----- Somewhere

"Wheee!"

I threw her up in high in the air. The wind was warm, the flowers were blooming, spring was in the air all around.

"Wheee!" she said as I threw her straight up and caught her again. We were exactly the same size yet I threw her effortlessly as if she weighed nothing.

"Hahahahaha." we laughed.

"This is fun. Isn't it, Sammie?"

"It is."

"Throw me in the air again."

"Here you go."

"Wheeeee!"

I caught her again. She reached down and picked some flowers for me.

"Here."

"For me?"

"Yep."

I reached for them but she thrust them at me, wiggling them in my face, then dropped them and started running. I ran after and tackled her.

"Hahahahahaha." we laughed some more while we were rolling on the ground. We stopped rolling and were lying on our sides facing each other. She wore the most gorgeous smile ever for her.

"Having a good time?"

"I am."

"We can do this forever."

"We can? Cool."

"Follow me." she said as she got up.

"Where are you going?"

"There." She pointed to a place on the horizon. It was bright, brighter than the rest of the horizon. It was blazing white. It almost burned the eyes.

"What is that?"

"It's paradise, Sam. Come on. You'll like it. I promise."

"Forever?"

"Yep."

"Will I be able to see my friends?

"You'll make new friends. Everyone is friendly beyond belief."

"I can come back here later, right?"

"Once we're there? No. But when we cross the threshold it'll be us together forever. And all the good things that you can think of."

"I want to be with my friends. My old friends. Where are they?"

"That way." She pointed in the opposite direction. "But if you go there you won't like it."

"Why not?"

"Suffering. Lots of suffering." She shook her head.

"But I want to be with my friends. With my sister. I want to be with Julie. And Zoe."

"Don't you want to be with me in paradise?"

"Yes."

"Choose."

"I get to choose?"

"That way to paradise," she pointed to the light, "or that way if you want to suffer." she said pointing to the opposite direction. The opposite way wasn't dark, but it certainly wasn't as bright as the other way.

"I don't want to leave my friends."

"No more time left, Sammie. Choose."

"I want to go that way." I didn't point to the light. "I'm sorry."

She smiled. "It's alright, my dear. The choice is yours alone, not mine. I did what I needed to do."

"Will I see you again?"

"Do not worry yourself over that."

"No?"

"Everything will turn out okay for you. And for me, will you do something?"

"Sure."

"Take care of Zoe. I feel so bad about leaving my little daisy. Tell her spring time as come and it is time for my little daisy to bloom." she said cradling my face in her hands. "I was so selfish, unlike you, Sammie. As much as I'd like you to be with me, I can't be selfish anymore. Too many depend on you. And lastly, dear Sammie, take care of yourself."

She kissed me then she left and disappeared into the light.



----- Recovery room

Beep ... Beep ... Beep

((( cough, cough )))

"Easy there."

"Ugh." I choked out.

"How are you feeling?"

"I think I'm going to throw up."

The nurse next to the bed grabbed a plastic pan or something. "Here." she said, holding it under my chin.

((( glaaarggh )))

I laid my head back. Then up again.

((( glaaarggh ... blegh ... cough-cough )))

"Finished?" the nurse asked.

"I think so."

"Let me know if you need this again." she said, putting the tray full of puke away somewhere.

"Where am I?"

"In the recovery room. You just had surgery."

"I've had surgery before. I didn't feel this bad."

"You lost lots of blood but you're lucky. The bullet just missed hitting a major artery."

"Can you tell me how my friend is doing? She came here right before me. Her name is Jill. Jill Morton."

"I wouldn't know, sir."

"Is there no way you can find out?"

"I need to be here by your side until you transfer out to the ICU. If she's here I'm sure they're taking good care of her. You'll find out soon enough."

"How long am I going to be here?"

"Until the doctor gives the okay. Maybe a half hour."

"Can I see someone?"

"Not until you get moved to the ICU. Don't worry, it'll be soon and I hear there's lots of people to see you."

"What time is it?"

"It's ten in the morning."

"What day?"

"Friday."

"I was brought here Thursday night. That's a long time to be in surgery."

"You've been unconscious for a good spell. But you're doing ok now."

"I wish I felt better."

"You'll be fine. As soon as you're not feeling nauseous and the doctor says it's okay we'll get you to the ICU."

I laid back and tried to relax.

