Hebe was in the process of tying back a shirt that was a little too long into a pseudo-crop when Elaine turned away from the closet half dressed and holding up two shirts for Hebe’s judgement.
“The yellow?” she said, holding up a cropped sweater to their torso, “or the green?”
“That’s teal,” said Hebe dryly.
Elaine looked down at it while holding it in front of her. “No it’s fucking not. This is green.”
“I swear to god Elaine how are you this fucking colorblind,” they said, threading a piece of twine through the belt loops on their black jeans. “It’s literally teal.”
“FINE, the yellow or the TEAAL?” She said the last word in a mocking tone.
“It depends, are you going to put on pants?” Hebe joked.
“You are actually useless,” Elaine sighed, turning back to the closet.
Hebe chuckled and finally answered, “the yellow.” Elaine said a sarcastic “thank youuu,” before picking out a pair of shorts and putting on her glasses.
“Do you think she’ll like these, or should I put in my contacts?”
Hebe dropped what they were doing and put their hands on their hips. “WHY are you so worried about what to wear? It’s literally a person we met THIS WEEK coming to OUR apartment.” Inside, Hebe knew exactly why Elaine was acting this way, but couldn’t distinguish how they felt about it. Whenever Elaine talked about or looked at Sarah, Hebe got this weird feeling in their stomach. It felt like a hot liquid was churning around inside them.
Elaine’s cheeks turned pink, confirming Hebe’s suspicions, “I don’t know! I just… we haven’t had someone over in a while, that’s all!” she said, brushing her hair for the second or third time. Hebe had the chance to admire how good Elaine was at makeup. The pale-pink color of lipstick she’d chosen fit her skin tone perfectly and was complimented by the blush on her cheeks and nose. Not to mention her eyeshadow, which mimicked the colors of a sunset, the bright yellow bringing out the corner of her eye and the orange a shadow over her eyelids. Hebe had never really had the opportunity to do detailed makeup, since they kinda had to do it with their hands, and no one could really see it, but they hadn’t really had the urge to either. It seemed like a lot of work for something that came off after a few hours most of the time, unless it was very nice makeup and you were very careful.
“You only did one eyebrow,” Hebe said.
Elaine froze, brush still in her hair. “Shit.”
And at that exact moment, the doorbell rang.
“I’ll get it!” shouted Hebe sarcastically. Elaine gave Hebe a hostile glare before running to the door, still in the process of doing her eyebrows.
“Hey! Oh my god you look great!” Hebe could hear Sarah coming through the door but couldn’t see her from their position on the bathroom counter. They straightened out their shirt, took hold of the piece of string fastened to the towel rack down to the floor and headed to the main room. As they entered the room, a gigantic black converse high-top crashed down a few inches away from them. “Where is Hebe?”
“Down here!” Hebe shouted up at Sarah. She looked around for a moment before spotting Hebe on the floor next to her right foot. She recoiled in shock
“Oh my god I’m so sorry! Are you ok?”
“Yeah, I’m fine, you missed by a mile.”
“Hebe, you really have to be more careful when there are guests in here. They’re not used to having to look for you,” said Elaine, with more scolding than concern.
Sarah bent down to give Hebe a lift up on her hand. “Oh no it’s fine, I should be more careful. It’s your house after all.” Hebe climbed on and Sarah stood up. Once more, Hebe found themself much higher than they had expected.
“I’m gonna start some popcorn. Hebe, why don’t you show Sarah around?”
“Elaine we live in a studio, she can already see around from where we’re standing,” Hebe said with exasperation. Sarah found that amusing.
“Yeah Hebe, show me around!”
Hebe sighed and looked for something to show her. “Uh, ok over here is Elaine’s bed…” Her bed was completely decked out with pink and green pastel pillows, none of which were very comfortable. Her bedspread and sheets were clean white. Her comforter was so plush that Hebe had difficulty walking on it: any time they shifted their weight they’d sink down. “Over there, next to her bed by the window, is her desk, and kind of my room.” Sarah walked closer with Hebe to see their corner of the wooden desk, which consisted of one blue shoe filled with socks for the bed, a few small Tupperware containers in which Hebe stored their clothes and various belongings, a few battery LED lights that made a lamp of sorts which they could turn on and off as needed, and a paper screen that Hebe changed behind.
