----- That Sunday night

It was quiet. Julie had just left in a fit of guilt after telling everyone tonight that it wasn't Jill, but her that came up with the idea of having Samantha sleep with me and give me the virus. It was her way of getting revenge on me for breaking up with her in high school. I told you long ago that it was the single worst decision of my life. I just never knew how bad it would turn out to be and how it would come back to bite me, until now. Yikes.

Karma. What a bitch. And for Julie's karma, she was feeling a lot of guilt -- that was evident to everyone. I wonder what else Karma would do to her. I know: she had gone through changes too; size changes. But I think she got the better side of the deal. You could say I got the short straw. Figuratively and literally.

One question kept nagging at me. It was the one that I wanted to stop thinking about but couldn't: would she come back. Would she ever get over her guilt? I wondered if she was still, somehow after all we had been through the past year, still mad at me about high school. Did she still feel about me the way she did before or was the past year a big charade on her part? Did we grow apart as I grew smaller and she bigger? We were living in two different worlds: hers where everything was too small; mine where everything was too big. Our perception of things were totally different. Were we even the same species?

So much to think about. So much to brood over.

Fred finally broke the silence.

"So, um, maybe we better get going." he said.

"You're welcome to stay if you want. Really."

"Yeah, but ..."

"I understand. I'm sorry you all had to see that."

"Would you like me to stay with you tonight, Sam." Sharon offered. It made me smile.

"I appreciate it, Sharon, but nah. I'll be fine. I think I want to be alone tonight."

All the girls offered to stay with me. I suppose they figured they would fill the gap left by Julie, but the gap in my life wasn't sex or even companionship. Julie and I had shared a lot over the the few years that we had known each other and nobody could replace that.

"What are you going to do, Sam?"

"I don't know yet, Tee. We'll all find out together."

And what could anyone do? Nothing could be done to fix this, short of going back in time. Where's that time machine when you need it?

I wanted her back. Would I take her back? In a heartbeat. Should I take her back? I mean what she did was pretty mean and also the way she kept it from me was dishonest. You can't make a relationship work on dishonesty, can you? Was what I did to her, leaving her, as bad as what she did to me?

I was still determined not to let this ruin my life; whether that meant with or without Julie in it. And right at this moment there were more important things to think about. Billy was still on my mind.

Fred, Sharon and Tee had left so that meant there was Erin, Cindy, Zoe, Gail and I to continue the conversation.

"It's not your fault, Sam." Gail said.

"What?"

"Julie."

"Gail, it's alright. Maybe I am partly to blame."

"Don't say that."

"Fine, I won't say that."

"Do you want me to go too?"

"Leave? No. Absolutely not! I don't want you out there. Not with that ass hole on the loose."

"I know, but if you wanted me to..."

"I don't. I want you right here where we can be here for you in case he finds you."

Nobody spoke for a while until Erin asked "Did you really sleep with eleven girls, Sam?"

"I don't want go there right now, Erin. I mean Chloe."

"You don't have to call me Chloe."

"I'm sorry. It's just that I've known you as Erin all my life. It's hard to remember your new name all the time."

"I only did it for Zoe."

"I'm flattered." Zoe said. "But you really don't have to. It means a lot to me that you even considered it."

"Thanks."

"Julie and I were just talking of the same thing today." I said.

"You were?"

"And about your hair too."

"You don't like my hair?"

"I do. I'm used to your new hair color, but I don't know if I'll ever get used to your new name."

"I haven't changed it officially yet."

"You do whatever you want. Just understand when my mind gets mixed up and I slip up by calling you Erin. Okay?"

"I don't have to change it. Is that alright with you, Zoe?"

"Anything is ok with me, sweetie. You know that."

"You can call me Erin no matter what I change my name to, Sam."

"Ok, Erin. Those eleven girls include the ones from college. Julie was right, you know pretty much all the rest, so yes, I've slept with eleven different girls. Geez, I can't believe I'm talking about this with my sister." I hid my face in my hands.

"It's ok, Sam. I've probably been with more."

I held up my palm up while still keeping the other one on my face. "Nope." I said. "I don't want to hear about it."

"I'm sorry."

"Maybe some other time, Erin."

"Okay. I know."

"So, if you all don't mind, I think I'll turn in for the night."

"Don't you want something to eat?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Wanna dance?"

"NO, ERIN!"

"Just asking. I always feel better when I dance."

