Disclaimer: The Metal Gear series and all related characters are the creation of the gaming genius Hideo Kojima and the property of Konami.

This is a story that was originally completed on 9-30-2007, and I'm now adding to this archive.

Well, except for Sailor Moon. That last one was in a class all of its own, Snake thought, shuddering inwardly. He still couldn't decide which vice of Otacon's was worse: the giantess fetish thing or his anime obsession.

At last, feeling began to return, and vision and hearing started to come back. He desperately hoped to find himself sitting down in that VR chair in that computer lab. His heart sank when he found himself to be standing instead of sitting. And when he could see again, he found himself and Otacon standing in the middle of what seemed to be a wireframe model of another city. "Otacon," Snake said softly.

"Y-Yeah," said Otacon.

Snake swiftly grabbed Otacon by the collar of his coat and shook him violently. "YOU SAID THERE WEREN'T ANY MORE!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?" he demanded fervently.

"But there aren't a-any m-more!" Otacon managed to get out as Snake kept on shaking him. "I d-don't remember programming the characters models and AI for any giantesses other than the ones we've seen!"

"Is that so?" Snake asked dubiously. "Then I ask again: What the HELL is this?"

"There's no new girls to fight, I'm sure of that," said Otacon. "So I don't get why...." Otacon fell silent as his eyes widened. "Oh no.... OH NO!!!"

"What NOW!?" Snake demanded.

"Like I said, there's no one new. But this is one last thing I started slapping together to end the whole string of VR scenarios," Otacon explained quickly. "It's sort of a...." Thunderous footfalls cut Otacon off as a shadow fell over them. Snake and Otacon looked up to see a colossal Holly White standing over them, grinning down at them with a playful look on her face. "A boss attack mode," Otacon finished weakly.

Snake stared up at Holly stupidly, not even bothering to reach for a weapon as she slowly lowered her hand to scoop them up. But even louder crashing booms resounded throughout the wireframe city, and before Snake could even blink, a titanic Chris Jenner stepped right over the two of them and tackled Holly to the ground, creating a tremor that knocked them off their feet. "There they go again," Otacon muttered, watching the giant Delta Force soldier put Holly in a sleeper hold.

"And we should get going again," said Snake, turning to run. But he stopped and turned back when he realized Otacon wasn't moving.

And that was because Otacon was too busy staring slack-jawed at the giant wrestling lady soldiers. "Damn that's sexy," he said breathlessly. Snake gave him a solid punch in the back of the head, nearly flooring him, then grabbed his arm and ran off with him in tow. But they didn't get far before they saw Meryl Silverburgh coming for them as well. She was also leering down at them evilly, a devilish and playful look on her face as well. "Uh oh," said Otacon as Meryl stomped toward them.

"Hey look on the bright side. Maybe she'll stick you in between her breasts this time," Snake said half-jokingly. Meryl was nearly on top of them, but once again Chris stepped right over them to tackle Meryl to the ground, yelling something loudly. Snake really couldn't understand her, but he could make out words like 'bitch', 'whore' and 'skank'. And as if their little wrestling match wasn't chaotic enough, Holly had gotten up, rushed at them, and slammed their heads together.

But Snake and Otacon didn't stick around to see how the three-way wrestling match went after that, having decided to make themselves scarce. They ran and turned a corner, and Snake half-expected to hear booming footsteps any minute and constantly looked over his shoulder for signs of pursuit. Snake turned to Otacon. "How am I supposed to beat ALL EIGHT of these girls!?" he asked him as they kept on aimlessly running. "We'd better find some more weapons and ammo, fast. I've hardly got anything left."

"Uh, weapons?" Otacon asked delicately.

Snake's face fell. "Oh no, don't tell me you didn't program in any...."

Neither Snake or Otacon had been watching where they were going, so it was no surprise that they ran right into something. Snake fell flat on his ass, and when he regathered his wits and looked up, he found it wasn't a wireframe wall he'd hit, but a gigantic black, high-heeled shoe. He craned his neck to look up, seeing a gigantic Mei Ling looming over the two of them. She looked down at them with adoration, a broad smile on her cute face. "Eep," was all he could get out.

"So we meet again, Snake," she said sweetly. "You know, we didn't get to finish that last dance of ours."

Horrifying visions of the DDR session from hell went through Snake's mind. "Oh no no no," he muttered as he got up and backed away. Mei Ling's eyes never wavered from them, and as Snake backed away, she slowly bent down to grab them. That goaded them into turning around, ready to run like hell. But upon turning around, they found that a giant Emma Emmerich had snuck up on them, and she was now staring down Mei Ling angrily.

"Hey, back off!" sneered Emma. "If anyone gets to have fun with Hal, it's me!" Snake winced at the mention of that, once again afraid that he would learn more about Otacon's past than he ever wanted to know.

"Now just a minute, missy!" Mei Ling shot back, taking a step toward Emma and conveniently giving Snake and Otacon another peek up her skirt...which of course they couldn't resist. "Who said that...."

A loud bang cut Mei Ling off, and the air was rent by a scream of agony from Emma. She fell to the street with a booming thud, clutching her knee. "Who the hell...someone SHOT ME!!" she shrieked. Snake broke out into a cold sweat, fearing that he knew who just shot Emma.

Sure enough, more thunderous footsteps came from down the street. Mei Ling turned around, only to get smacked in the face with the butt end of an enormous PSG1. Mei Ling crumpled, her outstretched arm coming dangerously close to crushing Snake and Otacon when she fell. Snake looked up again, and this time, Sniper Wolf stood over them, holding her rifle and fixing them with a cold, hungry stare. "Uh, I think we were better off with Emma," muttered Snake.

"At least YOU would've been," Otacon shot back as Sniper Wolf stepped over Mei Ling, her boot slamming into the ground by the duo and knocking them off their feet. She bent down to grab them, but yet again fate intervened at just the right time. The Boss rushed right for Wolf, grabbing her sniper rifle and dismantling it at warp speed, then used CQC to slam her into the side of a wireframe building.

"Big Boss learned everything he knew from HER!?" Snake cried in disbelief as they ran again. "Then how was I able to kill him with nothing but a cigarette lighter and a can of spray paint?" But no answer came for his query as the Boss stepped over the bodies of the other three giantesses. Or at least she tried to, for when the Boss tried to step over Emma, she tripped her. The Boss came periliously close to crushing Snake and Otacon when she fell; they had been so close, Snake could feel strands of her hair tickling his face as he was knocked upward several feet.

The Boss immediately got back up, but Holly came out of nowhere and put her in a headlock. Meanwhile, Wolf and Mei Ling were trying to get back up as well, but they too got blindsided. Chris slammed Mei Ling down onto the street and tried to choke her, while Meryl started punching every square inch (or square foot in their case) of Wolf that she could reach. "Payback time you gun-obsessed bimbo!" she shrieked as the slugged away, and Emma even found the strength to get up and help her.

For the moment, the thought of fleeing had left Snake and Otacon as they watched the bizarre spectacle unfold. The ground quaked as the seven giantesses thrashed about and fought, and the shouted words - half of which were unprintable - were downright deafening.

