[Suggested music - Wario Land: Shake It! - Boogie Mansion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3oqA5XTeECQ ]

Wario looked at the great task before him. Stretching up dizzying lengths above, the opening to Peach's throat - and his daring escape - was like a dream within a dream away, looking down and mocking him.

This yellow-clad swindler was NOT a man who took well to being mocked.

Those pink walls looked filled with lumps - easy to climb up. He spat on his gloved hands, noticing the holes that Peach's boiling acids had carved in them. She'd have to repay him later. Poised, arms and legs stretched out, he eyed a bulging barricade of pink muscle, as if to intimidate it. (Of course, he disregarded the fact that belly tissue does not have eyes, or know fear.) He took a running start and leaped into the royal stomach wall, sinking his claws into the meaty mass like it was finger food.

He slid off instantly, the juiced coating his chiseled abs.

Making another jump for it, Wario held on for a solid 7 nanoseconds before slipping down the steep muscular curve. "Wargh! Have I gained THAT much weight?"

He felt the gemstone shake in his gut, poking, and groaned. "Urgh, yeah, you don't hafta tell me twice."

The man in yellow paced around the humid microcosm, kicking at bits of mush and vitamin capsules that he'd just been briefly buried under. He scratched under his magnificent cap. "Think! How did my hero, The Great Wario-Man, gain height that time he was fighting those Smash Brothers?"

He charged his Down-B move, until a sliver of dignity and decency arose in his heart. There were too many chemicals nearby; too little space for any gas to air out; too much distance to travel; too little food in his system; and too much to cringe at in the story already. "Come on, there's another way!"

A roar from Peach's digestive movement knocked him off his feet, rumbling the foodstuffs. He shouted at it: "Shut up, I'm thinking! I gotta think like - like a guy who knows about stomachs!"

It shook again, causing the walls to drip with wetness. "Argh! The last time I dealt with a gut this loud was... Grrr...That time I stole those vitamins. It was cold season, and that clown Rudy was tryin' to nab them himself..."

He pounded the soggy floor, shouting in agony. "Bah, now I'm even madder! I kept trying to match vitamins in those bottles, but they kept stackin' up higher and higher!"

His eyes popped open. Rusty gears in the depths of his cranium began turning. His paws hovered over the hordes of pills scattered among the rolling hills of rubbery tissue, soaking in green and yellow. "They stacked up real high, yeah..."

WWW

Princess Toadstool sobbed gently. The professional, completely-not-a-quack Dr. Mario patted her back. He offered a complimentary lollipop. "Here. To make it stop-a hurting."

She hid her face from it, as if the candy's presence caused physical pain. "No... How can I eat again... When eating made me kill a poor little man..."

Pain seized her chest, heart thumping louder. Ugly tears streamed over her cheeks. Deep inside, it hurt. As if something tore away from within her. As if someone was punching her from inside. As if the minuscule man were still there.

Another blow hit her. "Wario?" She looked to the doctor's office. "He made it?"

Her fully-qualified caretaker jumped, nearly breaking the ceiling. He looked at the small wobbling around her midriff, and held his breath. "Stand-a still."

WWW

Wario hefted another vitamin up. He had a whole tower of the medication, which wobbled precariously. He hurriedly squeezed tighter into the foundation.

"Hah... Almost there, handsome... Gotta keep looking up, thinking outside the stomach..."

With a deep breath, he plunged into the acids anew, and paddled forward. He wrestled out one pill from the muscular floor, grabbed it in his teeth, and returned in a doggy-paddle. He took a bite out of it to keep himself together, before tossing it to the top of the tower.

"Come on, hurry up!" Using bite marks as footholds and legholds, he scaled to the highest reaches of his leaning tower, putting him in reach of the muscular valve.

The thief jumped for it. The tower wobbled beneath him. He reached up. It trembled further under his weight. Crouching, then springing up with every ounce of his might, he leaped into the aperture, just as his makeshift tower collapsed underneath him.

With a bit of squirming, brushing his girth against the squishy surface, he passed the barricade. A ray of hopeful light welcomed him above, from Peach's mouth, making the organic cavern glisten. He'd reached her throat! "Excellent! Wahahaha!"

Using all four limbs, stretched out to each side of him, he pushed himself upwards. He had to push his muscles to the fullest, to support the gem in his gut. A few missteps meant he slipped against the wet walls, costing him progress. But he kept pointing his pinkish nose up, determined to reach the exit.

A booming voice shook the walls around him, making him grip harshly. It rang through his bones: "Is Wario there?"

WWW

Dr. Mario observed the X-ray very legally and legitimately, searching for signs of extra tiny bones. Nothing. "He's-a not coming up. All I see are-a vitamins"

Peach was motionless as a statue. "Are you sure? I felt him..." She started fanning herself. "I can't imagine, he was moving so long. It must have been so slow, and excruciating."

Her whole body began trembling, cheeks turning red. Coughs exited her system. Dr. Mario, who was not only responsible and certified, rushed to her bedside. Seeing the agony across her, he grabbed the consolation lollipop and offered it - she gladly accepted.

WWW

Within, Wario hung from the uvula. He could cross her tongue, but then that gigantic ditz might swallow him again by accident.

Another stream of light shot into him, making his ruffled eyebrows descend. Something round and sticky entered Peach's immense mouth, a brilliant red. He took the chance, and leaped on it.