"Do you feel any pain?"

"My leg hurts. I'm still nauseous but I'm thirsty."

"The nausea should pass soon. I can give you something for the pain in the IV but no drinks."

"Fine. I'll take whatever you've got."

"You'll feel great but it might make you drowsy."

"I'm ok with that."



----- ICU

Drowsy was an understatement. I didn't wake until that afternoon, Friday, nearly a day after the incident. I was in the ICU now. I opened my eyes slowly and saw Erin. She sucked in a breath.

"Sam!"

"Hey."

"I'm so glad to see you. I love you."

"I love you too, Erin."

"Hi, sport." I heard.

"Dad. You're here."

"Where else would I be?"

"I'm glad you came. Tell me something: how's Jill doing?"

Erin's lower lip started quivering. Tears rolled out of her eyes and down her cheeks and she ran out of the room. I looked at Dad. He lowered his eyes.

"She didn't make it, Sam. They said she lost too much blood."

"No! No-ho-ho." I cried. "It can't be. You're lying. I talked to her. She's alright. Please tell me she's alright."

Dad cried too. "I'm sorry, son."

I balled my eyes out for a long time. Erin eventually came back. We hugged as I lay on the bed and we cried together.

I don't know how long we were like that but we stopped when a male nurse finally came into the room.

"How ya doing there, dude?"

"Not good."

"What's wrong?"

"I lost a good friend."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Let me check you out and we'll get you better."

"I don't want to get better."

"Dude! Don't talk like that. It won't do you any good."

"I don't care."

"I bet your friend would want you to get better."

"Fine. What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing. Just try to keep your sprits up, I'll do all the work." He did all the usual things. BP. Temperature. Listened to my chest. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Someone poked their head in the door and asked the nurse if I was ready.

"Almost." he said. "You have a room?"

Whoever was at the door gave him a room number.

"What's that all about?" I asked.

"They have a regular room for you. We'll move you there in a sec. Then you can have guests, not just family."

"I don't want to see anyone."

"What did I tell you about keeping up your spirits, dude."

"You'd understand if you were on this end."

"Dude! Just try to relax."

"Are you going to role a joint for me so I can relax ... dude?"

"No." He shook his head and rolled his eyes. Then he wrote something down on his clipboard and left.

"Sam. You shouldn't be so rude." Erin chastised.

"Why should I give a fuck? I feel like shit."

"Get better, Sam. Please."

"I'll get better for you, Erin."

By that evening I was in a regular hospital room. It was a two bedder, but nobody was in the other bed. At least not yet so I had the room to myself, and to my guests. They started rolling in almost as soon as they transferred me over to the bed in the room.

Zoe and Sharon were the first. They were only letting two at a time in, so I was told.

As soon as she entered the room Zoe ran and jumped on the bed with me. She hugged me and cried. Never said a word though. I just held her. I couldn't do much else.

"Hi, Sharon."

"Hi, Sam."

"Dad told me about Jill."

"I know." she said before she too started crying. So many tears would be shed today.

After not too long she got up to leave. Zoe didn't want to go with her and asked to stay a little longer.

"I'll send someone else up." Sharon said.

"Wait."

"What is it, Sam?"

"Is Julie here?"

"I don't know. They were here earlier."

"If you see her ..."

"I'll tell her you're seeing people."

"Thanks, Sharon."

Tee came up next. She took Zoe back with her when she left then Cindy and Gail came to see me. Then it was Ava, Tee's friend, and Sue.

"Look who's here. How you doin' girl?"

"Better than you. Is there anything I can do?"

"Eh. I had a run in with the creep, Sue."

"I heard."

"Find him and piss on him for me, will you?"

"Uh, sure. I'll try my best."

"I hate that little fucker."

"We all do."

"Did you see Gail?"

"I saw her. There's a bunch of people here waiting to see you downstairs. Jennifer is here too."

"Yep. We seriously need to catch up, Sue."

"You get better first."

"I will."

"I missed you."

"Ah Sue, I missed you too. Let's promise to keep in touch."

"I promise."

This whole time Erin was in the room with me. The two person rule didn't apply to family. I was grateful for that rule.

Later that night a cop showed up.

"How are you doing, Mr. Cook?" he asked.

"I've had better days."

"I'm sure you have. Do you feel good enough to talk?"

"About Jill's murder? Abso-fuckin-lutely!"