"Maybe they'll just finish themselves off for us," Snake said hopefully as the battle raged on. "Ugh, if there was a word for 'forcibly yanked through a diseased fish's colon', I would still use several strong adjectives in order to describe how utterly messed-up this is," he finished blankly. When Otacon didn't say anything, he turned to see he had a look or enrapturement on his face. He looked about ready to drool, too. After giving him another well-deserved smack upside the head, they turned and ran yet again.

And guess who was standing over them THIS time!? Well, for those who wanted to see EVA in this thing, sorry, it ain't her. It's the one that just doesn't belong, Sailor Moon. "For some reason, she's the creepiest one of all," Snake muttered under his breath.

"Don't worry, little guys," she beamed down at them sweetly. "I'll protect you from all those evil psychotic girls!"

"HEY!!" yelled Mei Ling, who had somehow turned the tables on Chris and had been trying to choke her with what looked like her stockings. All seven of the other girls were now staring angrily at Sailor Moon. "'Evil'? Most of us here were the good guys! Hello!?" she snapped.

"And need we remind you that in our series, the line between good and evil is blurred beyond recognition?" said Wolf, who was still pinned down by Meryl and Emma.

"And besides, do we look like those bitches from that Negaverse thing?" inquired the Boss angrily, who had a knife at Holly's throat.

"Uhh, that was just a dub term, actually," Sailor Moon pointed out delicately.

"Oh, shut it. We learned enough from that to know you're a useless klutzy crybaby!" bellowed Meryl. And with that, she pulled her Desert Eagle out from her cleavage and opened fire. Sailor Moon wailed as she dodged the shots in the most absurdly cartoony fashion possible. And Meryl's taunt proved prophetic, for as she dodged the gunfire, she lost her balance and fell forward.

"Oh, dear God, no...." Snake grumbled as Sailor Moon's rapidly descending upper body filled his field of vision. A second later, both he and Otacon got flattened underneath her, well, ahem, you know.

And from somewhere, as if from a radio, one could hear a Minish squeakily yelling, "Snake, answer us! Snake!? SNAKE!!"

Game over. But what a way to go.

Snake sprang up into a sitting position, his body shaking and drenched in nervous, cold sweat. Oh Christ, after all that, we get offed by getting crushed under some ditzy teenage girl's...huh!? Snake thought as he looked around, realizing he had no clue where he was. After a quick glance around, he realized he was sitting on a couch...in the middle of the living room of his old Alaskan home.

"The hell...how'd I get HERE!?" he thought aloud. Is it some other part of the program I have to clear if I get 'killed'? What'll happen now? What's.... But as he searched his memory, he realized something. Hold it, I remember now. After blowing Kim Jong-Il's Metal Gear to kingdom come, Otacon and I decided to stop here to rest before going to the U.N. headquarters to....

Suddenly, it hit Snake like a tidal wave. Wait a minute, we never made it back to the U.N. headquarters!? All that, the VR program, Otacon's thing with the giant girls, it...was all just a dream. Just a stupid, goddamn DREAM!? he thought disbelievingly.

For several minutes, Snake just sat there, mulling over that horrible nightmare. I can't believe it was nothing but a bad dream. It all felt so real...a little TOO real, he thought. Well, this certainly tops that dream where I was in a Vaudeville show with Liquid as the worst nightmare I've had in a while. Well, except for that one part with Meryl, maybe. That wasn't TOO bad.

Deciding not to dwell on it any more, Snake picked up the remote and turned on the television. Oh well, best not to think about it any more. Might as well relax, see if there's anything in the news hinting about us breaking Kim Jong-Il's precious new toy, he thought as he began flipping through channels.

Snake didn't find anything interesting, however. He began to grow bored already, so much so that when he came across Alice in Wonderland playing on the Disney Channel, he merely shrugged his shoulders and left it on. Oh well, after all that X-rated crap I went through in that dream, maybe some innocent children's programming won't hurt.

Too bad Snake forgot what made that movie so memorable for some people in the first place. He had tuned in at the part with Alice in the White Rabbit's house...right before she grew supersized within it.

Snake stared blankly at the screen as the growth scene unfolded, dead silent and white as a ghost. Then he let out a scream of terror and grabbed the remote, changing the channel.

What he changed it to wasn't much better, though. He had just turned it to some all-anime channel that was playing Card Captor Sakura...the part of the episode where Sakura uses the Big card to fight a giant, pink dragon.

For a few seconds, Snake stared at the screen again, transfixed. Then the inevitable happened. "AAAAAHHH!!!" he screamed again as he changing the channel, this time switching it to an episode of Malcolm in the Middle...the episode where Reese has a brief dream sequence about the giant stripper from the billboard. "NOOO!!!" he wailed as he changed the channel yet again, this time switching it to a movie channel...that was showing Dude Where's My Car, right at the part with the Super Hot Giant Alien near the end. "OH CRUEL FATE, WHY DO YOU MOCK ME!?"

"Uh, Snake, is something wrong?"

Snake turned to see Otacon standing by the couch, holding a cup of coffee and looking at him quizzically.

"Uh, it's nothing. Nothing at all," Snake said quickly. But the look on Otacon's face let Snake know that he didn't believe him.

Fortunately, Otacon didn't press the issue. "Uh, OK. Anyway, are you gonna use this TV? I kinda wanted to try something before we left for New York."

Snake just nodded. Otacon left the room, and Snake watched him go. Yeah, there's no way all that stuff about him liking giant women and stuff could possibly be real. What kind of sick freak could possibly be turned on by something like that?

When Otacon returned, he was carrying a paper bag. He sat down in front of the TV and pulled out a PlayStation 2 and a stack of games. "Yeah, one of the perks of having connections in the U.N. is that it's easier than ever ro snag import games," he said as he hooked up the PS2.

"Fine. Whatever," Snake said flatly. Stupid, useless geek. What a.... Snake's thoughts trailed off when he noticed what was on top of the game stack. His Japanese was a little rusty, but one look at the cover was enough to guess what the game was about: some gigantic girl in a blue bikini staring down a bunch of attack choppers as she stormed through a city.

Snake stared at the cover, a boiling rage rising inside him. "By the way, Snake, I'm glad you decided to try out the new VR training missions. I've had a lot of spare time to program a whole bunch, stuff that'll train you on how to procure allies on-site, and...."

It was at that point when Snake proved he was truly his daddy's clone by CQCing poor Otacon into oblivion. When all was said and done, the hapless techno-geek lay unconscious on the floor with a bloody nose, a broken arm and leg and an ugly black eye.

"Well, that takes care of that problem," Snake said nonchalantly as he sat back down, completely ignoring Otacon's crumpled, still body. "Now hopefully I can find something to watch that won't induce a psychotic breakdown." And so, he picked up the remote again and changed the channel, praying that there'd be something to watch that didn't involve giant women.

But once again, God decided to prove how much He despises Snake. Now Snake had tuned in to the remake of Attack of the 50-Foot Woman.