"Ask Cindy to dance."

"Erin, I think we better not push it tonight." Cindy said.

"Thank you, Cindy." I told her.

"I wish we could do something for you."

"You don't have to do anything. Just be my friends. I already told you: I'll be fine."

"Please don't hesitate to ask if there's anything we can do."

"Good night everyone."

I had a hard time getting to sleep with all that was on my mind, but eventually, I did. It wasn't such a great sleep either. I woke up early and felt terrible the next morning.



----- Monday

"I heard you're getting your own project, Sam."

"Big whoop."

"It is a big deal. How about getting me on your team?"

"I suppose it would be a big deal if I had people to put on my team. It's just me, Jenn. Sorry. If this were big enough for more than one person I would ask for you."

"Sorry to hear that. I'm happy for you nevertheless."

"I suppose it is a step up, even if a small one."

"They trust you."

"And I'm happy about that."

"You don't look happy."

"Well, it's kind of hard to concentrate on work stuff with Gail's situation on my mind."

"What situation?"

"I thought you two talked?"

"We haven't spoken since last week. Did something happen?"

"Oh yeah, something happened."

"Aren't you going to tell me?"

"It's Billy."

"Billy?"

"You remember: from our group. We called him George but that was just a pseudonym."

"I remember. What did he do? I thought he was in jail."

I told her about the whole thing with Billy and Gail. She was worried too.

"And in the meantime, Gail is staying over at my house."

"Take good care of her."

"I intend to. I only wish Julie were still around. She could protect Gail much better than I could."

"What happened to Julie?"

"She left."

"What did you do to her?"

"I shrunk."

"Huh?"

"Remember I told you it was Jill who talked Samantha into giving me the virus when I was in Arizona?"

"Yeah."

"It wasn't her. It was Julie. Jill was keeping that fact secret for her."

"Oh my."

"Julie finally told me last night. I think she was feeling guilty. Then she left."

"Oh wow, that's messed up."

"I want her back, Jenn."

"Was she mad?"

"No. Upset."

"Is she coming back?"

"I wish I knew. I really don't feel like talking about it."

"Alright. But tell Gail to call me."

"I will. I hope you know that you're always invited over. I'm a little busy tonight but why don't you come see Gail and the rest of us tomorrow after work. What do you say?"

"To sleep over?"

"If you want to."

"It'll be fun. Maybe you and I could ..."

"Jenn! Julie's barely gone."

"You can't fault a gal for trying."

"Just remember, you'll be there to see all of us, including Gail and Cindy."

"It'll be good to see those two again. Alright, I'll seriously consider it."

The ten hour day went by slow for me. It felt more like twenty. I couldn't wait to get to the clinic. The time came to leave and it couldn't have come early enough.


----- Monday night at the clinic

"Zoe! I'm glad I caught you first thing. Can we talk?"

"Yes please, but hold onto that thought. We need to find some place private."

She and I ducked into one of the empty offices at the clinic.

"Did Xavier find anything out about Billy?"

"He escaped from prison, Sam. They think he stowed away in the trash and was picked up by the trash truck."

"Ew. He was really desperate."

"He was in prison. Of course he was desperate."

"Haven't they found him yet?"

"No. You and Gail take care of yourselves. He's dangerous."

"I'm more worried about Gail."

"Sam, every one of you could be in danger. Try to stay inside as much as possible. Do you know where Gail is?"

"She's staying with me. Didn't I tell you?"

"No. Xave's been trying to reach her."

"Doesn't he have her phone number?"

"He tried calling."

"Maybe she's not answering because of Billy's call. I'll tell her to answer."

"I don't blame her. But he'd rather to talk to her face to face anyway."

"He can come over. You both know where I live."

"Ok, good. I'll tell him that. Don't tell anyone where Gail is. And just in case that you might be a target yourself, stay inside, at least as much as is practical."

"I can take care of myself."

"That may be true, but you shouldn't chance it. How's Cindy?"

"Fine."

"Good. You all can look after each other. But I'm sure they'll catch him soon."

"I hope so."

"Ok. I have to get back to work. I'm sure Xave will contact Gail; let her know. And all of you take care, Sam."

"I will. You too."

That was one of the conversations I was looking forward to. And so was the next one. I went up and down the halls until I ran into a pair of legs as tall as me. I was staring directly into a crotch and you know who it was.

