----- Sunday

I was feeling rotten the next day as you can imagine. Julie was right last night: I overreacted. At least I had others here who loved me and wanted to comfort me.

Zoe and I woke side by side Sunday morning.

"Good morning, my pretty little one."

"Well thank you for the compliment."

"It's true. You're very pretty. Where's Gail, by the way?"

"I suspect still in bed."

"You left her to to be with me last night, didn't you?"

"You needed me more."

"You always come to my aid."

"You saved me. That's worth all the nights together for the rest of your life if you need it."

"I beg to differ, but thanks."

"If I can make you feel better then that's all the thanks I need."

"Why are you so good to me?"

"You know the reasons."

"Yeah. I must be pretty lucky, all things considered. I can't believe my luck."

"You've had bad luck too. Perhaps the buddhists got it wrong: maybe karma works in a single lifetime."

"Maybe. I don't feel like getting up. Can we stay in bed all day long?"

"You can. I need to go see Gail."

"Oh yeah. How callous of me. Go. I'll be fine. I'll be getting up anyway. I've changed my mind about staying in bed."

"So fickle."

I met Cindy in the dining room, just sitting at the table swinging her legs back and forth. This old table looks too small in the new dining room. I need a bigger one. I can't believe I just said that I needed something bigger in my life.

"No naked tea this morning?" I queried.

"Nah."

She got up and hugged me.

"Thanks." I said. "What was that for?"

"Just because. I want to get in as much hugs as possible before I go."

"Then how about another one?"

My ear was resting against her chest. I could feel her heartbeat. It wasn't as strong as Julie's but it was faster. Cindy, who I used to be a head taller than was now more than a head taller than me. I could care less.

"I'll miss you when I go, Sam."

"You're moving on to better things, Cindy."

That made her smile and I love seeing her smile.

"Oh, and before I forget," I said, "thanks for swimming with Julie's mother yesterday."

"That was fun."

"But you nearly gave me a heart attack, young lady. I'm so glad you had a swim suit for her and for yourself."

"You should have seen your face."

"I know."

We laughed. Zoe and Gail caught us laughing. They walked into the dining room hand in hand and said together "What's so funny?"

"Just talking about Cindy offering Julie's mom a swim. I thought she was going to make her skinny dip. I was worried."

"Your facial contortions did look pretty funny there yesterday." Gail said.

"Gail, thank you for last night."

"I didn't do anything."

"You let Zoe sleep with me."

"Awww, it was the least I could do. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No. But I want you to know that you can stay here as long as you like. This house is big enough we could all live here and never even see each other if we wanted it that way."

"That wouldn't be fun: not seeing each other."

"But this house is so big. Did you know that Cindy found a new bathroom the other day?"

"Where?"

"Off the pool deck."

"How convenient."

"I'm still looking for new and hidden rooms. Have you found any?"

"Where does that door in the basement lead to?"

"That one goes to the pool pump room."

"I was hoping it would be a bunker."

"That's not a bad idea. Perhaps we could build one out back behind the pool."

"I can help. I'll get the dynamite."

"Maybe we better let the professionals do this."

"I suppose you're right. That would be best. But I get to decorate it."

"You don't decorate a bunker."

"General Mayhem's wife decorated his bunker."

"General Mayhem's wife wore army boots."

"Very chic. I would look real cute in army boots."

"Oh, I'm sure you would. We'll have to find a pair in your size."

"And an army uniform with a shiny patent leather gun belt with the strap that goes across your chest."

"You're starting to scare me, Gail."

"Me, scary? Okay, how about army boots and a dress?"

"That's even scarier."

"Army boots and nothing else." Cindy said.

"Cindy!"

"Just trying to help."

Zoe thought it was funny.

"You can wear anything you want, Gail." I said. "Just don't use dynamite when decorating the bunker. Or guns."

"What about a paintball gun?"

"What're you going to do: plaster the wall with paintball paint?"

"It would give it that earthy, colorful, bunker camouflage look."

"I think the bland cement look is what we're going for."

"That's no fun."