And that, my friends, was the gyashyl green that broke the chocobo's back. Snake whipped out his USP and repeatedly shot the TV, screaming "DIE MOTHERFUCKER!"

For several minutes, Snake sat there, breathing heavily and holding up his gun, staring at the smoking remains of his TV. "Ugh, too bad the freaky little fucks who dreamed up that movie are probably already dead. Good thing nothing like that could happen in real life...."

Night had just fallen, and under the cover of darkness, the team would soon make their move. Big Boss stood over a crate and looked through his scope at the enemy base that was located a few hundred feet away. Of course, there was a slight problem with depth perception since he only had one eye. Big Boss grunted in annoyance, because ironically, the one mostly responsible for that was standing right next to him. He turned to see Revolver Ocelot once again engaging in that annoying habit of twirling his revolver. "Ocelot, will you stop playing with your gun?" he hissed.

Ocelot started giggling, as did the two other men in their unit, which confused Big Boss to no end. "What? What's so damn funny?" he asked. Roy Campbell and Frank Jaeger (whom ever since Portable Ops must now be imagined as some creepy, skinny, machete-toting albino instead of that super-badass half-black Rambo-ish soldier from Metal Gear 2) quickly shut up when Big Boss glared at them, and then he went back to studying the base's layout and the placement of soldiers.

Where were they? Does it really matter? It's Fox-Hound, damnit, so we can pretty much tell they'd just been shipped out into the middle of nowhere to single-handedly overthrow some rogue terrorist nation hatching some evil scheme that Big Boss will undoubtedly foil by waltzing around aimlessly for a few hours and blowing stuff up, all the while not realizing he'd be triple or even quadruple-crossed AGAIN. How's that for a run-on sentence?

"So, Snake, we ready to move?" asked Frank Jaeger impatiently, readying his assault rifle.

"Yeah, I guess so," grumbled Big Boss as he lit a cigar. "First, let's check in with our spy, make sure all preparations are complete." And so, Big Boss started to adjust the frequency of his radio. However, when he reached the frequency 140.07, a guitar solo started playing, with the most grotesque lyrics he'd ever heard.

He'd rather have,
a buffalo,
take a diarhhea dump in his ear!
He'd rather eat,
the rotten asshole,
of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer!

Big Boss quickly shut off the radio. Ocelot, Jaeger and Campbell stared at him, nonplussed. "What the hell was that?" Ocelot finally asked, breaking the silence.

"I don't know, nor do I want to know," said Big Boss dryly. He turned the radio back on and quickly changed the frequency to that of his inside man...or rather, woman.

"Snake? Is that you?" came Para-Medic's voice over the radio. Big Boss thought her voice sounded a bit apprehensive.

"Yeah, we're just outside the base and we're ready to make our move," explained Big Boss. "We already know enough of the layout, thanks to you. Have you taken care of everything else we talked about?"

"Sure thing, Snake. I've sabotaged every bit of equipment I could get my hands on, set C3 at all the entrances you wanted blown open, and I even took the liberty of sneaking some laxatives into the soldiers' food," she finished with a hint of coyness in her voice. But her tone immediately turned dire. "But Snake, there's something else you should know. I've been doing more snooping, and...I think there's something here you're not going to like."

"Fine. We'll rendezvous in the base and we'll discuss it further then," said Big Boss. "What's your location?"

"Oh, I'm in the med lab. There's some weird stuff in here and I've been trying to figure out what it is, but that's not what's important," explained Para-Medic. "Listen, you need to know now. There might be a...."

But then the sound of a door being broken down cut Para-Medic's voice off. "There you are! You think we wouldn't find out you were collaberating with the enemy!?" came the voice of an angry soldier.

"And thanks to you, we've been shitting up a storm for hours!" came another voice. Big Boss heard the distinctive sound of Para-Medic firing her Mk22 pistol, and then all he heard was the cacophony of rifle fire, along with what sounded like glass containers being shattered.

Big Boss heard Para-Medic cry out, and his blood ran cold. "Para-Medic, talk to me! Are you OK!?" he asked fervently.

"Yeah, Snake, I'm OK. I ducked behind cover, I'm not shot," Para-Medic yelled over the gunfire. "But something in the lab got on me when a canister shattered. I don't know what it is but...ergh, suddenly I feel so lightheaded...."

What happened next, Big Boss had no idea. All he heard was what might've been clothes being ripped apart, a DEAFENING shriek of agony from Para-Medic that almost blew out his eardrums, all sorts of crashes and more shattering glass, and lastly, what sounded disturbingly like one of the soldiers having a REALLY good time with himself.

For a few seconds, Big Boss stood behind the crate, vainly shouting Para-Medic's name over and over. He finally gave up and turned to his team. "Something's happened to Para-Medic. We move in NOW," he ordered. But as he said that, screams of terror suddenly came from deep inside the base. Big Boss looked through his scope again, hoping to see what was going on. But all he could make out were some explosions and the bodies of several enemy soldiers soaring through the night sky.

Big Boss had no idea what all that meant, but he aimed to find out. "Alright, we're moving out," he ordered, pulling out his assault rifle. The Fox-Hound unit began their approach, but once they were within a hundred feet of the base, soldiers suddenly appeared and they began opening fire. The unit was now pinned down, forced to duck for cover behind trees and parked trucks.

"Damnit, we don't have time for this!" Big Boss yelled as he peeked out from behind a tree to return fire. He was soon forced to duck back behind the tree when he was fired upon himself.

After a few minutes, however, all the guards suddenly pulled back. "Snake, what's going on? Why are they pulling back?" asked Campbell as he ran up to him. Big Boss noticed he was nursing a gunshot wound in his shoulder.

"I-I'm not sure, Roy," said Big Boss as he pulled out his knife, along with some styptic and disinfectant. "Here, hurry and get that wound treated. We need to get in there and find out what...."

A low rumbling and the sound similar to that of a tank approaching filled the air, and it was coming from the way they had come. "Oh, what is...." Big Boss began, but he and his teammates immediately fell silent when they say what was coming: a new version of the Shagohod.

The sound of rockets from within the base made the four of them look back. Something was flying toward them, and Big Boss almost had a heart attack when he saw what it was: a rebuilt Metal Gear Raxa. "Oh, we are screwed!" cried Campbell, the Raxa landing with a monstrous thud a few feet away. "Snake barely beat these monsters the first time, and now BOTH of them at once!?"

"And we don't have much ammo for our RPG-7," said Ocelot nervously, holding up the launcher.

"Give it here," said Big Boss quickly. "We can't do a thing to the Shagohod as long as the back end is still attached, but the other one, maybe we...."

Big Boss grabbed the RPG-7 just as the Raxa opened fire with its machine guns, forcing them all to scatter. Then the Shagohod unleashed some of its missiles. Big Boss's partners destroyed all the incoming missiles with machine gun fire, giving him a chance to move in on the Raxa. He looked through the scope, centering its closest leg in his crosshairs. He was about to fire, but the hideous screeching of metal distracted him for a second. "Snake, I think I know what happened to Para-Medic," said Ocelot suddenly.