"JILL!"

"Hi, Sam." she said looking almost straight down at me.

"I'm so glad you're here tonight."

"Where else would I be?"

"You're just a volunteer. Maybe you'd be home with Julie."

"No, I'm here. I do get paid. Remember that."

"How are you?"

She knelt down on one knee to look me in the eye. "I'm ok. You?"

"Good."

"I'm a little surprised at that."

"I'm as good as can be given the circumstances. You know about it, right?"

"I do."

"I owe you an apology, Jill."

"You don't owe me anything."

"But I mistakenly thought you were the one responsible for convincing Samantha to sleep with me."

"I was."

"That's not what Julie said."

"It was both our faults."

"She said you were keeping it secret from me."

"She asked me to. What could I do? She's my sister."

"I know. And I hope you two can have a better relationship now that it's out in the open."

Jill shrugged. "It is a big weight off of my shoulders. Believe me, Sam. I wanted to tell you."

"I figured as much."

"I could have stopped it if I wanted to."

"What? The whole Samantha thing?"

"Yes, that thing."

"So, who's idea was it really?"

"I can't really remember that far back. Julie's mostly, I think. I told her about grinder and the virus and how she was in Arizona. Julie asked if she was at Drumford; she wasn't. But blackmouse -- grinder's friend -- said she went to school there. That would be Zoe, right? Anyway, then Julie had the idea of her spending the night with you to give you the virus and..."

"It was her then. You went along with it though."

"I'm sorry, Sam. I thought it would be funny."

"Still think it's funny?"

"No! No, not at all. If I had known how much it would hurt you I'd have never agreed to it."

"You didn't think it would hurt me?"

"I figured it was all a joke."

"And you kept Julie's secret about it when you found out it wasn't a joke."

"I was scared, I never knew it could turn out to be real, and then Samantha died. I didn't know her name but when I heard she was the one that gave you the virus then I knew she was grinder."

"Did anybody else in the group know about Julie?"

"Do you mean our Sword of Lakatos group? I don't think anyone knew. They thought it was just me."

"It doesn't really matter. How's Julie doing?"

"She's a mess."

"Tell her ... I don't know. Tell her I miss her and I don't want her to go."

"I doubt it will do any good right now."

"Let's give it a few days. Can you and I be friends again?"

"You still want to be friends?"

"Yes."

"I-I don't know, Sam. I feel so bad about this."

"You're a good person. I want us to be like we were before."

She didn't say anything, just knelt there, head down, looking sad.

"Hey, I have a favor to ask." I said.

"Sure. What?"

"Gail is at my place."

"Okay."

"Didn't Julie tell you?"

"No."

"Hmm. Well, I guess she has other things on her mind." I said. I told her about Billy.

"Why would he want to hurt her?"

"I'm guessing he feels that she's responsible for him going to jail in the first place."

"You're more responsible."

"And so are you. Can I ask you to come over and help with keeping Gail safe? I was counting on Julie to help but she left."

"Oh gee, Sam. I don't know. Julie's not in the best shape to leave alone right now. I wouldn't feel right leaving her."

"Okay, but think about it. And if Julie wants to come back tell her I'm waiting."

"You really love Julie, don't you?"

"Yes, Jill. I do. Tell her for me."

"I'll tell her, if she'll listen."

"Maybe it'll be better in a couple days."

"Maybe."

"I know Gail would love to see you."

"I'll think about it."

"Good. Keep in touch and don't try to avoid me."

"We keep in touch."

"Only when I come here."

"Well, I better get back to work."

"We can talk later."

"Yeah, later."

I spent some time socializing with some of Tee's group. Tee had asked how I was doing and I told her I was fine. She didn't believe it. We didn't talk too much other than that. Her friend, Ava and I talked though. She heard about Julie and wanted to know if there was anything she could do. What in the world could anyone do about it? It was baffling but I assured myself that I'd probably say the same thing in their position. I couldn't be sure but I thought Ava looked bigger than she was before. Was it my imagination? Maybe Tee told her about the inversion table and she was using it herself. It was finally time for Zoe and I to go home.



----- Monday night

I told Gail about what I had learned from Zoe. She must have been holding out hope that Billy was still in jail. She had been in fairly good spirits the day before but now, when it was clear that he escaped, I noticed a change in her demeanor. She seemed as scared as she was when she came over Saturday.

"Gail, Xavier needs to talk to you about Billy."

