwise all good and looking forward to the next chapter.
Author's Response:
No, I guess I should explain. I guess I could next chapter. His new body has many different characteristics about it. There's a lot and I'll most likely get them in.
When Brad Oberly gets kidnapped by a group of men, he wakes up in a cell, shrunk. People are using him as a tiny test subject, but what will happen?
Seriously.. tests? It barely worked in the game, maybe if the puzzles weren't so ridiculously easy and it feels empty in a story - but at least You haven't named her Caroline.
When it comes the story itself - hard to say, as virtually nothing happened yet, we don't know the characters at all, they barely conversed with each other, no information on their motives, thoughts, ideas, feelings...
The previous (4th) chapter wasn't short, it was just a couple sentence note - the entire story is short, I for one would like an average chapter to should be longer than all of it so far.
It may get more interesting later, but haven't seen anything so far - and thus no rating.
How far is Amy willing to go to test her experiment when it shrinks her son?
What I don't like about incest is that motherly feelings don't work this way. A real mother wouldn't have tested the formula on her son and even if did, she would have dedicated all her efforts to fix him - and definitely not play with her son.. especially sexually.
Now, I don't care about Your deviations, but it simply unreliable - and if You wanted casual careless fun, then why not make her shrink some lab assistant? Plenty of choices there - and surely she would play with him and so on.
I also don't like the contrast of their behaviours in the two chapters. While one can barely understand Jake's switch from scared to unwilling - but I personally believe it would take hours or even days to get accustomed to such situation for a person that never was into such fetishes (and I understand he wasn't?) - but the Amy's turn from motherly love to forceful shrinking... I think it would be much better if You gave Jask some room for decision or at least explained her emotions transition some more.
I could find it believable that she would like to have some playtime once discovering the antidote - and he can always shrink back later. It would also convince Jake that he doesn't have to worry that much.
But I'm not trying to tell You how to write your story, just.. please don't make the characters so ridiculously shallow and unreliable like so many other stories (both Your and other authors).
I can see some potential here (that's why 4), it would be a pity if they turned to be mere puppets hanging off a deus ex machina driven plot.
Now wasn't this better? A bit of remorse plus consent and they already seem more like people with feelings rather than just porn-stars.
And the porn part is not bad - so keep it coming :>
Just two suggestions though (yes, never satisfied) - she shouldn't be able to "scoop him up" in both her hands if he is half inch tall and the "blowjob" wouldn't work either - not to mention that he will definitely need to work more on his own now :>
For a project Marisol gets paired with Fischer who is her foil in everyway. It bothers her to no end how he mocks everything she believes in and still manages to do better than her at school, she'd love nothing more than the chance to put him in his place.
Disappointed.
Author's Response:
Reason being?
First three chapters suggested there may be something more than porn here, fourth one goes almost directly into it.
Complaints about sins, prayers, religion - and yet manages to only think about dominating him. Really? Not worried about his condition, hardly surprised - completely unreliable. I can already see where this is going...
Have fun, but I doubt I'll ever visit it again.
Author's Response:
Well thanks for your amazing foresight Nostradamus.
When 18 year-old James wakes up to find himself less than an inch tall, can he survive the onslaught of the day as he finds himself at the unaware mercy of his family members?
First time writing anything like this, constructive criticism is much appreciated.
Nice porn, keep them coming.
Since You mentioned some "ambitious" plans in the end notes, I think this deserves a bit longer review.
Honestly, these seven chapters were a cheap porn, nothing more - zero emotions, hardly any descriptions, absolutely no plot, basically nothing outside some hints of what have happened and leaving the rest for the readers to imagine.
I'm not saying that's bad and obviously You weren't aiming higher, so no disappointment there. The sole fact that I even got so far suggests it was somehow enjoyable - although I think it was not a "story", as You so generously put it.
As for any future works, well... You have a choice right now - continue this path and manufacture more of the same or try to write something actually ambitious.
Personally I hope for the latter, but it seems most readers around here just want the simple stuff. Not trying to judge, merely stating an observation.