"Wha?" breathed Big Boss, looking behind him. The sight that greeted him was the biggest shock of all. The Shagohod was being lifted up from its back end...by what looked like a gigantic Para-Medic; she was naked except for a large tarp used for covering aircraft, wrapped around her like a makeshift dress.

All four Fox-Hound members stared in utter amazement as their now-gargantuan comrade continued to hold up the back of the Shagohod. Para-Medic gritted her teeth and grunted as she kept up her efforts. And then, with one ear-splitting shriek, she used every ounce of strength she had to flip the Shagohod over onto its back.

However, Para-Medic didn't stop there. Once the Shagohod was flipped over, she stomped across the field over to the Raxa. Big Boss could only look on in wonder as this towering, colossal thing moved with grace and speed that belied her size. She grabbed hold of the Raxa before it could fire any of its weapons, then ran back to the toppled Shagohod. With another ferocious cry, she lifted the Raxa over her head and brought it down onto the Shagohod. Both nuke-hauling tanks exploded on impact.

Para-Medic stood over the smoldering, smoking remains of the Shagohod and Raxa. She looked down at her fellow Fox-Hound members. "H-Hi," she said to them, smiling timidly and waving down at them. The four of them cautiously approached Para-Medic, both confused and more than just a little bit nervous. By all means, this still looked like their partner, but the fact that she grown to a height of perhaps over a hundred feet, and was now towering over all of them...it was more than enough to unnerve anyone.

Once again, Ocelot broke the silence, asking the question on everyone's mind. "Uhh, Para-Medic, just what happened?"

In the faint moonlight, Big Boss could see the expression on Para-Medic's huge face, and realized she was just as confused as they were. "I-I'm not really sure," she said at length, her voice echoing everywhere. "Some canister of weird red goo in the lab got shattered and splattered all over me during that firefight. Next thing I know...I'm suddenly growing, bursting right out of my clothes and...." She trailed off, looking down at her barely-covered body. "It's just lucky I found this, otherwise...."

Big Boss shook his head, trying to keep dirty thoughts from entering his mind. Now was not the time for that. Maybe later.

"Oh, and about the mission, well...what I was trying to warn you about was the Shagohod and Raxa, But that's taken care of," Para-Medic went on. "Oh, and as for infiltrating the base...I don't think there's much of a base left to infiltrate," she finished sheepishly, her expression an odd mix of embarrassment and satisfaction.

Big Boss looked over to the base, seeing that most of the watchtowers were now gone, and noticed many plumes of billowing smoke. He could only guess what kind of havoc the giant Para-Medic had wrought upon the base. Big Boss turned back to Para-Medic, and noticed for the first time that the soles of her feet were coated in a glistening red liquid. He didn't need to guess what that meant.

As Big Boss was trying to get over the bizarreness of what had happened, Para-Medic spoke up again. "This is just too weird to be real," she said. "It's like that movie Attack of the 50-Foot Woman, where...."

Big Boss shook his head. Ugh, even at times like this, she goes on and on about movies, he thought morosely, looking at the ground.

Some silly laughter made him look back up. Several enemy soldiers had reappeared, but they were all...distracted. They were all standing right underneath Para-Medic, looking right up her makeshift dress. Little pink hearts floated around their heads as they giggled like schoolchildren. "Uh-oh," said Big Boss, looking up at Para-Medic's face. It was hard to tell in the moonlight, but her face looked redder...oh, and her face was now one of volcanic fury that would've scared the entire Cobra Unit shitless.

"You boys want to look at a girl's privates!?" Para-Medic thundered, looking down at the soldiers. "Well then, here's an up close and personal look!!" And with that, Para-Medic jumped up and landed on her rear, crushing all the enemy soldiers underneath her big butt.

Her four Fox-Hound comrades were all knocked off their feet by the shockwave. They stared blankly at Para-Medic as she sat there, breathing heavily and still looking mortified. "You think this would be a bad time to tell her about that hole in the wall of the womens' shower?" asked Campbell coyly.

Once again, Big Boss proved how he was the last to know about these sort of things. "What hole?" he asked.

"Oh, there's this hole some of us have used to...." Campbell began, but Jaeger made the tactically sound move of grabbing him and clamping his big fat mouth shut.

"Well, any idea what we should do now?" Jaeger asked delicately as he held onto the struggling Campbell.

Big Boss looked back up at Para-Medic, noticing that the tarp was starting to slide off of her, coming dangerously close to revealing more than would ever be allowed for an M-rated game. Para-Medic noticed this too, and quickly pulled the tarp back up. "How about getting me something a little less revealing to wear!?" she suggested in her booming voice.

"Ugh, I have no idea how to write a mission report for this," Big Boss said as he kept looking up at Para-Medic, now definitely sure her face had turned red.

"I look forward to reading it," said Ocelot as he twirled his revolvers again, never taking his eyes off Para-Medic. Big Boss just shook his head.

Hermione lazily sat in an armchair in the middle of the Burrow's living room. It was still early in the morning, and she was still in her pajamas as she looked at - believe it or not - a laptop computer. However, whatever she was looking at didn't interest her one bit. "Oh, what a load of crap!" she suddenly exclaimed, chucking the laptop aside.

"OWW!!" came a squeal of pain. Hermione and everyone else in the room turned to see that the laptop had hit Kreacher square in the face.

"Uhhh, oops," said Hermione, her voice full of embarrassment. Kreacher wandered off into the kitchen, muttering something under his breath that would no doubt never be printed in a Harry Potter book. Hermione just sulked in her chair, still looking mortified. Meanwhile, Ron and Neville sat at the table playing Wizard's chess, Ginny and Harry were both tending to their broomsticks, and Luna sat on the couch, trying to piece back together that freaky-ass headress that was somehow supposed to be a recreation of Rowena Ravenclaw's diadem.

It was now summertime, months after the final defeat of Voldemort. Of course, when there's no evil overlord to overthrow, life can get pretty damn boring, as was evidenced by Hermione's unusual choice of killing time. Furthermore, the six of them and Kreacher were the only ones in the house. Why the Weasleys would leave their two youngest children alone in a house with their significant others is beyond me. Bad parenting, I'd say.

"Uh, Hermione, what was with that computer anyway?" asked Ron.

"Oh, that. Well, it was something my parents bought me last year. They thought I could use it to keep in touch and other stuff. But I hardly ever used it. It's not like I could've done a Google search for Horcruxes or anything like that," Hermione explained. "I've just been bored out of my skull lately, so I've been seeing if I can hack into secure databases and stuff, just for something to do. And I just found something in the American Pentagon's files that's quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever read."

"The...Pentagon's?" asked Harry dubiously.

"It's basically this military installation in the U.S." said Hermione.

"I knew that already," said Harry. "I'm just amazed that you could actually hack into THAT. When did you learn to do that sort of thing?"

"Oh, I sort of taught myself yesterday," said Hermione matter-of-factly, as if there was nothing uncanny about that. Harry and Ron just shook their heads. It was scary how intelligent Hermione was sometimes.