“This. Is. Adorable!!!” Sarah jolted forward, nearly causing Hebe to lose their balance. She inspected every corner of Hebe’s “room,” which didn’t take that long. Hebe knew she was just being nice: they didn’t have an especially refined sense of style. But regardless, they appreciated Sarah’s interest.
“And finally, on the other side of the room, is the living area, I guess?” In a studio, it was hard to distinguish which areas were for what purpose, but Elaine had done a good enough job dividing the room with different rugs, which made the space feel much bigger. Sarah took her shoes off and set them by the front door before stepping on the rug in their makeshift living room.
With the tour over, Sarah looked back to Elaine, and made a face of confusion. “Why are you using a wok to make popcorn?” she asked.
“No I swear it’s better! When the kernel pops it goes up to the top of the pan away from the heat so it doesn’t burn!” Elaine said while shaking the wok to mix up the popcorn and seasonings within.
“I guess that makes sense, but it doesn’t make you look any less insane right now.” Sarah propped her pink-socked feet on the (admittedly messy) coffee table and gently set Hebe in her lap. She was wearing short shorts, so her legs were mostly bare.
“Go ahead and put it on, I’m pretty much done,” Elaine said, transferring the popcorn into a bowl and moving to the living room. Hebe watched as she sat close enough to Sarah that their legs were touching. They looked up at Sarah to see her reaction. She was looking dead ahead with her lips slightly sucked in. Hebe could tell she was nervous, but not in a bad way.
Hebe was kind of annoyed. Literally the first week of school and Elaine had already found someone she was interested in. From Sarah’s body language, it looked like the feeling was mutual. Hebe had never once dated anyone in their entire 18 years of life, so how was it so easy for Elaine? Hebe knew Elaine had dated in high school, though both of them were boys, and neither of them ever found out about Hebe. Elaine was being much more forward than Hebe had ever seen her be, and they didn’t think they liked that.
“Let’s get started!” Elaine said, turning up the volume.
. . .
It was nearly eight in the evening now, and the sun was about to set. Elaine and Sarah were completely invested in the show, which they had gone through a few episodes of, but Hebe was having trouble keeping interest. Every time they tried to focus all they could think about was the two behind them.
As they were thinking, they felt Sarah shift a bit underneath them. They turned around to see Sarah had rested her hand on Elaine’s bare thigh. Elaine pretended to keep calm, but Hebe could tell she was absolutely losing her shit inside. Sarah kind of looked relieved in a way, like the energy to make that miniscule movement had taken the past forty-five minutes to muster. For a moment, Hebe sympathized with the two and thought it was sweet. But their jealousy quickly took over. Before they knew what they were doing, they scrambled over onto Elaine’s lap from Sarah’s. They could feel the gigantic eyes watching them from above and heard them giggle in a breathless, absent sort of way. Despite Hebe’s objections, they weren’t confident enough to say anything, so they just sat there staring out the window.
That was until the two interlocked their fingers.
At that moment, something inside Hebe snapped, they stood up and turned around, face bright read from the cheeks up. “Can you two not? With me right here?” Hebe didn’t yell, but the tone in their voice was one Elaine had never heard from them before. It wasn’t muted sarcasm hiding kindness, or joking, or concern. The way it rose irregularly and wobbled scared Elaine, but not as much as it scared Sarah. She instantly removed her hands and placed them in her lap. She looked as if she was about to cry. Elaine watched Sarah’s reaction in powerless agony.
The room was silent for at least two minutes. Hebe stared at Elaine who stared at Sarah who stared at nothing. Before the episode of the show they were watching was even over, Sarah said, “I should probably get going,” in a pathetic whimpery voice. Her cheeks had grown bright pink and her eyes were wet.
“No, Sarah-“ Elaine started, but Sarah had already gotten up and started gathering her things. Wordlessly, she let herself out the door.
. . .
Elaine stared at the door, mouth agape. Her eyes were darting back and forth trying to process what had just happened. Then she remembered Hebe. She turned slowly to face her lap.
"What. The FUCK.” she yelled. Hebe’s rage waivered but didn’t break.
"You two are basically fucking right in front of me! I’m SIT-TING-ON-YOU. Do you not get how that’s rude?”
Elaine started talking over Hebe mid-sentence. “FUCKING? We were HOLDING HANDS! What is your fucking problem?” Elaine got up without moving Hebe, causing them to tumble onto the couch. Hebe noticed then that Elaine’s eyeliner was running. Still, for reasons they themself couldn’t understand, Hebe pressed on.