"What about?"

"Police stuff. I'm guessing he just wants to know what Billy said to you."

"Sure. Do I need to go see him."

"He'll contact you. Remember to answer if he calls."

"I don't want to answer the phone unless I know who is calling."

"You know what number Billy used?"

"It's still on my called list."

"Just don't answer that one."

"Fine."

"What about Jennifer?"

"I need to tell her."

"No need. I told her about Billy. I hope that's okay."

"Yeah, sure."

"I invited her over tomorrow."

"Here?"

"Yep. It'll be fun. With all of us, that's half the gang."

"What about Sue and Michele?"

"A party! Cool."

"We'd have to invite Marie and Joe too."

"Yeah, but let's wait until this Billy thing blows over. We might even be in the new house by then."

"We?"

"Of course, we. Chloe and Zoe will definitely be there and I'm hoping that the whole deal with Julie will have blown over by then."

"Sam." Erin said. "I told you that you didn't have to call me Chloe."

"Okay, Erin."

"So you think we'll be in the new house soon?"

"I got an offer."

"You did!" they all exclaimed.

"It's a good one and I wanted to take them up on it, but the real estate lady wants me to wait. She thinks we may get a better one. Then we can play the two off of each other and get even more money."

"How long?"

"I don't know. Depends on if and when the other offer comes in. She said she'd be calling them today. Maybe we'll know more tomorrow."

"Oh, I'm so excited!" Erin exclaimed.

"Me too, Erin. And Gail, you're more than welcome to stay with us for as long as it takes. Even if we move to a new house."

"The one with the swimming pool?"

"Yep. It's indoors too. We can swim year round."

"Skinny-dip year round." Cindy said. We all laughed at her.

"It's too bad you won't be here, Cindy."

"Unless you move soon."

"Maybe. In the meantime we're here and we stay away from the windows everyone."

"Why?"

"Because of Billy. Duh. This goes for you too, Cindy. Zoe at the clinic thinks any of us could be a target. So, we stay inside."

"Especially you, Sam."

"Why especially me?"

"You're the one that beat him up."

"But you're the one he's obsessed with, Cindy."

"I'm the most vulnerable. That's why he called me."

"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I'm worried about the rest of you."

"Why are you always beating people up?" Zoe asked.

"I was protecting Gail."

"He was, Zoe." Gail backed me up.

"And now because of all this senseless violence he wants to hurt Sam."

"We don't know that, Zoe." I said. "It's more likely he's going after Gail."

"No. You have more to worry about then she does."

"Oh? Is that your professional opinion?"

"It's Zoe's opinion."

"Right. Just your opinion. You weren't even there."

"What I mean is that it's BIG Zoe's opinion."

"Oh?"

"She told me about the incident, Sam."

I couldn't argue against that. I would have liked to have said it was no big deal, but I knew it was. Especially in Billy's mind. Shit.

"I'll be careful. I promise."

"He's been to prison."

"So?"

"People get hardened in prison."

"He was bad before. Look, I invited Jill over too."

"Is she coming?"

"Probably not. But if she does she'll be able to help. She's already dealt with Billy."

"He's scared of Jill. It's pretty funny how she scares him." Gail told everyone.

"I wish she were here. Sorry, Zoe. You two should get to be friends."

"We were at one time." Zoe said.

"You heard Julie. It wasn't all Jill's fault."

"I try to stay away from her at the clinic, Sam. She avoids me too. I don't know if I can be her friend."

"I can't make you be her friend, but try to at least be nice to her if she comes over."

"I will. It's your house."

"Don't be like that. You're a part of this house now. It's your home too. At least for a little while longer."

"If she comes over I'll be civil. I promise."

"Thanks."

I had a hard time getting to sleep that night too. I was awake when everyone else turned in. I heard Gail and Zoe talking lovey-dovey to each other. I wasn't sure if they were having sex or just a discussion, then all became silent. I was awake for couple more hours even after that.

And I was still awake when Zoe came into the bedroom somewhere in the middle of the night or early morning.

"Sam? Are you awake?" she whispered.

"I'm awake, Zoe. What do you want?"

"I just wanted to talk."

I sat up in bed and turned the nightstand light on. "So, talk."

"What would you like to talk about?"

"You're the one that wanted to talk. What do YOU want to talk about?"

"Whatever you do."