Her tongue lathered him this way and that, pressing him against the candy. It pushed and prodded him; but he weathered the storm of saliva that drenched his yellow-and-purple clothing.

"Wargh! Come on, take it out, get it over with!"

He felt the surface area of the treat shrinking away as Peach's mighty tongue licked continuously. It rubbed him against the rough buds. He felt his arms slipping...

[Suggested music - Super Mario 64 - Peach is Saved: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sky7OIKq_J4 ]

With a steady hold and a steadier stomach, Wario bore the full pressure of Peach's tongue licking him. He stuck hard to the lollipop; first, relying on its sticky surface to keep him in place; but as the candy shrunk, bathed in royal saliva, he ended up wrapping his stubby legs around the stick.

The unstoppable pink mass rolled around him. He heard the echo of sobs in the rear of his minuscule head, only making her lick harder. A harsh suction pulled his mustache against his cheeks. He felt his cap flying off.

"HEY!" Gripping for it, he felt his hold on the lollipop loosening, the sugar detaching from his body.

WWW

With a final sob, the patient tugged the lollipop from her lips. "I'll have to arrange a funeral."

Dr. Mario nodded, sighing. "His-a records list his next of kin as-a his pet hen. He said it's-a the only person who's-a never betrayed him."

How did this happen? Why did it have to end like this?

As Peach bowed her head in respect, she heard the faintest trace of a whispered "Waaah." Was that just her imagination? She looked towards her candy, and...

"Wario!" The joy in her voice nearly rocked him off his perch. She held his form in her gloves, tears welling up in her eyes above. Yes, it really was him, completely safe!

Feeling cool hospital air brush his body one more time, the shrunken thief laid in her soft, fluffy hold. The gem rattled in his gut, veiled from anyone's view. Both his hands were up in a celebratory "W" sign. "Waah... Yahoo! Wario's number one!"

He heard clapping in a pointed ear. Beside the two, the good doctor was smiling; he swelled with pride at how his professional conduct and non-falsified medical licence had carried them to safety. "Nice-a job! It's-a so great to see you."

Wario snarled, shaking a fist at him. "Can't say the same for you, lasagna-trousers! What were you thinking, knocking me around with those pills?"

Covering her giggles - though they still shook the tiny bandit - the princess' shoulders loosened. "He's as healthy as ever. Thank you, Dr. Mario!" She turned to the handheld man, smiling. "How can I make this up to you?"

He smiled earnestly in response at the gigantic face for just a moment. For a second, sheer joy from being alive and having such good company filled his worn, meaty heart. For a breath, the world wasn't dog-eat-dog. All lust, all pride - all greed, even - took a coffee break.

At at the moment his avarice returned, it gnarled his visage into a snarl. They had to know he stole Peach's jewelry. This was a trick to snatch him!

"Wah, you're not foolin' me! That treasure's mine, you can't have it!"

He leaped from the palm platform, blowing a raspberry, and raced at full throttle for home.

Peach blinked, an elegant finger on her lip showing her confusion. Dr. Mario turned to her with a definitive, certified shrug.

WWW Hours Later WWW

"OW! Watch it, beanpole!"

"Weh, stand still!"

"It's in me somewhere, keep at it!"

Bandages coated Wario's nose and cheeks - half from the boiling enzymes, half from his machine stretching him to his full, glorious size. Waluigi held a fishing rod, with the wire deep in Wario's bowels.

The rogue in purple grinned, and swung the pole out. He'd hooked Peach's tiny gem, which glimmered. Both bandits gazed at it with jaws open and eyes bright... As it dissolved in midair, thanks to torment from two sets of stomach acids. The dust blew over their noses, drifting in the wind.

Waluigi chased after it, climbing out the window. "Weh, you get back here, dust!"

"No! No..." Wario reached an arm out desperately to the window, before it drooped limply. His mouth was frozen in a grin, unable to move. "My precious..." Looking at Waluigi's wild stretching, he laughed in a low pitch, slowly. The laughter built to a booming, futile guffaw, as tears gushed from him.

A ring at the doorbell. He lifted his arms on instinct, and shouted between cries: "Nobody's home! *sob* And anyone who is home is innocent! *whimper* Don't believe what the media's reported about me! They lied about my criminal past and exaggerated my BMI! *sob* Objection, I summon Exhibit B to my chambers!"

The Parakoopa at the door cleared her throat. "Package for Mr. Wario?"

A blur of yellow opened it, and snatched the parcel from his hands.

Inside, Wario's eager hands tore the box apart. The sight within made his face turn greener than Luigi's shirt, and reel backwards in agony.

A cake. A beautiful two-layer vanilla cake.

One made with the same batter that his gem had first fallen in.

One that had the same sweet scent he'd been bathed in during his trip inside the scenic stomach of a princess.

As he stared in terror, looking at it like a Bob-Omb about to go off, a piece of paper that he'd tossed up in his tearing floated onto his nose. It had a message in beautifully-kerned handwriting:

"Dear Wario:

I've baked this cake especially for you. You'll continue receiving them until I've paid you back for everything I've done.

Please enjoy.

Yours truly--
Princess Toadstool
Peach"

Feeling his gut turn, Wario sprinted out the window after Waluigi. "Wah! No, no more cake! Waluigi, we're moving!"

(END)

[Suggested music - Wario Land 2 - The Journey Home: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAf3gM9JwRM ]