Chapter 4:

A night away from everything convinced me that I had to go home. It wasn’t a decision I made lightly. There was a whole crop of problems that could potentially grow out of my decision to leave.

The paramount concern I had was about Jackie. Ever since I met her, not a single doubt had crept into my mind. She and Maggie were the two people I trusted most. And Jackie I trusted even more.

Jackie and I hadn’t been girlfriend and boyfriend long enough for me to know if she felt the same way. If Jackie left for a week or two, as much as I would miss her, I would accept it. If she wasn’t as accepting, our prospects of continuing as a couple didn’t look so hot.

After some hemming and hawing at Pauline’s apartment, it became obvious that I only had one option. I had already decided to go home, so I had to tell Jackie the truth.

Another thing was how and when to tell Maggie that I was shrinking. She was my closest friend at college, but if I wasn’t willing to tell her what was going on with me, was she really a friend? Right now, I was procrastinating, telling myself I would tell her eventually.

Another concern I had was that I would be missing the party Vicky was throwing that night. She and her sidekicks made it clear that they wanted me at that party. Me accepting the invitation only to spurn it later would certainly lead some problems later on.

I pushed my lesser concerns to the side because Jackie was the only person that mattered. As I got into Pauline’s car en route to my dorm, Jackie called me.

I eagerly picked up the phone, “Jackie, hi!”

“I’m SO sorry I didn’t call you last night, Desmond! I was...busy. What’s wrong? Are you alright?!”

She was ‘busy’. If only she’d known her captain paid me a visit.

“Well, no. I’m not ok,” I said, “Can we meet?”

“Of course! Let’s meet at the Starbucks just off-campus. Half an hour?”

“I’ll be there.”

“Are you sure you’re ok? You sound upset.”

“Jackie, it’s kinda hard to explain over the phone. This is something we have to talk about in person.”

“You’re scaring me, Desmond. You’re not telling me anything, is it serious?”

“There’s nothing to be scared of, but something’s happening to me that I can’t quite explain unless you see me. Just be there on time, ok?”

“I will. I hope you know that I’m here for you.”

“I know.”

And with that, we hung up. Well, I hung up. Talking to her over the phone was more difficult than I thought it would be. I had no idea how she would react to this, and the uncertainty made me sick to my stomach.

I was pretty sure that I was small enough for her to notice that something was amiss without me telling her first. I had shrunk quite a bit since I last saw her.

I tried to think of how I would react if a friend of mine came to me five inches shorter and thirty pounds lighter than I last saw him. My reaction would be a cocktail of confusion and disbelief. I would probably be at an utter loss for words. I would probably be walking on eggshells, not knowing what to do or say.

I discarded my hypothetical because it only stressed me out more. I wished I didn’t have to see Jackie and explain this craziness to her, but at the same time, it was all I wanted to do. While I didn’t want to expose my vulnerability, I needed to see her face before I left. I needed to get lost in her innocent doe eyes one more time. I needed to hear her orgasmic voice sing in my ears one more time. I needed to obsess over her gargantuan height one more time.

It was all because I was afraid of the worst-case scenario; if she were to end it.

It wasn’t at all inconceivable. What girl wanted to date a rapidly shrinking weakling? We hadn’t even gone on a single actual date yet, so it wasn’t reasonable to think she would stick around. There was no doubt that we had forged quite a connection in the short time we’d spent together, but I was terrified that our brief connection wouldn’t be enough to sustain her interest in me.

Perhaps, me meeting with her was a repeat of my past mistakes. Maybe I was trying to salvage a relationship that was clearly over, and my attempt to save it would leave me even more heartbroken. I thought about telling Pauline to drop me off at my dorm and skip Starbucks. I thought about avoiding Jackie for the rest of my time at college to spare her from my dysfunctional life.

But she deserved an explanation. And if I stood her up, she would hate me forever. The thought of her heart being plagued by hate just because I was too afraid to explain myself—well, it made me sick.

Pauline noticed my nervous fidgeting in my seat. She put a hand on my shoulder and tried to comfort me.

“I know you’re nervous about how she’ll take this. All you can do is go in there and tell her the truth. You don’t know what is causing this. This isn’t your fault. I hope you know that.”

Without looking at her, I said, “I know.”

We sat in relative silence until we arrived at the Starbucks.

“You’re gonna do fine,” she said.

“I don’t need a damn pep talk, Pauline.”

“I don’t know about that, dude. You look like you just saw a ghost. Listen to me, if she doesn’t understand what you’re going through, then she wasn’t worth your time in the first place.”

“What do you know?” I sniped back at her, “I’m in love with this girl, if she doesn’t understand—I don’t know what the fuck I’ll do.”

“Desmond, I’m almost ten years older than you. I’ve had my fair share of lost loves. There is a chance that you’ll leave that café with Jackie as your first lost love. Or maybe things will work out. The only way you’ll know is if you try.”

