[Suggested music - WarioWare, Inc: Mega Party Games! - Menu Medley: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZN1dOPNDcc ]

Diamond City. A shining gem in the rough. Land of big wigs and small attention spans. Sure, Wario could take flight to glistening castles or exotic ruins for a chance at money. He could sail the seas and face pirates to earn his fortune. But something about the humble high-rises, the gourmet delivery pizza, and the intricate trash piles made the man's heart pound. When fortune called from afar, something special kept him here, connected to the people.

They owed him.

WarioWare Incorporated built this metropolis from the ground up! He was lead architect and planner of its famous Microgame industry! And his pen-pushing employees were the only ones making any profit from it! Everyone came to him with stupid junk they invented to cheat him out of his coins. Stuff like "workers' unions", or "minimum wage", or "paid leave", or "you are attempting tax evasion through front companies on Yoshi's Island". It left the businessman penniless!

No more. If trying to make an honest living meant every citizen and tax collector cheating him out of his earnings... Wario was ready to pay them back. Or for them to pay him back. Whatever. He'd be a cad again!

First, scouting. He traded his cap for a W-emblazoned helmet, and got his backside comfortable on his motorbike seat. The engine revved, spewing pollution out. The Wario Bike raced off on the city streets, a cat on the hunt - only several decibels louder, and worse at sharp turns.

At an amber light, Wario's beady eyes kept peeled for a sucker to rob later. Variety Tower... 1 Chance Mansion... the Building of Thrills... Hotel Future...

*Toot! Toooot!*

He nearly jumped ten feet in the air at the honking sound. A motorized scooter ran up beside him. Its bright crimson paint coat glimmered far too brightly in the sun. And a far-too-bright face was above the handlebar, grinning at him.

Mona, the pizza delivery girl. And gelateria worker. And was she still a cheerleader? That safari show she hosted was seriously rotten. Pretty good vocalist, though. Also a fashion magazine photographer.

"Hey!" Her voice chirped like a sweet bird's song at 3 AM on a Monday. "Wario! What's cooking?"

He snickered a little. "Gonna get some cash..."

She was a real doll, that Mona. Complete with an expansive wardrobe, thousands of odd jobs, a tendency to hang around lonely kids, and a habit of leaving a hole in people's wallets. She couldn't keep any of her jobs straight, with all the rushing around she did; so rescuing his money from her vaults would be a snap. And she was always nice enough to him, even if her tastes in microgames were... Off.

She put a hand on a stack of pizzas ready to fall from her scooter, hunching in. "Hey! Call me up after my shift at Sora Sora if you haven't pulled it off by then! I'd love helping the master of cool himself! ...For a cut of the profits."

He grumbled, picking his nose. She picked her nose back, in a bizarre salute, before stepping on the gas. Police cars chased her into the distance.

A few more blocks, and he reached the city's famous haunted mansion. Ashley's home, even to a normal-sized human, stood tall and ominous, at a scale that'd rival some of the Koopa Clan's fortresses. Wario hadn't been in, himself – but he'd heard stories of what rested inside. Portals to other worlds inside her library. A rare, enchanted mask collection that rivaled that of the legendary Happy Mask Salesman. And a whole bunch of rare art and treasure she wasn't using, anyway. With no minions but that clumsy Red, he'd have no problem sneaking in at small sizes... But what mysteries did it hide?

At the very top, in the open air, the witch herself stirred a green brew. Ashley was clad in a crimson dress with an orange neckerchief, and a tiara reflecting higher status. She looked down upon the traffic buzzing forward and backward below, a flat expression crossing her ruby pupils. They narrowed upon Wario.

"What? WHAT?" He called up.

"…" The ellipses sounded out silently from her mouth.

Red, who had transmuted into her stirring spoon, spoke up: "All your instant gratification and easy living has blinded you to the universe's truths! The great Ashley looks down on you blind insects in pity!" He hissed as ferociously as a terrified kitten. "A pox upon you, Diamond City!"

The mustached bandit laughed. "Yeah, curse this whole rotten dump!"

Ashley's eyes tilted away from her spoon, the large pigtails bobbing. "...Seriously?"

With liquid flowing through his mouth, Red stammered. "O-or possibly, she wants to say 'hi', but she's too shy. O-one or the other. The great Ashley has been in one of those moods lately..."

With greater vitriol, the witch bobbed and stirred the bowl, resulting in garbled yells from her demonic familiar. Wario revved his motorcycle's engine again, driving off just as the mad stirring above sent the girl, devil, and bowl tumbling down. Grass around the mansion soaked up the foul fluid, growing into constricting vines.

"Oh no, not again..."

[Suggested music - WarioWare: Smooth Moves - Ashley Bumper: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcmEnGp2EQw ]

After his day out in the city, Wario wheeled back home. That haunted mansion was awfully alluring - and compared to Mona's workplaces, didn't have as many people wandering around. And really, what harm could Ashley do?

He waited for night to fall, stretching his muscles in preparation, before putting himself through the yet-to-be-named shrinking device. He jumped into the cannon, pointed towards the starry sky. With a small blast, the bandit landed right at the jungle of grass outside her house. It gave him cover as he crept in through a hole by the front door, entering the great house.