I told the cop all I could. He asked a lot of questions but I couldn't give him all the answers. I had no idea where Billy had been or any of that information that the police wanted. I only knew what he did at the clinic. I didn't even know how he got in without anyone seeing him.

As we were wrapping up I asked about Xavier.

"Xave? Yeah. I know him."

"I figured he be working on this."

"He is. He's working another angle, trying to find out the guys moves and stuff. I suspect he'll have some questions for you too."

"Great. More grilling."

"This wasn't so bad, was it?"

"I wish I had the answers you asked for."

"Not to worry."

"So, are you going to put the miscreant away for good this time?"

"Abso-fuckin-lutely!"

"Great. Maybe can all sleep better at night."

I saw more people that night. Even Matt from Tee's group. I had been laying in bed all day but by night time I was tired and sleepy. There was one notable absence: Julie. Erin stayed with me the whole time.

"Aren't you going home, Erin?"

"I'm staying right here."

"You don't have to. I'll be fine."

"I'm not letting you out of my sight."

"You're so sweet. At least do yourself a favor; get something to eat."

"It's ok, there's a snack machine downstairs."

"I was thinking something more substantial, like at least, fast food."

"I forgot to tell you: I have your car."

"Then use it. Go out and get a proper meal."

"Okay, but don't go anywhere until I get back."

"Erin! Do you seriously think I'm going anywhere?"

"I don't want anything to happen to you while I'm gone."

"Nothing will happen. They're taking good care of me. Now go."

It was when she left to get food that I had one last visitor. At first she caught my attention only from the corner of my eye. I knew exactly who it was before I turned to look. She had to duck through the door.

"Julie!"

She came closer and got down on her knees next to the bed

"Sam, I only have a few minutes."

"I wish you could stay longer."

"Mom is waiting for me."

"How is she handling this?"

"Not too good."

"And you?"

"I don't know if I do can this, Sam. I'm about to go crazy."

"I'm so sorry, Julie. Can I do anything for you?"

"For me? No! Damnit, Sam. Look at the mess you're in."

"I'm sorry."

"Just shut up and listen."

"I'm listening."

"All of this is my fault."

"No, no, it's not. It's that creeps fault, Billy."

"If I hadn't done this to you then Jill would still be alive. You two never would have met Billy."

"You don't know that for sure. Stop blaming yourself."

"I can't."

"I forgive you."

"It won't change anything."

"Maybe not. But it might change the future."

"I don't deserve your forgiveness."

"But that's what's its all about, isn't it? I can forgive you whether you deserve it or not. It's my choice."

More tears.

"I have to be getting back to Mom." she said.

"Wait. Can I see you again?"

"That's not a good thing. Especially for you."

"I know you think it's your fault but what about me?"

"What about you?"

"What if I could have stopped it?"

"How?"

"I could have acted earlier and got the gun from him. He wanted to shoot me, not Jill."

"That's not what I heard. He wanted to hurt Jill too."

"Nevertheless, I could have stopped it."

"Then you would have taken more shots. You nearly died, Sam."

"I'm fine. The bullet missed anything major."

"Not Jill."

"Julie, I feel like crap too. Not because of the bullet, but because we lost Jill."

Julie was barely holding onto it. She was probably crying buckets full of tears earlier. I knew there would buckets more, not just from her.

"Mom needs me, Sam."

"Go, but promise you'll come see me."

"It may be a while because I need to take care of Mom."

"Afterward then. Come back to the house some time. I still have some of your stuff."

"I don't know."

"Please."

"We'll talk about this later. I have to go."

Seeing her gave me hope. When she left I was too tired and fell asleep.



----- Saturday at the hostpital

It was the same with Erin again on Saturday.

"Don't you have to work today?"

"I got someone to cover my shift." she said. Poor girl. I was relaxing in bed the whole time and I didn't want her to suffer, but she insisted.

It was also Saturday that they made me get out of bed.

"Let's see how good you can walk." the tech said.

"Already?"

"You're young and in decent health before you got here. Your vitals are good and doctor ordered it. So, the sooner you can get up the sooner you'll start healing and the sooner you can leave."

"Leaving soon? Cool!"

"You lost some blood for sure but as far as surgeries go your's went well and we've been hydrating you to replace what you lost. It's not like open heart."