I turned to face Pauline, and I swallowed hard.

“Thanks. I know I’ve been a dick to you for the past week, and you haven’t done a thing to deserve that type of treatment. I gotta go now.”

“Hey, before you go. Call me if you get any smaller. And measure yourself every morning!” She yelled out to me as I jogged into the Starbucks. I turned around and gave her two thumbs up.

As much as I didn’t want to admit it, Pauline’s little pep talk instilled me with at least the base level of the necessary confidence to finally confront Jackie.

I went to order something at the register, even though the butterflies in my stomach urged me to consume nothing.

Not liking coffee in the slightest, I started ordering a vanilla Frappuccino. I heard it tasted more like a milkshake.

Then, a tap came on my shoulder. Confused, I started to turn around, and before I knew who it was behind me, I noticed a huge shadow spanned across my whole body.

Fully turned around, all I saw was creamy white legs in mesh short shorts. I looked up, and there she was, grinning from ear to ear and waving.

“Jackie!” I exclaimed with surprise.

“Hi! I have a table over there already, silly! I even bought you a coffee already.”

“Um, ok.”

Is she playing dumb? Or does she really not notice that I’m five inches shorter?

Her table had stools, stools that were quite tall. I struggled trying to wrestle my little body up on the seat. As embarrassed as I was, I hoped she would get the hints I was dropping. I was small before I shrank, but I was definitely tall enough to sit in stools without flailing around like a wounded animal.

“Do you need help?” She asked, utterly free of judgement.

I stopped her before she picked me up.

“Do you notice something, Jackie?”

“What do you mean?”

I couldn’t believe it. She was totally oblivious. Anger was creeping around every corner in my brain, and it was threatening to pounce. I did my best to control my emotions.

“Jackie, please take a good look at me, my body. Tell me if you see anything different about me.”

As requested, she kneeled down and examined me.

“Desmond, I don’t know what you want me to see. Please just tell me what’s wrong. I’m worried about you.”

“Jackie, I’m five inches shorter! I don’t get how you haven’t already noticed!”

Seemingly unaware that I was enraged, she wrapped her arm around the small of my back and pulled me next to her to compare.

My shoulders were level with her hips. I was a child standing next to his mother. I was a kindergartener pining after a hot eighth grader. It was amazing, horrifying, sexy and everything in between.

Then she grabbed me by both of my shoulders and shifted me to the front of her. She petted my hair, her touch almost causing my eyes to roll back in my head. Her ability to defuse my anger with just a simple touch bordered on supernatural.

She flipped me around at a dizzying speed. All I could see was her exposed midriff. It was so toned, so tantalizing. In my head, I thanked her skimpy white belly shirt she had on for the incredible view I now had. And the fact that I didn’t even have to bend down to have this amazing, complete view of her belly was outrageous to me. And it turned me on even more.

There was something different about her belly button being level with my eyes. It made me feel so small, insignificant, even inadequate. Those feelings of tininess and inadequacy, instead of making me flaccid, only aroused me further. I couldn’t think straight because her huge, curvy body filled my entire field of view.

“Hey, you do look a little smaller. That’s really weird. How did this happen?”

I was enamored with her, so naturally, I heard nothing she said. Then I started to rise up in the air. She was lifting me, but it felt more like being in a hot air balloon. I slowly ascended the length of her entire body until she and I were eye to eye.

She waited to speak, making sure I was being fully attentive and was no longer distracted. She nodded to ask if I was still in trance. I nodded back to indicate that I was ready to listen.

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice when you first came in, Desmond. You looked a bit skinnier, but I didn’t notice that you were shorter. I think it might be because I’m so damn tall!”

Willing to give her the benefit of the doubt even when she didn’t deserve it, I said, “Yeah, that could explain it.”

“Desmond, I know this must be hard for you, so please forgive me. I didn’t mean to be so insensitive before.”

“I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to snap at you before. I’m just a little on edge.”

“It’s ok to be angry. I would expect nothing less. I mean, how crazy is this? You’re shrinking!”

“Yes, but believe it or not, I’d rather you not yell that out here. It’s not something I really want to broadcast to the world.”

“Sorry,” she said sheepishly.

Although every part of me adored being in Jackie’s arms, my insecurities were bubbling to the surface. She was cradling me like her newborn. She was one step away from swaddling me.

She must’ve gotten the hint because finally, she placed me in my seat. I was dreading what I had to tell her next.

“I’m glad you’re being so supportive. It’s been a tough week.”

“Wait? It’s been a week since you knew you were shrinking, and you didn’t think to tell me?” she asked.

“I know I should’ve told you earlier, but I wasn’t certain that I was actually getting smaller until yesterday. When I was certain, I texted you. I didn’t want to worry you. I haven’t even told my mother yet.”

Her hand stretched across the table to grasp mine. Tingles rippled through my body. I could never prepare for her touch. It damn near incapacitated me every time.

