[Suggested music - Mario Party 2 - Bowser's Theme - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6aW1ocqSHEk ]

Far off in the distance lay the big leagues - the REAL big leagues, making shrimps of the princesses. Guys who build whole empires littered with coins on the streets, waiting for Wario to snatch them up. Big shots seated way-too-comfortably in thrones, doing nothing but kidnapping people.

The King of Koopas, Bowser, probably hid some hefty sums in that new fortress of his. No doubt, it was loaded with many sorts of things to maim, burn, and squash pesky plumbers coming in; but the thief couldn't remember the last time he did plumbing.

For a moment, the yellow-capped man rested a sausage-esque finger on his chin. Was it really okay for him to steal from the big turtle? He was a major jerk, a big brute, and had a pea-sized brain within a kingdom-sized swollen head; but Bowser was even worse. They both hated red guys foiling their plans. And the ruler was actually a real help with Wario and Waluigi's tennis swings. Heck, they hadn't had a real fight together since the whole thing with the Power Stars...

...Power Stars. If he had Power Stars, that changed everything! Those things could go for millions in Rogueport markets - or pay a princess' ransom for Mario to buy back! As the anti-hero imagined the look on Mario's face when he entered the star's holding area, only to find someone beat him to the punch... pools of drool rose at his feet.

Of course, if he wanted to avoid some temper tantrums, he might have an easier time at one of King Boo's mansions. If he found some paranormal hotspot, the old haunt would be packed with riches for him to suck up. Packed with cobwebs, too, granted. But what's the problem with a little bit of a rustic, homey atmosphere? Heck, the old house Wario just left wasn't up to standards. Maybe, if he was ambitious, the adventurer in yellow could kick all the ghosts out, and keep a snazzy new mansion for himself and Waluigi!

...Scratch that: keep a snazzy new mansion for himself!

Now, intruders could end up getting spooked; but at the very least, King Boo wasn't on guard protecting a kidnapped princess. The large-boned swindler chortled as he turned shrunk himself with the machine. Kidnapping princesses - why bother? Such a pain to keep them from escaping. Wario only tried that once, and he outsourced the job. There were far greater things in life to attain than gals. Give him a twinkling star treasure or a few bundles of ghostly bills, and he'd be happy never seeing a princess for years.

Unbeknownst to him, something had gone seriously wrong in the happy-go-lucky world of Nintendo. The discovery of a new, mysterious powerup, the Super Crown, stumbled scientists: anyone who wore it became a fair young women, not unlike Princess Peach. Eager to wield its awe-inspiring meme magic, the most feared tyrants of the fair kingdom's environs found themselves with the crown in their hands; and not seconds later, gaining human forms, large curves, and costumes matching their old appearance. Strange creatures - "Bowsette", "Booette" - lurked in wait, trying to make sense of their states.

Wario was about to run into more princesses than he bargained for, as he loaded the cannon with himself...

[Suggested music - Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story - The Giant - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5A9xBIE5-w ]

Past a sea of bubbling lava, above fleets of airships getting in gear, and through a stained-glass window with Bowser's grinning mug, Wario flew into his target. The fabled Another Castle, the holding place of some poor princess in distress - and most importantly, a stolen Power Star. Its intruder slid across the crimson carpet, seeming to welcome him into this realm of impossibly-distant ceilings, and walls covered in spikes larger than his body.

A Goomba marching by towering jade door pulled his attention. Something good in there - something that the castle's owner didn't want intruders to take. The mushroomy guard took notice of this miniature thief, and charged forward - only for Wario to leap on its head, squashing the thing underneath a harsh ground-pound. He slid underneath the crack.

A blast of raw, humid air hit his nose, making his mustache nearly wilt. Those flaming deathtraps must have been on particularly hard in this room. The perfect atmosphere for a final confrontation between two rivals... Which Wario was totally going to crash. Navigating the hazy area, the heat distorted his view far away. Something green and black shifted in a rough pattern, getting closer, then further from him. A thin line of cracks lay in the stone where this creature's towering legs had been pacing.

"Gah! This 'Bowsette' joke's gone far enough! I'm gettin' sick of it!"

That super-collider voice, echoing off the old concrete, stopped Wario in his tracks. His shoulders slunk up against a wall, tense shoulders raised to his chins.

Between thumps in the distance and pounding pulses, the swindler registered some bass growls. That voice was the same as one of those broads he went golfing with... No, it was too throaty and deep for that. Or was that simply how sound worked at this size?

Thud. THUD. SCRUNCH - a stone tile crumbled underfoot with less resistance than an eggshell. "Get off my head, dumb thingamabob! Do you know who I am?"

The ground shook stronger than if a POW block hit it - knocking the intruder gut-first onto the cracked stone. He wobbled softly, trying to re-orient himself towards the correct path. At the very moment when the world had stopped spinning, a sputter of flames behind the woman cast an angular, all-devouring shadow. From great leaps and bounds away, the resonating THUMP of a mighty backside slamming into a seat rang into his pointed ears. The throne's material screeched against the force of her bulbous, gargantuan rear, its hefty weight shifting and twitching restlessly. In a throne of bone and leather, slouched the ruler of the castle...

"Peach? Whah?" Dashing forward with his hand at his eyebrow, the yellow pseudo-plumber's squinted pupils navigated the titanic woman. Black heels - the cause of the earlier tremors - each flew into the air, and on a shell-shaped footrest, shifting and grinding for comfort. The princess' midnight dress bunched up at her lap, generating a series of winding hillocks, curving around a pair of mountains greater than Mt. Lavalava - and more furious, the flesh and muscle quaking with every deep breath.