"Well, what'd you find?" inquired Ginny.

"Something about how around twenty years ago, an American spy on a mission in some mercenary nation got exposed to some chemical or something. And the next thing she knew, she was suddenly growing bigger and bigger, until she was able to single-handedly raze the entire nation to the ground," Hermione told them. "Utterly ridiculous, I tell you. Just like some of these other classified files I dug up."

"What other files?" asked Harry.

"Oh, mission reports of this group called Fox-Hound. One saying that that huge earthquake in southern Africa three years ago was really caused by a secret base that self-destructed...a base that was housing some weapon called 'Metal Gear' that could've destroyed the world. And then there was another file, talking about this new nation called Zanzibar Land...."

Hermione's voice trailed off as she noticed how interested everyone else now looked. "But it's utter rubbish, I can't believe a word of them. Especially that part about that spy suddenly growing to monstrous proportions. I mean, even in the Wizarding world there's nothing that can cause growth like THAT."

"Oh yes there is," Luna piped up suddenly for the first time in hours. Hermione let out a sigh, because she, along with everyone else, knew she was about to spout off one of her crazy theories. "It's called the Amazoness's Draught. It's very difficult to make, because the main ingredient is the pus from the polyps that grow from the Brazilian Blunkbustering Snapdragon, and the polyps only form once every five years. Other hard-to-get ingredients are breast milk from a veela, pickled testicles from a thestral, along with...."

"Uhh, so you're saying that potion is for real?" Ginny cut in quickly, obviously not wanting to hear about any more ingredients.

"Oh yes, Daddy even thinks he's successfully brewed it. And we were able to salvage the jar from the wreckage of our house. Actually, Daddy's asked me to keep it safe for him while our home is rebuilt," said Luna. She then reached into her robes and pulled out a jar full of some viscous red goo. "If we can prove the potion really works, it'll top all our articles on the Crumple-Horned Snorkark for sure!"

Everyone else in the room stared at the jar. "So...you think that stuff actually works?" asked Ron.

"Well, I haven't had the courage to test it yet," said Luna.

"Uhh, why do YOU have to test it?" inquired Harry.

"Well, like the name sort of implies, it only works on cells of a female," explained Luna.

"Ugh, how utterly preposterous! Something like that would violate Golpalott's Fifth Postulate and...and besides, being that big wouldn't really do much good, if you think about it. It'd be impossible to hold a wand, for one thing, and, and...." Hermione ranted.

"Well, at least one of us could've mowed down Voldemort's entire army of giants single-handedly. That would've been helpful," interjected Ginny. "And this reminds me...I remember hearing somewhere that there are actually guys out there who get turned on by the concept of a giant woman."

"Oh that is BEYOND grotesque," muttered Hermione with a shudder. "What kind of freak would want that? Come to think of it, I'd be too scared to find out what most men are turned on by, anyway," she said, addressing Ginny and Luna. "I've read that men think about sex every five seconds. Do we really want to know what goes on in men's minds?"

One can only wonder how Hermione would react if she knew Ron was now trying to imagine what it would be like if she was over a hundred feet tall and wearing her Hogwarts uniform, just to get a look up her skirt. And should we tell them that at that moment, Harry was trying to picture Ginny in nothing but her bra and panties, holding handcuffs and a can of whipped cream, and that Neville was fantasizing about being bound to a tree with Devil's Snare while Luna approached in a dominatrix outfit and cracking a whip? Nah.

Eventually, though, the three of them were able to get over their brief, freaky daydreams. Ron and Neville then went back to their chess game. "Rook to H6," Neville ordered.

However, the chess piece didn't hesitate to voice its opinion. "Are you BLIND!? His bishop would wipe me out, and then his rook and knight would have an open field! Dumbass!" And with that, the rook threw its mace right at Neville's forehead. And with enough force to knock him out of his chair, just as Kreacher walked back in with a tea tray. Neville toppled over Kreacher, teacups went flying everywhere...and one flew across the room and knocked the jar of Amazoness's Draught right out of Luna's hands.

"Oh crap, I got it!" yelled Ginny, noticing what had happened. Hermione and Luna ran to catch the jar as well, but all three girls ended up colliding with each other and fell to the ground. And wouldn't you know it, the jar broke open right next to where they lay crumpled in a heap, splattering the red goo all over them.

Harry, Ron and Neville watched apprehensively as the girls got back up, covered in the potion. "This...could be a problem," said Ron nervously.

"Well, it's not like that potion really works...does it?" asked Neville.

"Of course it doesn't!" snapped Hermione as she stood back up. "Since when do any of the Lovegoods' wildly fantastic stories ever turn out to be true!?" she went on, not even trying to be polite for Luna's sake.

"*cough* Deathly Hallows *cough*" muttered Harry softly.

"Oh, that was completely different and you know it! How can...." But her words trailed off when she looked over to Ron...and found that she was eye-level with him.

"Uhh, you were saying?" Neville offered delicately.

"What...how c-can...." Hermione spluttered. A sudden tearing sound made her look down. She was starting to outgrow her pajamas, which were now coming apart at the seams. The buttons started popping off one by one. She looked back up, realizing she was now at least a head taller than Harry and Ron. Harry glanced over at Luna and Ginny, and saw they were now growing as well.

For a few seconds, Hermione remained paralyzed with shock. But then, feminine instinct took over. "AUGHHH! Out, OUT!!" she screamed, and grabbed both Harry and Ron by their necks and bodily threw them through the window before she burst out of her pajamas completely. Neville was hurled through the window a second later.

The three of them got back up and looked back toward the Burrow. The whole house was shaking, and a cacophony of crashing and banging sounds came from inside. It wasn't long before Hermione's enormous head burst through the roof; also, her legs shot through the wall, and the three narrowly avoided getting clobbered by her massive foot as it shot out toward them. Likewise, Ginny and Luna's heads smashed through the roof, and their arms and legs shot out of the walls as well.

For several long, agonizing minutes, no one said anything. Harry and the others just stared up at their now giant-sized friends and what remained of the Burrow...oh, and they were more than a little unnerved that if the walls hadn't remained intact, they'd get the biggest display of full-frontal ever. Well, except for Ron. He must've been thinking that he'd have to gouge his eyes out if he saw his sister naked.

It was Ginny who finally broke the silence. "'Utterly preposterous,' you said? 'A load of crap,' was it?" she said scythingly to Hermione.

"Oh, BITE ME!!" Hermione retorted.

"Well, it looks like Daddy's successfully brewed the Amazoness's Draught after all," said Luna calmly, as is nothing was amiss. Hermione looked like she was ready to slap Luna silly, and if she wasn't undoubtedly terrified that the slightest movement would cause the wall to crumble away, she probably would have.

"Yes, it appears your daddy's successfully brewed the Amazoness's Draught after all," Hermione parroted mockingly, her voice so loud it made the boys below wince. "Now, do you think your daddy can brew us, oh I don't know...AN ANTIDOTE!?"

"Uhh, there really is no antidote," said Luna matter-of-factly. "We'll just have to wait a few hours before it wears off."