"Sheesh. It's a good thing I wasn't sleeping, Zoe."

"It might make you feel better to talk."

"Sleeping will make me feel better. But I can't seem to get to sleep."

"I want you to talk."

"Then you talk. I'm listening."

"You first."

"You're horrible. Okay, you and Gail seem to be getting along pretty good. Do you like her?"

"Yes, I like her."

"A lot?"

Zoe shrugged.

"Julie and I talked about you yesterday."

"What about?"

"She asked if you were going to stay."

"Does she want me to go?"

"No. I think she'd rather you stay with us. I guess with just me now."

"Would you like me to stay?"

"Look, Zoe, I'd like you to stay, but I realize that you need your own life. I told Julie that I always intended for you to get back on your feet and find your own way again. If you leave that's totally fine."

"But do you want me to?"

"I want you to get your life back together, whatever that means, whether you stay or go. It means most to me that you have a life better than when I found you."

"You've already given me that."

"I know you're here because you had no other choice. That's gotta be tough, not having a choice. I'm giving you a choice now and you can take it. You don't have to stay here for me and I don't want you to think that you owe me."

"But I owe you my life."

"No, you don't. I just helped you out of a bad situation."

"An untenable one."

"I want you to know that I didn't bring you with me here in my home to take advantage of you."

"You didn't take advantage of me. I knew you weren't capable of that beforehand, otherwise I wouldn't have come with you. But let's get back to now. You're being very stoic about everything, Sam, and with Billy out there you're scaring me."

"I don't know how else to handle it."

"How do you feel?"

"How do you think I feel? I feel like shit. A big, steaming pile of shit."

"Ok. We're getting somewhere."

"It doesn't take a psychiatrist to figure that out."

"But you admitted it. That's progress."

"Well, duh! Why would I deny it?"

"I'm still worried about you."

"Because of how I feel about Julie?"

"Yeah."

"I'm not going to do anything stupid."

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I wish people would stop asking me that."

"What do you WANT to do?"

"I want to cry."

"I won't tell anyone."

"I can't bring myself to do that."

"Yes, you can. I can see the tears in your eyes right now."

"Fine. Hold me."

She crawled up on the bed and we held each other.

"Do you think I'm a creep, Zoe?"

"No. Why?"

"I told Julie I didn't want to creep out Gail and that's why I wouldn't sleep with her."

"That's very praiseworthy."

"Whatever. I figured you'd be the expert on creeps."

"Why?"

"Because you're a lesbian. I'm sure more guys have hit on you because of that fact alone."

"Hmm. All girls get hit on, not just lesbians."

"The pretty ones."

"Do you think I'm pretty?"

"Of course I do. Why do girls keep asking that. Isn't it obvious?"

"We like hearing it."

"You're very pretty, Zoe."

"Thank you, but I'm not letting you off that easy this time. What makes me pretty?"

"You're eyes."

"Ooo, good answer. You said that without blinking. You must have had that rehearsed."

"No, I didn't. Your eyes took me by surprise even before you slammed the door on me."

"Oh yeah, about that."

"You don't have to apologize. I can't even imagine how you felt."

"You don't know why I did that."

"You just had a traumatic experience. I understand. And I was kind of the stimulus for what happened, so it's only natural that I'd be the last one you'd want to see."

"Let's talk about my eyes for a moment. I slammed the door in your face and all you remember were my eyes?"

"I remember everything, but mostly your eyes."

"Why?"

"It's like they're very deep. They're the window into a person's soul you know."

"I get my eyes from my father."

"Are you like him?"

"I don't know. I only remember my mother."

"Good memories?"

"Some good. Some bad."

"I'm sorry you've had a rough life."

"Let's talk about your life."

"I'd rather hear about yours."

"I came here for you. Not the other way around."

"You know more about me than I do about you. Let's keep talking about you. You're still a mystery to me."

"I don't know why. Do you really want to hear more from me? I warn you: I can vent with the best of them."

"Hit me with your best shot."

"What do you want to know?"

"How about you and Samantha?"

"Un huh, that's pretty rough."

"You and Samantha were close."

"Of course we were. Her parents bought her a nice little car that we used to tool around in. We would go everywhere in it. That lasted for a while and life was fun. It was great, but then we had to start staying in."

"When you started shrinking?"