"Thankfully. Ok, here goes." I swung my feet over the bed and stood straight up. I had people holding me on each arm in case I fell. I didn't think I needed help. But ...

"Oh man. I feel faint." I said right before passing out. I woke a few seconds later on the bed.

"Doing better now?"

"I feel hot."

"Hang on." the tech said. He wet a paper towel and put it on my head.

"Thanks."

"You can put it on your neck if you want to cool off faster. It might feel a little better there."

"Nah, this is good."

"Want some candy?"

"Is it Easter?"

"It might make you feel better, here." he said handing me a starlight peppermint. "The sugar will help."

I sucked on it until it was almost gone. It tasted good, made me feel better and I had minty fresh breath.

"Want to try again? This time don't get up so fast."

"Sure."

I tried slower the next time and made it standing. I felt ok and they stopped holding me but kept their arms near just in case I needed steadying.

"Ow ow ow. Holy shit that hurts."

They put me back on the bed.

"I have to do this, don't I?"

"Not now, especially if it hurts that much."

"No, I'm going to do this."

So I tried one more time. It hurt but I walked out of the room this time with the IV trailing behind on rollers and made it halfway down the hall before turning back. I thought Erin was going to have a heart attack this whole time.

"So when can I leave?"

"When you can make it all the way down the hall and back."

"Give me half hour to recover."

"No, not today."

"Tomorrow?"

"It depends on what the doctor says."

"Who's my doctor and when can I see him?"

"I don't know. Let me look it up." the tech said tapping on his tablet. "It's uh, Doctor Zhivago."

"No shit?"

"Seriously. Oh wait, there's something else. It says you also have to see a Doctor Sarson."

"Sarson. As in Leslie Sarson?"

"You know her?"

"I know her."

"You're supposed to get her signoff too."

"When can I see her?"

"I don't know. She doesn't make rounds."

"Damn. I hope she comes by soon."

"Want to get some more exercise tonight?"

"Sure."

"Great. My shift will be over by then. You can give Nancy a hard time instead."

"You're a real trooper."

"I know." He winked. "See you tomorrow."

"I hope to be outta here by then."

"Good luck. And I mean that."

"Thanks."

Dr. Zhivago did come by. I could have had fun with his name but I wanted out so I stayed serious. He did the usual doctor thing then took the bandages off of my leg to look at it.

"Did the surgeon come by to look at this?"

"No. Why? Is it bad?"

"No. I just want him to look at it before you go. Have you been up walking?"

"Yeah. I got halfway down the hall."

"Oh yes, here's the annotation. Good job, sir."

"When can I get out of here?"

"Not promising anything, but maybe tomorrow."

"That would be great. Everyone was making such a big deal out of it."

"No major arteries were damaged but there was still some tissue damage. We took the bullet out so what was hit will heal, eventually. While the blood vessels that were damaged weren't major, there was still a lot of blood loss. The surgeon did have to tie off or repair some of the vessels. That's why the surgery took longer."

"What about Jill?"

"Jill. Yes, she was in the same time as you, wasn't she?"

"Yes. She was part of the same shooting."

"Senseless, that what all shootings are. Unfortunately, in her case a major blood vessel was hit. She bled internally."

"There was nothing you could do?"

"Nobody could have done anything. She would have needed surgical intervention within seconds for any hope."

"Did the bullet hit her chest?"

"I believe all the bullets she took were in the abdomen. Her descending aorta took a direct hit. Unfortunately, that one carries more than half the bodies blood. There was plenty of damage to her liver too. I'm sorry."

"Thanks for telling me."

"Now, how are you feeling?"

"Never better."

He raised his eyebrow.

"Okay. The leg is still sore but I'm not nauseous today."

"Did you eat?"

"Yes. Yummy hospital food. Give my compliments to the chef."

"Are you being sarcastic again?"

"Yes sir. I really did eat though. I toughed it out and ate everything except the collard greens at lunch."

"Why not the collard greens?"

"I hate collard greens."

"I see. Well, eat your dinner, including the vegetables, and rest up tonight. We'll see how things go tomorrow."

"If I can make it down and back in the hallway tomorrow, can I go?"

"We need to see what the surgeon says."

"And why must Dr. Sarson see me?"

"Hmm. I don't know." He scrolled through the app on his tablet screen for a while. "It looks like she requested to see you."

"I know her."

"I'm sure her visit is for the best then."