Hermione blanched. "You mean, we're stuck like this for the next few hours!?" she thundered.

"At least it's not permanent," Ginny said. "This could be worse, you know."

"I fail to see how!" Hermione shot back. "We're all at least a hundred feet tall, completely naked, forced to sit inside the Burrow for hours lest we give our friends down there the biggest strip show ever...and any minute your parents might be back and find their home totaled!"

"Uh, well, Mum's visiting Andromeda Tonks today and Dad'll be busy at the Ministry all day," explained Ginny, "so with any luck, we can wait this out without anyone stopping by the Burrow."

But since when has Lady Luck ever been with these kids? Today would prove no exception, for right then, someone walked right up to the Harry, Ron and Neville. And frankly, it was one of the last people they wanted to show up at a time like this, or ever.

"Hey, Weasley, I'm back," came the voice of Draco Malfoy. Ron turned to the voice, wide-eyed with surprise and nervousness. Draco was holding his broomstick in one hand and a stack of magazines in the other; miraculously, he seemed blissfully unaware of the three giant witches sitting in the Burrow's remains. "Here's the stack of Witches Gone Wild you rented out to me," said Draco, handing the stack over to Ron. "You got the newest one yet?"

"HEY! Keep it down!" Ron exclaimed fearfully. "If Hermione hears about that, it'll be the Headless Hunt for me! And in case you didn't notice, I've got BIG problems in that department already!"

"What's...this about?" asked Harry delicately.

"Oh, nothing much Potter. It's just that we my family practically under house arrest, I've been bored out of my mind. And with everything delivered to our manor being sorted through, well, can't have anything embarrassing mailed," said Draco. "So Weasley, in the doghouse again? What'd you do to piss off Granger this time? Why didn't you take my advice and buy something for Granger with that money? That sort of thing worked after getting on Pansy's bad side yesterday; I offered to wash her pet cat and one misspoken incantation later I somehow neutered it."

"Uh, thanks for sharing that with us, Malfoy," said Ron blankly. "But in this case, your advice won't help much."

"Oh and why not? What's got Granger's panties in a bunch this time?" demanded Draco. Harry, Ron and Neville all pointed up at the Burrow. When Draco finally saw the three giantesses, he went white as a sheet. "Oh, crap," he said dryly as all three girls stared down at him; Hermione in particular was glaring at him quite intently.

"OK girls, let's put it to a vote. Should I or should I not mash Malfoy?" asked Hermione wickedly. Draco, meanwhile, was still rooted to the spot.

"Nah, I think we should leave him alone," said Ginny. "I mean, he's been talking about you for almost a minute and has yet to say 'Mudblood'. That's...that's progress."

Hermione turned to Luna. "Well, I'm not sure," she said in that dreamy tone. "I suppose we can't let him run off, he might tell someone about us...."

"Two against one!" exclaimed Hermione evilly. And with that, she raised one leg and brought her heel down on top of Draco, flattening him underneath it. "I always wanted to do this," she said with a nasty grin.

Harry looked over to Hermione's huge foot. All that could be seen of Draco was his head poking out from underneath her heel. "Words...can't describe...how painful this is...or how smelly," he croaked, pitifully looking up at Harry.

If the situation they faced wasn't so absurdly bizarre and yet serious, Harry might've found that amusing. But then, he remembered something else. "Wait a minute, where's Kreacher?" asked Harry, finally realizing they had all forgotten about the house-elf. "Kreacher!"

Kreacher promptly Apparated next to the group, but he looked not unlike roadkill. "Master...c-called?" he croaked weakly.

"Uh, where were you?" Harry asked delicately.

"P-pinned under...Miss Lovegood's left a-asscheek...." Kreacher spluttered.

"Oh, I thought I felt something down there," said Luna absentmindedly. Harry slapped his face and shook his head. "How can this possibly get any worse?" he grumbled.

Lo and behold, it was about to. He looked back up at Ginny - admittedly, it was hard to keep his eyes off her at the moment - and noticed the look of mortification on her face. "Uh-oh, guys, we've got trouble," she said meekly.

"What is it NOW!?" demanded Hermione impatiently.

"How to explain this...well, before coming home a few hours ago, I was with Dad on that trip in America. Someplace in that state called Louisiana. I tried some of the local Muggle food, extra-spicy blackened cajun chicken with a huge side of baked beans, and now it's not sitting that well, and...."

Hermione's face went wide-eyed with horror, sentiments echoed by all the boys below. "Ginny, no! You'd better not...."

And from as far away as the remains of the Lovegood home, one could hear the long, drawn-out noise that was unmistakably a fart.

"AHHH!!!!" screamed Harry as he covered his face in a desperate attempt to block out the foul odor, Ron and Neville following suit. Hermione and Luna's faces were screwed up in disgust as well, but they didn't dare try to cover their faces, still not wanting to risk causing to walls to crumble.

Draco was denied the luxury of covering his face as well. "Ugh, and you wonder why people are aghast at the idea of you jumping in bed with her, Potter!" Draco muttered from underneath Hermione's foot. "Ergh, at times like this, I believe Muggles say, 'Light a match or something!'"

"Actually, that's a good idea," agreed Ron, pulling out his wand.

"NO!!" screamed Harry.

But it was too late. "Incendio!" said Ron.

And from as far away as the remains of the Lovegood home, a huge, billowing mushroom cloud could be seen rising into the morning sky.

And that, my friends, is the explosive epilogue many believe J.K. Rowling should've written instead.

Stan Marsh wandered into the room. "What's up, Kyle? Don't tell me you found yet another video of Cartman's mom."

"Ay! I'll kick YOU in the NUTS!" bellowed Eric Cartman from the other room.

"No, thank God. It's just this...I dunno, I was just killing time, surfing around, and I don't know how but I stumbled onto this thing written by some sick-ass Harry Potter fan."

"So? The Internet is full of crap like that," said Stan, shrugging his shoulders. "What's so extra-sucky about this thing?"

"It was written by this guy who has quite possibly the sickest fetish ever. Something about liking girls that grow giant-sized. I mean, what kind of messed-up freak goes for something like that? Or bothers to write these stories about that. And I swear, Harry Potter fans have WAAAY too much time on their hands!" Kyle clicked on the mouse and brought up something else. "Look at this! Some crossover with Metroid that's over 200,000 words long! Who the hell wastes their time cooking this crap up!?"

"I think we can all agree he's a sad, pitiful little man with no life whatsoever," said Stan. "Now screw it, let's all go outside and start sledding or something. I'm not sure, but I think your baby brother just made a dookie, so let's scram."

And so, they went outside, along with Eric Cartman and their other friend, Kenny McCormick. "So, what'll it be?" asked Stan. "Sledding, snowball fight...."

"Nah, I'm in no mood for a snowball fight," Cartman cut in.

"Which is probably because you don't have any pee handy for pissballs," said Stan darkly. Kenny mumbled something, possibly in agreement, but since he wears that damn hood all the time, no one could really understand him. "What about you, Kyle? What d'you want to do?" he asked Kyle. But when he looked back, he saw that Kyle seemed to be lost in thought. "Dude?"