"Not right away, but after we had gotten smaller, yes. It was a really a bad time in my life when we realized what was happening. You know, it wasn't all that long ago. I can remember my clothes not fitting. I started shrinking before Sam did. Isn't that fucked up?"

"I'd say so, yeah."

"I had to look up at her and Sam laughed at me right up until her own clothes didn't fit. We were really scared but we had each other."

"I was so scared at first too when I started shrinking but I had nobody to share it with. Nobody to talk to about it really. I couldn't talk to Julie deeply about it because how could she understand? She wasn't the one shrinking. Of course, I didn't know that it was her idea and that she knew all about it long before I did."

"It wasn't Julie's idea."

"It wasn't?"

"It was Samantha and I. Samantha told me that she had this virus and that she wanted to give it to someone. She was so upset. I suggested a guy. The only question was who. And after we told the group, our closest friends back then, darknose or Jill, or rather Julie I suppose, suggested it be you."

"Did you all know about it for sure?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean the shrinking. Did you all believe that it would really work?"

"Ah, I know what you mean. This shit is crazy isn't it? I didn't believe it for sure until I started shrinking myself. I thought it was some big pretense of Sam's. Even though she told me about it and I agreed to shrink with her, the back of my mind kept telling me it couldn't be real."

"I have no idea if Julie thought it through. I'm having a hard time trying to understand her actions."

"A woman jilted, Sam. It's not hard to understand. She was angry. She was sad and lonely."

"I'm sure."

"Probably regretful too."

"For doing what she did to me with Samantha?"

"No. I mean that she was probably asking herself back then what she did to make you leave her."

"Ah, before the Samantha thing. But it wasn't her fault. She shouldn't have regrets about that."

"Do you think that that you're to blame?"

"Me?"

"For causing her broken heart and making her do what she did."

"Maybe."

"Why did you want to break up with her in high school, Sam?"

"I just knew it couldn't work out while I was on the other side of the country. I've been over this with her a hundred times. Doesn't it make sense to you?"

"Would it make sense to you if you were infatuated with someone?"

"Yes."

"It's never happened to you, has it?"

"What? Someone leaving me?"

"Yeah."

"Sure it has. Samantha. Remember?"

"Were you that smitten by her?"

"Yes."

"You two only saw each other for a short while. How long did you go out with Julie in high school?"

"Um, a year. A year and half maybe."

"That's a lot longer than a few weeks. How do you think she felt?"

"But we were in high school. It was just a school girl crush, that's all."

"It was obviously more than that for her. Was she your first relationship with a girl?"

"Yes."

"And what about her?"

"I don't know. I think maybe yes, I was her first real relationship."

"Her first love."

"We never really made love."

"You were in high school. Nobody does."

"All my friends did."

"Guy friends?"

"Yeah."

"Figures. They were just saying they did."

"Oh."

"But you're honest."

"I try to be."

"I like that about you."

"Thanks."

"You're still pretty lucky, Sam."

"In what way?"

"You did get to meet people that you could share the shrinking with."

"Oh yeah. You mean at that the clinic."

"Yes. They don't have that program in Arizona."

"You're a part of it now. Does it help?"

"Immensely. How do you think Julie feels about her friends in the Sunflower club?"

"Probably the same way."

"How do you feel about Cindy?"

"I love her. I mean as a friend. You know what I mean, right?"

"Yeah, I do. And Gail?"

"Same way."

"Everybody in your group?"

"Yep. Well, except for Billy."

"Understandable. What about me?"

"I love you like a sister. We've been over this."

"Has anything changed lately?"

"Now is not a good time to ask that. You know, with what's happened about Julie and all that."

She stared at me for while, then smiled. "You don't have to answer. What about Tee?"

"Like a sister. You know, when she first started shrinking I knew how she felt with nobody to talk to like the way I told you about. I understood how scared she was. That's why I made sure she got into the same program."

"But she had you first."

"Uh, ok. You're point is?"

"You took the time to talk to her. That was before the program."

"A lot of good it did. It didn't seem like she wanted to listen to me. Not then."

"Do you know how much you changed her life for the better?"

"I only hope I don't let her down."

"Now, you see? You could have just basked in glory there, but you turned it right around and humbled yourself again."

"Yeah, I do that."

"We know."

"Let's get back to you again. So, how did things with you and Sam go after, well, right after me?"

"Complicated. You know she got pregnant?"

"Yes. I wished I'd known back then."

"What would you have done?"