I didn't have long to wait for Dr. Sarson thankfully. She showed up in the late afternoon.

"Hi, Doc."

"Call me Leslie."

"Leslie. They told me that you needed to sign off before I can leave the hospital."

"In a hurry to get out?"

"Yes. There's a lot of sick people here."

"Just a formality. I had to do that to make sure I saw you."

"You didn't need to come see me."

"I wanted to."

"Jill ..." I swallowed hard. "Jill is gone."

"I know, Sam. I was there."

"I loved her."

"We all did."

"She was an amazing person. I don't know if I can tell you all about her and her sister and me and Zoe."

"It's ok. I know."

"You do?"

"I know a little of your special situation. How do you feel?"

"I feel awful. Especially for Jill. I only wish there was something I could have done. I could have stopped it maybe, even if it meant sacrificing myself, Dr. Sarson. Nobody would have gotten hurt except for me and that little bastard. I had him, I knew it. Why did she have to come out of the room?"

"She had to come out some time."

"It was the worst possible time. She came out and reached over Billy. That's when he started firing. I told everything to the police."

"Yes, we have it on video you know. I'd like to see it but the police have it in their custody right now. You were very brave, Sam."

"I feel stupid, not brave. I thought I had it under control. Why did she have to come out?"

"She wanted to help." Leslie shrugged.

"Why didn't I act earlier?"

"You couldn't have."

"I could have. I should have. The little prick."

"Don't beat yourself up over it."

"I fucked everything up, didn't I?"

"No, you didn't."

"And Julie. Can you even imagine how she feels? Do you know her?"

"I know of her."

"I have no idea what to do for her to make it better."

"We can talk about it when you're better."

"Talk. Right. That'll change things."

"You don't have to be so negative."

"Sorry. I feel bad. And then there's Zoe. Leslie, I'm worried about her."

"Why?"

"She's been here twice and she hardly said a word. It's not like her. Have you talked to her lately?"

"No, I haven't, but I mean to."

"I don't know what to do about her either."

"We'll figure this out."

"I just want to get my hands on that asshole Billy and tear him limb to limb. Does that make me bad? Will that make you keep me here in the hospital?"

"No. It's normal to feel that way."

"No, it's not normal. It's horrible."

"Are you going to have people care for you when you get home, Sam?"

"Yeah. There's Erin over there and when she goes to work I'm sure Tee can watch after me."

This made Leslie smile.

"Sam, I want to warn you: healing won't be easy."

"My leg will be fine."

"I mean emotionally."

"It can't get much worse than it's already been."

"It's going to be a rocky road. If you need me I'll be here for you."

"Thanks. I appreciate it."

"I know you and I'm sure you'll do the right thing. And I'm so sorry about Jill."

After she left I got up and walked the hall later that evening. My leg felt a bit better, surprisingly. I told Nancy thank you and that she wasn't nearly as bad as the other guy made her out to be. She thanked me for that tidbit of information.

Erin spent the night in the room with me again. I wanted to get out of the hospital as much for her as for me. The poor child. You can't get a good sleep curled up on a chair.

Sunday rolled around and everything went swimmingly. Thank God! It was the bright part of Erin's day too.

I was out of there by the late afternoon. I should have been out right after lunch; that's what the doctor said, even the surgeon. They said I was in a good enough condition and there was no reason to stay. But all that damned paperwork, or computer work, took forever.

Erin drove me home. Over the door was a big sign.

WELCOME HOME SAM!

I just couldn't help it: I broke down and cried. The last week or so was such an emotional roller coaster ride that I couldn't contain myself. I was pretty much toast for the rest of the day but I had guests to attend to. My leg still hurt so I was in a wheelchair. I wanted out of it as soon as possible but I was grateful for its presence today.

Cindy and Zoe were of course there. But so was Jenn and Sue. So was Michele and Joe from the old group. Fred and Sharon greeted me at the door. Tee was there with Ava. Even Matt showed up from their group. Big Zoe and Xavier where there. The only one missing again was Julie.

I know I wanted a party this weekend but this was ridiculous. I was sad for missing Mike's on Friday too. I hope they understood.

All these people for me, yet I felt I didn't deserve their compassion. I wanted to ship them all out to see Julie. The thought of what she would be going through, and going through it alone, was too much for me to bear. I was at an emotional low. Life is so fucking unfair.