Author's Response:
I agree, when I was writing this I didn't think much about anything other than just getting the action parts out, so yes I would agree that this is less of a story with meaning and more of just some quickly typed up porn. Honestly I didn't try with this, I had ideas that I'd thought of and I quickly put them into a situation that somewhat worked in order to write them out without it making no sense at all.
Perhaps I'm simply no good at writing about emotions or anything like that, maybe I'm all bang, I have no idea yet, I don't do this sort of thing often. I definetly had very little description, and I knew that halfway through writing.
Well, just have to acknowledge the flaws and work on it I guess, I'm glad you took the time to tell me your thoughts on this, and maybe the readers here only do want simple stuff, maybe that's all I'm really good at.
I guess we'll find out. Thanks again.
In the near future, the "surplus" population has been shrunk and restricted to underground warrens to ease humanity's strain on the environment, and only the privileged and the fortunate remain full-sized and walk in the sun. A missing person case brings a detective from the warrens into a partnership with a Federal investigator in "Big Sky Country."
What can I say? Wonderful! But – as always – some things could be better.. but probably in Your future stories, since this one is completed. You can assume everything that I don't mention to be great, it's simply pointless to tell You what You did well (I hope You are aware of that already). I was writing this as I go went the story – and reviewed later to make sure I wasn't mistaken (some of the criticism may have been storywriting devices rather than actual problems, but I made sure to edit it accordingly).
Of course I assume that You know the physics of J-K are impossible. Not in a thousand years – the atoms simply don't work like that. But that's fine – it's just fantasy after all. Good to have a consistent background for the story.
It felt like You may have introduced a bit too many characters at the start – it was better later, but with each chapter at the beginning being rather short and it seemed a bit rushed – like I had no time to really get acquainted with one person and then there was a switch to another. Perhaps would it be better to defer some more discoveries until later? I don't know.. just a random thought.
The main problem for the plot was that it's too obvious (as of 5th chapter – but checked later that I was indeed completely correct). Some more twists and surprises would be nice – not just standard mini-person kidnapping, play, torture and murder. I guess it's fine - but I would love to see more complicated story :>
6ch – breast pocket ?!? Seriously? All those regulations and a breast pocket? I thought You were better than this.. breast pocket...
7 – “rodents”, not “mice” - much more powerful message (imao). Also the plant seemed _very_ unprofessional. Far too playful for their “relationship” at that time. That bastard should also be more officially reprimanded. Also, I believe it's Vassily (from my scamp knowledge of Russian) and there's no reason for any other spices to be involved in this... (Yes, I remembered).
Also – by this time it became obvious to me that such world would look much differently (in my opinion). I figured (after first 7) that You were leading the descriptions at the beginning to portray the jaked people as something less than a human, but even if they were considered poor and pathetic – I think they would still be far more common on the outside. With proper laws and regulations, of course – but a lot of people keep pets and such humans would make perfect teachers, wardens and so on... I'm sure a huge work market would have emerged. Priyanka would be more familiar with the sight of a small human even from TV and various tales. The people outside would still pay good money for the services inside – in the post-information world, small people are worth just as much as the regular ones. I understand this would break the story, but.. I hope that You are aware of this.
8 – I don't think she would feel comfortable doing that with a stranger inside her house. Jaked or not – seriously.
9 – I don't think GPS is this accurate indoors.. she could have simply seen some traces of his journey.
11 – and the same for other “delicacies” earlier: jaked people would have no problems affording them. In fact, if the physics allows them to eat and drink normal matter, they would only need 1/13824th of the full-sized amount making it a bargain. Seriously – 5k dollar wine bottle would have be enough for thousands or small people... by less than a dollar a piece? Their lives may actually be far more exquisite than many on the outside.
Also – personally I think You should have left it for the end of the story.. I felt more worried about the missing folks and couldn't find myself excited about their play at all. While I don't understand normal people, I'm still not sure if they would do that given that... they only knew each other for how long, two days? Porn and deviations aside – why do You assume the second thing (after meeting being the first) two work acquaintances will do is to indulge in sexual activities.. I'm seriously serious.