"Excellent! Wahaha - URP." Realizing that he should keep his voice down, Wario covered his mouth - but continued muffled laughter.

Dim candle lights reflected off the little biker helmet, waddling across the mansion's labyrinthine passages. Its wearer trod with the stealth of a cat hunting a mouse - or hunting lasagna, at least. The fibers on the carpeting below were tall grass reaching his ankles. Itchy, damp grass that tinted in fake blood.

Despite the diminished stature of his shoes, each step seemed to birth a new echo of tortured, shrieking creaks from the aging floor. Hearing the ghastly noises, this burglar gained a strong desire to tear his own feet off. That'd teach 'em for messing up such a delicate stealth operation.

Through the holes and folds, he entered a hall wider than three football fields. The faint light grew brighter. Beheaded dolls sat on both sides, in carefully arranged seats sorted by height, resembling jurors. "Yeah, that's not ominous at all..." Within one's stuffing, he spotted something glimmering. A spider scurried away in a rush, knocking the man from his legs.

"WARGH! Watch where you're going, eight-eyes!"

He was about to take chase; until a tremble seizing the floorboards knocked him on his rear. A pale hand, large enough to scoop his house up, emerged from the shadows. With no hesitation, the bug scaled the slender middle finger, resting in the palm's curves as if it was a pillow. It lifted the spider, high above Wario, as another careful hand emerged to gently stroke its furry abdomen.

Jumping into a mutilated toy rabbit for cover, a cool sensation rushed down the thief's spine. When he gazed up, he shivered uncontrollably. She'd come. Flowing raven pigtails, merging with the shadows themselves; an orange tiara that spread out with the grace of a flower's petals; loafers with straps, great hills in the crimson fields, immovable monoliths; and her smooth hands curling and uncurling around the spider, each twitch of the digits deliberate and measures. An enormous, heavy dress covered her body, topped with a little neckerchief adorned with a tiny skull decoration. Her undergarments were partly visible behind the frightening lengths of uniform pantyhose; black silk, with frills around her perky buttocks. A full moon shrouded in mists looked less distant and smaller than her expressionless face. She lovingly petted the little creature... And tossed it over her shoulder into a bubbling cauldron.

The apprentice conjurer didn't even look in as she stirred the potion, vast waves erupting from her slender arms. Jars of assorted jellybeans, mandrakes, Fronks, and vegan eyeballs rested precariously in dusty shelves above. "Spider: check. Next ingredient."

Wario reeled away, backing into something hard inside the stuffing. This little girl he knew so well, the grumpy little baby bat, had become someone - something terrifying. A majestic, fear-inducing behemoth, whose name was only be mentioned in hushed whispers behind locked doors lest they invoke a deadly hex...

"Ashley!" Red flew in circles above her head, sweating bullets. "I can't find it! It's gone!"

Ashley didn't move, but Wario swore the girl grew even more towering as she heard the report. "What."

"Eh... Urhn..." The imp fidgeted. On instinct, Wario turned his head to the side; and noticed the glimmering thing poking his side. Brilliant, pale yellow, shaped like a banana - it made the fear in his little body evaporate. He found new courage.

The witch stirred harder, her delicate fingers clenched around the spoon, making small explosions emerge from her pot. Her hair magically flashed white. "WHAT did you lose, Red?"

Her assistant bowed. "The Crescent Moon Shard! The priceless, rare mineral that falls from the heavens once in a millennium, in the center of Crescent Moon Village! Your mixture's final crucial ingredient!"

With a blink, the dark-haired sorceress leaned to her knees. Her breath cleared fields of dust from the floor. "You gave it to my bunny for proper cushioning, remember?" She reached inside the toy, removing its stuffing....

...Not noticing that a shrunken intruder was already making a run with it, blazing down the hall. Wario didn't even bother looking backwards once he heard that this shiny, pokey thing was THAT valuable. Her position revealed more of her undergarments beneath the dress, as her great backside bulged out, stretching the coal-colored fabric in perfect hills.

The headless toy bunny fell to the floor, unstuffed and shriveled. "...It's gone." The young woman took a step forward. Thunder cracked from her great, flat sole as it drove into the ground. If Wario's little feet had made the boards groan, her steps turned them into wailing, shuddering messes that bounced in terror, trying to escape her wrath. Again, magic bleached her hair into silvery tones.

Red rubbed his head, forcing a smile. "Haha... Ahahah... *ulp* I'll f-find another for you!" He jumped on the windowsill, transforming into a broomstick. "What's one thousand years to a master witch who's going on five hundred? Haha, it'll be a snap!" He rushed out into the starry sky, sobbing.

Watching until her demonic companion became a little red spot, Ashley sighed. Within her palm's folds, she felt a tickle when she clenched her hand. Something rough against her smooth skin. She held it up to her crimson eyes, which blinked in surprise - before narrowing. "I'm not alone..."

It was a tiny black hair, hardened and jagged with mustache wax.