“It doesn’t MATTER what you were doing, just fucking think about how I felt!”
Elaine tossed her hands in the air and scoffed. She was in the kitchen wiping the runny makeup off her face. “Oh, how YOU felt? How YOU felt that you just scared off the only other person I’ve been friends with in FIVE YEARS.”
“HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL,” Hebe was screaming now. Tears of their own were streaming down their cheeks, though they didn’t notice. “You’re literally the only person I have, the only person I have ANY CHANCE to have! I’m stuck like this for the rest of my FUCKING life. No one else even knows I EXIST, and if they did, they wouldn’t give a shit! You’re my best friend, my ONLY friend! What am I supposed to do if I lose you?” with the last two words, Hebe’s screams turned into a dying whisper, and all at once their body felt exhausted. They could feel the heat rising from their head and arms, the red of their cheeks, the drying tears on their face. Their knees almost buckled but they didn’t fall. Elaine stared in shock for several seconds. “What if…” Hebe whimpered, “what if you get tired of me.”
“Hebe…” Elaine didn’t know how to respond. At that moment Hebe collapsed into a ball on the couch, crying silently and staring blankly. Elaine walked over and bent down on her knees so that the two were at eye level. “How long have you been thinking this?” she whispered.
Hebe had difficulty responding. A thousand thoughts a second were flying through their head, each one passing before it could even be processed. “I don’t know,” they said weakly, “a long time.”
Elaine used one hand to roll Hebe onto the other and laid down on the couch. She brought Hebe to her chest and let her rest on it bare. She could feel that Hebe was very warm and could feel the tiny tears running off of Hebe and onto herself. The two breathed in unison, just for one moment. A moment stretched out for a length of time neither of them bothered to count. After an eternity but before the sun had set, Elaine breathed the words to Hebe, “I could never get tired of you.”
Hebe registered the words and warmth filled their chest, but they didn’t respond. Elaine continued. “I don’t love anyone in the world more than you, and I don’t think that’s about to change because of someone I met at volleyball practice.” Elaine was stroking Hebe’s back with two fingers. She could hear them sniffling loudly while she stared at the ceiling, thinking. “But I want you to understand… Love isn’t a limited resource. Just because I’m interested in someone else doesn’t mean I’ll have less love to give to you. And… Hebe, the friendship we’ve built means the world to me, but I’m an adult now. I’ve moved out of my parents’. We’re in college, meeting new people every day. Life is changing and I want to change with it. I have to.” Elaine sighed and could hear Hebe’s sobs becoming less frequent. “I’m not saying you’re not enough for me, but… I just want to experience what life has to offer me, what it’s offering me right now, because it might not come back around.”
Hebe was choking on their own words. They felt like a piece of shit. Elaine was completely right, and Hebe had only thought of themself. “I’m sorry…” they choked out.
Elaine breathed out through her nose. “You don’t have to be sorry,” she said, “everything is changing for you too. It’s natural to oppose that or be confused by it.” She returned Hebe to her palm and sat up so the two could see eye to eye. “I like Sarah. And I want you to like her too. But I understand if you don’t.”
Hebe was busy wiping the tears from their puffy eyes, and couldn’t really see that well, but they tried to look Elaine in the eyes. “No, it’s not that,” they said, strength returning to their voice, “I really do like Sarah. I just. I got jealous, I guess. I thought…” Hebe swallowed, took a deep breath, and said what was really troubling them. “I thought because of my size and the person you are and the person I am… that maybe you were the only chance I had…” they sniffled, “at love.”
Elaine smiled. “We can love each other regardless. It doesn’t have to be confined to dating or marriage or whatever the fuck the current ever-changing rules of society tell us. Even if Sarah and I fall deeply in love, and move into a cottage in the woods together and listen to Hozier all day while we dry wild berries we gather in the forest-” Hebe laughed, and snot came out their nose.
“Grooooss,” the two said in unison. Elaine used the hem of her sweater sleeve to clean Hebe’s face and continued. “Even if all that happens, at the end of a day, there’ll still be a corner of my desk just for you.”
Hebe smiled through their tears and reached out for a hug. Elaine brought them back to her chest, and for a second they were completely connected. Every emotional barrier that divides people and builds up over time, becoming higher and higher, was broken down, just for a second.
The second passed. “I should probably apologize to Sarah,” Hebe said with regret.
"Yeah, you probably should,” Elaine sighed in response.