"I think I would have wanted the child." I paused. "Or not. I don't know. Seriously, I don't know what I'd have done back then. I never thought about that sort of thing."

"And now?"

"If it happened now? I'd probably want to keep the child."

Zoe stared at me for a while without saying anything.

"What?" I asked.

She shook her head as if to clear it. "I'm just trying to figure out what the baby would have looked like." she said. "Who's eyes, nose, hair, and stuff it would have had. Would it be more like you or Samantha?"

Now I was silent as I pondered over that too.

"We talked of marriage, Sam."

"I remember you telling me that. Why didn't you ever marry?"

She shrugged. "Maybe we couldn't figure out who should ask who to marry them."

"Hmm. I would guess that Sammie would be the one."

"Why?"

"She seemed the most dominant."

"Really?"

"That's based on what you told me."

"Every time that we'd get close to marriage we'd have a fight."

"A lover's spat?"

"The term 'spat' isn't extreme enough."

"They were bad?"

"Very."

"Sorry."

"Things would be thrown and broken. Once Sam tore ..."

"Tore what?"

Tears started to flow from Zoe's eyes. I didn't know whether to push her to continue or not.

"She tore the only picture I had of my dad."

"Oh."

"I picked up the pieces and taped them back together. I still have that picture. Wanna see?"

"Sure."

"Wait here." she said as she scampered off to her room. A minute later she had the picture in her hands. It was laminated. You could barely tell where the tear lines were and it was obvious she went to great lengths to lovingly care for it.

"So, that's your father?"

"Yes."

"You're right. You really do have his eyes, Zoe."

"Mom gave that picture to me when I was in first grade."

"I'm sorry Samantha did that."

"Do you know how much it takes for me to share that picture now?"

"A lot?"

"I won't share it with just anyone, Sam. You've become my best friend."

"Thanks." I said. There's was another period of silence. I finally spoke. "You know, Zoe, I think it's so cool that you're willing to help others with the rocky parts of their lives by being a therapist when you've had such a hard time with yours."

"You mean that?"

"Of course."

"Thank you. I don't hear that enough except maybe from the people I work with."

"You've chosen the most honorable profession: helping others. I wish I could be more like you."

"Funny you should say that. I wish I could be more like you."

"No, you don't. I'm a sap."

"That's what friends are. I never did tell you why I slammed the door on you."

"It's ok."

"No, it's not. I dreamed about you."

"So? Sometimes dreams come true."

"No, I literally dreamed about you finding me."

"Like in going to sleep at night dreams?"

"Like the dreams you and I have shared."

"The one's we shared. Hoo boy. Yes, I remember. Uh, no offense, Zoe, but those dreams weird me out."

"You're telling me?"

"You too?"

"Yeah."

"Oh good. I thought it was only me that felt that way."

"The weird dreams started after Samantha died. It was kind of a relief when you began showing up in them later. But when you showed up at the door it was exactly like the dream -- a huge case of deja vu. You have no idea how scared I was. I thought I could make it go away by slamming the door."

"I almost did go away. A minute longer and ..."

"I would have run after you."

"Did I really have that much impact on you? I mean you only really knew me those two weeks with Samantha."

"It was more like a couple of months. It took time to plan it all out. I didn't realize it back then that you actually stood no chance with Samantha. We could have spent two minutes on planning. 'Hey, Samantha? Go talk to him.' Period, end of story."

"You can say that again."

"We stalked you for longer than two weeks though. I guess now Julie's to blame for it all. I thought it was Jill, but, you know."

"Yeah. Let me ask you something: what did you see in me? Nobody really cared much for me back then. No girls did anyway."

"You're wrong. All you lacked was confidence."

"Confidence is what get's all the girls."

"It only goes so far."

"My stature didn't bother you?"

"No."

"You're not like other girls."

"True, but not all girls are superficial."

"I wish I knew more of them like you."

"You do."

"One of them just left."

"I'm not so sure about her."

"You shouldn't be dissing Julie. Are you trying to seal the breakup?"

"What if I am?"

"You're trying to convince me that you're better for me, aren't you?"

"Well?"

"Zoe." I said, shaking my head. "Don't do that."

"I won't pry you away from Julie. But, Sam, you have to think of yourself sometimes. I don't want you to end up in a toxic relationship."

"I'm not ready to give up on her yet."

"Just, don't let yourself get hurt."