WWW

Chilling drafts brushed through Wario's facial hair, as he made a sharp turn at another hallway. Every tremble set him off-guard, anxious a massive witch-in-training might emerge from the next turn; but as he approached the hole he'd entered from, his fears shrunk away.

"Wah! Wahaha! Easiest getaway ever!" He set his sights for the hole in the wall.

With a dark glow, the exit began... sinking. It descended into the ground as if the floor was sucking it in. A magic hex to ensnare him!

The intruder snarled in shock. "What?! That's not fair! Exits aren't supposed to close themselves!" He dove for the cursed mouse-hole, watching the wall descend. He'd be able to make it out by crawling below the lowering barricade, but the Crescent Moon Shard wouldn't be able to fit.

To stay trapped in a manor of titanic terror, with a horrifyingly gigantic girl who cast the meanest and least-controllable spells in Diamond City... or leave without treasure? Wario pondered this deeply for a long, hard split second, then turned his broad back to the cavern. He had to find another way; one where he escaped full-handed.

Ashley's mansion twisted outwards in dizzying patterns before him. Dozens of spiraling pathways spread out before his tiny eyes. Every shaded corner had something moving - something HUGE moving. It felt as if each of the house's rooms trembled unsteadily in a slow, measured pattern of BOOMs, ready to fall apart at the whim of its owner. This was her world, and he was merely another toy in it, a slave to her magic. Regardless, Wario faced forward bravely, took a deep breath, and walked in.

There was money at stake.

Two paths stuck out. One to his left littered with old, yellowed pages, probably leading to some study; the other, at the right, with crumbs sprinkled around, pointing to a kitchen.

[Suggested music - Wario Land 4 - Hotel Horror: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3v8BXwrJPHU ]

Another exit lay somewhere - one wide enough for his Crescent Moon Shard. Using his amazing deductive senses, Wario chose to turn left. Ashley might be in the kitchen, preparing food; but who ever went into a library? Not him.

Not until now. He carried his haul across the halls, darting between discarded pages for cover. That little pink nose practically smelled the magic and hexes floating off each page.

From time to time, though, his body froze entirely. Everything stopped. Not out of fear, or to hide from the odd humming that echoed from each corner of the mighty adobe. His legs would just refuse to move in the middle of a sprint; and he'd feel a finger stroking his broad shoulder or muscular arm. It'd only break once a page or dust bunny fluttered by him, making him swat it hysterically.

He shouted to one: "Shoo! You're ruining my silent getaway!"

Finally, Wario squeezed his waist under the door at the hall's end.

Within, the sight he saw caused him to freeze. He jumped into a mouse-hole for cover.

Right in the center of the room lay a worm-eaten wood table. Dragging his eyes up the chewed pillars revealed dark thighs, a ruby torso, and a yellow skull brooch. Ashley! Had she teleported there? Or was her stride simply that vast, with those black-socked legs? She stared intently at a book on the desk. More volumes piled up, teetering skyscrapers around her: "Hexes from the Awazon", Books 1-4; "Enchanted Masks Catalog", the 1876 edition; The Books of "Sweets", "Chocolate", "Ice Cream", and "The Void That Awaits Each of Us In The End"; and "Basic Algebra".

His blue irises shrunk. A faint murmur of moving dust passed him. From the biker helmet, his brain screamed to move; but his limbs felt an inhibiting pressure on every side, as if immense fingers were molding and kneading them.

He did naught but stare, jaw agape, at each complex twitch and flicker of the witch's flowing dress and hair, the silent wispy noises stroking his soul. It seemed as if she was holding a sort of toy, stretching it.

Among more desperate thoughts, such as "HURRY UP, GET OUT!" and "RUN, DUMMY!", a question rushed into his miniaturized cranium: "Since when has she played with dolls?... Or combed her hair?"

Gazing blankly at the handheld item, Ashley lifted its left arm. The thief sensed a sharp squeeze on his own arm, which lifted instantly - dropping the Crescent Moon Shard from his clutches with a soft *ting*. She pulled the doll up to observe it - and Wario lifted into the air in perfect sync. As she dropped it on her chair, he fell flat on his gut, nearly ejecting his rotten soul and garlicky supper.

In that brief glance, he noticed the toy had a necklace made of thin hair from his mustache. "Urrrg... No way, she has one of those who-do dolls?" That was the best word he could manage for this construct that controlled his every movement and sensation.

Ashley rose to her legs, hovering above her creation. She looked to the distance, and spoke: "You can hear me. Come out with the shard." Her voice was perfectly flat, not even that loud, but made the mouse-hole-entrapped Wario shiver nonetheless. She turned back, lifting her dress in a curtsey. The monolithic rear eclipsed the effigy, resting flat. It faced up lifelessly to the vast expanse of midnight black leg wear snug around Ashley's taut cheeks.

No answer. The witch trainee clicked her tongue. "Don't say I didn't warn you." In a great transformation of sinews and muscles, her legs bent. The smooth, soft buttocks descended like a guillotine bearing judgement, with Wario struggling to decide whether to leap in and save it - and more importantly, himself.