Even with potentially the last day of their work together – they could always meet up later. Temporary emigration was not forbidden after all... The final romantic evening before the bride dies only happens in movies and is more tedious than fun.
And why passing out? He would already have earlier if he was shocked or terrified by this ordeal. I don't think their quick trek wouldn't tire him that much.
Also – You could have named the chapters somehow.. the “14. Chapter 13” looks silly :>
14 – I don't know if this is Your best shot at “terrible atrocities” but far worse things happen in the real world to regular sized people and nobody gives a... Marco would have easily expected that and he wouldn't be struck or anything he saw there.
Personally, I think many jaked people would have volunteered for such acts, for a fair pay and a promise of safety, of course. This practice simply wouldn't be uncommon – and kidnapping would probably aim to satisfy more sadistic segment of the market.
When it comes to the final death.. people die. That's what they do – there's plenty of death everywhere. Even with some added humiliation and hopelessness it doesn't make it overly bad – a small war brings far more
15 – the overall conclusion seemed too easy, maybe not so much deus-ex-machina'ish, but still hardly satisfying. Realistically speaking he could just go in, record some footage and get out – but I know, where's the heroism in that? Such last-moment rescue was more exciting and spectacular, although seemed a bit shallow. Perhaps a more sophisticated plan and explanation would be better, but still very nice.
Additionally – we hardly got to know any of the “bad guys” and they seemed very simplistic. Almost “axiomatically evil” - with hardly any emotions about what they were doing. The Chadwell guy was fine – it was just business for him, but Blyte felt empty. Just my personal opinion after reading the final chapters.
Also – jaking seems hardly sufficient for the offenders, death sentence at least... or worse.
All in all – the most thought-through and realistic story I've read in years. Great attention to details and decent idea for a plot (which seemed a bit simple and obvious from the very beginning, but nice nonetheless). Hope You'll write something more and won't let succumb to cheap porn.
And please don't get me wrong – I certainly enjoyed the story massively, just wanted to point out the little problems I noticed along the way. Keep up the good work!
Thanks and regards,
Gerald
Kayla Fox was hiding her relationship with her girlfriend from her extremely religious family. Then, her boss turns her world upside-down. Now she must rely on the ones that love her to save her. The question on her mind is; who truly loves her?
Well, Your other story is utterly worthless so far - the girls behave like crack-addict gorillas only just signed up for rehab and the guy is simply a doll. Without proper context and reasons for such sadistic actions, they are meaningless. Not to mention that You've already broken all his bones...
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind some good violence, but it must have a point - and the 'stream ..' is just completely devoid of anything like that. Well, it has tons of mindless action, of course, but nothing meaningful.
This one has a lot of potential, it seems. I liked the introductions a lot so far, not much to add, really - maybe just several small remarks:
1. I'm not sure if You are ignorant about it or just trying to make her seem dumb, but alleles don't work like that - a child of two parents with brown eyes and dark hair can be blue/blond, but chances of that are fairly small (something like 1/8 or 1/16 for both at most, if I recall correctly, assuming she was not a result of inbreeding - but that's not "extremely rare").
2. I always thought "jailbait" meant something a bit different... Also, is it just my ignorance or is everything in the world turns to sex whenever I'm not looking? I mean, come on.. at 17 she should be out of puberty already... Not to mention that Kayla's frustrations and insecurity about her feminineness is just.. annoying.
3. I think it would be better not to add any more categories - it breaks the discovery when new readers are starting to go through it. I mean.. it doesn't matter for porn, but stories with an actual plot... You know, spoilers are bad in general.
4. Hmm, is this what a sexual harassment looks like? I mean.. I've never seen anything like this in the real world.. or perhaps it's just my ignorance again. Also when it comes to Kayla's family - her emotions seem too rebellious for that age, but then maybe it's just my logical thinking - especially how I've been financially independent since I was.. fifteen? I don't know, just random thoughts - and of course she may have reasons for behaving like that and they simply weren't explained yet - so no worries.