"Speaking of dresses, have you ever seen Zoe in a mini-skirt and knee-high socks?"

"No, but I'd bet she'd be sexy."

"Especially with curly hair."

"You two are nuts." Zoe said. "You know that, right?"

"Trust me, Gail." I said. "Zoe's sexy as hell dressed like Velma."

"I don't dress like Velma." Zoe complained. "I had my own look."

"When did you dress up as Velma?" Gail asked.

"In college. And I didn't dress like her. I just wore pleated skirts and socks."

"Mini-pleated-skirts and penny loafers too." I said. "Screw those army boots."

"How do you know?" Gail asked.

"Because, uh, because she told me."

"Did you two know each other in college?"

"Long story." Zoe and I both agreed. "We did, but didn't."

"You two are such an enigma."

"It has to do with Samantha."

"Okay, understood. We'll definitely have to find a skirt for you, Zoe. And penny loafers."

"And if she curls her hair," I said "I won't be able to keep my hands off of her."

Zoe smiled. But Gail looked at us suspiciously.

"Them is fightin' words, Sam." Gail said.

"Don't worry, Gail. I wouldn't think of coming between you two."

"Good, because I doubt I could compete." she said.

"Don't be too sure."

I knew where Gail stood now. I had suspected it, but I wasn't quite sure about Zoe yet.

"Anyway, thanks again, Gail and all of you." I said. "I just want you all here to know that you're my best friends."

Then we had a big little people group hug. Later we sang. We talked. We swam. We splashed each other and floated on our backs. Gail kept checking out the pool bathroom making sure there wasn't a hidden passage to a hidden bunker. Not a word was said about Julie.

I had thought I really messed up with Julie and had just about given up this time. It was going so good for a while and I blew it. But then ...



----- Confrontation

That Sunday night the doorbell rang and I opened the door to find a sight I certainly didn't expect: Julie was standing behind her Mom who had a stern look on her face. If Julie weren't so tall I'd swear her mother would have been dragging her by the ear. Everyone else in the house saw and became silent.

"Julie has something to say to you, Sam."

"Come in."

"Thank you."

"Can we go somewhere private?" Julie asked.

"Sure. How about outside? We can talk amongst the trees."

"Okay."

"Let me get my shoes."

The weather was warming but it was still a bit chilly during the night. Nevertheless, I went out in short sleeves and we walked into the back yard a ways and stopped to talk privately. Julie knelt down.

"What happened last night?" she asked.

"I fucked up, Julie. That's what happened."

"You kicked me out of your home."

"Yes, I did. I wasn't myself, okay? I lost it. Me and my little temper tantrum. It was a mistake. I'm sorry."

"What were you mad about?"

"You seriously don't know?"

"No."

"You called me a freak."

"No, I didn't. I called myself a freak. I am."

"Shut uuuup! I have size problems too. If you're a freak then that makes me a freak. Even if you were a freak, you know that I still take you as you are. But I guess I'm not someone you would ever consider spending a lifetime with since I'm such a freak too."

"But you're not ..." She stopped mid sentence. She only now realized what I meant.

"Get it?"

"I don't see you that way. You're not a freak."

"And I don't see you that way either. Doesn't my opinion count as much as yours?"

I was getting madder and louder at this point. I don't want to lose it again but I was very emotional about this.

"Yes. It counts."

"You said we were too different. That I was too small."

"I didn't mean it."

"Then why did you say it?"

"I told you I couldn't help hurting you."

"So you said that to hurt me?"

"No. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I needed an excuse. I didn't think it through and I hurt you again."

"Do you really feel that way?"

"No! Please, I didn't mean it. It's the first thing that came to mind. I'm so, so sorry. But you hurt me too."

"I did?"

"You kicked me out."

"You left first."

"But I kept coming back."

"Stringing me along."

"I couldn't help it. I wanted you but I couldn't stay with you."

"Makes perfect sense."

If you detected a hint of sarcasm in my voice then good for you.

"But Mom needs me."

"Bullshit. That's just a convenient excuse. You left before Jill got shot. You're not very good at excuses. And give Mom a little more credit. She needs to move on too and she doesn't need you near day and night."