“I care more about trust than my feelings. If you have a serious problem, let me in. That’s what a girlfriend is for.”

Hearing her call herself my girlfriend was a thing of fantasy. Never did I think a girl of her caliber would voluntarily choose to be with me. And now it was official. Jackie was my girlfriend. No more uncertainty, no more tiptoeing around it.

“Girlfriend.”

“Haha, what?” she asked.

“It’s just nice that to hear it out loud.”

“It’s good to hear that you think it’s nice.”

Before things got too mushy, I veered the conversation back to what I needed to tell her.

“As much as I wish this were a date right now, I have some important things to tell you. Let’s try not to get distracted by each other for two minutes.”

“Ok, I’ll try not to get distracted by your impeccable muscles,” she joked as she squeezed my arm.

Even though that joke was in bad taste, I ignored it.

“I know we just started dating, and I know you want to jump in right away. So do I. Unfortunately, me shrinking is fucking everything up. And I know that’s not what you want to hear, so I’m sorry—”

“Desmond, whatever you need to tell me, tell me. The suspense is killing me.”

The jig was up. It was truth time.

“I’m going home, and I don’t know for how long. One or two weeks probably. I need to be with family right now, and they need to see me.”

Jackie wasn’t the type to mince words. She quickly responded with an alternative.

“Why don’t you stay with me in the Volleyball House? I share my bedroom with another freshmen girl named Carly, but I can tell her to sleep on the couch.”

“I would love to, but I already have a bus ticket to Boston.”

“Cancel it. Like you said, let’s jump in now!”

This was what I feared. She thought she was being sexy, but my mind was already made up. No amount of sexy pleading from her would get me to stay.

“If I wasn’t dealing with this, I would do whatever you want. You gotta understand what I’m going through here. I need my family.”

“Desmond, please stay. Give us a chance. I can be there for you. I can help you through this.”

“I have no doubt that you will help me through this. You can facetime me while I’m away, and as soon as I get back, we will have that first date. I promise.”

“You just got to college. Now you’re just going to leave? It seems crazy.”

“Well, what’s happening to me is crazy. I shouldn’t be shrinking, but it’s happening, and it changes things for me. I mean, what if I just never stop shrinking? No medical doctor in the world knows anything about my condition. I’m fucked, Jackie. Fucked! Home is the only thing I know, and there’s where I need to be right now. I’ll stay up to date with my classes, and you can text me as much as you want. But I am going home, either way.”

I attempted to anticipate the worst-case scenario, but what she said next still surprised me.

“I’m disappointed in you, Desmond.”

“Disappointed in me? What are you talking about?”

“I thought you believed in us.”

“I do believe in us. That’s why I came here in the first place. I wanted to be honest with you and tell you what was going on. If I could, I would stay here. I mean, as soon as I walk in the door of my house, my sister is going to torture me.”

“Just another reason for you to stay.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you gotta understand—I’ve known you for a week. I don’t feel like myself. I’m sick. Something is very very wrong with me. I’m anxious almost all the time now. When I feel better, we can resume this.”

“When you feel better? You said you’d be coming back in one or two weeks.”

“I don’t know how long I’m gonna be gone. I need to figure out what the hell is going on with me. And frankly, walking around campus this small is really hard. I’m usually the shortest person everywhere I go. I’m used to that, but this is different. Five-foot nothin’ girls are like giants to me now.”

“I can walk you to class,” she pleaded, “We can make this work.”

“You’re not getting it, so I’m gonna put it bluntly. I am going home. I’ve made up my mind already.”

“You’re making a big mistake, Desmond.”

“What is wrong with you? I’m shrinking, and I have no idea when it’s gonna stop! I’m terrified! I’m terrified I’ll never be the same height again. I’m terrified of how small I could become. And in the middle of all that, you make this all about yourself. I get that you don’t want me to leave but come on!”

“I’m not making this about me. I’m making this about us.”

I leaned in close to her, “I don’t want to lose you, Jackie. I really don’t. You’re probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But I have to be honest with you. Us. You and me. That’s not my priority right now. Getting my shrinking under control is, so if you can’t grapple with that, I don’t know what to tell you.”

All she said in response was, “Out.”

I sat back in my chair completely dumbfounded. The venom in her voice was palpable. And she thought she could just order me to get out.

“Get…out,” she repeated.

I got caught in a tsunami of melancholy. It sent me spiraling down and down into what I called my “Hall of Blame”. It was a museum in my head that chronicled tattered relationships, severed friendships, and all of my worst moments. There was a hierarchy, and this moment shot to the top of the list instantly.

A past version of myself would’ve stayed in the Starbucks and continued the argument with Jackie. The past me would try everything in order to knock sense into her.

And it wouldn’t have worked. It only would’ve made things worse. I had enough mental clarity to hop off my stool and walk out. I accepted that I couldn’t salvage this.

A girl named Jackie was no longer mine. And I was no longer hers.