"Oh, it's nothing," Kyle said quickly. "It's just that I can't get that thing I read out of my head. About how some people fantasize about giant girls running around and stuff. It's just wrong."

"Dude, I hear you. Remember that whole mess with Barbara Streisand? Hopefully we'll never have to put up with crap like that again," said Stan.

But of course, as soon as those words were out of his mouth, deafening crashes and explosions filled the air. The four disturbed little children looked around in confusion, just in time to see a missile streaking down the street. They all scattered in time, then looked up. "No...freakin'...way," said Kyle as nuetrally as he could.

Stomping down the street was a Metal Gear Ray...or rather, THE Metal Gear Ray, as evidenced by the fact it had a tail. And it fired off its weapons at a gigantic Princess Peach Toadstool, who was backing away from the Ray, trying to swat away the missiles.

"Dude, that is PRETTY GODDAMN FUCKED-UP right there!" exclaimed Stan as the titanic princess and the Metal Gear drew nearer.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" came the maniacal laughter of Liquid Ocelot from the Ray's cockpit. "And now, my dear, it's bathtime!" The Ray's 'mouth' opened up, and Liquid Ocelot fired off its water cannon at Peach. But Peach pulled a frying pan with the diameter of a city bus out of nowhere and used it as a shield. The four boys groaned as huge globs of deflected water came raining down on them. Eventually, the stream of water abated, and Peach moved in with her frying pan and clobbered the Ray with all the strength she could muster.

"'We'll never have to put up with crap like that again,'" parroted Kyle as they watched Princess Peach pound away at the Ray. "Damnit, why does this sort of crap always happen here in South Park!? And I ask again, what kind of sick freak would find this sort of thing sexy!? Am I right guys?"

"Kyle, see for yourself," said Cartman darkly, pointing over at Kenny. Kenny was just staring unblinkingly up at Peach, with little pink hearts floating around his head.

"Oh, no. No way," said Kyle blankly. "Kenny, I don't think we can be your friends anymore." But Kenny wasn't paying any attention as he watched the clash of titans unfold. Then, he suddenly sprinted back into Kyle's house, rushing back out with a digital camera and camcorder a few seconds later. He ran out into the street yelling something incomprehensible. "You think you know someone," Kyle muttered as Kenny started recording the fight and snapped pictures with wild abandon.

"Looks like you've got some admirers!" taunted Liquid Ocelot. The Ray ducked and swung around on one foot, lashing out with its tail. Peach hopped backward just in time to avoid it. Unfortunately for her new fan, when she landed, her heel came right down on top of Kenny, squashing him like a grape and splattering blood everywhere on the street.

Peach stared down in shock at the red splotch that was once Kenny, mortified by her mistake. "Don't worry about it too much, my dear. He comes back for every episode," said Liquid Ocelot.

"OK, who didn't see that coming?" asked Cartman nonchalantly.

"Oh my God, she squashed Kenny!" exclaimed Stan.

"You...BITCH!!!" screamed Kyle, pointing up at the giant Princess Peach.

The only response they got was a turnip as big as a Volkswagon bug being dropped on a van parked nearby, crushing it beyond all repair.

None of the boys said anything for a few agonizing seconds, until Cartman blurted out, "Screw you guys, I'm going home," pointing toward his house and then running like he had sprouted a propeller out of his ass.

"Wait, we'll come with you!!" yelled Kyle and Stan in unison as they ran after him.

"Hey, look on the bright side, at least this thing didn't butcher the English language with crappy grammar and misspelling and whatnot," said Tom.

"Oh yes, a well-written and spellchecked piece of fetish shlock," Mike replied sarcastically. "I believe there's a term for something like that: polished turd."

"Well, I'm with Tom on this one. It coulda been worse," said Crow. "It coulda been an Oscarfic."

As soon as Crow said the dreaded O-word, Tom's head exploded, scattering those old Super Mario Bros. 3 cookies everywhere. "Uh, Crow, we all took an oath to NEVER say that word again," said Mike sourly, glaring at Crow as he fished out a spare head for Tom.

"Uh, we did? I thought it was 'Oscar flick,'" replied Crow with mock confusion.

"And this thing was BEYOND random!" exclaimed Mike, attaching the spare head. "That stuff with Harry Potter and South Park at the end!? And that fourth chapter! First you had the Juggernaut, then a couple of Pokemon? At that point, a bunch of Transformers could've shown up and I wouldn't have batted an eye."

"Autobots, we got an oversized Kurdish sniper with a rack that no bra can ever hope to contain. Let's roll out!" said Crow in his best imitation of Optimus Prime's voice.

"Well, at least it was something you weren't supposed to try and think about too hard," said Tom. "And hey, it was certainly one of the most riffable fics we've had in a while. Just ASKING for it. Case in point, remember breaking out into song when poor Johnny Sazaki met his, ahem, END?"

"I like big butts and I cannot lie!" Crow began, and continued to sing that outrageously silly rap song until Mike smacked him upside the head. Crow looked ready to fire back, but a blaring klaxon sounded just then. "Oh great, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are calling," he grumbled.

They walked over to the monitor, and Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank appeared on the screen. "Well now, I see you all survived through that little bit of fetishism with your sanity intact. Pity, I had really thought that one would've done it," sneered Dr. Forrester.

"Bite me. If we can survive Oscarfics, we can survive anything," said Crow as Tom's head exploded again, scattering Pokemon-shaped gummies everywhere. Mike sighed as he fished out yet another spare head and attached it.

"Hmmm, we shall see, beakface," retorted Dr. Forrester. "In any case, sending this fic has given me an inspiration. To broaden the scope of the experiment, so to speak. I've decided to send someone to join you, someone whom would be considered the target audience of your most recent experience."

"You mean someone who actually considers Attack of the 50-Foot Woman a cinematic masterpiece?" asked Mike.

"Precisely. In fact, I searched the author's list of closest friends. I even asked the author a few carefully worded questions in a few e-mails, and believe I found the perfect candidate," said Dr. Forrester with a sly grin. "In fact, I should send him to join you now."

The transmission was cut, and a second later, some transdimensional portal appeared out of nowhere, dumping some lanky guy in his twenties with black hair and glasses onto the deck. "Wow, that author must be clairvoyant. Who know Harry Potter had a thing for big girls too?"

"Crow, shut the hell up," Mike said. He held out his hand for the new arrival. "Welcome to hell, kid. What's your name?"

"Errr, Benjamin Kline, but others know me as Twilight Prince," said the man. "W-Where am I?"

"Weren't you listening, kid? This is all seven of Dante's circles of hell meshed into one," said Crow. Mike and the robots then explained the whole situation of being stuck on the Satellite of Love...and how Dr. Forrester had handpicked him as his new guinea pig.

You know how they say that in space, no one can hear you scream?

It's a goddamn lie.

"GREY!!!" bellowed Twilight Prince, his voice echoing outside the Satellite of Love. "GREYYYYYY!!!"

