The next morning, Tammy woke up to find she’d pissed her pants again in the middle of the night. It wouldn’t have been so embarrassing if she wasn’t right in the middle of the trailer park. There was some tingling in her crotch. She wondered what that was from. She couldn’t remember nearly anything from the night before.

She groaned as she sat up. Horrible hangover as usual. Maybe Greg would bum her a couple cigarettes and some coffee today. No, she remembered. It was Monday. He’d be at work already.

She would’ve tried to figure out what the hell was crawling around in her pants, but when she looked around she saw two men in suits walking by. They looked official.

“There’s a single, full-sized woman here,” the one man said into his watch. His partner snickered at ‘full-sized.’ Tammy was too intrigued by them to frown. “No signs of an S-Pulse. We might have miscalculated.”

“Let’s keep looking,” his partner said. “And maybe she’s seen something.” He walked toward Tammy, while his partner headed further into the park. He didn’t bother to hide their disgust at the smell of urine and more than an average day’s worth of sweat. “Excuse me, ma’am,” he said. “Have you seen anything out of the ordinary going on around here?”

The woman scratched her crotch ferociously. “Sorry,” she muttered. “I’m just itchy there for some reason.” Then she thought. “Um… Not that I know of. No.”

“You didn’t see anything strange yesterday?”

She laughed. “I don’t remember half of yesterday, mister.” She scratched her crotch even more rigorously. Whatever was in there was really trying to get her attention. “Sorry I’m such a mess,” she said. “I got a little extra drunk for Easter. It was my birthday and everything.”

“Nothing out of the ordinary?”

She thought. “Well, it’s a little quieter’n usual. But I figure maybe everybody’s either at work or sleeping. We know how to party on holidays out here.” She laughed.

The man looked frustrated. “I’m sure you do.”

“Hey, John,” the agent who’d traveled further into the park said. “Come check this out. I think I found some out by this mailbox.”

Tammy stood up and started to follow them. “I’m sorry, ma’am,” John said. “I have to ask you to return to your home.”

“Well, it’s over where you’re headed, anyways,” she said, waddling slower than usual, trying to rubberneck. She peeked over his shoulder. Was that guy putting a bug in that Ziploc? Who cared about some damn bugs?

She knew she was stinking and wet, so if she had to stay in her trailer while the men mulled around, she had to sit out front. Didn’t want to make her bed wet for the fifth time this month. And if she was sitting out front, she might as well have a drink. She grabbed more than a couple spare beers and brought them back with her. If nobody was around to offer her cigarettes, the next best cure for a hangover was more booze. Besides, she wanted to get the leftover beers before any of the other people got to them.

She sat down in her chair and cracked her first of the day open. The squirming in her pants was persisting. Did she have crabs or something? Nah, that would’ve meant she had to get laid, and nobody out here was interested. Lord knows, she’d tried plenty.

Whatever it was, it was real itchy. She unbuttoned her pants and reached down. She felt something down there, but she couldn’t exactly say what. It felt slimy and small. She wiped her hand off on her inner thigh and pulled it back out. There was no use in grossing herself out with the gory details until she was allowed to go to showers on the other edge of camp. Tammy was the type that would rather not know. And while she was stuck here, she had to pee again. She was already dirty, and the men probably wouldn’t let her walk past to get to the bathroom. Besides, it was laundry day. Greg would be bringing her to the laundromat in his truck later. So what the hell. She made like an astronaut and peed.

Three beers wasn’t enough to even get her buzzed. When the men in the suits returned to speak with her, she was doing what she always did: sitting in her chair, reading old copies of tabloids.

“Did you fellas find what you were looking for?” she asked them.

“We found some of it, yes,” one of them said. He handed her a card with a phone number on it. “If you see anything out of the ordinary, give us a ring.”

“Oh,” she said, “I don’t have a phone. Ain’t no signal out here on any of the networks I can afford. You have an address? I can send you mail.”

The man frowned. “We don’t. But feel free to ask a neighbor to borrow theirs.”

“Sure thing,” she said. “Everyone round here’s real friendly. Nobody out here would hurt a fly, except maybe that Trinity. I mean, there’re only two working phones out here, but I’m sure I can borrow one if it comes to it. I can’t drive or nothing, so it’s not like I can walk all them miles to the post office anyways.” She laughed. Then, from nowhere, a moan escape her. She slammed her thighs together abruptly.

“Are you alright ma’am?” one of the men asked her, confused.

She seemed flustered. “Yeah,” she muttered, embarrassed. “I don’t know what’s up with me today. Maybe it’s just you two are so dang handsome.” She winked, trying to save face.

They didn’t bother to look disgusted. “You have a nice day ma’am.”

“You too,” she said.

Once they were out of sight, Tammy sat back in her chair, disappointed. She sighed, opened another beer, and wished something interesting would happen to her. She’d have a few more drinks before she made the walk of shame to the shower. It would make it more bearable to have everyone see her covered in piss.

At least the tingling in her pants had stopped.