"Maybe I need to be near her."

"Oh. I didn't think of that."

"It hit me hard last night, Sam."

"What hit you?"

"Reality. Yes, I know I left you before. I thought I could but I found out I can't completely leave you. Not if it's my own decision. You must know that."

"I was hoping."

"What hit me so hard last night was that it was you that kicked me out this time. It was your choice, not mine. It seemed so final. I thought I'd never ever see you ever again for real."

"Yet here you are."

"Mom dragged me. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here. Maybe that's why I need her."

"I owe her a debt for bringing you back."

"Yeah right, after paying off her house."

Yep, Julie can be sarcastic too.

"She was most of the way through the mortgage anyway." I said in my defense.

"I know how much she owed."

"You owe her a debt too."

"I can never repay her for all she's done for me."

"That's the beauty of having a loving Mom: you don't have to repay her."

"Realizing you didn't want me, Sam, that hurt."

"Tell me about it."

"You don't know how bad I felt last night. I don't know if I could have lived without being able to come see you. You scared me."

"I scared you? How?"

"I've never seen you like last night. The blood vessels in your neck were sticking out. It may sound irrational to you, but I can't even guess at what you're capable of Sam."

"I can't imagine what I could do to you, of all people."

"You were so fast when you wrestled that most people, even me, couldn't tell what you were doing until it was over and you had turned your opponent into a pretzel. And you did it in the blink of an eye. You're even faster now. I'm sure you could hurt just about anyone when you're mad, including me, even at your present size."

"At my present size the safe in the office is immovable; you picked it up like it was nothing."

"Oh no. It was heavy. It took all of my strength to lift it."

"It didn't seem like it."

"Maybe it didn't, but it was."

"But you still lifted it and would have carried it all the way to the bedroom if I wanted."

"I would have had to put it down a few times along the way to catch my breath."

"I doubt that, but, whatever. You have no reason to be afraid of me."

"I have a reason to be afraid of losing you for good."

"Maybe getting mad was a good thing."

"I don't like seeing you like that."

"I'll try, but when I get frustrated then I don't know. I wish I could promise I won't ever do that again, but I don't know if I could keep that promise."

"Would you try?"

"Of course. But I think there's something else you're afraid of."

"Like what?"

"Commitment."

She looked away and thought for a few seconds, not saying anything. Then she turned to face me again.

"Sam, every time I commit to something, something bad happens. I committed to you, then I hurt you, then Jill was killed."

"Shit happens."

"This was huge pile of it."

"It will keep piling higher and higher no matter what we do. But we can handle it together when it does."

"If we decide to get back together, can you be patient with me?"

"After waiting all these weeks?"

"Please."

"I'll wait for you until the end of time if that's what it takes."

"I'm still scared. I don't know how this will work."

"How about we forget all the bad things and start over?"

"I can't forget Jill."

"Okay, all the bad things except Jill. I can't forget about her either."

"She was mad at me for what I did to you."

"Wasn't she a part of that?"

"Only a little. I used her name online but she knew what was happening and wasn't too happy about it."

"Neither was Zoe."

"I think she tried to convince us not to encourage Samantha."

"Ya think?"

"It was so long ago and I can't really put the names to people."

"Zoe was blackmouse."

"I figured that. Jill was so upset when she found out about grinder, that is, Samantha."

"About her death?"

"Yeah. About her committing suicide. She practically blamed me. She demanded I tell you about the whole thing."

"I knew Jill was hurting and I thought it was because of her part in it. I had no idea."

"Don't blame her. Blame me."

"No, I don't blame you. So, what about you anyway? How did you feel about Samantha?"

"I didn't play their online games though so Samantha's death didn't mean that much to me. She was Jill's friend, not mine."

"But Samantha did your bidding."

"Okay. Stop rubbing it in."

"I don't mean to rub it in. I'm just trying to understand it all. Did you think it was going to work?"

"What?"

"That I would actually shrink?"