5. A mug of tea as a consolation gift from her boss? Seriously? The rest of the day off might be reasonable, but.. to accept it just like that? I mean, a convenient plot device most likely - especially coupled with the story description, but... come on - You can do better than that!
6. And finally, does she need the money so much that she is willing to ignore the crazy behaviors in the office? Especially coming from several co-workers at once. I mean.. I don't know in what decade the story is positioned, but if it's modern times then... it's not eighties anymore and surely it wouldn't look nice on her resume, but a harassment suit would be far worse for her boss - I'm sure they would figure out a reasonable way to terminate her employment with a decent letter. I'm not sure about the lowly paid jobs, but that's what I would envision a real world person would do. Of course I understand she is 17, but seriously.. doesn't she read newspapers or watch tv? I don't know.. use internet for anything other than porn?
All in all, seems great - the side characters are plainly (perhaps it's even too obvious) as a background for her future ventures (dominative co-worker, indulgence-demanding boss, lovable girlfriend, sadistic sisters, caring mother, indifferent father) and they will surely make nice descriptions, but...
I hope You have something more interesting planned plot-wise, because those things already seem too simple - and Your descriptions are definitely great and everything, just... You can do better than some cheap porn! There is not much that would suggest such turn in near future, but I've already seen too many promising stories being reduced to that for no apparent reason...
It would really feel terrible to witness such decline happening to something actually deep and well-thought.
Thanks for writing this and looking forward to the next chapters,
Gerald
Author's Response:
Maybe they ARE crack-addict gorillas! ;O
1. Well, it was partly to make her seem no completely informed (not necessarily dumb, don't jump to such conclusions), and partly because I like to keep things relatively simply explained on a scientific level. This isn't a biology lesson.
2. Lots of characters annoy me, but that doesn't mean they're not good characters. It doesn't even mean I dislike them, it just means they annoy me.
3. Well, seeing as I added 'butt' just because Sabrina grabbed Kayla's butt, I don't think it should be too much of a spoiler.
4. Sexual harassment comes in many, many forms. And yeah, making some assumptions there; like her rebelliousness is just a product of being at 'that age'. Hopefully you'll enjoy the story explanations there.
5. Sometimes I think I explained something well in the story, but I did a crap job of it. A mug of tea is NOT a good consolation gift. Kayla, however, is very forgiving and docile. Doesn't mean she's shy, just hates conflict. For her, a mug of tea is enough. Aaaand hopefully I'll get to the point where I can do better than that ;D
6. Again, lots of assumptions. I could tell you, but then I'd be giving you information that hasn't been released yet in the story. She's not doing it for the money though. And she loves her crazy friend, so that's not a problem for her.
Thank you so much for the review, it really means a lot to me :). Perhaps I'll surprise you with the side characters, and the future of the story in general. Maybe not, but I hope so. Thanks for reading! :)
When it comes to the tea mug I was just surprised by the part of "I took the mug with a smile and sipped it." - no concerns or criticality, I mean.. the guy just insisted on dating her, not to mention that it's not necessarily a customary thing to do (haven't ever seen anyone offering somebody coffee or tea in office like that).
I understand that he most likely wants to (spoilers, probably), I don't think it was the most robust way to kick off the story - that's all. But of course it's just a detail - and don't worry about it, just keep in mind there's at least one reader that cares about such things (I could point out more, but... yeah, I suppose it's not that critical to the developments).
As for the "forgiving and docile" - I must have built up a slightly different perception of Kayla after reading both chapters: somewhat more decisive and assertive, perhaps even a tiniest bit cocky - especially after the thoughts on her boss and dad, then rejecting the "just coffee", I mean, she could have been convinced by that.
Again - no worries, she seems consistent enough to be believable and I'm sure we will understand her much better in the next chapters :>
As for the gorillas - I didn't know You meant to write a documentary about nature - although not necessarily in their normal habitat, I suppose ;>