At this sight, Wario licked his lips, cheeks lifted in a wide smile - his heart racing by the display of beauty before him. The power star gleamed between her breasts, illuminating the leathery tit flesh - along with the key attached to it. Dollar signs rolled in his eyes, powering his stubby legs to push closer. But at the footstool. He'd be rich; but he'd have to scale this Peachy tower of folding fabrics. It was a huge drop from up high... Was it really worth the risk climbing up Princess Peach?

...No, that was wrong. This wasn't Peach, the shrunken adventurer realized. Old Princess Toadstool in a cage to the corner, face in her hands. Crud – did this mean Mario was coming? He had to grab his prize fast, and get out. But as he approached, he wondered: who the heck was this woman he stood below, storm clouds spewing from her toothy snarl?

"I'll tell you who I am - Bowser, King of Awesome! Grown Toads tremble at my name! So get off me, Stupor Crown!" The gigantic Bowsette slammed her heel off the footrest - pinning Wario beneath its incapacitating weight without noticing. He struggled against the slick black pillar from the sky, feeling intense pressure on his stomach and the breakfasts contained within. His brain spun - were his brains knocked out by that blow, or did this dame just call herself "Bowser"? What happened to him?

From behind a giant pair of locked, green doors, Kamek knocked. "Lord Bowser! Er, Lady Bowsette? Your nastiness, the Hyper Final Boss Weapon is ready for your testing!"

The monolithic monarch's bushy brows framed a pair of blue reptilian eyes, larger than the greatest food plates Wario had ever gobbled garlic from. The shrunk pupils darted everywhere - as if trying to escape their sockets. Her legs stood stiff and motionless - their tension pulverizing their unintentional victim - her tail twitched rapidly, producing great thundering claps. "Test it yourself! The kingdom can't see its king until she's taken this crown off!" After another unsuccessful attempt at removing it, she stomped the ground again - squeezing Wario like a squeaky toy, pushing the air out of him completely.

The Magikoopa paused before answering. "The soldiers are begging for their leader. What should I tell them?"

"Why? So they can stare at me without scales? So they can chortle at how soft I look? So they can double-cross me now that I can't scare 'em into submission?" The spike-collared mountain ran her hands over her unfamiliar, smooth legs, twisting them in disgust. From the corner, Peach blushed. The simple tug dragged the thief brusquely with the shoe, smearing him. "Tell 'em I'm busy training, that I'm meaner than ever, and that any Goomba that barges in entitled to a Bowser Beatdown!"

For emphasis, she thumped her sole a few times - each pound, Wario found bones he didn't even know he had cracking apart under pressure. The echoing THWOOM made it impossible for him to get his balance again. Kamek gave few words before departing: "Bowsette... You'll have to come out of your shell sometime."

"Yank me out, I dare you!" Flames erupted from her shout, splattering across the door. Each skyscrape arm, topped with a spiked cuff, alternated between itching her monstrously well-defined torso, picking bits of drumsticks from her guillotines of teeth, and clawing desperately at her headpiece: a glowing crown with a pink mushroom at the center. The rapid twists and angry grunts all transferred to her underfoot intruder, grinding his gut flat - and sending dirt raining onto his rosy nose. Sweat covered Wario's brow as he tried to force it off - but even this transformed Koopa Queen's heel outmatched his whole body. So it was that crown's magic that transformed him...

"This dumb powerup was supposed to make Mario run screaming! The bells and cherries did that fine! But this junk's just sucked the rugged charm from my bod, to the last drop!" The tyrannical tower tossed her fists out in a tantrum. With a fire-laden groan, her soles stamped louder than a heavy metal drummer.

"What does it want me to do – beat Mario with tea parties?" The rapid THUDTHUDTHUD against the harsh flooring drove their mustached victim dizzy, every impact hitting him in a new pressure point. His calls of "WAH" were each choked silent by a new twisting step on his lungs. The dark plain of pain practically pancaked him, lifting him with the last few horrifying THUDs.

"Erm..." Peach, from her cage, raised a dainty hand with the volume and audacity of a Mouser. "If the tea were warm enough, and the party had Bowser Spaces, it might hurt."

Bowsette's mania paused. "Hhrm, diabolical... and tasty..." Picturing a scorching teacup, she rubbed her slender chin, and folded a long leg up to the shell footrest.

With a whizz in his ears, a breath of tepid-but-satisfying air in his jaws, and a flashing blur of lava and grey walls, Wario was sent up with the sole. Once his head realigned, he realized: he'd scaled higher! Excellent! The Power Star's glow reinvigorated him. Focusing that newfound energy into a hard push, stumbled off the pillar skewering him, and jumped onto the furniture.

It was lucky he bumbled out - one breath later, the same heel stomped where he had stood. "ARGH!" Bass snarls emerged from her lips, cinders flaring from the caverns of her nostrils. "Caffeine isn't the point! I'm telling you, this body's too puny!"

The invader stood before the "puny" body, its heavy girth dominating the chamber. From this perspective, the gender-twisted tyrant's features grew in visibility. A messy ponytail flopped this way and that each time she tried to tear the Super Crown off. Loose bits of it fell off, and strung on her slick skin, drenched from the blaring heat. Each blazing, irritated breath caused her bust to wobble, the five-pointed treasure rocking dangerously with it - along with the whole great hall. Peach rested in that cage, looking out for a hero.

Wario adjusted his cap. So, this was "Bowsette"... She was a big challenge, but someone had to rescue that helpless victim of her villainy. And maybe save the princess afterwards. Maybe.

He trod towards his destination, feeling its glow upon his buff frame.