Or did he? A shadow suddenly loomed over him, making him look up. "What is it, Razor Knight?" asked a sweet, angelic voice." He looked out to see the face of Ritz (of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance fame) filling the entire sky above him. Yeah, you get the jist by now, she's building-sized too.

"Oh, it's just that it never ceases to amaze me, how Grey's mouth can cause so much trouble," replied Razor. Just then, others peered over to listen in. An equally colossal Amy Rose and Roll listened attentively to what Razor had to say. "Poor Grey, always screwing up no matter how hard he tries to avoid it," Razor went on.

"I'm wondering, though...why didn't he recommend that Cinder guy?" asked Amy.

"Oh, I bet he almost did," agreed Razor. "But it's probably a good thing he didn't get picked. Otherwise, if Cinder somehow got out and found out how Dr. Forrester singled him out, he'd go apeshit crazy with a burst of nuclear fury that'd make the Human Torch look like a lighted fart in comparison." The three girls could only nod in agreement.

"But that thing Grey wrote, it probably deserved to be MSTed," said Ritz. "I mean, it just sounds so tasteless. Way too many jokes about farts and peeking up girls' skirts and breasts and whatnot. Yeah, WAAY too many jokes about breasts."

"Nah. It's doesn't sound like it's too out of step with other Metal Gear humor stories, or humor fics in general," said Roll.

"Well, I suppose you'd think that jokes about breasts aren't a big deal," replied Ritz. "After all, who's the one who's world famous for knocking Onslaught senseless with her hoo-hahs?" she asked slyly.

Roll looked about ready to knock Ritz's head off. Fortunately (or unfortunately, if you were hoping for yet another clash of titanesses), Razor intervened. "Ladies, ladies, please. We're here on vacation, remember?" he pleaded. "And besides, I called you all here to help me get Grey's next project off the ground."

"Eh? What's that?" asked Amy.

"I kid you not," said Razor. "These are always good for a few quick laughs."

Roll squinted, looking down at Razor. "Isn't that motorcycle the...."

"Same one Cloud used in Final Fantasy VII?" Razor finished for her. "Yeah."

"But I thought you hated Final Fantasy VII," said Amy, confused.

"I do. But the only other stuff available on such short notice was some of the stuff Shadow used in that new Sonic game, and I hated that even more," explained Razor. Amy looked ready to grab Razor, but Roll put a hand on her shoulder and shook her head.

"Can we hurry this up?" asked Ritz heatedly, lifting up her head to glare at Razor. There's a bit of a breeze and lying on the beach like this is getting sand up my skirt."

"Well, if you insist," said Razor simply. Then the cycle roared to life and Razor sped toward the ramp, launching himself off of it. He squealed with delight as he soared over Ritz's gigantic body. "Wooo, this is the greatest thrill of my life!" he cried as he raised his arms into the air. "I'm king of the world! I'm...." But right around then, Razor realized that he was going to come up a little short. "AHHHHH!!!" he screamed as the motorcycle came down....

And he landed smack-dab onto Ritz's right breast.

Amy and Roll just stared for a few seconds, half-shocked and half-disgusted. Ritz lifted her head again to look at Razor with a look that suggested she was half a breath away from flicking Razor off of her. "Well...of all the places on her to land," said Roll delicately.

"Could be worse. If Razor had tried to jump over Tifa instead and landed on HER rack, he'd have bounced off and landed somewhere in the Algo system," said Amy.

Ritz gently poked Razor with her finger, but he didn't stir the slightest bit. "Uhhh, am I allowed to move him?" she asked. "It's kinda...creepy having him just lying there."

A few minutes later, a helicopter was airlifting Razor to the nearest hospital. Ritz sat up, watching as the stretcher Razor was strapped to rose higher and higher. "Think he'll be OK?" she asked.

"Who knows?" replied. And so, the three giant game girls just sat there on the beach, looking bored out of their minds. Eventually Amy spoke up again. "So...that's it, isn't it? This is done and over with, right?"

"I guess so. I hope so. It should be. I mean, I think this thing should be nearing 300 kilobytes by now," said Roll.

"Yeah, this thing's gone on way too long. And I doubt any more random, stupid stuff can be crammed into this thing as it is," agreed Ritz. But just then, high overhead, the three girls could hear the sound of a cable snapping, followed by the sound of Razor's girlish scream of terror. The three girls looked up, only to see Razor's stretcher falling fast...and it landed right in Ritz's cleavage. "I...stand corrected," muttered Ritz, turning red.

THE END

Somewhere, the insane voice of Liquid Ocelot cried out, "That's what you think! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

IS IT REALLY THE END?

Yes it is.

-The whole thing with Kim Jong-Il was sort of a spoof of Team America: World Police.
-And the snake skull and crossbones on the computer screen during that scene was a jab at Indepedence Day.
-The shaking water in the glasses at the end of Chapter 1 was a nod to Jurassic Park, as was the 'OBJECTS IN MIRROR' message in Chapter 2.
-When Snake and Otacon took turns using the gas mask in Chapter 3, that was kinda a small nod to that scene with Sarah and John Connor in Terminator 2: Judgment Day.
-The whole thing with the Juggernaut was, of course, inspired by the infamous 'I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch!' parodies, which in turn inspired that one line in X-Men 3.
-Oh, and that sea turtle that Charizard threw across the city...that was for the Kurdish film Turtles Can Fly, which dealt with what went on in certain parts of Iraq right before the U.S. invasion in 2003. Since I never actually saw the movie, I had to settle for making fun of the title.
-Of course, everyone should've gotten the thing with the Minish re-enacting Braveheart.
-And in Chapter 6, the Minish tactics paralleled the antics of the Ewoks in Return of the Jedi, but you already knew that.
-In addition, the name of that chapter (Dare To Be Stupid) was a Weird Al Yankovich song used for the 1986 animated Transformers movie. And the scene with the snake rising behind three Minish running in slow motion was a stab at the new live-action Transformers movie. For some reason, that was the one scene from the trailers that stuck in everyone's head.
-Otacon arriving in the helicopter at just the right time and letting Sailor Moon have it was a jab at The Matrix, which deserves to be made fun of.
-And in perhaps the most blatant spoof of all, Sailor Moon climbing the Tokyo Tower and falling off was a parody of the ending to King Kong.
-Lastly, when my buddy screamed my name for all the galaxy to hear...yep, that was a blatant cop of the "KHAN!" scene in Star Trek II.

Now, I don't think I need to explain all the game references, Metal Gear in-jokes or the nods to Simpsons and Family Guy. But there were a couple of extra-geeky references that probably went over many heads. The song that played when Big Boss inadvertently accessed the sound test is the theme for the Angry Video Game Nerd, who's well-known for making video reviews of terrible NES games. And that thing about 'Oscarfics'...once upon a time, there was a guy called Oscar who wrote some of the most horrid Sailor Moon fics ever, and were unsurprisingly the target of many an MSTer. Both AVGN's videos and these classic MSTs were inspirations for me taking a stab at humor, so what's why I made those nods to them.

And, that's it,
Grey-X