"Do you think she's going to hurt me?"

"She could. And not just emotionally."

"Don't you think I can take care of myself? What is she going to do? Step on me?"

"Get real, Sam. She's like, almost four times your size."

"So you think I can't defend myself from Julie?"

"I didn't mean to get into an argument with you. I'm sorry."

"No. You're probably right." I resigned. "I don't have any business being with someone so much larger, do I?"

"All you need to know, Sam, is that we're friends -- good friends, maybe better if you want to. I don't want to see my friends get hurt."

"Isn't Julie your friend too?"

She paused before answering.

"I'm much closer to you for obvious reasons. Besides, we both found out that she's responsible for -- partly at least responsible for um -- for you shrinking."

"Partly. I guess Samantha had something to do with it."

"And me."

"And you?"

"But you know I'm on your side in this, Sam."

"Thanks. I guess."

"No need to thank me. We're friends."

"I thought friends never had to say sorry."

"That's love. Love means never having to say you're sorry."

"Oh. I get it mixed up sometimes. I'm a guy. We're not into that romantic stuff, you know."

"Love means never having to say thank you either."

"Now you're just making things up."

"Do you disagree?"

"I guess not. Do you ever curse the virus?"

"All the time. But if it weren't for the virus we wouldn't know each other."

"There are a million ways we could have come together even if it weren't for the virus."

"You believe in fate, don't you?"

"No. That would be like we wouldn't have free will. I don't believe that."

"If we didn't have the virus I'd be bigger than you."

"Would you still like me?"

"Haven't you been listening? Of course I would. Would you like me if I were bigger?"

"I liked Samantha. I still like Julie. What do you think?"

"Just checking."

"You're the only one smaller than me now."

"No, I'm not. There's plenty. There's Tee and Gail."

"I don't think so. Tee is growing and I'm shrinking."

"You're not smaller than her yet. Or Gail."

"I don't know about that."

"Sam, it will be a long time before you get to my size and that's only if you're shrinking. Look on the bright side."

"What bright side?"

"We'll be more compatible."

"We're not compatible?" I said shaking my head.

"You're too big."

"That's a first. I don't think I've ever heard anyone say that about me. And just how am I too big? I'm only a little more than a head taller than you."

"It's a tight fit."

"What's a tight fit?"

"Do I have to spell it out?"

I scratched my head. "Um, yeah. Spell it out."

"You're a tight fit inside of me."

"Inside? Oh. OH!"

"Why do you think we have to take it slow and gentle?"

"I thought that was your thing?"

"It is kind of fun, isn't it? The truth is, I can't do it fast with you. It would be too rough."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Sam, it's been a very long time since I had been with a boy. I have to admit that I was a little scared the first time with you. I knew how big you were."

"You did?"

"On the airplane. Remember?"

"Oh yeah. You didn't have to, Zoe. I'm so sorry if it hurt."

"I told you not to be sorry. I wanted to, Sam. I really wanted to do it. Okay?"

"Okay."

"And you were great."

"All I did was sit there. You did all the work."

"Do you like when I Kegel?"

"Like it? I love it."

"Good. I need more practice. Are you going to help me practice, Sam?"

"You're funny."

"It looks to me like you want it." Zoe said looking at my crotch. I followed her eyes and Mr. Happy was pitching a tent.

"Oh, sorry about that."

"Stop saying you're sorry."

"It's the PDQ."

"Sure, go ahead and blame it on the drugs." she said as she sidled up next to me on the bed. "But you forget: I take PDQ too."

"What if I just want to hold you instead?"

"That's fine. Want to get naked?" she said as she started grabbed her t-shirt from the bottom with crossed arms. As she lifted the bottom of it I realized that she went commando.

"You know what will happen if we get naked?"

"So?" she said, raising her left eyebrow, now completely nude.

"Let's just cuddle. Please."

"Now there's another first."

"Why? It's not been a good couple nights for me. I just feel like it wouldn't be appropriate to have sex right now."

"It's alright, Sam. I'd love to cuddle."

"I like holding you."

"Really?"

"Don't be offended but you're smaller."

"Yeah. So?"

"It feels good."

"Like holding a kid?"

"I think it's more like it makes you special to me. I can't feel this way with anyone else."

She smiled and put her t-shirt back on and I turned off the light.

"Good night."

"Good night, Sam. I hope I'm able to get up in a couple of hours."

"Me too."