"No, I didn't. It was just something to do. You know, to get back at you. I thought it was more symbolic than anything else. You have to admit, the idea of someone actually shrinking was pretty farfetched way back then. But if I knew that it was real maybe I wouldn't have done that."

"I'm sure you wouldn't. Hindsight is always clear, but at the time you couldn't know what you were doing."

"It doesn't change what happened."

"Under those circumstances, Julie, what you did wasn't so wrong."

"Do you think so?"

"I know so."

"Are you bitter?"

"For what you and Samantha did? No. I put it behind. I'm very sad that Sammie and Jill aren't here with us anymore, and it sucks that I'm getting smaller. What we do has consequences, but you couldn't have known. Sammie was most to blame but I've forgiven her and I have feelings for her still."

"For me too?"

"Feelings? Yes, you know that. Lot's of good feelings, Julie. I've forgiven you long ago for anything bad you did to me. Now it's time for you to forgive yourself."

"Is that what you want?"

"More than anything."

"I'll try." Her eyes were watering up.

"You have to stop beating yourself up over this. It's just hurting everyone else. Right?"

"I guess so."

"Catching the virus could have come from anywhere, Julie. I could have contracted it from Kaycee. Or maybe Samantha and I would have hooked up anyway without your prodding. Or maybe I could have gotten it from Zoe. Who knows."

"Really?"

"It could have happened a hundred different ways. Even if you never got revenge it may not have changed history."

"Do you think that?"

"Sure. But you know what?"

"What?"

"You were there and stayed with me, comforting me when I did start shrinking. I'm immensely grateful for that. I couldn't have lived through it without your loving. Thank you."

"I-I don't know what to say." she said. Tears were starting to form a little river down her cheeks.

"Say you love me."

"I love you, Sam."

"I love you too, Julie. We can make this work. We'll get past all of this."

There was a few moments of silence again. She stood up and seemed as tall as the surrounding trees to me.

"So, can we get to get back together, Julie?"

"I'd like to, yes. Let's play it by ear and not commit to anything just yet."

"I suppose I'll have to live with that."

"Do you still want me to help with your corporation?"

"Absolutely."

"Okay."

"Come over once in while, maybe stay the night. We'll have fun, maybe make love. You don't have to move all your stuff. How's that?"

"I can do that, but staying overnight is a big move."

"I don't see why. We had sex. I would think that's the bigger hurdle."

"Sex isn't a hurdle."

"It is for me. Do you know what I have to do just to kiss you?"

"It's a bit of work for me too. I'm not complaining."

"It's asymmetric."

"What?"

"You can kiss me whenever you want. I have to at least get your attention if I want to kiss you."

"That doesn't make sense."

"Look at us: you were down on one knee and I was still looking up at you. If you want to kiss me all you have to do is get down and kiss. If I want to kiss you then I need you to get down to my level. I cannot get to your level without a ladder. See what I mean?"

"I think so."

"Just forget about it. Do you remember being small?"

"It seems like ages ago."

"Remember how when you were a kid and you had to look up to all the grownups?"

"Yeah. And now I look down on everyone. Everyone I used to look up to, they're all like kids."

"Everyone is like a grown up to me, still. And you, well..."

"I'm sorry."

"I don't want your sorrow. I just want you to realize that it's work for me and how hard I'm trying to make our relationship work. Please work with me."

"I will. I promise."

"That's all I ask. Let's go in. I'm getting cold."

"I could hold you and warm you up. I always liked holding you."

"Even when I got smaller?"

"Especially since you're smaller."

I reached up like a child for it's mother and she picked me up in her arms and cradled me.

"It's like holding a baby, huh?"

She shrugged and I nearly rolled out of her arms. But she held me tighter. "Maybe this brings out my motherly instincts." she said.

"Okay, mom. You know I could call you mom out in public and we'd fool everyone."

"Would you like that?"

"I'm not sure. Would you like to try some time?"

"If you want to."

"Yeah, that really answers the question."

"Okay. It might be fun. We could try it sometime."

"Would you breast feed me in public?"

"Now you're getting naughty."

"Are you going to spank me?"

"You're terrible. We should go back."

"Fine. Let's go. And Julie?"

"What?"

"I'll try not to hurt you again, but nobody can promise that. But I can promise that it won't be intentional."

"I'll try too."

"Just put me down before we go inside."

"So all that talk about playing mommy in public was just talk?"

"But we'll be in front of people we know. I'll be embarrassed."

"You traipse around naked with them and now you're embarrassed?"

"Alright, carry me."




----- Back inside

"It's about time." Cindy said.

"Sorry, we had a lot to talk about."

"So, you've made up?" Julie's mother asked.

"No. Julie broke my leg, that's why she's carrying me."

"What?!!!" they pretty much all asked together, incredulously.

"SAM!" Julie shouted.

"I'm kidding! I'm kidding! Sheesh. Can't anyone take a joke?"

They were all pretty mad so maybe that wasn't too appropriate. But you can guess my mood.

"So?" they asked. Everyone was curious what we talked about, or more to the point, what came of it.

"Well, I think we've come to an understanding. Julie's going to stop beating herself up over what happened."

"What about you, Sam?"

"I gave up eating figs."

Everyone had confused looks on their faces.

"Okay, I'm kidding again. What can I say? I'm happy."

"Are you happy, Julie?" Mom asked.

"Yeah, I'm happy. Happier than when I came here, that's for sure."

"What a relief. Did Julie apologize for whatever she did to you, Sam?"

"She didn't need to apologize for anything. But I apologized for hurting her, Mom."

"I'm glad that's over with."

"I didn't really want to kick her out last night but I lost my temper. I hope you all can forgive me."

They said they did and that was a relief for me. I really thought I had blown it. Thank God for Mom.

"Sam." Julie said. "I hope you don't mind that I'll be going home with Mom tonight."

"She thinks I need her." Mom said.

"I think it's the other way around; she needs you." I told Mom.

"Well, Julie, I am always here for you." she said. Julie acknowledged that fact. I wanted her mother to know something.

"Whatever happens between Julie and I, Mom, you're always welcome here in my home."

"Good. Maybe we can all go skinny-dipping sometime."

My eyes went wide. Julie cried "Mo-om!"

"Relax, Julie." Mom said. "I was just kidding, like Sam. Cindy and I were talking about the pool. I'm not ready to let it all hang out in front of you."

Mom winked at me. I gave Cindy the stink-eye.

"You must have a lot of fun with Cindy, Sam." Mom said. "I hope Julie will want to join you all sometime."

"Julie's always welcome and Cindy is a barrel of laughs. I need to thank you for bringing Julie here tonight, Mom. I don't think me crawling over to her would have worked and I really would have had no idea what to do if I did. If it hadn't have been for you, well ..."

"No need to thank me. Let's just say a little birdie told me to do this."

"I'm indebted to that little birdie."

"I think we'll be going now." Mom said. "It's late and I don't want to keep you all from getting up early for your jobs."

Then they left just like that. I wanted Julie to spend the night, but I think that will be coming in the future. I wasn't one hundred percent sure that things were back on the right track but I felt good about it.


----- Afterward

"Are you feeling better, Sam?" Zoe asked after they were gone.

"I thought I had seen the last of Julie last night. Yeah, I feel better."

"You know what I think?"

"What?"

"Everything will turn out alright in the end for you, Sam."

"You're being very optimistic about this."

"You're here."

"Yes, I am. So?"

"That's a big deal to me. There was a point where I thought we were going to lose you."

"I'm sorry about that."

"It's alright. We're all here safe now. That's what matters."

"Maybe we need that bunker. Then we can stay safe."

"Don't start that again."

Gail chuckled.

"So, Cindy." I said.

"Yes, Sam?"

"I'd hate to take Zoe away from Gail tonight again. Would you like to sleep with me?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

The last few weeks reminded me of a line from a folk song I like: 'The River is Wide'.

         ... I know not if, I sink or swim. ...

It's such a hauntingly beautiful song; I get sucked into it whenever I hear it. And when I listen to the words I feel that it was written just for me. I think I'll sing it this Friday.